Left In Good Spirits

by Anne Pleydon

  Kenny’s eyes finally meet his. “Right.” She leaves his office heading to her wing.

  McDonough watches her disappear. His opinion of her has changed in some way. He can feel it. There is something highly emotional and unsettled about her and he doesn’t like it. He knows he has shifted her from one box to another box in his mind and that is where she’ll stay until he retires.

  Chapter 37

  KENNY ALMOST STUMBLES INTO her office and drops heavily in her chair. She moves her mouse to look at her sent email to her colleagues about the lack of support. There is no email from any of them. Her office phone is blinking that she has a message. She reaches into her desk drawer and immediately sees Noah’s file laying flat on top of her purse. She pulls it out and places it in front of her. She grabs her cell phone out of her bag and texts the community youth worker, Tim. “Hey, how’s it going? Have you heard about NF?”

  Kenny places her phone on the desk and opens Noah’s file. She looks at her first progress note on him. She remembers the first therapy session clearly and her face softens. “God.” She flips through the progress notes almost to impress herself with the volume and she reads the last one. She was seeing him in the community at that point. She remembers her voice had broke in that session. She had said, “I learned more from you than you probably ever learned from me. I’m happy to have met you and worked with you all these years.” He had been contrite. “I feel the same. Thank you. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” She returned, “Be good,” and he had said, “I will.”

  Kenny tells herself there has been a mistake. Her mind is reeling. She rubs her eyes. Her phone notifies her of a new text. It’s from Tim and reads, “Yes. :(”

  Her heart sinks and she texts back, “It is true?”

  She waits and reads the reply. “Yes.”

  She is still holding on. “True that he was charged or true that he did it?”

  She sees the dots as the youth worker texts, “Both.”

  Kenny drops the phone into her bag and clenches her fists. An email pops into her inbox. It is from Lana Clearwater. Lana writes to tell Kenny not to come in for the rest of the week and that she is being placed on administrative leave. There a time and date for a meeting with her and Dr. Mull and Human Resources. She is not to return to work or have contact with clients until the outcome of that meeting.

  Kenny closes her email and shuts down the computer. She pours her leftover cold coffee into another dying plant on her desk. She flips through Noah’s file looking for a particular session note.

  Chapter 38

  IT’S BEEN AWHILE SINCE Baird worked a night shift. He usually trades them with the younger folks. There’s always staff who like days and staff who like nights and they gravitate toward such. When he took his break, he is surprised to see Dr. Mull shuffling across the Rotunda. The only clinician who is ever around in the evenings is sometimes Kenny. Baird merely lifts his hand in the psychiatrist’s direction and one of the School Control staff offers, “He forgot his glasses.”

  Friday nights are typically quiet on the unit. The kids look forward to a movie, pop, and chips. Tonight, they can’t agree on a movie. Staff end up picking one and it plays in the background. But the kids have trouble settling. Everyone is abuzz because of the news of Noah Farewell’s arrest and knowledge that his 17 year old co-accused is in the Admission Unit. Baird wonders what Cody was up to when he was out and how much he had to do with it all. Cody would have known this whole time that his cousin was involved in shooting Marco Hastings. And Burrard would have known. This news helps Baird understand the dynamics on the unit the past couple months.

  Cody is at the fire exit door looking out on the yard. He says, “Holy shit!” He doesn’t look excited, just mesmerized. Baird is playing cards with a couple youth and hears Frank tell Cody to get away from the door. Cody doesn’t listen. Cody and Michelin have been hyper since they got back from working on the garden and two of them are just about driving Baird nuts tonight. But something in Cody’s frozen stance and localized attention tells Baird it’s something more than a female visitor or volunteer passing by. And certainly, Dr. Mull wouldn’t get that kind of reaction. It’s not a fight either and no late night admission would be coming through there. Baird’s eyes narrow. Now, Michelin is beside Cody, putting his hand to his mouth, whispering, “Oh, man!”

  Baird gets up to walk toward them not without telling both kids it’s the last time staff is telling them to get away from the door. They back off. And then Baird sees it. Warm red lights flickering through the door and windows of the Mental Health Unit. But it’s not lights. It’s fire.

  Baird doesn’t remember anything but he’s already half way across the yard and calling control to call the fire department. He reaches the unit door and within two strides grabs the extinguisher from the wall. He bellows, “Who’s in here?” but it’s late and dark and no one would be here except ...

  Baird turns down the hallway and sees an old oil drum in the file room. It’s one from the garden. He says, “What the …?” Something is burning in there, but the flames are already dying down. Baird gives the drum a quick blast with the fire extinguisher. Papers scatter everywhere. The air is thick. He sees the fire is contained. Dr. Mull stands next to the drum. His hair is in disarray. His mouth agape. He wails, “What has she done?” The rest of the Code Red team is starting to show up now.

  Baird can hear Dr. Mull chasing after him as he turns down the hall to Kenny’s office. The door is open. He puts his free hand on the door frame. No one is here. There is a small fire going in her tin garbage can. He takes the fire extinguisher to it as well. He coughs. It’s hard to breathe on the unit now. He sees only a single client file on the psychologist’s desk.

  Dr. Mull is behind him and persists, “Thank you, Mr. Baird. She’s not here. No. You can’t go in there.” Baird walks in anyway and his hand rests lightly on the file. It belongs to Noah Farewell. That prick, he thinks. Right, he was her patient forever all those years ago. SueAnn was injured in that Code that was called ...

  “Now, I insist, you cannot be reading patient’s files,” Dr. Mull says, as he makes the mistake of trying to grab Baird’s arm. The staff spins quickly and starts to put the psychiatrist in a straight-arm lock. Pushing down on the psychiatrist’s elbow, Baird hustles him out the door. Baird spits out, “Don’t take this personally,” and then shoves the psychiatrist into the wall. As he is released, the psychiatrist falls to the ground with a thud.

  Baird returns to Kenny’s office and locks the door behind him. The file. Therapy notes. So many of them, all typed, all numbered. Some long, some short. Why is this here? Why was she reading this file? What the hell happened here and what does it have to do with this file? And now he’s sitting. Another staff waves at him through the window in the door with a What the fuck? Baird waves that he’s fine. They give him another quizzical look but leave him be. He shakes his head. He’s not going to read these notes. They don’t mean anything to him. There are too many. His sigh sounds more like a growl when he closes the file. A loose paper falls out. Session #100. The kid is talking about the future. She is realistic that most kids don’t make it.

  And then Baird sees it in the note. Just a line or two. And something becomes clear and sharp, like a sound invading a dream only for the dreamer to wake and ultimately identify the real world source. His mind tells him to dismiss the notion because it can’t be true. But he is already up and off his feet shoving the paper in his pocket. He leaves the unit and the others watch him with disbelief because he’s not joining the debrief. They don’t question him. But he won’t be reviewing the tape with them tonight. He’s leaving Merivale. He’s in his truck, pulling out violently into the night, knowing the one highway that will get him to where she’s going.

  Chapter 39

  KENNY STOPS BY HER HOUSE for the materials and supplies. She’s been planning things for awhile. She has known but not known. She grabs her old leather jacket. T
he one she wore as a student before she started worrying about animal rights. She can’t believe she needs to stop for gas, too. Gas for her car. It seems like such a simple thing in the grand scheme of things. She doesn’t know why she asks for a regular pack of cigarettes when she pays for the gas. She hasn’t smoked since she and Daniel were in college. She makes sure to buy a lighter. Mara’s lighter died. She needs another one.

  Highway 1 is long and winding. It is twinned for the most part. It’s been recently plowed and the snow is still falling. There are few lights but she knows the way. Was it exit 4 she needs? Yes. She takes the exit and drives until she sees the nightclub. The two story building reminds of the saltbox houses she and Daniel saw on their honeymoon to the east coast. There is nothing else around. A rusted chain link fence surrounds the property. There is nothing but field and railway tracks out back. Cars are parked along the road and on the grass. Although the ground is frozen and covered in snow, all the traffic has made it muddy. Her boots sink into the dirt and snow as she hops out of her car. There seem to be people smoking around the back of the building. A couple is arguing next to their car. She lights a cigarette and takes a long drag. The nicotine rushes to her head. She surveys the building.

  The music is loud and booming on the first floor. Lights are flashing inside. She looks at the office windows above. There is a fire escape around the side of the building. She sucks on the cigarette one more time and flicks it into the grass. Kenny shivers in the leather jacket that can’t keep her warm enough in this weather. She heads to the front entrance with a large canvas bag strapped over her shoulder.

  The doorman puts his hand out to stop her. He says, “There is no way.” Then, his mouth opens, but no sound emerges. He is an old client of Kenny’s.

  She asks, “Brandon, how’s your mom?” He doesn’t say anything but moves aside for his former therapist to enter.

  Inside is packed with young people dancing and pressing up against the bar. She steps sideways through the crowd, moving slowly across the floor. She realizes she has caught the attention of the bouncers.

  Two large men move toward her. One touches her arm and says, “Can I speak with you for a moment?” She turns and looks at both of them. Their faces fall.

  “It looks like all of my Merivale therapy clients are here tonight,” she says. “Where is Noah?”

  Chapter 40

  IN THE OFFICE ABOVE the dance floor, Noah sits at a stained, wooden desk. There is an overflowing ashtray beside him. Eddie and a kid play video games on a huge, black leather couch on the other side of the room in front a large flat screen tv. Three other men are sitting on another brown couch texting on their phones.

  Noah startles out of his chair and up on to his feet when he sees his former psychologist walk into the office with a can of kerosene.

  “Kenny. Holy fuck.” His first thoughts are that she looks older and thinner and tired.

  “What’s this?” Eddie asks immediately, jumping to his feet.

  “It’s okay.” Noah raises a hand and remains behind his desk.

  “Noah,” Kenny states.

  There is a snicker. And Noah shakes his head. “No one calls me that.”

  “What do they call you again?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Hmm.” She surveys the room.

  He watches her gaze. “I run it for people.”

  “Oh.”

  There is silence. He can’t believe that he feels excited. Everything about her is like looking at her 10 years ago. How many times had that face challenged him, bored him, made him laugh? He doesn’t like her looking at him like that though. Disapproval. Like she’s waiting for some explanation from him. Eddie sits back down on the couch next to the kid but doesn’t resume playing. He watches them closely.

  Noah presses, “How’d you know I was here?”

  “Merivale.”

  “Who told you?”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Cody?”

  “No.”

  “He’s back there, eh?”

  “You know I can’t tell you that.”

  “Yeah, he’s there.”

  Kenny’s eyes rest on the kid who remains seated with the controller in his hands and eyes affixed to the screen.

  “Sonny,” Noah says.

  “You have a son. Just like you thought you would.”

  “Yeah,” Noah says.

  “He’s …?”

  “Nine. He’ll be going to bed soon.” He doesn’t know why he feels the need to say that.

  She nods. “Did it all turn out as you thought it would?

  His eyes narrow and he stiffens at the familiarity and tone of her voice. He responds, “What are you even doing here?”

  “You don’t know?”

  “No.”

  “Because of what I promised you back in Merivale.”

  “What?”

  Kenny simply stares at him as though waiting.

  “No. What?” he insists.

  Kenny’s brows furrow. She seems perplexed as though she is having trouble reading him. He feels her eyes on his tattoos. He knows she has never seen half of them. She says, “It was like the letter I would give you if you returned.”

  With no look of acknowledgement from him, Kenny continues, “You said, I won’t return. I’m never coming back. You said, So, you’ll find out I’m being bad long before I go back to jail. And I said, Being bad how? And you said, Like if you find out I’m some fuckin’ G still and shooting people and shit. And I said, And when I find out, what do I do? And you said … well, do you remember what you said?

  Noah is confused. He says, “Sounds like kid shit to me.”

  “You don’t remember? You made me promise.”

  “Fuck, that was a million years ago. Kids say a lot of shit in jail.”

  “You made me promise,” she persists.

  “Promise what?”

  “You asked me to come here. You said, Burn it. Burn it to the ground. You said, Promise me, Doc, that you’ll blow it all up if I’m ever bad again. And I said, But you will be bad. And you said, I won’t, I won’t. And I said, Okay, I promise.”

  It takes a moment for Noah to fully grasp what Kenny is saying and a half smile creeps on to his face. But he also sees her look of consternation and the kerosene can. He sets his jaw. He is aware that his crew is watching. This audience adds an extra challenge for him. Is this some kind of test? Some kind of game? She couldn’t really be threatening him.

  “Sounds like I was fuckin’ high,” he says, trying to sound as indifferent as possible to defuse the situation.

  “You weren’t high.”

  “How would you know?”

  “I know.” Her voice is flat and it’s making his back tense.

  “Fuck, you aren’t fuckin’ serious.” He feels his patience waning.

  She says nothing.

  “You’re calling the cops.”

  “No cops.”

  “What’s with this shit, then?” His temper gets the best of him. He knows he isn’t able to contain himself for long with her. He sneers as he gestures at the can. When she doesn’t answer, he says, “You know, you really need to get out of here.”

  Kenny still says nothing.

  Noah says, “You’re gonna threaten me and my place because of some shit I said when I was a little kid?”

  She says nothing. He feels his confidence growing. His crew seem amused.

  “You need to get a life.”

  “This is my life.”

  “Hmmph. Don’t do something stupid. You were a funny lady and all that. You got me out of discipline a lot. It beat sitting on the unit, okay. But that’s it.”

  “That’s not it.”

  “Whoa,” Noah says. “Look, I wasn’t gonna say anything about you being here because I respect what you did for me and all. But, you mess with my shit and I will kill you. Do you understand?”

  The
venom in his voice then turns to coldness when he sees that she is unaffected by him. He wants her to react to him.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You think you can come in here and fucking save a life?” He pauses, looks at the floor, and then back at her face. “You know, I was always dealing.” He waits for her reaction and still sees nothing. “I was dealing and running girls the minute I left that place. Even when I came to see you on the outs.” Still nothing. And then, “I wasn’t clean. I was using that whole time in Merivale.” He sees her flush ever so slightly and his heart quickens.

  “So fucking what?” He cocks his head. “What did you think? That I was the success story that you were gonna write a book about. Yeah, do you remember that? We both talked a lot of shit, didn’t we?”

  “Noah.” Her voice is trying to re-direct him.

  “Stop calling me that.” He almost prowls around his desk to step closer to her. “Who do you think you are coming in here with this shit?”

  The psychologist keeps staring at him.

  “Are you getting paid to be here right now?” He continues, “You must be getting fuckin’ overtime for this right now. Am I supposed to be all rehabilitated and shit with this. Okay, it all worked out! I’ve been saved by this white woman! You fixed everything!” His voice is vitriolic.

  Noah wants Kenny to stop staring at him. He is relentless, “Kids say shit in jail. Everyone lies in jail. They don’t mean it. I’m the same kid I was when I went in. It didn’t change me. You didn’t change me. I’m a good guy. I take care of my own. My family. That’s it.”

  “Noah.” Her voice is softer now and pleading.

  He is more forceful now. “You don’t get it, do you? Get the fuck out of here!”

  Chapter 41

  KENNY FEELS SHE AND Noah are at an impasse for a few impossible moments. Then, she exhales, not realizing she was holding her breath. A heat spreads over her face and she can feel her heart beating in her throat. The room is visible to her now and Noah’s crew is surrounding her. Their faces are quizzical. Their faces are angry. There is an aggressive energy in the room that is only being tamed by Noah’s earlier decree that she not be touched. She knows some of these faces and can read what they are saying. Faces that tell her it is present time and she is in trouble. But what scares her most is that Noah’s face is no longer recognizable to her. She desires to stop time. To just stop. To run away. To back track. Her mind reels to calculate the innumerable steps that have taken her here. Her mind is suddenly on Merivale. The slow realization that she is awake. She takes a step backward. Tears are coming to her eyes now. Her face of stalwartness has melted. Her gaze darts around the room. Her predatory resolve has faded away only to discover that she is now the prey.