“Now it is you who are being the naive one,” she murmured, feeling the moisture well in her eyes. “You know Society would never accept us being together.”
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But I love you, Livie. I will always love you. And you love me. Surely our love can get us through anything.”
“If only that were true.” She roughly swiped away at a stray tear. “But it’s not just about us, is it? As desperately as I wish it were.” Her heart felt like it was withering inside, and all she wanted to do was curl into a ball and weep until there were no tears left. “My actions will have consequences not just for myself but for my friends and family. Scandal would follow them, too.” As her aunt had succinctly pointed out the other day.
“So, you are more worried about them than your own happiness?” There was a hint of both confusion and bitterness in his words.
“I have to consider them.” If only she could make him understand. “My actions have ramifications not just for myself but for them, too. If I were to follow my heart, I would never be able to see them again. Never be able to talk with them again. I just don’t think I can do that…”
The very thought of being isolated from her brothers and father, let alone Kat and Etta, was devastating. But equally, the mere thought of never seeing Sebastian again was a loss from which she knew she would never recover. But what else could she do? Being with him meant giving up everything. It meant giving up her family. Her friends. Her entire world as she knew it. How could she do that? Especially when it would rip her family in two. “I’m all that my brothers and father have left after my mother died.”
“You would seek their happiness above yours?”
“It would be selfish if I considered only myself.”
“Then why did you tell me you loved me?” His voice was a tortured whisper. “Why tell me such a thing when you knew we could never have a future together?”
“I don’t know,” she cried. “I didn’t think it through at the time.”
“You’ve changed your mind, haven’t you?” There was a hollowness to his tone that was like an arrow in Livie’s heart. “Now you’ve had time to think upon it, the ramifications of us being together have hit, and you’ve realized what you felt for me was lust and not love.”
“It’s not like that. I meant every word I said, Sebastian.” She raised her chin and looked him straight in the eyes, caring little that tears were now streaming down her face. “I love you. I will always love you, even if we can never be together.”
“Then be brave, Livie,” he urged her, reaching over and gripping her free hand with his. “Please be brave for both of us.”
“I wish I could be.”
“You can be,” he urged, squeezing her fingers. “You’re the bravest woman I know.”
“I can’t hurt my family.” She pressed her lips together before taking a deep breath. “You have no idea how much my mother’s death devastated my family. And it was my fault she was taken from them. I can’t break their hearts again and leave them, too. Can’t you understand that?”
He dropped her hand and took a step back from her. “So you will break my heart instead.”
“That is the last thing I want to do,” she cried, frustration and upset nearly overcoming her. “But what else can I do? How do I give up the people I love without care or thought, putting my own desires first? I just can’t, as much as I might desperately want to.”
“Very well then.” He bowed to her, his posture distant and formal. “Clearly, you’ve made up your mind and I shall not try to convince you further. I will escort you back to my house and ensure your and your aunt’s safe passage back to London. Then we shall have no further interaction with each other.”
“What of the gazette?”
“Ah yes, your precious publication.” His jaw was clenched and there was such coldness in his eyes. “Don’t worry, Lady Olivia. I am a businessman first and foremost, even if I did try to deviate from that with you. I will honor our agreement and stay as a silent partner, for I do expect it will make me money. Now come. Your aunt will be worried.”
And with that, he stalked off ahead, his entire body rigid as he navigated through the forest. With each step Livie took, following him, her heart withered away, bit by bit, and a horrible sinking sensation in her stomach nearly made her gag. For she feared she had just made a decision that she would forever regret. But what else could she have done? Loving the Bastard of Baker Street was always going to get her heart broken. She just never realized how agonizing it would be, until this very moment.
Chapter Fifty-One
“Is everything all right, my daughter?”
Slowly, Livie turned her gaze from the rain-splattered windowpane to glance over at her father, who stood in the doorway of the sitting room, concern etched in the creases around his eyes. “I’m fine, Father. Why do you ask?”
Of course, she was anything but fine, her heart broken since her return to London a fortnight ago. Even the smashing success of the first edition of the gazette being released and selling over thirty thousand copies had done little to appease her melancholy.
Although, her day had brightened yesterday when Etta had visited with news that Daverell had fled to the continent, his engagement called off by the Duke of Bremmley after news had broken in the gazette of Daverell’s financial woes and philandering.
But even with that, and the news that Lord Chilton had been arrested for his involvement in conspiring to conceal Alice’s murder, Livie still woke every morning with regret heavy in her heart and Sebastian’s image haunting her dreams.
But what else could she have done but rebuff his love? Her aunt had been right; her actions would have consequences for all those around her. How could she have placed her own selfish wants and needs before those of all her family and friends?
Her father walked over to her, his long stride covering the space with ease. He sat beside her and picked up her hand, his blue eyes probing her own. “You haven’t been the same since your trip to the country with Demelza and all that occurred.”
When they’d arrived back in London, both Livie and Demelza had had to apprise her father and brothers of what had transpired, particularly as both would most likely have to give evidence in Lord Chilton’s trial. So her father knew most of the happenings at Sebastian’s estate, but obviously Livie had told no one, not even Etta, about what had arisen between Seb and her.
“Did something else happen, Livie, that you haven’t told me about? Something to make you so desperately unhappy?”
There was such understanding in her father’s eyes that, before she knew it, tears were streaming down her face, and she buried her head in his chest just as she used to when she was young. His arms wrapped around her tightly, so strong and comforting, that Livie’s tears began falling in earnest.
“There, there, my darling girl,” he soothed, holding her as a torrent of her tears unleashed. “Everything will be all right. I am here for you, no matter what.”
Livie had no idea how long they sat there, while she cried her heart out and her father simply held her close, until she had no tears left.
“Did someone hurt you, my daughter?” He squeezed her hand tightly. “If so, you can tell me without fear.”
Raising her head, she wiped away the wetness from her cheeks. “No, it is nothing like that, Father. In fact, it was I who did the hurting. You see, I’ve fallen in love with the most unsuitable man in the world.”
Her father was quiet for a moment. “Sebastian Colver?”
“I really am an open book, aren’t I?” She laughed without mirth. “I should try to mask my emotions more. But, yes, I am in love with Sebastian.” How could she deny the truth to her father? “Now can you understand why I’ve been so miserable? To love someone who you can never be with… ’Tis torture.”
“He does not return your love, then?”
The very image of Sebastian declaring his love and trying to convince her they could make being together work, sent a fresh shaft of pain through her. She glanced out the window, unable to look her father in the eyes. “He does. Or at least he did before I rebuffed him. I doubt he still feels the same way now, though.”
“I wouldn’t have thought Colver to be a fickle man,” her father said.
“He’s not,” Livie replied, watching as the rain continued to pummel the glass. “But after I rejected him, I imagine he’s steeled his heart against me. But what does it matter in any event? He and I can never be. We both know that.” Taking in a deep breath, she glanced down at her father’s fingers still intertwined with her own. “Are you disappointed in me?”
She couldn’t bear to look at him and see the fact mirrored in his eyes. For how could he not be disappointed in her? She had given her heart to a man her father could never approve of or accept.
“No, Livie, I am not disappointed in you.” He placed his fingers under her chin and raised her head until her eyes met his, and she saw the moisture welling in his eyes, mirroring her own. “What I am is heartbroken for you. For when you are hurting, so am I.” His voice broke slightly.
“I’ve made such a mess of things, haven’t I?” Her shoulders sagged and a familiar feeling of heaviness settled in her heart as she smiled sadly.
“You’ve made a mess of things only if you don’t fix them.”
“That is what I am trying to do, Father,” she said. “I am trying to forget him and move on with my life. Even if a part of me knows I will never be able to fully do so.”
“That is not what I mean, Livie.” He abruptly stood and walked to the other window. For a moment he stood looking out over the gardens before he turned back to face her. “To love another is a gift. And when you find love, you must hold onto it dearly for as long as you can, no matter the consequences. For it can be taken away from you in an instant.”
“Like Mother was taken from you,” Livie whispered. “Because of me.”
“No.” He emphatically shook his head, striding back to where she sat and crouched in front of her. “It was not your fault, as much as I know you blame yourself. It was your mother’s time, and as devastated by her death as I was, and still am, I know she is waiting for me to join her, when it is my time. What I also know is that she would have wanted you to be happy. To experience the sort of love she and I shared.
“And that is what I also want for you, Livie. I want you to know how it feels to truly love another and be loved in return. I’d quite despaired that you ever would. You’ve locked your heart closed for so long, pushing men away, blaming your limp when in fact it’s been your indifference to them all that has kept suitors away. But I want you to be happy, and if Colver is the one you have given your heart to, then so be it.”
“But Father, you know Society would never accept such a match.” Confusion filled her. How could her father, of all people, be advocating in Sebastian’s favor? “You are a duke, and I’m your daughter. How can I marry someone of Sebastian’s station? If I did, I would never see you or my brothers again. I would never see my friends again. It would break my heart.”
“Why on earth would you never see us again?” He appeared taken aback.
“Because Society would shun me,” Livie replied. “You couldn’t be seen in my presence or you would be shunned, too.”
“That is not necessarily the case.”
“It would be. You know his past and reputation as well as I do,” Livie declared. “He is feared and whispered about everywhere. If I were to put my happiness first and be with him, I would be ruined. And if scandal attaches to me, it attaches to you all. You know that. It is not so simple to follow your heart. I cannot be so selfish as to put my own wants and needs before my family.”
“Putting your own happiness first is not selfish.” He picked up her hands. “Livie, you were born to love others and to be a mother. To deny yourself that happiness would be foolishness itself. I would never forgive myself if I let you do that.”
“But how can I give you all up?” she cried. “I love you. You are my family.”
“You do not have to give us up.” He was emphatic. “Do you think any of your brothers or myself would care if Society whispers and gossips about us? As you said, I am a duke; none of them would dare cut me directly, or your brothers for that matter.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. And they wouldn’t dare to cut you, either, even if you did marry the Bastard of Baker Street. I wouldn’t let them. And I know for a fact, Colver wouldn’t let them, either.”
“As powerful as Sebastian may be, even he can’t stop Society from gossiping and shunning me,” Livie replied.
“My dear, Sebastian Colver has spent years building an empire, where he can do just that. Most in Society all either owe him money or desperately want to be on his good side to go into business with him. None would dare offend him, for fear he would cash in their markers or blacklist them from lucrative deals. Society may be mean and malevolent at the best of times, but above all they are self-centered and put their interests first. They wouldn’t dare incur our wrath by shunning you, at least not to your face.”
A slow spark of hope bloomed in her chest. “Do you really think that would be the case?”
“I do,” he confirmed. “Don’t misunderstand me, though, they will gossip greatly behind all our backs, and you may find yourself excluded from some events. But they will not cut you directly, especially if Demelza also puts her support behind your union.”
Livie sighed. “I doubt she will do so. Not when she was the one to point out the problems, having herself loved an unsuitable man a long time ago.”
“Nonsense. She loves you, too, Livie, and wants to see you happy.” He raised a brow. “Who do you think told me to speak with you and set you on the right path?”
Livie blinked. “But Aunt Demelza was the one to warn me against Sebastian. To remind me of the consequences I would face if I allowed my heart to lead the way.”
“She was scared for you, my dear.” Her father sighed. “No matter what Demelza says, I know for a fact she regrets not running away with her groom to this very day.”
“You know of her history?”
“Your mother was her closest friend. Of course I know.” He shrugged. “I think, her seeing your melancholy over these last few weeks has been enough to remind her of her own great regret, and the fact she doesn’t wish you to repeat her mistakes. She will support you. We all will. But tell me this, Livie, do you truly love, Colver, with every fiber of your being?”
Slowly, she nodded. “So much so, it hurts to think of never seeing him again.”
“And does he feel the same, regardless of your rejection of him?” Her father’s eyes probed her own.
“I believe so…”
“And will he treat you as you deserve? Will he care for you and cherish you?”
“He’s one of the most honorable men I know, regardless of his reputation.”
“Then you must take action.” He pulled her to her feet. “You cannot let love slip through your fingers and spend a lifetime living in regret. That is no life at all.”
“What if he doesn’t want me anymore? Especially after I rejected him when he declared his love… I doubt he will ever forgive me.” The memory of his anger and disappointment was like a bitter pill in her mouth. Livie hadn’t been brave enough to accept his love, and she feared that her lack of courage would have steeled his heart against her.
“If he can’t forgive you then he doesn’t deserve your love,” her father replied. “But you must at least speak to him, or you shall regret not doing so for the rest of your life.”
Livie felt her lower lip tremble. “I wouldn’t know how to approach him.”
“With courage, my daughter. I hear he is to be at Demelza’s
ball tomorrow night.”
She’d quite forgotten about her aunt’s ball, where Charlotte was to make her grand entrance. Of course, Sebastian would be there, even if no one knew the true reason for his attendance. After all, it wasn’t the first of Demelza’s balls he’d been to.
Could she approach him? Could she take that leap and tell him she had been wrong? That their love could overcome any obstacles? “I’m scared, Father. I’m scared he won’t want anything to do with me after I rebuffed him.”
“I know you are, my daughter. Love is a scary thing,” he said. “But without it, we are all lost. You must be brave with your heart, for true courage is taking a leap even in the face of your greatest fears.”
“I don’t feel very brave.”
He kissed her forehead and took a step back. “You are one of the bravest people I know, my darling. And whatever you choose, I will always be here for you. Now, I shall leave you to your thoughts. But do think upon my words, and I do pray that you take that leap of faith, my dear daughter. It is your future happiness that is at stake.”
Livie took in a deep breath and nodded, watching as he smiled softly before striding from the room. As the door closed behind him, she turned back to the window, noticing the rain had finally stopped and a rainbow was shining in the distance. Perhaps it was a sign? If only she could be brave enough.
Chapter Fifty-Two
“She’s magnificent, isn’t she?”
Sebastian heard the imperial voice of the Duchess of Calder from behind him, though he made no move to straighten from his position of leaning on the balustrade and observing the dancers below, his sister included in their number.
“I do believe I’ve outdone myself with Charlotte’s debut,” Demelza continued as she came to stand beside Sebastian, her cane tapping by her side as her sharp eyes glanced down to the throng below.
The Bachelor Bargain (Secrets, Scandals, and Spies) Page 33
