“Well, I stopped. I wanted to listen to anything Gabe had to say. Still felt that way… I’d have crawled across hot coals to listen to his voice. So I slunk down and listened, thinking how he sounded different with fur ears.
“I wish I could remember all they said. But it was like … Gabe said Jed was being a fool for not opening his mind to other options for his life. Jed said that Gabe was a fool for considering that worms could make up an option for life. Everyone knew Gabe felt trapped in the pack. Only … Jed got nasty to him. Saying how he wasn’t loyal to their sire, how he was thick, how Jed was ashamed of him. A lot of sterk.
“A couple days later … Gabe was gone. Now … I think he must have taken the whole family aside. Zar hinted at as much. That he wanted to leave their dad and strike out with the rest of them. I didn’t know anything about that, though. I still don’t know what all happened or why he finally decided to leave. I just knew at the time … Jed had driven him away.
“Just like how I felt about Gabe … it seemed so big. Jed rose up and cursed him and he left. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. First devastated that Gabe vanished, no clue where, never heard from him again, then furious—so angry with Jed I wanted to bite him. I wanted to ruin his hunts and piss on his door and dig up all his buried bones. I wasn’t that stupid, though. Jed was a couple years older than me and a hell of a lot bigger and stronger. Besides, he was terrifying because he drank and got into other messes with help from his dad—plus bringing Kage along. An altered wolf, especially a yearling just in control of the change and wanting to push every boundary…? It’s a scary thing.
“I stayed away from him, didn’t do anything. Of course I never said anything about Gabe. Only … time passed. Andrew and I were getting close to graduating with our PD, coming of age. Pain of losing Gabe—which was what it seemed like at the time—faded. And … there was Kage.
“Kage and I had games since we were pups. I always thought he was beautiful. He was so strong and so sure of his choices, even when we were hunting marbles together, probably even when we were learning to walk on two legs—forget four. He had his own mind and he could rally others around him. Magnetic. Full of himself in company, but … catch him at a quiet time and he was a good wolf too… He cared about what others thought and felt, even though he tried to act like he didn’t. But he’s so sensitive… It’s one reason he’ll make such a great core member. He could be proper silver, I think. Not many see that side of him, though.
“There was this one summer when we both came into our own more and … that was it. Now he was the wolf I couldn’t stop thinking about. It made me see everything for Gabe—and anyone else I’d ever sniffed for—had been nothing but a crush at best. Kage liked me already. We weren’t close, but it didn’t take much to get there. I already knew what he fancied: followers, admiration, being someone’s silver who really wanted him to be silver and appreciated him. That was no problem. He deserved all that. We were made to fit together.
“Only … the minute our relationship started to get closer, Jed was there. He wasn’t after me. He didn’t care what I did. Not as if Jed was threatened by me. And he didn’t actually force bottles on Kage or rush in with other substances for him that neither one of them could handle…”
Jason fell silent for a long time, swallowing, breathing softly and shallowly.
I sat up, got him more water.
After the drink, he finally continued.
“I ran with them for a while. With both of them—saw how they were. It wasn’t Jed starting everything… It was Kage.
“Jed would drink or smoke something with him—I don’t know what all they tried. Jed’s dad could get them anything, and Kage was always asking. But Jed wasn’t so into it. By the time I ran with them, he was pulling back, trying to stop with the sterk all together maybe. I tried some. Couldn’t do it. Beer made me so sick I felt like I’d lost everything I ever ate. Smoked a joint with Kage once. Moon … felt like my body had been cut into chunks and scattered around a hay field. He loved it: mellowed him out. He’s really sweet stoned. Until he starts getting daft, manic ideas and runs off to act on them right away because they’re so important. It was dangerous, what they were into.
“Plus Jed’s father leading them around, with a long gait for trouble, getting into more and more sharp ice. Kage always asking for more, pushing for more. More drugs, more sheep to chase, more nights to get out and sneak to the beach…
“I got scared. I saw I couldn’t run with them. Yes, I had Kage’s interest. He’d run with me. But I was a sideline lover to his main interest in life—which was self-destructing with his first loves: drugs, drink, Jed, and old Gabriel. It was so much to fight against. He had all that on one side. Me, alone, on the other. So I was scared because I could lose him like Gabe—only this was different. This wasn’t a crush anymore. I loved him. Really loved him. I knew one thing wasn’t the other now. I loved him like stepping in front of a bullet. Love like I would stand in a burning house and not move until he said so. Love like I could kill someone for him.
“I knew the difference after a few seasons with Kage. The difference between a crush and an obsession. The difference between warmth and the sun.
“But I still remembered Gabe. I remembered how Jed had driven him away, taken him from me, and how that had felt. That anger, that phantom loss that felt real. What if it was real? What if it was Kage?
“I had to get Kage away from all of it: the substances, his uncle, his cousin—completely. No middle ground. No waking up to find him missing because he was out for just one more chase after a ewe in the night and a meeting with a shotgun. Completely.
“I knew something about addiction by then. I was addicted to him. I knew it would take a verus lot to break this cycle. So I did everything I could think of. I lay awake at night, with him or without him, and stargazed. I would get him: they wouldn’t. But it wasn’t that simple.
“It went on for years. All the time with more sterk happening. Kage and Jed in trouble with the pack, almost killed, Jed dumping Kage and letting him take his chances, fighting him—they got into all sorts of fights even without me. Jed almost killed Kage so many times—be that by teeth or by trouble they were in through other ways. And that is Moon’s truth. You can ask. Although … Kage would probably laugh off some of his run-ins with mundane farmers and traffic these days like it was nothing…
“Back at the beginning, I even got Switch involved. He was trying to advance his relationship with Sarah when I started on Kage. I worked out a plan so we could help each other. Only she started running with others, even a human—always seeing Andrew as just a good friend. It was phases and phases before he got anywhere with her. Only a year ago now that they were digging a den. So I was never proper help for him.
“He helped me some getting in with Kage and Jed. Then, for times when Kage would take off and not give me a sniff for weeks on end, Andrew tried to get me interested in relationships with mundanes. I suppose it worked for him for a while. It was nothing but distraction for me. Like going to the cinema when you have to wait hours for a train. Doesn’t even matter what film, and you don’t remember it later.
“I finally won Kage, not because of anything I did, but because of what Jed did. I used to have nightmares about Jed dragging Kage off—like he’d taken Gabe from me. Jed was this black cloud monster that would swoop in and swallow anyone. Kage would vanish and I’d hear the crash on the motorway as Kage was hit but Jed got away; or the blast of the gun as Kage was shot but Jed ran; or Kage’s screams with Jed’s teeth in his throat. I lived on a tightrope, panicking, constantly needing to know where Kage was.
“If we went to bed together and I woke up to him gone, it took me half the day to calm down, even if I’d found him two minutes later.
“It got better, bit by bit. Kage spent more time with me and less with the rest of it. He wasn’t in so much danger from the pack anymore as they could see he was being more responsible, staying in a proper worm job and
all. I pushed him for anything like that. Jed pushed him away from it. He hated worms, hated how much time Kage was spending in skin now, and hated me for dragging Kage away. He started fighting Kage all the time, and with his father, still going out with him—even though I had Kage staying in by then.
“All leading up to the day Jed attacked me when we were both in fur and tried to kill me. I’d provoked him. It was daylight, right out in the woods. He’d tried before. His reputation was at a low. I had no chance against him and I wanted someone to see. Sure enough, it didn’t take much to goad him. Some of the pack did see, and Kage changed and saved my life, but no one did anything. A case of fur to fur fighting among young males with a known history for it? Something for their parents and core to discuss with them. No one even bringing out the cuff.
“I couldn’t believe it. When were they going to take this seriously with Jed? A few more crimes, another dead sheep, biting skin, things like that, and the pack would execute him. His father was heading that way—never sober and also in skin at one time anymore. If only he would take Jed down with him.
“That’s why … all this time… Jed thought I hated him because I was jealous. Simply because I wanted Kage’s attention on me. Everyone seemed to think that. It’s why Jed hates me so much. Because I did horrible things to him and he has every right to hate me. I do love Kage’s attention—of course I do. But that was nothing to do with how it started. Nothing to do with the nightmares and desperation to shatter the relationship between those two.
“After that, Kage railed at him the next day when he found Jed. All about how Kage was done with him, would never run with him again after something like that—since he’d nearly killed me and I was trapped in fur for weeks with broken bones. Telling Jed he was mental and a drunk like his father and on and on. That was when Jed attacked him and truly did his best to kill him. To murder Kage with his teeth—his cousin and best friend for most of his life. Well … something like that? I thought the pack would be through with him. But no. It was only the cuff for a while: so no changing to fur.
“Which left me just as scared. Kage was done with him. He’d publicly proclaimed so. But Jed was still around, still hating both of us, still able to take Kage away—by death this time. So I was still having nightmares. Yes, Kage was done, but I wasn’t.
“Once we were both healed, I used to follow Jed, harass him. I would fight him with Kage in fur, taunt him in skin, set him up. Twice he bit me when I was in skin. I thought surely that would be enough. Either Jed would follow Gabe away or the pack would lose patience and kill him after so many infractions, which he was still piling up with his father.
“Since Jed lived, and remained in the pack, the second best I could do was make him scared of me. So scared he would stay far from both Kage and me. That’s why I wouldn’t leave him alone when I saw how lenient the pack was with him. I wanted him terrified. I wanted constant reminders to Jed that I had my nose on him—that I had the power to get him back in the cuff, or worse. Schemes like spying on him when he snuck from the territory in fur, reporting him to the elders. Or starting a fight and having a witness for the blood after.
“I did frighten him. He probably thought I was psychotic. Jed’s hackles would go straight up from a sniff of me in those days. Scared predators … all of us … the most dangerous and unpredictable…
“It’s sharp ice. I know. I’m not proud of the things I did to him. I’d do it all again to save Kage. But … that was a black Moon also. See … I didn’t really need to. Jed changed anyway.
“That autumn, after Jed’s own record was getting so long the elders couldn’t ignore it any more, they killed his dad. That was what changed Jed. It was like he went into hiding. Then he left for seasons, took up with the Beech Pack, finally back from that and he was also different. He’d mellowed out since he’d stopped drinking and didn’t have either of his old running buddies left to push him for another adventure. He never spoke to anyone, never looked up, never growled at me, never glanced at Kage. He hadn’t just mellowed. He was depressed. He’s always been depressed, looking back. I didn’t know that was what it was then. Only … this time he was so depressed he wasn’t much of a danger anymore.
“I relaxed, even though he was back. It was over. We’ve always stayed enemies, but I’m not proper afraid about him and Kage anymore. Leaving Jed with him in that condition … it still gives me chills. It’s more a memory now, though … if that makes sense? I regret some of the sterk I did. But not all of it. I don’t regret a second of getting Kage away, taking care of him, keeping him safe. Only that it didn’t end there. And myself being so scared. It’s a terrible way to live—makes you sick. Always scared? So afraid to lose something, so afraid that someone will take what you have, hurt what you love, that you can’t sleep at night? Not only Jed, but afraid for what Kage would do to Kage. That’s no life at all. Yet I’d tried to turn Jed’s life into that same black Moon sort of terror.
“But Jed wasn’t the only one to change. Kage and I grew up with each other in these past years. We showed each other where we were weak and how to do better. And where we were strong and how to thrive. If one can’t hold up under a certain sort of weight, we have the other there for support. It seemed we were just getting into the good part, you know?
“We’d been through the valleys, we’d fought the monsters, and we were sober, free, climbing out, shaking our coats and learning a new song: finding how glorious these lives could be together. Then … our families started being murdered. Fear came to the whole Sable Pack.
“You came with it. You’re our silver, Cassia, as well as silver lining. I’m sorry I’ve been hard on you. I didn’t mean to be. When I see Kage interested in someone else, sometimes I get scared again. I remember how that felt—afraid he would vanish overnight. But he’s not like that. And you’re not like that. He’s always been easily distracted in love. It’s all right. That’s been part of learning to be strong together, comfortable with each other. I should have given him complete freedom instead of holding back part of the time.
“I never meant to cause you real trouble. I swear I didn’t. I was upset that night in Yorkshire because Kage was reeling and so miserable he wouldn’t talk to me. So I went to you instead. You were playing ball with Jed in the field. I thought I’d tease Jed about the ball. Maybe you’d throw a stick for me or something and we could have a game too… Only, you said I couldn’t keep bullying packmates and maybe I should take Kage and go home if that was how I was going to be. I’m sorry. You were right. What you said was fair. But it didn’t feel fair at the time. I was so worried about Kage being upset, plus not being able to be with him. Then turning to you and you were cross with me. Then I was angry about that and lonely and thinking about Kage and Rebecca and…
“I didn’t know Kage would be so furious. He’s usually quick: narked, then done, moves on. I wasn’t thinking about all that had happened between him and you and how upset he was already. I had no idea he’d be livid with both of us and not let it go.
“I wish I could take back hurting you. I didn’t mean it to be out of control. But I did mean to … throw a boot in the broth, as Mum says. Sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I love you being with us. You’ve been my friend right from the beginning. You didn’t want to step between us and you haven’t. You never take away. You only give—bringing more to us. Besides, I love how Kage loves you: him being happy and the way you challenge him, and he does his best for you. He loves to be pushed. His favorite is when someone says, ‘I bet you can’t do that.’ Or, ‘Is that all you’ve got?’
“And Kage… Will you tell Kage I’m sorry? Sorry I couldn’t be with him now? And about you… I should never have snapped at you. That old fear … almost losing him in the attack, then you saying I had to leave him, right when we needed each other most… There’s no excuse for how I spoke to you. No matter what was happening. You’d just saved his life with your magic. I needed to bite the river—never you.
�
��Then Jed staying…? I know Jed’s not trying to kill him anymore. It was a long time ago. Back then, I wanted Jed to die also. So perhaps we’re even. But you don’t know what it was like. Hearing it, seeing the stitches down Kage’s neck. A centimeter more and he would have bled out. That was how close Jed was to murdering him.
“Moon says keep hunting, keep singing. That was another Moon. I want to live that way. This Moon, in the end, is the Moon we have. Not the one before, not the one after. This one. I remind myself of that. I try.
“So … thank Jed for me too. For looking after Kage. Maybe … by the time you’re back north, Kage will be able to put his skin on. I hope so.
“I’m tired, Cassia… I just wanted you to know because you’ve been through so much with us. All you asked in return were … questions. You didn’t want money or a favor or free room and board. You asked about us. You asked to know us better. So … now you know something. No one else alive knows about Gabe. Or the panicking and nightmares. Kage knows the rest of it. He never knew how strongly I felt. You can’t cling to Kage. He’ll only tug away. You just have to invite him in every day and hold him while he’s there. I could never let him know how scared I was to lose him—how that drove me. He’d think less of me. Don’t tell him that bit, all right? Or just a hint if you want to. I don’t want you to lie to him.
“Although … perhaps… Could you tell him I bit the mage? Right at the end? Before it was over? That I did some damage? Kage will want to remember me that way. It would make him sick to feel helpless at the end. He wouldn’t want that for me anymore than for himself.
Moonlight Whispers: A Reverse Harem Shifter Romance (The Witch and the Wolf Pack Book 8) Page 29
