by J. L. Beck
“When I get back you better be fucking gone, because if you aren’t, I’ll make you regret ever being born.”
Something in my chest tightens, the pressure mounting, and I know without a doubt, it’s my heart breaking, crumbling into a thousand pieces.
“What the fuck is going on?” A voice pierces the fog around my head, and I look up from where I sit on the floor, a pile of nothingness.
“Don’t worry about her…. She’ll be gone by the time we get back.”
“Get back? What the hell happened?”
“Nothing,” Warren roars, and I flinch at the sound. “We’re leaving, and if you won’t take me, I’ll drive myself.”
“Where are you going, and what about her?” I realize then that it’s Cameron who is talking. My vision is blurry with tears, and though I try and shove up off the floor, I’m weak. So damn weak and broken.
“Strip club. I’m going to fuck her memory right out of me. Fuck every chick in sight and remind myself why she never mattered. Remind myself why I never should’ve given a fuck about her.” He spits the words at me, and I feel each one clinging to my skin as if he really had spit on me.
“Warren,” Cameron warns, and I can hear the sadness in his voice.
“Shut up. Take me, or I’ll drive myself,” Warren orders. The last thing I hear is his footsteps as he walks away from me. I thought he loved me. I thought he’d understand. I sob on to the wood floor, hating myself, and him, but hating him more because of his words.
Go get an abortion. The way he said them, the way they felt. No amount of showering or soap will ever make the stain he’s left on me disappear. Even if I don’t want to love Warren, or care for him ever again, I’ll never be able to forget. He’s taken my heart, shattered it into a million pieces, and shoved it back into my chest. I’m not sure anyone could forget someone doing that to them.
19
Warren
Half stumbling over my own two feet, I make it inside Night Shift. My head is already swimming with alcohol, but I feel like I need more… much more. I don’t want to think about what Harper said to me, and I definitely don’t want to think about what I said to her.
“You sure you don’t want to go back home?” Cameron asks.
“No, I want to be here,” I tell him as we walk up to the bar. “And I want to get shit-faced. So, either join me or get the fuck away from me.”
“You know I love this place, and I kinda like you… I don’t know why either since you’re a fucking asshole.” He pauses. “But I better stay and make sure you don’t get into too much trouble. Easton and I don’t want to deal with your parents if you go missing.”
Psh, I’m sure that’s why he stays.
“Hi, there,” some chick behind the bar greets me. Leaning over, she puts her elbow on the bartop, giving me a prime view of her tits. “What can I get for you?”
“I’d like to suck on your tits,” I confess, making her giggle as if she is shy. I know otherwise because she keeps pushing her chest up to give me an even better view. Bitch loves the attention.
“How about we start with a drink first, and then we’ll see if we can get you some tits to suck on?” She licks her lips seductively, and I nod.
“I guess we can do that… give me a long island. More long island, less ice tea.”
“Coming right up. What can I get for you?” She turns her attention to Cameron.
“Beer,” he gives her a short answer, making the chick frown as if she is disappointed. “You’re making a mistake if you ask me.”
“Good thing I’m not asking you.”
Two minutes later, I have my drink in my hand, and the waitress in front of me giving me fuck me eyes. I chug the drink until the glass is more than half empty. The alcohol seemingly going straight into my bloodstream. My mind immediately going hazy.
Something soft touches my arm, and I have to force the memory of Harper’s gentle touch out of my brain. When I turn to see whose hand is on my arm, I find a petite blonde. Not Harper. Her fingers meet my skin, sending lightning bolts of both dread and excitement through my body. I hold on to the latter, and shove the first one down, burying it deep inside my chest.
“How much for a private dance?” I let my gaze trail down her barely dressed body. She’s wearing some lingerie that leaves very little to the imagination. In fact, one of her nipples is actually peeking out on one side. Classy. Then again, who am I to complain? I came here to get wasted and fuck some bitches.
“How long would you like your dance to be?” she asks, trailing her hand up my arm and over my shoulder. Her fingers feel like acid on my skin, but I don’t care… anything to get rid of her memory, of her stupid voice in my fucking head.
“Maybe three or four songs long? Depending on how tight your pussy is.”
The chick’s eyes light up, and not surprised in the least by my proposition. These girls will do anything for money. “For you, three hundred.”
“Perfect! Let’s go then,” I tell her, gesturing with my hands, “lead the way.”
She grabs my hand and starts pulling me away. I almost trip over my feet as I glance back at Cameron one more time. He gives me a disapproving look but is smart enough not to say anything. He doesn’t know what it’s like to be in love and have everything fall apart. He doesn’t know what it’s like to have the woman of your dreams become exactly what your father said she would be. Jokes on her though. I’m going to follow through with my threat this time. I’m going to destroy her, ruin her until she’s nothing, just a speck of dust.
Like a puppy, I follow the blonde to the back hall. She doesn’t walk very fast on her five-inch clear high heels, so I take the time to stare at her ass while I trail behind her. It’s not as full and nice as Harper’s ass, but it will do. Ugh, I really need to get her out of my head. Maybe fucking this chick will help, then again, if it doesn’t, there are plenty more women in this place.
Leading me into a small room, she switches on a dim light before closing the door.
“Sit down, sweetie.” She motions toward the only chair in the room.
“Don’t call me, sweetie,” I growl at her as I take a seat.
“Okay, what would you like me to call you?” she asks while reaching back and undoing her bra. Her tits spring free, bouncing a little as she takes a step toward me. They’re nice, but again, they aren’t Harper’s. The thought infuriates me, and I squeeze the arms on the chair to stop myself from lashing out.
“Don’t call me anything…”
“Okay.” She closes the distance between us and drops down to her knees between my legs. Her fingers flick the button on my jeans, and she is about to take my still flaccid dick out when the door suddenly flies open.
What the fuck?
The girl jumps back, and we both look up at who has come to interrupt us. I swear to god if it’s Cameron… For a split second, all I see is Harper standing in the doorway, but quickly realize it’s Valerie. Sweet, good, Harper would never step foot in a place like this.
“Candy, out!” she yells at the chick on her knees.
“What the hell, Val?” Candy squeals.
“Yeah, what the hell, Val?” I repeat. “Go find someone else’s dick to suck.”
“Warren, I wouldn’t suck your dick if you offered me 10k.” Yeah, right. I bet she’d do it for half of that. “Seriously, Candy. Get out. That’s my cousin’s boyfriend.”
Candy shrugs, “So, everyone in here is someone’s boyfriend. Never stopped you before. Plus, he’s a paying customer… my paying customer.”
Valerie’s gaze turns murderous, “Out!”
Candy jumps again, a trickle of fear in her eyes. Valerie takes a step toward her, fists clenched like she’s ready to throw down. Shit. I want to see this.
“Fine,” Candy throws her hands up in the air. “But you owe me, Val. This is fucked up, and you know it.” She gets up from the floor, taking her bra with her, and leaves the little room. The door slams shut behind her, and Valerie cro
sses her arms in front of her chest, looking like she is about to give me a lecture.
God, please, save me. Harper just told me she might be… I swallow the thought down. Fuck, no. I’m not thinking about that right now.
“I’ll give you five hundred bucks if you don’t say whatever you are about to say and let Candy back in here,” I offer, and I can see Valerie thinking about it. She wants the money, but for once in her life, her conscience wins. Fuck, of course, that has to be now. I’m about to double my offer to see how far this will go when she cuts me off before I even start talking.
“I don’t want your rich boy money. I want to know what the hell is wrong with you? What did Harper ever do to you for you to treat her like this? I’m not the best person to her myself, but fuck, you really top it all. She doesn’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve how you treat her.”
“How I treat her? What about how she treats me?” My anger is growing, becoming harder and harder to ignore. If Valerie wants a fight, then we’ll have one. She doesn’t know all there is to know about Harper.
Valerie rolls her eyes at me. “When did Harper goody shoes ever treat anyone wrong, especially you. She basically worshiped the ground you walked on and even after you pulled that stunt three years ago, she somehow forgave you. Now you fuck up again?”
Unable to sit here and listen to her talk down to me any longer, I shove to my feet. A wave of nausea hits me in the gut, but I ignore it.
“Don’t pretend you don’t know what she did! You must have known,” I accuse her. “Your families are close, there is no way she kept that secret from you.”
Valerie looks at me like I’ve grown a second head, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“The fucking abortion! I know she got it. She told me she wanted to wait to have sex, and then she fucked someone else and got herself pregnant.” Even saying the words out loud hurt. It’s like the pain will never ease, and I suppose it won’t not now that she’s in the same position all over again.
Valerie’s eye go so wide they are basically round now. She shakes her head and covers her gaping mouth with her hand.
“Don’t act so surprised. As if you didn’t know.”
“Oh god, Warren. You think Harper got an abortion? That’s why you sent them away? Why you treated her so badly? Shit, shit, shit! This is all my fault.” Valerie starts crying, and that’s when I really can’t handle this anymore.
“Fuck this,” I say, pushing past her. I need some air, I can’t fucking breathe in here. Everything is happening so fast, and it feels like I’m reliving that day all over again. Moving to stand in front of me, Valerie blocks my exit.
“Warren, I got the abortion, me.” Valerie points at her chest. I stare down at her, trying to comprehend what she just said. “I used Harper’s insurance because I didn’t have any, and we looked so much alike on our ID’s, so…” Valerie continues rambling on, but all the other words fade to the background when the truth is revealed.
“You… you got the abortion… not Harper?”
She nods, “Me. I got the abortion. God, Warren, Harper was still a virgin when she came here. She never cheated, never got pregnant, she never did anything wrong.” I can feel the guilt in her words and see it on her face, but it’s nothing compared to the agony, the pure hate I have for myself. My own personal guilt that engulfs my body.
Even with all the alcohol coursing through my veins, I feel as sober as a motherfucker, Valerie’s confession shining a light on one of the darkest days of my life.
“Fuck. I fucked up.” I tug at my hair in frustration. “Harper told me she might be pregnant, and I told her to get an abortion. I was so fucking angry and upset over our past, and my father pressuring me and talking shit about her.” Stupid. I’m so fucking stupid. If I could kick myself in the head right now, I would. Someone should kick my ass for me.
“Warren,” Valerie scolds, “you’re a fucking asshole. Leave, go find her, apologize, grovel, do whatever you have to do, but make it right.”
It hits me then. A knife slices through my heart, cutting the tender muscle, each thump hurts a little more than the next as I realize I may have lost her forever. “I don’t know if I can fix this, Val. I don’t know if there is any coming back from the things that I’ve done.”
Valerie’s hand comes out of nowhere and lands heavily on my cheek. My face turns to the side, the sting of her palm is like ice water pouring down on me. “Snap out of it. Go and find her and fix this. She loves you and I know you love her. Make things right, because after what you just told me, I won’t be able to face her again unless you do.”
I nod, knowing what I have to do.
It was all a lie.
The abortion.
The cheating.
I’ve broken her heart twice now and done some horrible things to her. I want to fall to my knees and pray that she listens to me when I tell her it was all a misunderstanding, but if I were her, I wouldn’t ever forgive me. I don’t deserve her, after everything I’ve said and done, I deserve her hate, and yet, my heart beats only for her.
Maybe she can forgive me, but forgetting all the things I’ve done and said to her…
No, no one could do that.
20
Harper
My one suitcase sits fully packed in front of me as I wait at the bus terminal to go back to my parents’ house.
I wish I had another place to go, somewhere else to run to, but there is nowhere. I need to go home and explain to them how I managed to throw my entire life away. Every chance of a successful career, gone. How am I going to go to college now? No money, no home, and now a child to take care of? I can’t even take care of myself. This is… a nightmare, a true, living one.
How could I have been so stupid? How could I have trusted him again? How could I get pregnant by a monster?
Why don’t you get an abortion?
His words hurt more than anything else. What would compel him to say something like that? Warren can be a horrible person, vicious and mean, but never did I think he would say something so dark and cruel.
Especially not about something that is half his, and part of both of us. What would make him ever think I would get an abortion and kill a life that belongs to us.
The sound of the bus approaching fills the streets, and I turn my head to see it heading toward me. Getting on my feet, I pull out the handle on my suitcase, so I can pull it behind me. I take about two steps toward the curb when I hear someone calling my name.
What the—
“Harper!”
I twist around to find Warren running down the sidewalk, his arms raised, his hands waving back and forth as he tries to get my attention. Bitter anger pulses through my veins. Shaking my head, I turn back and start walking to the approaching bus. It’s too late. I can’t and won’t talk to him. Maybe someday, but not today.
“Harper,” he yells again just as the bus stops, its doors opening. I’m about to step on, but my foot has barely left the ground when someone pulls me back. I try to shrug him off, but his hands are firm on my shoulders. I can feel myself melting into his touch. I want to give in, to let myself fall for anything and everything he says, but he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t want me. It was all a mistake.
“Please, just let me explain. I’m so sorry, I fucked up. I thought you cheated on me and got pregnant by someone else.” He pants.
Turning to face him, I can’t hide my anger and sadness from him. His eyes are bloodshot, and though he smells like a liquor cabinet that’s been spilled over, he seems sober. “Are you fucking serious right now? When the hell was I supposed to be with someone else? We’ve been together day and night for the last few weeks.”
Warren shakes his head, his chest is rising and falling so fast I worry he might be having a heart attack, “Not now, then… three years ago. I saw the doctor’s bill with your name on it. It said abortion, and I thought…” I try to digest what he’s saying, but I’m too angry, too sad, my give a shit
is busted. Nothing can change what we’ve become.
“You thought I cheated on you and got an abortion? What is wrong with you? Do you know me at all? Why didn’t you come talk to me? Why did you believe it in the first place? You should know that I would never do anything like that! I loved you, and you treated me like I was nothing to you time and time again.” The words pour out of me. I struggle to take a breath in between.
“I’m sorry…” The words fall from his lips with ease, and I can see the guilt and shame in his features, and still, I don’t care.
“I’m sorry is not good enough. This is not something I can just forgive. I can’t forget the words you said to me earlier, and I don’t know if I ever will. I would never get an abortion, but don’t worry, you don’t have to be a part of our lives. I don’t want your money, and I certainly don’t want you.”
He staggers back like I just hit him in the face. “You don’t want me?” He blinks as if he’s unsure of what I just said.
Swallowing down the pain in my chest, and the thousand and one other emotions, I nod. “Right now, no, and maybe not ever. You had your chance, and you destroyed me, us. You took something beautiful and ruined it.”
“I’m sorry, Harper. I’m so sorry. There is nothing I can say, nothing I can do. I can’t take back the things I did. I can’t rewind time. If I could, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would right all my wrongs. I would erase all the pain I caused you, everything I did to us.”
Well, you can’t...I almost say, tears stinging my eyes. It’s time to end this for good. Time for me to let go. I’ve held onto him, and this thought that he would be mine forever for far too long. It was nothing more than a fairytale wish. Warren isn’t a prince. I’m not a princess. And this isn’t a fairytale. It’s a nightmare, and I need to wake up. I’m going to save myself from it.
“My bus is leaving, I need to go,” I tell him, grabbing onto the handle of my suitcase a little tighter.
