shuddered. "Have you seen the papers? People arealready going around sniffing like bloodhounds. And _now_ we're findingout what a thorough job we did. We can't crack it, Ellie. We can't evenget a toe hold. Those antibodies are just doing too good a job."
"Well, maybe you can find some unclebodies to take care of them," Ellieoffered vaguely.
"Look, don't make bad jokes--"
"I'm not making jokes! All I want is a husband back who doesn't complainabout how everything smells, and eats the dinners I cook, and doesn'tstand around in cold showers at six in the morning."
"I know it's miserable," he said helplessly. "But I don't know how tostop it."
He found Jake and Coffin in tight-lipped conference when he reached thelab. "I can't do it any more," Coffin was saying. "I've begged them fortime. I've threatened them. I've promised them everything but my upperplate. I can't face them again, I just can't."
"We only have a few days left," Jake said grimly. "If we don't come upwith something, we're goners."
Phillip's jaw suddenly sagged as he stared at them. "You know what Ithink?" he said suddenly. "I think we've been prize idiots. We've gottenso rattled we haven't used our heads. And all the time it's been sittingthere blinking at us!"
"What are you talking about?" snapped Jake.
"Unclebodies," said Phillip.
"Oh, great God!"
"No, I'm serious." Phillip's eyes were very bright. "How many of thosestudents do you think you can corral to help us?"
Coffin gulped. "Six hundred. They're out there in the street right now,howling for a lynching."
"All right, I want them in here. And I want some monkeys. Monkeys withcolds, the worse colds the better."
"Do you have any idea what you're doing?" asked Jake.
"None in the least," said Phillip happily, "except that it's never beendone before. But maybe it's time we tried following our noses for awhile."
* * * * *
The tidal wave began to break two days later ... only a few people here,a dozen there, but enough to confirm the direst newspaper predictions.The boomerang was completing its circle.
At the laboratory the doors were kept barred, the telephonesdisconnected. Within, there was a bustle of feverish--ifodorous--activity. For the three researchers, the olfactory acuity hadreached agonizing proportions. Even the small gas masks Phillip haddevised could no longer shield them from the constant barrage of violentodors.
But the work went on in spite of the smell. Truckloads of monkeysarrived at the lab--cold-ridden monkeys, sneezing, coughing, weeping,wheezing monkeys by the dozen. Culture trays bulged with tubes,overflowed the incubators and work tables. Each day six hundred angrystudents paraded through the lab, arms exposed, mouths open, grumblingbut co-operating.
At the end of the first week, half the monkeys were cured of their coldsand were quite unable to catch them back; the other half had new coldsand couldn't get rid of them. Phillip observed this fact with grimsatisfaction, and went about the laboratory mumbling to himself.
Two days later he burst forth jubilantly, lugging a sad-looking puppyunder his arm. It was like no other puppy in the world. This puppy wassneezing and snuffling with a perfect howler of a cold.
The day came when they injected a tiny droplet of milky fluid beneaththe skin of Phillip's arm, and then got the virus spray and gave hisnose and throat a liberal application. Then they sat back and waited.
They were still waiting three days later.
"It was a great idea," Jake said gloomily, flipping a bulging notebookclosed with finality. "It just didn't work, was all."
Phillip nodded. Both men had grown thin, with pouches under their eyes.Jake's right eye had begun to twitch uncontrollably whenever anyone camewithin three yards of him. "We can't go on like this, you know. Thepeople are going wild."
"Where's Coffin?"
"He collapsed three days ago. Nervous prostration. He kept having dreamsabout hangings."
Phillip sighed. "Well, I suppose we'd better just face it. Nice knowingyou, Jake. Pity it had to be this way."
"It was a great try, old man. A great try."
"Ah, yes. Nothing like going down in a blaze of--"
Phillip stopped dead, his eyes widening. His nose began to twitch. Hetook a gasp, a larger gasp, as a long-dead reflex came sleepily to life,shook its head, reared back ...
Phillip sneezed.
He sneezed for ten minutes without a pause, until he lay on the floorblue-faced and gasping for air. He caught hold of Jake, wringing hishand as tears gushed from his eyes. He gave his nose an enormous blow,and headed shakily for the telephone.
* * * * *
"It was a sipple edough pridciple," he said later to Ellie as she spreadmustard on his chest and poured more warm water into his foot bath. "TheCure itself depedded upod it--the adtiged-adtibody reactiod. We had theadtibody agaidst the virus, all ridght; what we had to find was sobekide of adtibody agaidst the _adtibody_." He sneezed violently, andpoured in nose drops with a happy grin.
"Will they be able to make it fast enough?"
"Just aboudt fast edough for people to get good ad eager to catch coldagaid," said Phillip. "There's odly wud little hitch...."
Ellie Dawson took the steaks from the grill and set them, stillsizzling, on the dinner table. "Hitch?"
Phillip nodded as he chewed the steak with a pretence of enthusiasm. Ittasted like slightly damp K-ration.
"This stuff we've bade does a real good job. Just a little too good." Hewiped his nose and reached for a fresh tissue.
"I bay be wrog, but I thik I've got this cold for keeps," he said sadly."Udless I cad fide ad adtibody agaidst the adtibody agaidst theadtibody--"
Transcriber's Note:
This etext was produced from "Tiger by the Tail and Other Science Fiction Stories by Alan E. Nourse" and was first published in _Galaxy_ April 1957. Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the U.S. copyright on this publication was renewed. Minor spelling and typographical errors have been corrected without note.
The Coffin Cure Page 4
