by Nelson Lynch
The Taylorville Pearl
Nelson Lynch
Copyright 2011
ISBN 978-1-4661-0798-4
Cover: Microsoft Clip Art
Baron Pine and Countess Hennigan were careening thru the mean streets of Taylorville searching for the Hogskull Tavern. The Baron spotted the tavern and yelled at his mules, “Whoa, you mangy critters. Whenever I’m near a tavern, I develop a bodacious thirst.”
The stable boy ran out and grabbed the mules. “Yes sir, how can I help you?” He sniggered a bit. “What do you want? We got a nice young maiden out in the barn.” He watched as the Countess alighted from the stagecoach. He held one hand to shield his voice. “We got a nice old man out in the barn for her.” He started giggling and stomping his feet.
The Baron snapped his whip, making a feeble sound. “Boy, what’s your name? Do you even know your name?”
“It’s Cash. Everybody calls me Cash because I never have any.” He giggled and wiped his nose on his coat sleeve.
The Baron glanced at the Countess. “A dismal place, but the mules are tired. I want a dark ale as long as my arm. There must be good food, drinks and decent rooms in this Inn.”
The Countess strode to the door. “They better have oysters. I want a dozen raw on the half shell for starters. Then another dozen steamed to perfection. I’ll wash them down with a quart of Taylorville’s best ale.”
The Baron placed the whip back in its socket. “Any decent vacant rooms here, boy?”
Cash put his thumb against one nostril and blew hard. A large wad of snot landed close to the Baron's foot. Cash giggled a bit. “That nice young woman out in the barn, she'll do anything for a dollar.”
Baron Pine stroked his beard for a second. “A dollar you say. What do you get out of this transaction?”
“I get to watch.” He held out his hand. “One dollar in advance. It's a dollar and a quarter at the barn.”
The Baron flipped a nickel in the air for Cash to catch. “Feed and rub the mules down. Make sure they have oats and corn instead of plain alfalfa.” He walked to the door and turned around. Cash was still staring at the nickel. “Make sure you sweep the coach out. The Countess is very demanding.” He yanked open the heavy door and stepped into the main room. The smell of unwashed bodies, burnt animal fat and stable smells assailed his nose. He shook his head once and ignored the smells. He sat down with his back to the table and waited. A plump woman entered, wiping her face on her apron and walked to the Baron. The Baron lifted his right foot and the woman straddled it, facing away from the Baron. She began pulling his boot off. The Baron placed his left foot on her ample rear and pushed. After much grunting and swearing the boot came off. She quickly straddled the left foot and pulled. The Baron used his bare toes to dig into her rear and pushed hard. She threw the boot near the fireplace.
She wiped her hands on her apron again. “Now what can we do for you and the lady.”
“We’d like two rooms.” The Countess eyed the woman’s dirty hands and clothing. “Clean ones too.”
The Baron patted on her rear end. “What’s your name? You are an awful good looking wench to be working here.”
“Thank you, sir. My name be Joanna. Sweet Joanna they call me.”
“I don’t care what the local boys call you,” the Countess said. “We want two clean rooms. Do you understand?”
Joanna nodded her head. “Yes ma’am, I understand. But we only have one room. Can’t you two spend the night together?”
The Countess slammed her hand on the table. “No, the Baron is my brother-in-law. I’m married to his brother. Now do you understand? We want two rooms.”
“It has a big double bed. Both of you can easily sleep on it without bothering the other.” She began giggling when the Baron pinched her rear.
“What ails you girl? Are you afflicted? What do you think I am? A tramp that would sleep with her husband’s brother?” She watched Joanna giggling and wiggling her rear end. “What else do you have?”
Joanna composed herself and slapped the Baron’s hand away. “One of you will have to sleep in the barn. It has nice clean fresh hay.”
The Countess nodded and looked at the Baron. “You’ll just have to sleep in the barn tonight. It’s probably softer and cleaner than the room.” She hesitated a few moments. “How much is the room?”
Joanna held up two fingers. “Two dollars.”
“I suppose the barn is cheaper. What is it? One dollar?”
Joanna began to giggle. “It’s two dollars, too.”
The Countess wrinkled her nose. “How can that be? Nobody wants to sleep in a barn.”
Joanna winked at the Baron. “The barn does have certain advantages.” She moved away from the Baron. “What would you like for dinner tonight?”
“We want a two dozen oysters on the half-shell first and then another two dozen steamed for beginners. What is the main course?”
“Canvasback duck and turnips.” She stopped, hearing a commotion outside. “It’s the weekly stagecoach, bringing mail, supplies, news and an occasional passenger. I wonder if we have another guest.”
A small woman entered, walked to Joanna and stood there with hands on hips. “Where’s the help around here? My chest is lying outside in the dirt. The coachman threw it down from the very top of the coach. If anything is broken, I’ll just cry.”
Joanna went to the back door and stuck her head out. She screamed at the top of her lungs. “Cash! Cash! Get your sorry ass in here. Get down from the barn loft and bring the luggage in from the coach.” She returned to the table and stood next to the Baron. “Now what can I do for you, ma’am?”
The woman drew herself up to her full height of four foot, eleven inches. “What do you think I want? It’s evening time. I’m hungry, tired and cold. Therefore, I want dinner and a room. I’m on my way to Cape Charles to see my husband. I haven’t seen him for one whole year.”
“Tough titty. I got the only room and you ain’t sleeping with me.” The Countess pointed at the door. “You’ll have to sleep outside in the barn.”
The Baron pushed Joanna away to see the newcomer.
“What! You expect me to sleep in a barn with the chickens, goats and God only knows what else. I am the Duchess of Dorchester. My husband, the Duke, is very influential with the new government in Washington.”
The Countess looked at Joanna. “Don’t even think about giving my room to that little twit. My husband is the Count of Crisfield and is a confidant of George Washington.”
Everyone stopped talking and looked at the opening door. Cash shuffled in with a huge chest on his back.
“Where does this go? It must weight a ton.”
The Baron and Countess spoke at the same time. “To the barn with it.”
Cash let it slide from his back, making no effort to break it fall. It crashed with a resounding thump and fell on its side. He stomped the floor a few times and kept slapping his thigh. Finally, he stopped and looked at Joanna. “Where do you want this trunk?”
Joanna didn’t look at the Duchess. “To the barn and for God’s sake, be easy on it. Don’t let the hogs be rubbing against it.”
The Duchess put her hand on her forehead and wailed at the ceiling. “I can’t stand it. How can I be treated this way?”
Cash danced another short jig. “It’s going to be a hot time in the old barn tonight.”
The Duchess pointed her finger at Cash dragging the chest out the door. “Is he going to be in the barn?” She put her hand to her head again and spoke in the same wailing tone. “Oh, I feel faint. I need a brandy. Quick.”
“Make that three brandies.” The Baron held up three fingers for emphasis. “Make it snappy. This poor lady is in distress.” He quickly walked to the Duc
hess. He took her other hand. “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you from that sex fiend. I’ll sleep in the barn also.”
She snatched her hand back. “Help, call the sheriff. I’m being attacked right here in Taylorville. Wait until my husband hears about this outrage.”
“I’m just trying to help.” The Baron took her hand again.
“He’s touching me again.” She looked at Joanna. “Isn’t there anyone here who will help a poor defenseless woman? I want to report this man to the sheriff.”
Baron Pine dropped her hand and retreated to his seat at the table. “My God, woman. I was just trying to help you.”
The Duchess of Dorchester shook her head in sorrow. “What is this new country coming to? I have to sleep in a barn with the animals and total strangers.” She reached out to Joanna. “Can you vouch for this man?” She pointed a quavering finger at the Baron. “That he’s not a sex maniac, pervert or a thief?”
Joanna looked from the Baron to the Countess and back to the Duchess, shaking her head the whole time. “He’s traveling with her and she claims he’s her brother-in-law. You can’t tell about people
