I’m grateful that you’re living a happy life now. Ever since you met Peter, I’ve known that your relationship would end at some point because I could see that you were unhappy. I ignored your sorrow because I was afraid of having the truth confirmed. I knew that it would be a challenge when you came out and I didn’t have the strength to help you through your difficult time, although I’ve known you were gay since we were children. I know you so well that I know everything about you. But my weakness holds me back. You’ve always been the stronger one, and I’ve allowed myself to be weak because I’ve always had someone to take care of me. I deeply regret this now. For the first time in our lives, it was about you, and the focus landed on me. For the first time in our lives, you were weak, and I didn’t support you. When for the first time in your life you wanted somebody to take care of you, I let you go. I was weak when I was supposed to be strong. I’m sorry.
I’m glad that you’ve met a strong woman who you love. I’m glad that you have support. I’m glad that you don’t have to be strong on your own all the time. I’m glad that you’re being taken care of. I’m glad that you’ve found yourself. I’m grateful that you’re you.
You’ve always taken care of me but now you must let me be myself.
You’ve always taken care of me but you’re no longer responsible.
You’ve always prioritised me but now you must let me go.
You’ve always loved me but now you must respect me.
I feel your love.
I miss you so much that I want to fly back to be with you.
I need you so very much that I’m dying to open up to you.
But since my need for you is so great, I have to leave you.
Because I love you so much, I have to let go of you.
Forgive me.
I love you.
Your beloved, your affectionate, your brother
Late July
I feel that it’s time.
As it’s time, the sun is setting.
As it’s time, I discover that my life, inuuneq, is about to end.
As it’s time, I discover that my life, inuuneq, my human self, has disappeared.
But when it’s time, inuk, man, emerges.
inuk says:
Find a home for yourself if you’re homesick.
Don’t give up when you can’t find your way.
Look in the mirror if you’re about to give up.
Find yourself as you look in the mirror.
You’ll find your home when you find yourself: go in.
The sun will rise tomorrow.
Life begins once more.
The human being, inuk, will be born again, will live again.
Live your life, inuk. Live your life! Inuugit!
When it was time, my own self, my inuk, appeared.
When it was time, my life, inuunera, appeared.
When it was time, Inuk, I came home.
Home is in me. Home is me. I am: home.
Dear Fia
I’m into men.
Inuk
Dear Inuk
I know. You’re not alone. You’ll never be alone.
Fia
The last day
Finally, I am home.
Homo. Sapiens. Inuk.
WALK OF SHAME
ARNAQ
Oh, my head. I let out a deep sigh and smell alcohol. My stomach roils and I heave my body out of bed, go to the bathroom. Shit, my head is about to explode. I still feel drunk. My eyes won’t focus and my legs aren’t working right. I kick the clothes I dumped on the floor because they block my way and I walk five long metres to the bathroom, my hand over my mouth. My lungs are burning as I cough stale cigarette smoke out, I can no longer contain myself. Urgh! I open the toilet seat and kneel in front of it, hoping that it won’t last long. My body rebels against the poison it has consumed and my stomach muscles tense so that I spew everything out. Carlsberg beer, Classic beer, vodka, tequila, Hot’n’Sweet liqueur, Arnbitter, Jack Daniel’s … It all moves so quickly from my stomach to my throat. A rainbow sprays the chalk-white porcelain like when somebody is shot in the head in a film and the wall behind him is splattered with blood. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I puked like the girl in The Exorcist. It’s not green but it is violent. So violent that they would have smelled it on the other side of the world if I had been standing up. It would have fallen like flat raindrops. Finally, when I’m able to take in some air again, I try to concentrate on my breathing. Through my nose, mouth and maybe ears, I vomit up hell itself, dragging out Pontius Pilate and all my intestines with it. Tears are pouring down my cheeks and my teeth are chattering. Feeling fucking awful, I think I’ve survived the worst. I blow the stomach acid out of my nostrils and flush the toilet. I stagger into the kitchen and rinse my mouth and my face with cold water, grab a Coke from the fridge and chug till it’s half empty. My throat burns and my head is aching. It’s not until this moment that I realise I need to pee and go back to the stinking bathroom. I open the toilet and see that there’s still vomit on the seat and in the bowl. I spray it with cleaner, mop it up with toilet paper and flush once more. I pee and smell alcohol in my urine. When I’m finished, I turn towards the mirror and see a horrible sight. My chapped lips are the colour of red wine. My hair is still partying. My makeup is smeared all over my face and I have huge bags under my eyes. My body is trying so hard to stay alive that I can’t concentrate on my polluted mind. I drink what’s left of the Coke, lie down on the bed once more and take out my mobile to check the time. It’s 16.07. Fuck. I think about yesterday …
Oh yeah, baby! Friday. My absolute favourite day of the week! Oh, invincibility! Oh, bliss! Even though the town is full of people, I go to the co-op to pick up some things. Slowly, I drift into the liquor section. I always do this because I might bump into someone who will invite me to their place for drinks – and here comes the first one now. ‘Hi, Arnaq!’ says a voice I don’t know.
‘Hiii!’
I pretend that I recognise the man. Now which party did I see him at? I wonder whether I’ve screwed him …
‘Are you going to a party too?’ he asks, eagerly.
‘Yes, with Inuk and Fia. Where’s your party?’
The faster I get to the point, the better chance I stand.
‘It’s at my place. You’re welcome to come!’
‘Text me, and we’ll see,’ I reply. I think I must have kissed him but I still can’t remember his name. Option no. 1. But I think I can do better. Although I’m not going to buy food, I wander into the fruit and vegetable aisle, watching for option no. 2 to pop up. And there he is! Now this is a face I recognise. I remember this guy as somebody who’s always happy to splash out on booze. He’s heading towards the liquor section as I exit the aisle.
‘Hey, Arnaq!’ I hear him say.
‘Hiii!’
I pretend I’ve only just noticed him.
‘Ready to party?’ he asks.
‘Yeah, looking for a place where me, Inuk and Fia can party,’ I say in a flirty voice. ‘What about you?’
‘We’ll be partying at my house. You should come!’
‘I got a new phone, and I don’t have your number any more. Can you text it to me?’
I lie so that I can get hold of his name, which I can’t remember. I give him a cheeky look to be sure that he’ll do it.
‘I’ll text you. Please come!’ he says with a smile. Option no. 2 is confirmed. It’s a trick, you know, and it works every freakin’ time! I buy booze and catch the bus just before it leaves. Today is my day.
‘What have you bought?’ Fia asks as I walk in.
‘A bottle of vodka and some mixers,’ I say.
‘A whole bottle? That’ll kill us!’
‘What did you get?’ I ask hastily.
‘Four beers,’ she replies.
‘Four beers? I’ll teach you how to party!’
I don’t really want to party with somebody who has no idea how to have a good time but since s
he’s my best friend’s sister, I have to. I’ll just go along and make the best of it.
‘I found a party for us,’ I say.
‘I thought the three of us were just going to chill,’ she replies, sounding disappointed.
‘You need to meet some new people – it’ll be fun! Their parties are good!’
‘Whose parties?’ She’s coming around to the idea. I can’t remember option no. 2’s name and grab my mobile to check my texts.
We’ll start at nine. Kujallerpaat Street. See you there! Enevold.
A man by the name of Enevold has texted me. I’m no longer surprised that I couldn’t remember his name. Enevold. What the fuck?
‘The party’s at Enevold’s place!’ I answer hastily.
‘Enevold? Who’s Enevold?’ she asks with a laugh.
‘Enevold! What kind of name is that?’ I say, laughing along with her. ‘The name doesn’t mean anything!’ The name is not important, what’s important is that he’s got plenty of booze.’
‘Maybe his grandparents named him, poor guy,’ she trails off.
‘Now let’s get ready!’
I turn up the volume, take off my shirt and throw it to Fia. She seems surprised to see me in my bra. Maybe she’s a bit of a homophobe. I slap her ass on my way to the bathroom and laugh inside. In the shower I shave where I need to, including my pussy, and exfoliate my skin, making it nice and soft. Afterwards, I pluck my eyebrows, apply too much eyeliner, mascara a couple of times, blusher, perfume, brush my teeth, and do my hair. This afternoon, I bought a black dress that makes my ass look great, and I put it on. Oh, yeah!
‘What do you think of it?’
I touch my bum and ask Fia.
‘It suits you,’ is all she says.
‘Is that all you can say? Really?’
I jiggle my junk and dare her to say something.
‘It suits you! Your ass looks good in it!’
She slaps my behind with a towel. Shyly. She looks like she’s just gone beyond the bounds of propriety and it makes me laugh. She needs to get laid.
‘Call a taxi, let’s go to Eno’s place!’ I say.
‘Enevold,’ she says quietly.
We pick up Inuk on the way to Kujallerpaat Street.
‘Inuk, my boy!’
I kiss him on the cheek as he gets in the taxi.
‘Arnaq, my girl!’ he replies as he gives his sister, who is in the front seat, a hug from behind.
‘You smell nice; it smells great in here!’ he says.
‘Thanks,’ I say, smiling. Inuk, my boy. My soul is happy with my dear friend by my side. My life looks brighter.
‘Where’re we off to?’ he asks.
‘E-NE-VOLD,’ Fia says.
‘Enevold?’ Inuk says, confused.
‘Eno’s place. It’ll be fun!’ I reply.
In the entrance to the building, I feel disappointed because I can’t hear anything at all. I thought the party had already started. When Eno opens the door to the flat, I see that we’re early. There are some faces I recognise but they’re pretty quiet. We say hello to them, open a few beers and sit scattered around the table. How are things at school? Do you still play handball? When will the Greenlandic championships be held? Are you still seeing Lars? Oh, by the way, they’ve got bargains at the shopping centre. Did you see the man who went crazy at the co-op today? Blah, blah, blah. I wait for the booze to take effect. The music is low. People are on Facebook. They’re waiting for things to happen. They’re waiting for the booze to kick some excitement into their boring lives. I wait.
I must have fallen asleep again and am woken by the urgent need to puke. I’m so surprised that it’s already in my mouth that I accidentally swallow it again. It hurts so much that my eyes tear up and I seize the opportunity to cry a bit because of my hangover. Then I remember my handbag. My handbag! I immediately stop crying and begin to panic, searching the floor. I find it in a corner, find my wallet, hold it to my heart and thank God. I’m safe; I haven’t lost what’s most important.
I can no longer stand my smell, grab my toothbrush, sit on the floor of the shower as I brush so that the water can rinse my sticky body. I imagine that the bacteria will slide off. The bacteria from the door handle of the pub will slide off my hands. The bacteria from the toilet seats of the pub, which is on my thighs, is sucked down the drain. The bacteria from yesterday’s piss, which has dried on me, is washed away. What happened last night? My brain is half dead. But I have a feeling. I can’t put my finger on it, but I have a suspicion. It will have to wait till my head clears. It will appear as it always does. I only hope that it’s not too dreadful.
‘Silence is a true friend, who the hell said that! This fucking silence drives me crazy. I drink my Classic beer and, irritated, I make the first move.
‘Come on – blackjack?’ I say loudly, picking up the cards. They probably all feel grateful to me for rescuing them and get into the game. I play against them all, one at a time, and drink more than they order me to when I lose. The music has been turned up. They’re starting to sing along. They’re also starting to dance in their chairs. They laugh more. Their faces turn kind. They look into one another’s eyes. At last, they are beginning to let go of inhibitions, and for my part I’m changing into an animal again. I breathe in. My body becomes lighter. Oh, the wonders of alcohol! How are things? It’s a long time since … We really ought to hang out more often. I’ll let you know when I’m no longer quite so busy. Same old questions, but it works, you know. It works. Fia and Inuk are no longer just talking to each other but also turn around and speak to other people. Everyone’s talking at the same time, laughing out loud. Crates are emptied faster and faster but I’m not worried as there’s still plenty left. I’m just happy that I’m partying with people who need to get drunk, just like me. I feel the booze coursing through my veins, making me feel warm. We only have one life. I’m only human, which is why I need to let go sometimes. Tomorrow will be okay.
‘Does anyone play the guitar?’ somebody asks.
I feel like playing but since I haven’t had enough to drink yet, I encourage others instead. The guy next to me picks it up and the others begin to sing quietly. Decency still seems to prevail over the wonders of alcohol. Shy laughter spreads. Awkwardness. I curl my toes. So awkward. I can’t just sit here listening to this, so I stand over the stove burner and light a smoke. The song finally comes to an end, and they put the guitar back in its proper place and turn the music up loud. Because we’re too sensible. Still. For a little while longer. Fia comes over to me and wants a drag. ‘Enevold,’ she says with a smile.
‘Enevold,’ I say, with a slight laugh. ‘Do you think he’s hot?’
‘Honestly? He’s sooo ugly! Have you seen his blackheads? They could pop at any moment,’ she says with horror.
‘But he has a prick,’ I say, giggling.
‘Bitch, if you’re so fucking horny, you ought to find one for yourself and not for me.’
‘You need to get laid, and you know it,’ I say, stubbing out my cig.
‘Enevold? Over my dead body! He’s all yours!’
‘No thank you.’
I laugh at her and go back to the table. I feel the effect of the alcohol as I walk. I’m uplifted and suddenly I miss Inuk so I perch on his lap. Inuk, my friend. Fia sits down across from us, looking protectively at us, watching her younger brother closely. I love to provoke her and stare until she looks away. Occasionally, I tease her and wink at her. Feel victorious when, mildly disgusted, she no longer knows what to do. Oh, I feel invincible. And the booze makes me come alive!
From the open window, I hear children playing, dogs barking and cars driving past. The afternoon is drawing to a close. The sun, which hardly ever sets, is warm. Spring has come alive, but I don’t think I will survive if I go outside. My soul is ashamed. My body has no more energy. Because I’m just waiting for the evil to appear. Speak of the devil: I’m in the middle of eating chips as I feel the evil striking at my large intestin
e and I prepare myself for the worst. I make an effort and get the first evil one out. Burning and glowing, Lucifer emerges as a gas from far inside my guts. As he spreads out into the air, I almost die. Fuck. Lucifer is trying to suffocate me. But I don’t want to give in and although I can taste him on my tongue, I run gasping over to the window to save myself. If I had been standing up, I would have blasted through the ceiling and got stuck in God’s asshole. That sure was a close call. I breathe in unpolluted air by the window. I’ll probably feel better once I take a shit. I see my cash card on the window-sill and am frightened to death. How much did I spend, I wonder? Full of dread, I log on to my mobile banking. It says kr. 37.50 left in my account. Oh hell! Black crack, inflammation, clotted blood, et cetera. The thought of borrowing money again makes me nervous and I’m already flooded with regrets. Regret no. 1! Fuck me! Oh, fuck the shit out of me!
The faces are nameless but pleasant enough. Enevold looks at me. Tries to sit next to me. Wants to get with me. He’s trying so hard that I avoid looking at him as much as I can. But since I need his beers, I look at him every now and then, adding fuel to his desperation. A better-looking guy checks me out and it makes me horny. He seems to want me, which makes me feel good inside. He’s option no. 1. But I don’t respond – I want to see what my options are. I’m checking out women today. The need to fuck women is greater. To be on the safe side, I come up with a plan B and text Inaluk because she’ll definitely be up for it. Before long we decide to go to the city center. To save a bit of money, I grab two of Eno’s beers. On the way out of the door, I take yet another beer as one bottle is already half empty. Of course Eno pays for the taxi. Score! Before we get out, I hide the two unopened bottles of beer in my hood. There are more people than I’d anticipated and I feel really good. Oh baby, plan B is right around the corner – I can feel it! The bouncers at Hotel Godthåb recognise me and don’t bother to check in my hood. Before we pass the coat check, I move the beers from my hood and into my handbag. Another trick. We squeeze our way through the crowd and take possession of a table. While the others make a beeline for the drinks, I open one of my beers by knocking the bottle top against the table. Oh, such a pro. The bar plays music from my childhood, which I can’t deal with so I take Fia’s hand and drag her out to Manhattan, the nightclub just around the corner. Lights flash, smoke is pumping out of one of the corners of the room, and the dance floor is crowded with bodies. Young bodies. Oh, that’s more like it. Fia is reluctant. Just looking. No touching. But I want to move closer to the bodies. I drag her along even though she doesn’t really want to come. We’re now among all the bodies and I get quite close to Fia and dance for her so she can loosen up a bit. The bass is so powerful that I can feel my heart tremble. I take a furtive swig of my beer and touch Fia’s body. I’m loosening her up. Doing her a favour. She’s begun to touch me a bit. She dances more. Sometimes she closes her eyes. Option no. 2: I get everything I’m pointing at. And I’m pointing at Fia. You know what they say: straight until not. Straight until hot. I turn around and dance with my ass against her. We’re now at one with the bodies. We want the bodies. Eyes look at us. The bodies want us. I’m feeling sexy. Fia takes my hand and leads me to the bar. I’m reeling her in.
Last Night in Nuuk Page 5
