by Emma Vikes
“Why don’t you ask her, Milo?”
Megan and Violet were coming over at us and Mrs. Barrymore automatically poured Violet a drink and handed her the glass and I watched as Violet downed the juice greedily, grabbed a brownie and then stalked off inside, claiming that she needed to change her clothes. Mrs. Barrymore hurried after her and I remembered how this was always their dynamic. Violet, trying to do something by herself and Mrs. Barrymore, fussing after her.
With that, it left me and Megan on the table and I pushed her the plate of brownies. “Did you get to score?”
She shook her head and made a face. “That kid is seven-years old, how the hell did she get so good at soccer?”
I grinned proudly. “She had a great coach.”
Megan pursed her lips and nodded, grabbing a brownie and taking a bite. “Mrs. Barrymore mentioned that you and Violet would be moving to Chicago and that she couldn’t come with.”
“So you came here to apply as her replacement?” I finished for her and her eyes widened for a moment, green eyes looking lovely against the afternoon sun. “Mrs. Barrymore mentioned to me a while ago that she mentioned it to you and you called her about the job. Now, it’s not that I don’t like you but why does a hairdresser suddenly want to move all the way to Chicago and take care of a child she barely knows?”
“Isn’t that the whole point of your job position?” she asked, looking at me for a moment and then realized what she had just said. “No, I meant...”
I pursed my lips. I didn’t like that previous statement because it felt like a sarcastic answer. “You have a job here in Irving, Megan, and I’m a single father raising a seven-year old kid. Don’t you think I have the right to be a little inquisitive on what your agenda is?”
Megan played with the condensation on her glass, her fingers deftly tracing squiggly lines all over the glass. “I’m not a bad person, sir. And if you want proof of that, you can ask my co-workers at the salon.”
“You have a job at that salon, Megan. Is the pay not enough?”
For a moment, my question lingered between the two of us. Megan inhaled deeply, exhaled, and then looked at me with even more green eyes. I waited for her to say something but slowly, I watched as she deflated, looked down on the glass and then replied, “No. It’s just that it seems like a brand new start and don’t you think we all need that at some point in our life?”
Chapter 4
Milo
Hiring Megan wasn’t a bad idea.
For starters, she knew how to take care of Violet- maybe not in the same sense as Mrs. Barrymore does but she tried- and they get along great. It was clear that as the impending date of our moving came to a looming close, the separation anxiety between Violet and Mrs. Barrymore began and it got to the point that Mrs. Barrymore had to stay over for the last few nights that we had left in Irving because Violet would cry every time she came home. It made me worry that Megan would feel bad, seeing how attached Violet was to Mrs. Barrymore but she didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she would give them more time together rather than using that time to build a bond between her and Violet.
When the day came that we had to leave, we spent the morning in Irving as I loaded up my truck with our boxes- which mostly contained our clothes and Megan’s, a few boxes that were filled with things in my office and other important memorabilia in the house like pictures and all, Violet’s toys and some important things of Megan’s. We passed by the cemetery for Violet to say goodbye to Rebecca.
“Milo?”
I looked at the rear-view mirror and met Megan’s gaze. She had transferred to the backseat thirty minutes into our drive since Violet was crying after saying goodbye to Mrs. Barrymore and she wouldn’t stop until Megan began to comfort her. She fell asleep an hour later and was still asleep. I’d been four hours into our 14-hour drive to Chicago.
“Yes?”
“You want me to take over?” Megan offered, looking at me expectantly. I’d been driving for four hours straight and although there hadn’t been any traffic and the entire ride was going smoothly, the truck was stick so it meant more effort on my part.
“It’s a stick,” I said slowly, glancing at her in the mirror. Megan cocked her head to the side, her right eyebrow raised.
“Pull over at that side,” she said and for a moment, I continued driving but when I glanced at her, she was still waiting at me expectantly to pull over so eventually, I caved. Quietly, she got out of the backseat and I climbed onto the passenger seat and she situated herself in the driver’s. She stepped on the clutched, switched to first gear, put the car on a slow crawl at first as she maneuvered us back to the lane, stepped on the gas, and then changed to a higher gear. “My Dad used to tell my brothers, it was rude for guys to discredit a woman’s ability to drive.”
I whistled lowly as I watched her change gears at the right timing, zooming past slower cars with the ease of someone experienced with driving a stick. “How long have you been driving a stick?”
Megan shrugged, her eyes focused on the road ahead of us. “I was taught to drive on a stick when I was 16. The only car we had was a stick and most of the time, I was the one who drove it if Dad couldn’t. We had to sell the car when I was 20 to pay for Dad’s remaining hospital bills.”
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond to that. I’d asked some questions about her to Mrs. Barrymore but she didn’t really know Megan that well. All she knew was that Megan didn’t have her parents now and that she dropped out of beauty school to help her younger siblings with their school finances. Other than that, I didn’t know more about her story.
“We used to have road trips when my Dad was well,” Megan said, a small smile on her face as she slowed down when we reached an intersection and sped up when she was sure there would be no cars crossing other than us. “Dad would force me to drive for three hours to the mountains. Imagine, it’s an uphill drive for three hours. My legs would give up by the time I get out of the car and my brothers would help me walk to the campsite.”
I nodded, still unsure what I was meant to say. “That sounds fun.”
Megan stopped on a red light and glanced at Violet in the backseat. She was still asleep. Violet couldn’t sleep well last night because she knew it would be the last time she’d be with Mrs. Barrymore in a while. They told me about her restless sleep this morning. No wonder she was knocked out right now.
“You didn’t say goodbye to your wife.”
She didn’t say it as a question but as a statement. Then the light turned green and we were moving again. I wasn’t sure how long I’d remained quiet after her statement but just like when she mentioned her Dad and hospital bills, and how they used to have road trips, I didn’t know what I was supposed to say and respond to her comment.
“I don’t...”
Megan glanced at me. “When we were at the cemetery earlier, you said that you’ll stay in the car while Violet said goodbye.”
“I wanted to give her privacy.”
“We would’ve given you privacy if you asked to have a moment at her grave earlier.”
I turned to the window. “That’s not something that I want to discuss. You’re Violet’s nanny. We’re only meant to talk about Vi.”
My comment sounded rude and standoffish but I didn’t care. It was true. Megan was Violet’s nanny and just because she offered to switch with me so I could rest after four hours, it didn’t mean we were suddenly buddies. Megan pursed her lips at my statement and didn’t say anything. For the next hour and a half, it was quiet, until Violet began to stir awake.
“Megan?”
“Hey, Vi,” Megan said beside me, glancing at Violet on the rear-view mirror, “that was a long nap.”
I turned to look at Violet. Her hair was a mess and her blue eyes were still bleary with sleep. “Hi, sweetheart.”
Violet stared at me for a moment, blinked, and then said, “I’m hungry, Dad.”
I glanced at my watch. It was nearly 6 PM. There was a 30-minute mote
l away from us. I wasn’t sure how I was meant to respond to her claim. Beside me, Megan cleared her throat. “I’ve packed some snacks for you in your bag, Vi. There are some fruits in there. You want to munch on those for a bit and then I promise we’ll get dinner.”
I exhaled in relief and Megan gave me a sideways glance. Violet didn’t complain, she fished out the Tupperware that Megan had placed inside, opened it and began quietly eating. By now, Megan’s been driving for two hours and a half. In the next thirty minutes, it would mean that we’d been driving for 7-hours, half the time that we needed to get to Chicago. If we headed out early tomorrow, we could reach the house that the company offered. It was a townhouse with three bedrooms, which was actually perfect for us. It was also already furnished so I didn’t have to worry about getting furniture.
Megan signaled to the right and I began to see the motel that I had intended for us to stay in for the night. If it was up to me, I would drive for fourteen hours straight and fuel myself with caffeine while doing so. But Violet would be tired of sitting in the backseat for so long and I didn’t want to do that to her. Megan parked the truck and the three of us got out, I made my way to the front desk, getting two rooms for the three of us.
I handed Megan her keys. “We’ll head at the diner after fifteen minutes for dinner. You can wash up or something.”
Megan nodded her head and with her overnight bag, she headed to her room. I was going to usher Violet to our room but she broke free from my hold and ran to Megan who was on the other side of the hall. “Megan! I want to stay in your room!”
Across the hall, she looked up at me and met my eyes. I could see the concern flashing in her green eyes and I could only hope that I managed to mask my hurt. “Sweetheart, c’mon, we have our own room.”
Violet furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head, looking up at Megan and tugging on the hem of her shirt. “But I want to sleep with you.”
Megan glanced at me again and then knelt down to be within eye-level with Violet. “Vi, you can hang out with me and get ready in my room for dinner and bed but you’re going to have to sleep in your Dad’s room.”
Violet made a face. “But I want to sleep in yours.”
Megan placed a hand on Violet’s cheek and then kissed her forehead gently. “You have to sleep with your Daddy, Vi.”
Violet looked like she wanted to argue but there was a stern look in Megan’s eyes that made my daughter sigh in defeat. She finally agreed with what Megan said. Megan glanced at me and gave me a curt nod and I watched as the both of them disappeared through the door. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, whenever Violet did things that made me feel she preferred being with someone rather than me, it made the distance between us even more palpable.
Still, I didn’t know how I was supposed to reach out to her.
I took a long and hot shower, letting the water run and drench my hair and body as I leaned against the wall, eyes closed, and willed the pain to recede. Sometimes, if you tried hard enough, you could force the pain to go away. This was something I’d learned after my Dad died and I had to be strong for my brothers. It came in handy when Rebecca died and when I learned about the affair. Unsure how long I’d been in the shower, I finally washed and then changed into cleaner clothes.
When I left my room, Megan and Violet were in the lobby of the motel, playing rock, paper, scissors and Megan feigning that she was upset every time Violet beat her. “Hey.”
They both looked up and Megan stood up, holding Violet’s hand and smiling. “Look, Daddy’s here. We can go have dinner now!”
Violet cheered and I was sure it was because we were finally eating and not because I had finally arrived. The diner was a short distance walk, probably five minutes away from the motel and it was quick to serve us our food after we ordered. Megan was focused on Violet and they were drawing with crayons on the placemat and I watched as she enchanted my daughter with her adorable drawings. She was nowhere near good but it was clear that she was trying and she laughed every time Violet thought it was another animal than the one she had intended it to be.
She was really good with Violet.
We finished our dinner quickly, probably because we were all tired from waking up early to make most of the morning left with Mrs. Barrymore. I was surprised when Violet tugged at my hand and reached her small arms to me and I realized that she wanted me to pick her up. I did and she hugged me, resting her head on my shoulder and I could feel my heart warm at the gesture. She fell asleep by the time we reached the motel and I tucked her into bed.
I wasn’t ready to sleep yet. I was tired but it was the kind of tiredness that left you restless, so I bought six cans of beer from the gas station. There was a small open area at the back of the motel and I noticed that one of the staff had made a fire even when no one was hanging out in that area. I took the opportunity, sprawled and sat on one of the lounge chairs, cracked open a can of beer and chugged half of it.
“Mind if I join you or I’m not supposed to because Violet’s asleep and my work for the day is over?” I could hear the slight annoyance in Megan’s tone through her words and it was clear that my words at the car earlier made her upset.
I turned to look at her and then handed her a beer. “I’m sorry for sounding like a jerk earlier.”
She took the beer and nodded her head, her platinum blonde hair looking silver under the dim fluorescent glow of the light. “You had a point. But admittedly, you could’ve said it nicely and not in the way that you did.”
Her response made me chuckle wryly. There was a moment of silence between the two of us and it was only broken when she popped her can open and took a sip. Megan didn’t say anything but sighed, closing her eyes. I looked at her and took in how at peace she looked. I remembered what she told me when we first met, how a bad morning didn’t dictate that the rest of your day would turn sour too. The short time that I’d known her made me notice how much positivity she seemed to radiate. It was kind of nice.
“I didn’t say goodbye to my wife because it hurt to do so.” I wasn’t sure why I said that but I felt like it needed to be put out there. I finished my beer and opened another one, chugging it quickly too because the bitter truth tore at the Band-Aid I pathetically put on my heart. “I wish I didn’t. I really don’t want to feel that way.”
I could feel Megan’s gaze on me and I refused to turn my head to her direction to see whatever sympathy I was sure would be reflected in her eyes. “You’re allowed to miss your wife, Milo.”
Scoffing, I downed the rest of the beer and was on my third one. I was aware of how fast I was drinking and I was never one for too many drinks. That was Julian and Leo’s thing. Everett and I had a low tolerance. But recently, I’d been drinking myself to my limit, testing and stretching it as much as I can. I was on my fourth beer when I finally responded to Megan, “Not Rebecca. She doesn’t deserve to be missed.”
“You speak her name with such distaste yet you’re here, drinking your sorrows away.”
Her statement made me look at her. “How sure are you that I’m drinking about her?”
Megan smiled with her lips and tilted her head to the side to assess me with her pretty green eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol that was slowly seeping into my system or maybe the dim fluorescent glow of the light above us but it seemed like she was suddenly insanely attractive and all I could remember was my brother, Leo’s words when I told him I was moving. The chairs we were sitting on were also a bit too close to each other that whenever I moved, our elbows brushed against each others.
“Because though your words try to claim otherwise, it’s clear in your eyes that your heartbreak is still very much present in your heart and I guess that’s the thing about heartbreaks, we never really fully move on from them.” Her green eyes shined brighter and her platinum blonde hair looked more and more like silver each passing minute. She turned away for a moment and there was this faraway look in her eyes that I couldn’t read. “Grief, sorrow and hear
tbreak, it’s amazing how they all flurry in our lives and let us fall in this rabbit hole of blinding pain that sometimes we can’t escape from. But the next morning we do. Because we have to. Because there are people in our lives that need us to be strong so that they can fall apart.”
“That sounds so sad and unfair,” I murmured, getting more and more drawn to her. I knew I was leaning in and I could smell the alcohol on her breath too. I hadn’t realized that she had also finished her beer and I could see the familiar drunk glaze in her eyes after one can. Lightweight.
Her breath hitched when she realized how near I was getting. “Life never is. But you learn to go through the motions because if you don’t, you lose. Better try your best and lose with dignity than none at all.”
I wasn’t sure what pushed me. Maybe it was her words or the way the light and the moon made her hair look silvery or how her green eyes looked so soft when she spoke. Maybe it was the slight lilt in her voice, the quiet faith that I hadn’t heard of in a while. Maybe it was the alcohol slowly polluting any rationality from my brain. But my lips pressed against hers, gently, softly, and in a heartbeat, I moved my mouth.
Megan sat frozen in her seat as I began to kiss her properly, my hand reaching for her neck and pulling her close. A part of me anticipated her pushing me away but for a fleeting moment, for a split second, she began to respond and I shoved my tongue in her mouth hungrily, suddenly desperate to taste every inch of her.
From her neck, my hand fell on her arm and inched to her breast, my thumb caressing her right breast from her shirt and Megan moaned into my mouth. But just as pleasing as her moan was to my ears, it was as if we were both doused with cold water and immediately sprang apart.
Megan stared at me wide-eyed, her mouth looked sore from the intensity of her our kiss. I opened my mouth to speak but Megan turned around and rushed back into the motel.
