by Jenny Wood
When his eyes fluttered open sometime later, I wanted with everything in me to be the first thing he saw when he woke up, every morning. That’s where I was at, sappy or not; too quickly or not, I didn’t care. I felt like I was given a chance and I wasn’t going to waste it. Color me surprised when he leaned forward and kissed me; not a timid kiss, he plastered his body to mine and plundered my mouth. I went from zero to sixty in seconds. Of course, I didn’t want to hurt him but I was quickly losing control. Instead of mounting him and risk hurting him, I worked his body over, slowly and methodically. I rubbed him from top to toe, licking, sucking and nipping at his flesh with my teeth. Listening to him cry out and arch his body for me was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.
I took my time, loving on him, stretching him, tasting him, swallowing him. I wanted him to feel the words that I couldn’t say. When I finally slid into him, it was immediately different; not because I didn’t wear a condom and holy fuck, I didn’t wear a condom- but, it was more. No, not just more, it was everything.
His eyes when he looked at me with such wonder made me feel eleven feet tall. The tears that escaped his eyes, the ones I kissed away meant everything to me. Nobody had ever given themselves to me like he right then was. I would cherish it, for the rest of my life. I’d never forget this night, it was perfect. Falling asleep with him in my arms calmed me, it felt right, necessary somehow. I’d do my best to make sure it happened again and again and again.
I woke up to a cold and empty bed. The sun was shining but just barely so I couldn’t imagine Morgan being up already, still; I looked to the bathroom and saw the door open and the light off; he must be in the kitchen. Quickly throwing on my t-shirt from last night and rummaging through my dresser drawer for some basketball shorts, I pull them on and go in search of my guy. I wish I would’ve woken up with him in my arms, but, I’d settle for seeing his beautiful face right this second.
Look at me, waxing poetic about my boyfriend the morning after making love to him. Kayson would have a field day with that one. Speaking of, I needed my phone to see when they were going to be home today, I still needed to decorate and go pick up a cake. I’d be okay getting one of those premade ones and just asking the deli to write “Welcome Home” or something on it. It’d be enough for our little gathering.
Walking out into the kitchen, I don’t see Morgan anywhere, I look in the living room, outside in the truck and then every other room in the house. He’s not outside, his clothes are gone and even his phone isn’t sitting on the counter next to mine where he’d sat it last night when we walked in.
I go to Jody’s room and pound on his door. He’s already dressed and holding a cup of coffee. He takes one look at me and sighs. “He’s gone.” He says, shocking the shit out of me just then.
“He’s gone? Why?” I ask, flabbergasted. “Where did he go? What happened? Was he okay? Why didn’t you wake me up?” I demand to know.
“I fucked up.” He says regretfully.
“What do you mean you fucked up?” I ask, borderline panicking.
“Come on, I need coffee, so do you.” He mumbles, walking passed me to the kitchen. I almost tackle him, he’s being so fucking dismissive right now and all I want to know is where Morgan went and why he left.
“Did he go home? I’ll just go there.” I mention. Stopping in the kitchen when I see his face. He hands me a cup of coffee and pours one for himself.
“He’s sick.” Jody says, no preamble. My body jerks like he’s electrocuted me. That wasn’t what I expected from him just then.
“Yeah.” I say honestly. No sense in hiding it.
“How sick?” He wonders.
“Cancer, sick.” I tell him. Waiting to see what this has to do with any fucking thing at all.
“I might’ve brought that up last night. Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks.
“Because it’s none of your fucking business.” I halfway yell. “What did you say to him?”
“I asked if he thought it was fair.” He answers quietly; looking around the kitchen a little lost.
“If what was fair?” I ask, deceptively calm.
“I don’t know man.” He explodes. “I saw the way you looked at him, calling him baby and smiling like a fucking lunatic all week. You love him. Right?” He asks, not caring about my answer. “Man, you think you love him and he has cancer, how is this going to end anything but badly for you?” He wants to know. I can feel my breathing getting choppy, my chest hurts and for the first time in a long time, I think I might cry and that pisses me off. I didn’t cry when we lost mom, because we knew she’d been suffering for a good little bit and then she wasn’t anymore, so I felt relief for her. Sadness for me, but relief for her. This? This wasn’t something I could feel good about. Good or bad, he was right. I cared about Morgan a lot, I maybe even loved him but what I absolutely knew for certain right then, was that I was gonna kick his fucking ass if he hurt Morgan.
“How bad do you think this could end for him?” I asked Jody, making his body jerk like mine did in surprise.
“I said I fucked up. I know that.” He says, like it’ll make it all better. “I’m sorry.”
“I bring him here to meet my family because he’s someone that I care a lot about and you what? Run him off because he might die?” I say, nastily. He flinches again and looks away.
“I’m sorry, I was just worried about you and I only asked a question. I didn’t think it was unreasonable to want to know.” He defends himself.
“For me to want to know. Not you.” I point out.
I pull my phone out and dial his number. It goes directly to voicemail, I hang up and try again; same thing. The third time I leave a message. “Baby, please call me back, we have a party to decorate for today, remember?” I try for light, hoping that he’ll see nothing’s changed…. Nothing except, every fucking thing. Last night cemented things for me, he was mine before, I wanted him, that didn’t change, but now he belonged to me. He was mine, now. He was mine and I was his, I’d gladly belong to him; to nobody but him for the rest of my life, no matter how long we had together.
“Go get him. I’ll decorate.” Jody says. I go to my room to throw some clothes on, I don’t even match. I don’t care, I’m out the door in minutes. I jump in the truck and make it to his house before nine o’clock, hopefully he’s awake. I knock on the door and wait; listening for the sounds of anyone behind the door, inside. I don’t hear anything. I knock a little louder, waiting impatiently for any sign of him at all. I’m worried. Short of breaking the door down, there’s not much I can do. I call again, straight to voicemail. I start knocking again, louder this time when my phone rings in my hand. It’s Kayson.
“Hello?” I say in greeting.
“Hey, man, we just saw the doctor, we’ll be home around two. They want another chest x-ray first to make sure all is clear and then we’ll be home.” He says.
“That’s great, we’ll all be there.” I tell him, happy that Conner is finally okay enough to come home. It was a scary time for my brother and I’m glad it’s worked out.
“Great, we’ll see ya soon then.” He says before hanging up. I wait around for a couple more minutes before deciding he’s either not home or he’s just ignoring me.
“I’m not giving up, Morgan, I’m not giving up!” I say through the door, louder than normal but not yelling. I hope he heard me and I hope he believes me. I get back in the truck and stop at the bakery. They have sheet cakes, large enough to feed half the town, so I order a medium one, half chocolate, half vanilla and get a gallon tub of swirl ice cream. The woman was nice enough to write “Welcome Home Conner” on it and didn’t even charge me for the extra. Not that I would’ve minded but it was a nice gesture.
When I get back home, Jody is disappointed to see me without Morgan. He doesn’t say anything as I walk through the now decorated living room and kitchen and head to my room. I need a shower and to put on matching clothes acceptable for a party. I text everyone to be here at 2 and p
lug my phone up to charge.
After I’ve showered and dressed, I sit back on the bed with my phone; wondering how I’m going to word what I say. Dialing his number, it of course, goes to voicemail.
“Hey.” I said quietly, “I talked to Jody, he’s sorry about what he said or implied or whatever; but I don’t care about any of it. I don’t care if it’s fair or not, I don’t care if we have one day together or one lifetime. I just want you with me. Please don’t shut me out, okay? Just don’t. Please call me back.” I pleaded and reluctantly hung up. I hope he actually listens to it.
True to his word, Conner and Kayson get home just a little after two-o’clock. Conner was moving slow, but he seemed to be in good spirits; especially after seeing his reception. I thought he was going to cry when he walked in, touched by the enormous welcome of the family. He didn’t even notice them at first, he only had eyes for Pickles. We all laughed after he cooed at her for a minute and then noticed the welcome wagon of the rest of us. He blushed, making Kayson tug him to his body and kiss him without hesitation. He looked ecstatic to have him there. I could relate, I’d felt the same yesterday when I’d brought Morgan home. I was pissed and worried in equal measure. Pissed because he took off like he did; pissed at Jody for opening his fucking mouth and worried because I didn’t know how he was or what he was thinking when he left. I’d tried and tried to call back, off and on all day, his phone stayed off.
“It’s me again, I’m going to fill up your voicemail box if you aren’t careful. You’re making me feel like a crazy person.” I tried to joke in the tenth message I’ve left that day. “If I thought for a second baby, that you didn’t want anything to do with me, I’d leave you alone.” I say. “I don’t think that’s what you want though, and I know it’s not what I want. Please call me back, I want to talk to you. I miss you, already.” I whisper just before I get cut off by the beep.
This is ridiculous and it pisses me off that he’s just ignoring me like he is. That’s immature and selfish and I don’t know what to do. Leave it and try again tomorrow? I mean, what?
I got back to the living room where Kayson, Conner, Debbie and Jody are sitting comfortably talking.
“Hey, I thought you had someone for us to meet.” Kayson says as I walk into the room.
“I did; he couldn’t make it.” I almost growl, shooting a look to Jody. He has the good grace to look guilty at least.
“So, tell us about him? Who is he? Where’d you meet him? Is it serious?” Kayson taunts me, much like I did him when I first found realized he was interested in Conner. Normally, I’d go along with it but I can’t bring myself to feel anything but shitty right now.
“His name is Morgan, he’s a painter and I don’t think I’ll see him again. The end.” I sigh, heavily; head pounding behind my eyes. I just want to go to bed and forget this fucked up day.
“Why not?” Conner asks.
“Why not, what?” I reply; not following the flow of my own conversation.
“Why won’t you see him again?” Kayson asks. How do I explain it to them? The whole thing, not just Jody warning him off like a dick.
“He’s sick. Has a brain tumor.” I laid it out. “I met him because I went home with his boyfriend and Morgan walked in on us together. We were asleep, we’d only messed around but still, it was a fucked up situation. I felt guilty, so I went back the next day to, I dunno, apologize and tell him that I didn’t know his boyfriend was a cunt; he invited me for tea and we talked. Then, I ran into him at the store with Kady and he looked sick so I went to check on him. We’ve been hanging out.” I look at all of their shocked faces. “He’s alone,” I tell them. “Not just, alone here in town, he’s alone in fucking life. He was orphaned as a baby, lost the only one foster parent that gave a shit about him and then found out his boyfriend of the last two years was taggin’ random dudes on the side because to Morgan, cancer was a bigger priority than stroking some bitch’s ego.” I wanted to throw something, fuck something up. I didn’t care.
“I’m going for a run.” I say, hopping up and running to my room for my running gear. I changed into shorts and a t-shirt, tied up my sneakers and came face to face with Kayson when I opened my door.
“You want to talk about it?” Kayson asks, gently.
“Nothing to talk about.” I say, passing him to grab a bottled water.
“That’s not true and you know it. Talk to me.” He tries again.
“What do you want me to say?” I ask, defensively.
“The truth. You love this kid?” He asks.
“I could, yeah. I care a lot about him” I say. “No, I’m crazy as fuck about him. I can’t stop thinking about him and I’m worried. I’m worried because he’s sick and alone and now he’s ignoring me.”
“So what are you going to do about it?” He asks. Like it’s that fucking easy.
“I’ve called more times than I care to admit; I’m borderline harassing him and I went to his house, he wouldn’t answer the door.” I deflate. Kayson doesn’t, he gives me an idea.
“Guess you’ll have to try again tomorrow.”
Chapter 14: Morgan
I barely slept at all last night; tossing and turning, not being able to get comfortable. I couldn’t stop thinking about Kingsley and I’d made the mistake last night of turning on my phone, checking my messages. I had to, I had to see if Sarah had called about the exhibit. She hadn’t, so I called and left her a message to e-mail me instead. I also emailed her pictures of the picture I was thinking of showing; we’ll see what she said.
Kingsley’s messages were a special kind of hell; I wanted to hear his voice without hearing his words, but it was impossible. I heard him telling me he missed me and begging me to call him back. I wanted to, I wanted to forget everything Jody brought to the forefront of my mind and ignore the fact that the foreseeable future with me wasn’t promised. I knew Kingsley was worried about me and maybe it was wrong of me to not answer; I just didn’t think I was strong enough. I should call him and tell him that I’m okay; I hate that he’s probably worried.
Deciding to suck it up and be an adult, I dial his number and listen to it ring and ring and ring. His voicemail picks up and I leave a message. “Hey” I start, “I just wanted to tell you that I was okay and I appreciate you calling. I think, for now it’d be best if maybe we didn’t talk until maybe after my surgery, I don’t know…” I cut myself off, choked up just saying the words. “I think maybe it’d be best, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Kingsley.” I was crying when I hung up. Gosh, I couldn’t even get through a voicemail, how was I going to get through the next few weeks? I needed to get ready for my appointment this morning, I had treatment today. While it’s true that the process itself doesn’t take long at all, the waiting does. I’m usually there for a good hour or so before I get called back, then they have to get the machine ready for me specifically, which is all kinds of fun; then they put the thing over my face and slide me in the machine where I have to lie completely still for fifteen to twenty minutes. Normally because I’m claustrophobic, they give me a mild sedative so I won’t freak out. I lay in a chemo chair and rest until I’m able to go home. Normally, within two hours of radiation, I get sick. We know how that goes. So, I wasn’t looking forward to today, still… it had to be done.
Getting a cab to the hospital made more sense on treatment days, I knew I wouldn’t feel like driving myself home and the sedative would probably make that pretty dangerous. Still, I had on my comfortable clothes and I’d brought a heavy hoodie to wrap up in. I was always so cold afterwards too. After checking in, I sat in the uncomfortably hard chairs and pulled my kindle out of the front pocket of my hoodie; maybe one of the thousands of books would help pass the time. I hadn’t sat here for very long, people spread out, also waiting for the same machine that I was waiting on when I feel someone sit next to me. I don’t glance their way because that usually opened up an invitation to conversation and I just didn’t feel like talking right now.
“I’m mad at you.” He said. I wanted to weep. That perfect voice that I’d wanted to hear so badly was sitting right next to me. How had I forgotten that I told him he could be here today?
“Seriously mad at you.” He says for emphasis. I chance a look at him and he looks exhausted, exhausted and worried but surprisingly, not mad.
I’m sorry.” I whimper back. I couldn’t control it, it’s all that came out.
“You should be; I worried myself sick.” He says softly, no heat behind his words. He grabs my hand that’s not clutching my kindle and laced our fingers together. It’s only been one day since I’ve seen him, how can I have missed him so much?
“Your hands are freezing.” He whispers.
“I missed you.” I blurted on a whisper of my own. His eyes close at my admission.
“I miss you too, baby. So much.” He leans forward in front of all these people in this waiting room and kisses me. It’s soft and sweet, nowhere near obscene, so no one should have a problem with it; but still, Stephen would have never displayed affection more than a quick hug or a handshake in public. Kingsley couldn’t be bothered with anyone else, he was only looking at me.
“Did you get my messages?” He asks. I nod my affirmative. I’d listened to each one several times, though I didn’t tell him that.
“Please don’t push me away.” He asks, so sincerely.
“I feel like you don’t know what you’re asking.” I say. “Things aren’t going to be easy.”
“The things that are worth it, never are.” He says. I roll my eyes at his stubbornness, I have a feeling he’s going to have an answer for everything.
