“You’re up late,” he said.
I straightened up. “Yes, I…I…was just thinking about how good it is to have Teddy and Jessie home again.” I left the sofa and began to rearrange the gifts under the tree, trying to appear as preoccupied as possible. Ever since Sandra’s visit, I felt it wiser to keep my distance from Mr. Trellis. My head was clearer, and my heart felt lighter when I did.
“I’ve always admired you, Ana,” he said. “You have such a fresh and uncomplicated way of seeing things, but we haven’t had much opportunity to talk lately.”
“The holidays are such a busy time,” I said, smiling awkwardly.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”
“Yes, of course.” I turned away from my organizing to look at him.
“What is your honest opinion of Sandra?”
His question assaulted me, but I managed to respond in a casual, offhand manner. “I only met her a few times, but she seems very nice.”
“How do you think Teddy and Jessie would like her?”
I swallowed my upset and answered as best as I could. “I don’t know, but…but they need to accept that sooner or later you have to get on with your life.”
“And how about you?” he asked. “Do you accept it?”
I turned away from him, nearly blinding myself with a tree branch. “Who am I to accept or reject something like that?” I answered, feeling suddenly indignant.
“Why, Ana, you should know by now that you’re a member of the family,” he said. “And your opinion matters very much to us.”
“That’s very kind of you, Mr. Trellis,” I replied, aware of an unbearable heat burning behind my eyes. “Well then, my opinion is that you must get on with your life. We all have to get on with our lives,” I said as I rummaged through the presents.
“Is something the matter, Ana?”
“Yes,” I returned, not sure how to explain my irritation. “I was positive that I’d finished all the wrapping this morning, but now I can’t seem to find my gift for Millie.”
Mr. Trellis helped me search through the pile of presents under the tree and then he reached for the box that was just next to my knee and read the attached card. “Here it is, Ana, it was right next to you all the time,” he said, handing me the box.
I took the box from him, and when I looked at his face, I was certain that I’d never seen him look so pale.
My perfect day was not to be. Now that Mr. Trellis had brought up the possibility of Teddy and Jessie meeting Sandra, my mind would be flooded with images of the loving couple walking hand in hand through the garden, while Jessie and Teddy followed close behind, laughing over something terribly clever Sandra had said. I feared that the entire day would be consumed by the novelty of their father’s new girlfriend and that I would have to endure hearing her name over and over again. But I began to understand that none of the weeks, months, or years that I’d spent with the Trellis family had been real. I’d been living in a fantasy, pretending to belong while I hovered about the periphery of my life, still waiting in the sewing cabinet for my mother to rescue me. This was no longer enough. I had to break free of this delusion or risk living the rest of my life with my knees pressed into my chest and my head bent over the whole of my body.
I slept fitfully that night. I was once again running for my life with Sister Josepha as gunshots rang out all around us. We skimmed over the surface of the jungle, moving like leopards searching for the faint glimmer of light that would lead us away from death and toward life. I awoke the next day understanding for the first time that the sooner I left the Trellis house, the better it would be for everyone. I’d wait until the holidays were over and a normal schedule had resumed, and then I would join Sister Josepha in New Mexico once and for all. I was physically tired after a restless night, but my soul was again at peace.
It turned out to be a lovely holiday. Millie and I worked happily side by side in the kitchen, and Teddy was always nearby, tasting whatever we had cooking on the stove, talking excitedly about his plans to go to medical school, as his grandfather had. He was such a striking young man that every time I looked at him, my eyes lingered. He’d inherited his father’s height and distinguished manner, but he possessed a playfulness that made him especially attractive. It’s no wonder that his cell phone was continually ringing, and from what I could tell, the callers on the other end were usually girls.
Jessie’s charm was far more understated. She swept her red hair back in a ponytail at the nape of her neck and wore modest clothing in muted colors. She seemed somewhat self-conscious of her broader hips and wore her sweaters over them. She’d gone on a few shopping trips with her mother over the break and emerged from the car with many boxes and bags, but didn’t seem particularly thrilled with her purchases.
“Oh, you know Mom,” she’d say with a smile and a good-natured roll of her eyes. “She says a girl can’t ever have too many clothes.”
“Well, I hope they’re not all in various shades of black and brown,” Millie said.
A few days before Jessie was due to leave for school, she came into my room and sat on my bed as I hemmed a pair of trousers she’d received for Christmas. I suspected that she wanted to talk about her ex–Italian boyfriend again and the fact that he’d called her several times over the holiday break with the intention of winning her back. I listened and advised her as best I could, but she soon surprised me with a different topic altogether.
“What do you think of that Sandra woman?” she asked. Jessie and Teddy had met her briefly when she stopped by to drop off her Christmas gift for Mr. Trellis.
I glanced up and noted her furrowed brow. “She seems like a nice lady,” I replied.
“Do you think Daddy likes her?”
“It certainly seems that way to me.”
Jessie fell back on the bed and gazed up at the ceiling. “Uncle Benson thinks she’s perfect for Dad, but I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s because she’s too perfect.”
“Perfection isn’t usually a problem,” I said.
“Oh, but it is, Nana. Perfection stifles life. Just think about it—even the earth isn’t perfectly round.” She stared at me with so much conviction that she almost had me convinced.
I shook my head in wonderment. “You’re getting far too smart for me, Jessie. Pretty soon I won’t understand anything you say.”
At that moment Teddy strolled in and promptly stretched out on the bed as well. “Why all the long faces?” he asked.
“I don’t think Sandra’s right for Dad,” Jessie said.
“Of course she’s not,” Teddy replied while resting his head on my shoulder. “Mom and Dad are just going through a midlife crisis. I’m sure once they get it out of their system, they’ll patch things up.”
Teddy took every opportunity to express his belief that his parents could eventually reconcile, and while I knew this was highly unlikely, I said nothing as I continued to work on Jessie’s trousers.
“Nana,” Jessie said, giving me an inscrutable look, “I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I think you should marry Benson.”
Once I got over the shock, I had to laugh.
“Don’t laugh. You know he’s crazy about you, and I’m sure Daddy wouldn’t mind if he moved in here with you. He practically lives here as it is.”
“You’re insane,” Teddy said. “Nana’s not the type to get married. She was planning to be a nun once, don’t you remember?”
Jessie dismissed him with a wave of her hand. “But I don’t think you should have children. You don’t want to complicate your lives with that nonsense.”
Teddy added, “At least we agree on something.”
“What do you think, Nana?” Jessie asked. “We have your whole life planned out for you.”
I chuckled as I started on the other trouser leg. I had managed to more or less neutralize the jealousy I felt whenever I thought about Mr. Trellis with Sandra, and I was looking forward to spending some real time with Sister Josepha.
In some ways, she was the only family I had left. “Your plans are very interesting, but you shouldn’t worry about me. Everything’s going to work out just fine,” I said. And I finished my sewing with Jessie draped across my legs and Teddy’s head resting on my shoulder.
After Teddy and Jessie left for school and the house grew quiet again, I knew the time had come to make my move. Every night before bedtime, I prepared a cup of tea for Mr. Trellis and took it to him wherever he might be in the house, which was usually in his study or the music room.
The evening I decided to tell him about my plans to leave, I took a long hot bath to calm my nerves. Dr. Farrell had been by after dinner, and once I was certain that he’d left, I quickly dressed and made my way downstairs. In the kitchen, I steeped the tea for a long while and added plenty of sugar. With two cups in hand, I proceeded down the long corridor toward Mr. Trellis’s study. The door was ajar so I entered and approached his desk, careful not to spill a single drop. He was working on the computer, and even with the glow from the screen illuminating his face, the dark shadows that rimmed his eyes made them look especially black and foreboding. I took a deep breath, realizing that this would be even more difficult than I had anticipated. I had spent so many years understanding, admiring, and loving this man that to simply tell him I’d be leaving in a month would be like ripping out my heart. I didn’t want to leave him, yet I knew that it was the only choice left to me if I wanted to stay sane.
“Excuse me, Mr. Trellis. I can see that you’re busy, but I was hoping to have a quick word. I would’ve come earlier, but I didn’t want to interrupt your meeting with Dr. Farrell.”
He pushed himself away from his desk. “That’s quite all right, Ana,” he said.
I handed him his tea and stood before him, feeling tongue-tied as usual. “This is very hard to say, but I’ve given it a lot of thought and I think it’s for the best.”
He smiled, trying to make light of it. “Don’t tell me that after all these years you’ve decided to go back to the convent?”
“Not exactly,” I replied, attempting to smile as well, although not very convincingly.
He studied me for a moment and placed his teacup down on his desk. “Ana, are you leaving us?”
I swallowed hard. “For years Sister Josepha has been asking me to go work with her at her school. If I don’t accept her invitation soon, I don’t think I’ll get another opportunity.”
“I see,” he said, his expression darkening. “And where is this school?”
“In New Mexico.”
He nodded. “And when do you plan to leave?”
“At the end of the month.”
His voice was faint. “Well, I guess it would’ve been foolish to think that you’d stay here forever. Do Teddy and Jessie know?”
“You’re the first to know. With everything else that’s going on, I didn’t want to upset them over the holidays.”
“Wise decision,” he said, turning back to his computer screen.
I stepped back toward the door, unsure of what to do or say next. I had intended to express my gratitude, and to say more about how much the family meant to me, and how much I was going to miss everyone, but I was disappointed and hurt by Mr. Trellis’s indifference. After all, we’d been living under the same roof for twenty years, and even if he didn’t feel about me the way I felt about him, he didn’t have to be so dismissive. He could at least pretend to care a little bit about me for the sake of common courtesy if nothing else.
“I’m going to the music room before I retire, would you care to join me?” Mr. Trellis asked.
“I suppose,” I replied, rather flatly. I followed him to the music room, and he sat on the bench as I settled myself on the nearest sofa. Once he began to play I closed my eyes, hoping that the sound of his music would ease my upset, but he’d only played a few bars when he suddenly stopped. I opened my eyes to find him watching me strangely.
“Is something wrong, Mr. Trellis?”
“I’m not feeling very well. I think I might have a fever,” he said, bringing his hand to his forehead. “What do think, Ana?”
I stood up and walked over to where he was. Then I gently placed the palm of my hand on his forehead, my pulse racing all the while.
“Your hand feels cool,” he muttered, closing his eyes.
“If you have a fever, then it must be very slight,” I replied, removing my hand, but he quickly grasped it.
“Ana, what would you do if I told you I was ill? Would you leave for New Mexico then?”
“I hope and pray that you’re not ill,” I replied, overwhelmed and startled by his touch. And I tried to retrieve my hand, but as he spoke his grip on me tightened.
“The truth is that I don’t understand why you would leave us now after all these years. I know the children are grown and out of the house, but surely you could tell what a difference your presence made over the holidays. I’m not sure that Teddy and Jessie would’ve come home if you hadn’t been here. They may have skipped Christmas altogether this year if not for you.”
“Excuse me, Mr. Trellis,” I said, nodding toward my hand that was beginning to throb.
He released it instantly. “Forgive me,” he muttered, dropping his chin to his chest.
I rubbed my fingers, flustered and confused by what he was saying. “Of course, if you think that my presence will be of some use to the children, then I’ll stay as long as they need me, but please tell me what’s wrong with you? What did Dr. Farrell say?”
Mr. Trellis raised his head to look at me, his eyes blazing. “Are you worried about me? I’ve always envied Teddy and Jessie for the infinite reservoir of love you have for them, and even Lillian and Millie have benefited from your unceasing devotion. Ana,” he whispered, “don’t you see how you’ve woven your gentle spirit through me and softened my coarse heart? Don’t you see how you’ve changed me?” He studied my startled expression for a moment, and appeared bemused. “You seem surprised to hear me say these things, and yet I always thought you knew.”
“All I know is that I’ll do whatever you ask of me. If you want me to stay, of course I’ll stay.”
“I can see that I’m going to have to be more direct,” he said with a troubled sigh. “Let me put it to you this way. When Lillian told me she was leaving me, for reasons that I’m sure you’re well aware, I was glad. But when she told me that she was planning to take you with her, I became despondent.”
I stared at him too overwhelmed to speak.
“Say something, Ana,” he said, his eyes pleading.
“I don’t know what to say. I…I…wouldn’t want you to feel despondent about anything.”
At this he stood abruptly, and began to pace the room. When he turned to face me his expression was grim, and his voice firm. “For all these years I believed you to be the gentlest, most beautiful and noble creature to walk the face of the earth, but I never expected you to be this…this difficult.”
“I don’t understand, Mr. Trellis.” I said, completely at a loss.
“There you go again, being coy and pretending that you don’t know what I’m talking about when I’m laying myself at your feet, a sick and desperate man.”
“But Mr. Trellis…I…” I couldn’t deny that he did look desperate, and that his agitation was growing with every second of confused silence that passed between us. “If you must know, I decided to go to New Mexico because I thought it would be easier now that you’ve found Sandra.”
Hearing this, Mr. Trellis’s expression softened, and he took a step toward me. “Easier?” he asked. “Easier for who?”
When I didn’t respond, he asked again. “Please, Ana. What does Sandra have to do with anything?”
I shook my head and began walking toward the door, but he met me in the middle of the room and took my hand, gently this time. His fingers felt like feathers across my palm that sent a wave of satisfying shivers down my spine. “Ana, please,” he whispered, and I felt his warm breath on my ear, and my whole bo
dy tingled with pleasure. “What does Sandra have to do with anything?”
“Well, obviously,” I said, turning away from him, “you’re in love with her—any fool can see that. Not that I blame you, she’s a very lovely woman, and I think you two make a very lovely couple.”
Mr. Trellis stepped in closer to me and tipped my chin up so that I had no choice but to look at him, and the longer those dark penetrating eyes bore through me, the more flustered I became, and I felt my insides squirming and the blood rushing to my feet. “You’re jealous of Sandra,” he mumbled to himself, mildly amused. But he was quite serious when he said, “Ana, I’m going to be completely honest with you. I’ve always been content to have you near me, but nearness isn’t enough anymore. I want to touch you and kiss you, and love you completely.”
“Mr. Trellis,” I muttered, my heart pounding so wildly that my ears were ringing, and I was certain that at any moment my knees would buckle beneath me.
“If you don’t feel the same, then you can go to New Mexico with your dear Sister Josepha, and I’ll never bother you again. But if you have any feelings for me at all, then I beg you to stay here with me.”
I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face, as the scarred layers of my life pulled apart little by little, to reveal my naked heart.
“Ana,” he said touching my cheek. “Can’t you say that you love me just a little?”
I shook my head, not able to speak, hardly able to breathe.
“I understand,” he said sadly. “That’s okay. Please don’t cry anymore.”
I opened my eyes to gaze at him fully. I took in the dark eyes, the beautiful and familiar face I had adored for so many years, the soft contour of his lips that I longed to feel against my skin. I couldn’t hold back any longer, the desire I felt for this man was like a flood pushing against my rib cage. “I can’t say it because it isn’t true, Mr. Trellis. I don’t love you just a little, I love you so much that every time I’m near you, as I am now, it feels like my heart is going to explode, and every time I speak your name, I can taste you on my lips.”
Vigil Page 28
