WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A LIFT WITH A DENTIST: A POETRY COLLECTION
MARCUS FREESTONE
COPYRIGHT MARCUS FREESTONE 2013
ISBN 9781301249558
FICTION
The Least Resistance
The Memory Man: T14 Book 1
Random Target: T14 Book 2
Just Murder: T14 Book 3
Two Serial Killers, A Wedding And A Funeral: T14 Book 4
Never Kidnap A Serial Killer: T14 Book 5
Ethelbert's Sunday Morning (short stories)
NON FICTION
Positive Thinking and The Meaning of Life
101 Ways To Happiness
Tell Depression To #@%! Off
The Psychology Of Happiness: Unraveling Self Help Nonsense By Understanding Your Brain
Donald Trump and Brexit: Misguided Rebellion
101 Completely Made Up Untrue Facts
CONFESSION
Hello, my name is Marcus and I'm a poet.
Before you ask, yes, I do know it
for how could one be a poet and not know what one was?
It sounds like a confession I know:
Hello my name is Marcus and I'm an alcoholic
Hello my name is Marcus and I'm a drug addict.
Hello my name is Marcus and I'm guilty of fraud, perjury,
insider trading and perverting the course of justice.
Oh no, that wasn't me, that was Jeffery Archer.
Hello, I'm Marcus and this is a poem.
I'm not quite sure where it's going
I'm not quite sure where it's been
or if it's ever been heard or seen.
Does it exist as I write this line?
Will I finish this poem in time?
Will I accidentally commit a crime?
If I did would it help the rhyme?
What is this poem all about?
Will I read it in a whisper or shout?
In constructing the verse will I flout
the acceptable forms of linguistic structure, rhythm and rhyming scheme?
I still don't know what I'm writing about
so therefore I can't do an about turn
until I learn
to discern
between transitory, incoherent ideas that flit through my mind and those that are actually suitable for inclusion in poetry.
Sorry.
THINGS I WAS PROMISED BY 'TOMORROW'S WORLD' WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY BEEN DISAPPOINTED BY THE ABSENCE OF
Where are my x-ray specs?
Where is my hovercraft?
Where are my silver trousers?
I know it may sound daft
but I was promised these things
when I was in school
perhaps all those presenters
were playing me for a fool
I realise that making a spaceship
is probably quite hard
but I expected to have my own by now
thanks to William Woolard
All these things were promised
to me and all of us
but when I want to go somewhere
I still have to take the bus
I don't have a teleport bracelet
I don't have a hover car
I've never seen robot slaves
or a titanium bra
I don't have a time machine
or a personal dinosaur farm
I don't have my meals in a tablet
or a bionic arm
It's not that we need these things
they are not necessary
but we were promised them all
by those people on the telly
Still they have not materialised
within the world at large
but I suppose if we all had jetpacs
there'd be an airborn congestion charge
10 THINGS YOU WOULDN'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
A dead robin in a sock, a relaxation CD
that appears to be voiced by Ian Paisley
A pair of trainers pickled in bree
A vague sense of inadequacy
A perambulating hamster nailed to the knee
of a disgruntled member of a select committee
A piano where every single key
has been replaced by a rotting flea
A rotating vicar nailed to a tree
A swarm of traffic wardens exploding with glee
The bill for Elton John's latest spending spree
Some feces in a hammock I think you will agree
You wouldn't want these presents and neither would me
THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO RELIGION
Old and wrong ideas, superstitious fears
killing in the name all gods are the same
none of them exist just ghosts in the mist
that fall across a mind and say that death is kind
'they're in a better place'? Come say that to my face
Empirically you're wrong, another empty song
it's gone on for too long no faith can be that strong
god's boot stamps on your face yet still there is no trace
of doubt within your heart that you still stand apart
from those who don't believe and those who don't receive
god's guidance and love and all those myths from up above
Just wake up and see, it's wrong logically
you are just like me, a random entity
the universe has no soul and neither do we
we're just byproducts of chemistry
Impersonal laws, no purpose here
but this is not a cause for fear
we're all free to decide
our own will so choose with pride
choosing gives you life you see
don't abdicate responsibility
there's no need to subjugate
your freewill or live by fate
wake up and define yourself
seize your essence live your life
it's not nihilism, it's just realism
it's just real
it's just truth
it's just life
WHY I DON'T WATCH TELEVISION
Death and destruction, another new faction
waring religions, old superstitions
too much bad science and too much reliance
on opinion polls by who alone knows
I can't watch the news, the bigoted views
the stupidity it terrifies me
here's what to think and how much to drink
then expect me to vote it's beyond a joke
my intelligence insulted each day
I cannot believe anything you say
daily the lies burn into my eyes
all of your fears burn into my ears
opinion as fact tell me how to act
tell me what to think push me to the brink
That's why I don't watch television
because I hold you in derision
a media prompt for every decision
politics and truth a mighty collision
statistics are lies the government tries
as they patronise with wool over eyes
democracy fake they're all on the take
for their own sake election mistake
Entertainment stultifies, paint drying before your eyes
watch the news absorb the lies as media opinion tries
to make you scared of everyone feel the fear as you succumb
to their desire for fear and hate divide and rule so they create
an enemy for everyone to be against so we become
a nation scared to move or breathe and government can rule with
ease
cos frightened voters don't protest when they know government knows best
so don't accept what you are told and don't believe the lies you're sold
think for yourself be smart and proud don't just do what is allowed
by men in suits who live for power stand firm and we will have our hour
5 THINGS YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO READ IN A TEXT MESSAGE
1
Hope you're enjoying your evening out, I've just burgled your house,
I've left the fridge and cooker and a squashed, dead mouse.
Other than those three items, I've taken the bloody lot
oh, and your tooth brush has been up my arse
yours sincerely, John Prescott.
2
I saw you last week on the train, you noticed me I think
I wore a loin cloth and trilby can I take you out for a drink?
I followed you home that night so I already know your address
I also went through your wardrobe can you please wear that bright red dress?
3
I've just been checking my list and it's time to come for you
I'll call to collect you tomorrow at around half past two
if you could please be ready to take your last breath
I'll be wearing a cloak and scythe
Yours sincerely, Death.
4
You don't know me but I'm your real father
5
Your phone isn't working, you must be imagining this sentence.
CLONING AROUND
I heard on the news today they've cloned a sniffer dog
and now there's global panic that they'll go the whole hog
and clone a human being for some nefarious reason
which to the unscientific is tantamount to treason
"They'll be cloning Hitler next, or Stalin or Hussain,"
the ignorant will cry without trying to explain
why anyone would want to clone a dead dictator
or who they actually think would be the instigator
of such a pointless act, who would even bother?
One Hitler was bad enough we do not need another
But that's okay because it's all impossible
you'd have to copy everything, experience and all
You can't copy someones life revive their history
so even a genetic clone has a new personality
so, you see, there'll be no
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