Left In Good Spirits

by Anne Pleydon

  “Laura, you’re really going to have to develop a spine if you’re going to survive here.”

  Laura stares at her with wide eyes.

  Kenny regrets her biting tone immediately. She continues, “I’m sorry, it’s hard here these days. What is it you want from me?”

  Laura mumbles, “I just wondered if you ever had the clients come here.”

  “We don’t really do that. I can’t remember the last time. They’d have to escort. And that wouldn’t make us any more popular. No, we’ll stick to the Rotunda for now. You’ve been doing a great job.” Kenny feels the need to pump her student up. “You’re handling almost all of the referrals now and have four short-term clients. And you’re just starting to help me with those two assessments in doing the collateral information and interviewing probation and the parents. And I have you set up to do the cognitive and academic testing on that other youth, right? Even though it’s not an assessment practicum, the more assessment hours the better, am I right? Do you think we’ve given you enough work?”

  Laura nods. “Yes. More than enough work for my 2 days. In fact, I wanted to talk to you about that.” She picks at the edge of one of the files.

  “You want more days?”

  “No.” Kenny hates how Laura seems to be choosing her words carefully.

  Laura says, with a quivering voice, “I just want to be mindful of the hours. I need to leave every day at 4:30pm. I’ve been staying late and I wanted you to know that I can’t do that anymore. I have an evening class starting on the Tuesdays now. And well, I hope that’s alright. I can’t come in any earlier than I do.”

  “That’s alright.”

  “I’m afraid of falling behind.”

  “Well, we’re all failing.”

  “I said, falling behind.”

  “Oh. Well, you’re free to come in another day or on the weekends to finish the work. You can’t take it home. Back in the day we could, but not anymore. No confidential information leaves the building.”

  Laura nods. Her face is contorted and red though.

  Kenny says, “Is there something wrong?”

  “No, no. I’m learning a lot. I’ll get everything done. Thanks,” she says, but her smile is tight. Kenny sees this and her brain tells her to reassure and soothe her student. But, then she ignores these cues on purpose. She cannot seem to conjure up the energy to even be present in this conversation.

  Laura leaves and asks her if she wants her door closed and Kenny says yes. She turns her head to the yard. Part of her likes Laura’s idea to bring the kids here. She too likes the idea of not having to walk out on to the Rotunda and deal with School Control. But, she still has to walk by there in the morning and afternoon. It will pass, it will pass, she thinks, although she is aware that nothing has ever ‘passed’ at Merivale. She cannot allow herself to replay in her mind what happened with Wolcott and Dunny, and how she ran out of the facility about to cry. Her face starts burning thinking about it.

  Kenny’s phone rings. She sees the extension is Rodney’s unit. She considers not answering but picks up. “Mental Health.”

  “Hey, it’s me.”

  Rodney’s voice is kind and curious.“I heard something happened with you.”

  The reaction in Kenny’s body surprises her in its speed and ferocity.

  “What ever you heard, it’s not true …” Her throat betrays her. It cracks and she cannot speak without crying. But then there is silence and she tries to force out a few words at a time. “I’m just tired.” And then it’s the sort of crying where speaking is impossible. She winces at the idea of Rodney listening to her sobs on the other end of the line. Was he horrified? Was he surprised?

  Kenny chokes, “They want a clinical unit designed, all the programs, and a behavioural management model. And they want it done yesterday. And I’m still seeing my other kids.” Her words are lost again. Then, she says, “And the Ministry thing. No one knows anyone on Mental Health but me so I’m somehow the figurehead of the new clinical unit in everyone’s eyes and …” She cuts herself off.

  Rodney says, “I didn’t call to talk about what happened. I only called to see if you’re alright.”

  “Oh.” She sighs and feels something in her relax. He is on her side. He isn’t calling to ask the classic question, What did you do to piss off the staff? Rodney lets her cry and doesn’t say anything. But then she cannot help but speculate what Rodney heard. She squeezes her eyes shut tight at the thought of Rodney’s reaction to hearing ugly rumours about her during the break, shift change, or hanging out at School Control. She cannot ask. He says, “Come talk to me today. We’ll chat.”

  “No,” she says, feeling like some of her old energy is returning. “I would die of embarrassment. We have to pretend this never happened.”

  “Hey, it’s normal. It’s healthy. This happened with my wife, Melissa, at her last job at MACC. The nurses eat their young there. That’s why she left. Believe me. I’m used to hearing about this stuff.”

  “No, seriously. Thank you. But I have to avoid you the rest of the day.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. But okay, you know where I am.”

  “Okay, thanks.”

  She hangs up. Although she feels supported she also realizes Rodney did not say a negative thing about the staff to make her feel better. He didn’t tell her they were pricks. Even when comforting her, he remained one of them. They always defend each other. She returns to her email and finds an old correspondence from Baird. She checks the date and notes that it’s been 16 days since they last spoke. She makes sure there are always arbitrary lengths of time between phone calls and emails so it doesn’t look like she is chasing him. She hates initiating the contact with him for some reason. She wouldn’t hesitate to phone Rodney or Frank or any half dozen other staff. Baird made her feel so very vulnerable. But every time she reaches out, he always responds positively. And the dopamine high from his first guttural words on the phone or henpecked email response puts a smile on her face every time that devastates her mind. It is a high. A cheap high. And she needs it. She needs to hear his voice and have it fill her.

  Kenny reaches for the phone receiver, but places it back down. The thought of calling him feels empty as she sits there wondering if Baird heard the rumours about her and her conflict with the B shift. Does he know the staff are bullying the Mental Health team? She wonders why he doesn’t call. But he will never call. She knows that. Unless it is work related. But even then. Rarely. Otherwise, she knows he would never initiate contact. Not in a million years. She knows there is something in him that will never allow him to do that. She wants the high but leans back in her chair and looks at the yard. She hears only the sound of her own breathing.

  Chapter 28

  THE A SHIFT IS WORKING today. This is Rodney’s usual shift, so Kenny feels a bit better walking through the Rotunda to the lobby and visitor’s cafe in order to get a coffee from Rita. On her way back she sees McDonough leaning in the door frame of the OIC office.

  “Doc,” he says when she approaches him.

  Kenny pantomimes stabbing herself in the stomach with a knife.

  McDonough says, “No, no, you have to do it like the samurai and vivisect yourself.” He takes two hands and motions stabbing toward with stomach and then pulling a blade horizontally and then vertically across his abdomen.

  Kenny smiles despite herself and stands close to him. “Are you serious?”

  “Of course,” he says. “It’s just like the wrists. Not these wimpy cuts across. It’s along the veins, along them.” He pretends to slice his arm from the wrist to the crook of his elbow.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Kenny says. “I have so much to learn from you.”

  “I’m not just another pretty face, Doc. But, that’s it. You now know everything I know.”

  “How to end it all.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Kenny leans against the door next to him as they survey the boys out
on the yard. “I can’t believe you never said anything about little Garrett to me. That must have killed you.”

  “Ugh, Jesus.”

  “Has he gone back to his home unit, yet?”

  “Not yet. You gonna start fixing him right away?”

  Kenny says, “No, I’m not ready to face that just yet. It’s like starting over.”

  McDonough shrugs.

  “What do you think about the Ministry email?” she asks, to change the subject.

  McDonough smiles. “Sounds like a good time to retire.”

  “Speaking of retirement, if Lana becomes Super, then who will get her old position.”

  The OIC shrugs, again. “I have no idea. It’s a hard one because they’re in charge of programming on Justice and Mental Health side.”

  “But we’ll all be the same side now.”

  “I think we’ll assign that role to one of the unit supervisors and then the clinical unit and mental health will be run by you and Dr. Mull.”

  “Oh, I’m not running it.”

  “I thought you were the hot Doc over there.”

  “No.”

  McDonough appears to quickly lose interest. “I’ll be on a golf course somewhere.”

  “This place will fall apart without you,” Kenny says.

  “No, it won’t. Do you remember Pat Beam? You’re too young to remember. Well, he told me once - he held up a glass of water, and he said, you see this glass of water? This is where we work. Now, your finger is you.” McDonough holds up his index finger and pretends to hold a glass in his other hand. “Put your finger in the glass of water. Now take your finger out. That’s what happens when you leave. You see that hole that’s left in the water?”

  “No,” Kenny laughs.

  “Right, because there is none. Don’t ever think you’re indispensable.”

  Kenny nods. McDonough steps into the office to answer the phone. Kenny looks at the boys on the yard. They’re in one of their moods when they walk slowly around the yard in a ring, mostly in pairs with their arms behind their backs. There are a couple groups of three, with two boys walking side by side and the third walking backwards in front of them, telling a story. She thinks it would be nice if they were at peace and composed, but they are more likely planning. Something will be going down soon. There hasn’t been a fight for awhile.

  Chapter 29

  BAIRD WALKS OUT ONTO the Rotunda instantly surveying which staff are in School Control. He notices Kenny sitting in one of the big chairs in the Rotunda looking out on to the yard. The boys of Unit 3 are out now. Baird never rushes but his stride is purposeful. He hates how acutely aware he is that Kenny is nearby. He stands in front of the OIC office.

  McDonough joins him. “Where were you this morning when we were wrestling the vermin of Merivale?”

  Baird snorts. “What are you talking about?”

  “Some genius left all the cages open and those goddamn rabbits were all over the inner courtyard and down the halls.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, some fine mind left that inner courtyard door open a crack probably when they fed those bastards and away they all went. It was quite the sight. And I tell you, I do not get paid enough to chase a bunch of rabbits all over the facility.”

  “Did you get them all?”

  “No idea. No idea how many we had. I’ve never had a damned thing to do with that nonsense.”

  “Lay out some traps or poison.”

  “There is shit everywhere.”

  “Oh, is that was that was?”

  “You son of a bitch. We could’ve used your help.”

  “You’re on your own. That’s why they pay you the big bucks.”

  “I’d go back to frontline if it wasn’t for the nightshifts. At the end of the day, I bring home $127 more a month. I could pick strawberries on the weekends over the summer and make up that difference.”

  Baird laughs.

  McDonough says, “You taking much time off this winter? Don't you usually go away in February?”

  Baird says, “The usual.”

  “You get to have your boy?”

  “His mother and I will share. I can have him for a week.”

  “Not easy.”

  Baird folds his arms and smiles.

  OIC nods in Kenny’s direction. “We’ll see if this one takes some time off.”

  “Why?” Baird asks.

  “Her husband is really ill. On round the clock care. It’s pretty bad.”

  Baird frowns. He has heard this information somewhere before, but it seems to carry more weight coming from McDonough.

  “Oh!” Kenny’s voice echoes in the Rotunda and she half rises in her chair with eyes fixed on the yard. The static of the radio channel opens and the OIC and Baird start for the yard before the staff issues the Code Red. Baird feels adrenaline course through his body. He used to run for the excitement of it, to be there, to get involved, and get hands on. Now, he runs solely for the staff. The faster he gets there, the less chance one of his co-workers gets hurt.

  McDonough and Baird push through the glass doors of the Rotunda and out on to the yard. The boys are already laying on their bellies in the grass and on the track and at the basketball court. Staff already have two youth on the ground when the Code Red team arrives. One staff has a handheld camera. Cody is brought to his feet and escorted by two staff immediately to Unit 3. Burrard resists the staff. He’s as big as some of them. They tie his hands and feet and when he tires out they carry him across the yard toward Discipline. The camera is pointed at him the whole way. The OIC chats briefly with the staff on the yard. Baird watches the youth get carried past him.

  Baird and the other staff disperse fairly quickly back into the units and Rotunda. McDonough will have paperwork to do now. And he’ll review the tapes of the yard to see who instigated the fight. Baird enters the Rotunda and sees Kenny standing by her chair chatting with Rodney. He looks away immediately and goes to the lobby for coffee. He doesn’t like the feeling he has when he sees them together. Baird has never had much to do with Rodney. He feels nothing for him or against him. But he interprets Rodney’s behaviour as ‘hanging around’ Kenny and he does not like it. He grimaces when he hears her laugh at something Rodney says. He hates especially that she tilts her head and shines her gaze directly toward his face. It’s unfaltering and unnerving. And he wants a taste of it. Baird is conscious that he is moving slowly back to the Rotunda with his coffee. He should go back to his unit but Kenny is alone again. He leans against School Control listening to the chatter of the staff about the fight. Kenny turns and looks at him and he walks toward her. He hasn’t seen her for weeks it seems. He sits across from her. She looks almost haggard but her smile is bright and wide.

  “Excitement, eh?” she says.

  “Not really.”

  “Did Burrard say something to you when he went by you?”

  “He said, ‘Good carry’ to the staff.”

  Kenny shakes her head. “I can’t believe Cody was in a fight. Is that like him?”

  Baird shrugs. “He’s been tense lately.”

  “Something up?”

  “Burrard’s been throwing his weight around. Something’s going on in the community.”

  “He’s lucky you didn’t get there first. You probably would’ve cracked his skull.”

  Baird’s laugh rumbles throughout the Rotunda. “Right.” The staff sips his coffee and watches her doodling on her paper with her black pen.

  Kenny sighs. “It’s all that untempered rage inside you. Where have you been? I haven’t seen you around.”

  “You’re the one who’s always running around pretending to look busy.”

  Kenny sets her jaw. “Right. But seriously, where have you been? You know for every day I don’t see you I draw sad face on my calendar. Dear Diary,” she pretends to write on her notepad. “There’s no reason to live today as I did not see Mr. Baird.”

 
Baird feels warm all over and leans forward in his chair. He studies her intently. She seems so wired and flighty. She is positively vibrating and he is drawn to her. Her eye contact is so fleeting though. He wonders about it though. She is steely eyed when asking him a question but when he directs his gaze at her, she looks away. He cannot seem to capture her dark eyes.

  “Okay.” She holds up her hand. “Back up, you’re in my space. Boundaries.”

  Baird smiles and leans back. He can’t remember the last time he felt so comfortable.

  Kenny says, “So, how are you doing since the whole Ministry thing was announced?”

  Baird shrugs. “We’ll see.”

  “It doesn’t affect you?”

  Baird takes a last sip of his coffee and places it on the arm rest. “Aren’t you going to be in charge of everything?”

  Kenny looks more distressed than amused by this statement. “Why does everyone keep saying that? Aren’t you the one they’ve been recruiting?”

  “Oh, I’m just a lowly government employee. I’ll just do what what I’m told.”

  “Doubtful.”

  Baird smiles. He wonders why she insinuates that he always has an agenda when really he is trying to get through his day without revealing any thought or desire beyond daily functional competence.

  Kenny points her pen at him. “They will be putting me in charge of mandatory regular mental health assessment for all the frontline staff. So, put your name down on the list, Mr. Baird. I’m going to need a week with you.”

  “Jesus. You’ll need longer than that.”

  “I just need 20 minutes. I can have you on your knees and then in the fetal position weeping in under an hour.”

  “That would never happen.”

  “Oh, it could happen.”

  “Don’t you have any work you should be doing?”

  “And don’t you have anything you want to be telling me, frenemy?”

  “Like what?”

  “You know. About the clinical unit. I mean, what’s up with you and Lana Clearwater?”