by K. A. Holt
and funny
and serious.
And yet somehow,
the real truth is
all I am is sad.
I’m just so sad now
all the time.
Even with the game tonight
and another chance
to kill it as mascot,
I can’t shake this feeling of
ugh.
I can’t find the right smile.
I try to be like the squad.
I try to be what Mom wants.
But I think something inside me is broken
because nothing fits anywhere anymore.
My ponytail is the same.
My bow just as tight.
But if you could see through my eyes
you’d see nothing is right.
Kate
I look through the Falcon’s eyes
hoping that might fix things,
let me be me
in disguise.
But that stupid chicken head runs by
and the crowd goes nuts.
I could chase him,
but no.
I don’t want to be part of
his stupid show.
Honestly, I just want to
get out of here.
I’m over it.
I want to go home.
TAM
I didn’t tell her I’d be here
to watch her
instead of the game,
but here I am
and that chicken head
is once again
on the field.
And I want to tell Kate
she shouldn’t care.
She should keep working hard,
keep doing the thing she loves,
forget about the chicken,
she’s such a good mascot.
But by the time the game is over
and I get down to the squad,
she’s already gone
flown the coop,
swept away by her mom.
TAM
You’ve been busy, huh?
The next day
I don’t know
what else to say.
I don’t know
how else to say it.
I swallow
all my questions,
they break up
inside me
shards
poking
scratching
stabbing,
my guts hurting.
I want to ask:
Are you mad?
I want to ask:
Why?
Where have you been?
I miss you.
Do you miss me, too?
But I don’t say anything else.
I swallow the words whole.
I feel them shatter
in my throat
as she looks past me
eyes blank
and says,
Not too busy.
What’s for lunch today?
Kate
TAM
I’m right here
I’m right here
and she isn’t listening.
she doesn’t see
She doesn’t hear me.
and she won’t look at me.
What exactly
is happening?
I want her to hear
I want her to see
to understand.
to understand.
I need room to breathe.
I need her close to me.
I need some space
I need her smiling face
to see
to be
what’s what
right here
right now.
I’ll find her
We can talk.
when I’m ready
I’m ready.
I promise.
TAM
She wears her cheerleader camouflage
and it works like magic.
They all think they know her
just like I thought I did.
Except . . .
I guess the Kate I know
isn’t the Kate I thought she was.
It looks like the squad knew
the real Kate
and I was fooled
by her other camo.
I just don’t understand you,
is all I can say
to Kate
as I walk by
and she flips her ponytail
and Becca stares straight
ahead.
Kate
Tam doesn’t understand.
Tam doesn’t understand?
TAM DOESN’T UNDERSTAND!?
GAH
I COULD SCREEEEEAAAAM!
Of course she doesn’t!
She never could!
Things are so easy for her!
She just does her thing!
Tam is Tam!
No one cares!
She knows what she wants!
So she gets what she wants!
How?! Beats me!
Everything
EVERYTHING
is so easy
for Tam!
So of course she doesn’t understand!
She can’t, can she?
Tam has never,
not once,
even tried to think about
what it must be like
to be
me!
TAM
What is she doing over there?
All those markers?
All that poster board?
Please tell me . . .
No.
I grab Levi,
toss him on my shoulders,
run by,
take a look.
More posters?!
They’re already EVERYWHERE.
We get it, Kate.
Jeez.
Seeing more
of her empty face
in the halls?
That’s one hundred percent
the last thing
I need.
Kate
Like she’s fooling anyone
running past the table
pretending she isn’t paying attention.
Well I’m not paying attention to her either.
I don’t notice her either.
My heart doesn’t leap—
my palms don’t sweat—
my head doesn’t get tingly—
either.
Nope.
Not at all.
None of those things.
Don’t even see her.
TAM
When the idea hits,
I laugh out loud
and almost get a detention
because everyone turns around
to look at me,
but I don’t care.
Because I am about to serve up
the biggest spike of my career.
I admit I don’t really care
about being school president
at all,
but if I have to see Kate’s face
every day
plastered all over the walls,
then guess what,
I’m running, too,
a late entry to the game.
I’ll have posters, too.
She’ll have to see me everywhere, too.
All is fair,
you know,
in love
and
war
and
presidential campaigns.
Kate
WHAT.
She’s running against me?!
HOW?
WHY?
There’s no way she’ll win.
What a joke.
Everyone knows
she’s not serious about it,
everyone knows
I’m in it to win it.
Everyone knows she’s just doing this
to get to me
except
wait
why would everyone know
that?
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
Is this the end?
Their story is over?
No more Redwood and Ponytail?
It had such promise.
It was really going places.
How can we survive?
Our poor duo.
Our lovely stars.
Their shine is lost.
TAM
Meercat sits on my jeans,
nibbling at my bracelet,
looking up at me
eyes black
unblinking
seeing
everything
inside.
And Frankie,
her eyes are the same,
staring
seeing me
inside out
while I sip tea
and discover
for once
I don’t have the words
to explain
what I’m feeling.
I don’t know how to say
anything.
TAM
It’s like she pulled me closer
so we could be friends,
then she pushed me away
and pulled me closer again.
What am I?
Some kind of yo-yo friend?
Frankie nods.
She makes more tea.
She’s quiet,
letting me do the talking.
Until . . .
I’m going to tell you a story, Tam.
It may apply to you.
It may not.
But I’m going to tell it, okay?
My story.
Do with it
what you may.
It took me a long time to admit
to myself
my true identity.
Which makes me sound
like a superhero.
Spoiler: I’m not.
This made me very sad
for a very long time,
trying to hide.
I didn’t want to be me.
I worked very hard
to be someone else.
I worked so hard at that,
I married a boy I’d known
my whole life.
We had three boys of our own.
Our life was the way lives are:
A house
two cars
soccer after school
dinner in the crockpot.
But I always knew
deep in my heart
something didn’t fit.
I
didn’t
fit.
It’s very hard to explain
to your family
that you don’t fit
when you’ve spent decades
working very hard
to pretend that you do.
Imagine carefully twisting
a balloon
into just the right shape,
like at a birthday party,
but the shape isn’t perfect,
so you twist it again,
you try a new shape,
but it still doesn’t quite work,
so again
and again
you twist
and contort
until the balloon . . .
it just can’t twist anymore,
and it pops
right in your face.
Bam.
Folks get scared.
They get mad.
They get sad.
Overnight everything changes.
Even with dinner still
in the crockpot.
Even with soccer after school.
But even with so many scattered
pieces of balloon,
you learn, over time,
those scattered pieces . . .
they’re all still you.
Now. Would I have changed anything?
Would I have made different choices
as a young girl who didn’t know
what to do?
I don’t know.
I only wish I’d had an old lady
friend
with a lizard and a pot of tea . . .
someone who would listen.
And maybe Kate doesn’t have that.
Maybe she’s still twisting her balloon,
maybe she’s still learning about
which shapes she might choose.
TAM
I’ve known Frankie
my whole
entire
life
and those
are the
most words
I’ve ever heard
come out of
her mouth
at once.
TAM
Thank you.
It’s the only thing
I can think to say.
Thank you for the tea.
Thank you for the words.
Thank you for the lizard break.
I . . .
I . . .
It’s time for me to go home.
For some reason, I just . . .
I really want my mom.
TAM
Baby, what’s wrong?
Mom’s hands
on either side of my face;
her eyes
try to pull answers
from me.
Baby.
Tell me.
But what can I say?
That Kate’s afraid to like me
the way I like her,
or maybe she never has
liked me . . . in that way
at all?
That I’m running against her
for president
just so she’ll see me
because I didn’t know what else to do
and now I just feel . . .
stupid.
It’s too much to say,
too much to believe.
The words pile up in my throat,
too many to escape
so I say
nothing,
I just let Mom hug me.
I just feel the feelings
even though right now
I pretty much
don’t want to feel
anything
ever
again.
Alex
Alyx
Alexx
What happens now?
It’s anyone’s guess.
We’ll keep watching.
This schism.
This break.
This mess.
Redwood’s broken.
Ponytail’s split.
Two are ones again.
A bummer.
A heartbreaker.
A tragedy in the making.
Kate
Every day
so boring
so same.
I put up more posters,
go to class,
practice,
then home
and bed
and toss and turn
and start again.
I can laugh and hang out,
make posters,
pretend like it’s okay
but deep down inside
I miss Tam more
every day.
I’m trying to be the Kate
everyone wants me to be.
I’m trying to be the best
