white missionary: Can you not see that I have reached my limit! / My joints are stiff, my —
black girl: This is the last question I’ll ever ask you.
white missionary: It may very well be the last one I ever respond to!
black girl: But I need to find God; I need to know what gopher wood is and why Esau would give up his birthright for stew; / was he really that hungry —
white missionary: All right all right, just shut up and give me your happy birthday Bible.
The black girl passes the white missionary her Bible. The white missionary fumbles through it.
Here. Matthew chapter seven verse seven.
black girl: Who’s Matthew?
The white missionary can barely go on.
white missionary: It’s hard to get out of Genesis with all your questions.
The black girl reads.
black girl: “Seek and ye shall find — ”
white missionary: him. So, go seek, and ye shall find him.
black girl: That’s it? That’s how I find God.
The white missionary is just about down for the count.
white missionary: That’s what it says, and if you can’t take God’s word, whose can you? Now go . . . please.
The black girl sticks the Bible under her arm and heads off. The white missionary continues to pack but it’s hard because she’s like half-dead now.
Scene 2
The black girl flips through her Bible as she searches for God.
A rustle behind some bushes (or a tree, or a rock . . . or whatever you decide the “Darkest African forest” looks like) startles the black girl and she plunges her Bible in. A black mamba gripping a rod slithers out of wherever you’ve decided. The black girl screams.
black mamba: Ugh! I think you broke my jaw.
black girl: I heard a noise and thought —
black mamba: That you’d attack a poor black mamba snake tryin’ tuh rest her tired tail. That’s no way to treat a fellow vertebrate!
black girl: Sorry.
black mamba: Don’t be. Just leave before you meet a less lethargic snake.
black girl: But that’s why I’m here. I wanna know why God gave you the will to kill me, and the venom to do it with. / Like, why put a bag of poison in your mouth when other snakes are fine without it —
black mamba: No no no. Shhhhhshhhhhshhhh.
Keep your voice down or they’ll hear you.
black girl: Who?
black mamba: There are a lot of old-ass men pretending to be gods in this forest.
black girl: Really?
black mamba: They have all the “divine credentials.” White skin, grey beards, nightshirts and staffs.
black girl: But then how am I gonna know who the true God is?
black mamba: Forget about the true God and go. This forest is dangerous and you’ve got no protection.
black girl: My Bible worked well enough on you.
black mamba: You’re gonna need more than a book to stop what’s beyond those trees.
black girl: You’re lying.
black mamba: Why would I / lie?
black girl: Eve was tempted by a serpent like you.
black mamba: “Serpent,” ugh, you humans are so poetic.
black girl: you’re why women cry out in pain when they’re giving birth.
black mamba: You all cry out because you’re weak. Try laying twenty-four eggs / in twenty-four hours —
black girl: and that’s why you slither around on your belly. It’s God’s punishment for what your kind did to Eve.
black mamba: My kind didn’t do anything!
black girl: I just read it in my happy birthday Bible.
The black girl flips through the Bible looking for the passage.
black mamba: Eve’s the one who chose to eat off the tree — / You know, I’m sick of the rap we get in the Bible. / If we’re not poisoning, we’re plaguing and spitting fire. / If we’re lucky, all we gotta do is get turned into a rod and back again to prove God’s existence to unbelievers. / Sorry but i am done. / That’s why I carry this rod. I’m not gonna let this be a symbol of oppression any longer. / I’m taking back the power because I am sick of being a metaphor!
black girl: (mumbling to herself) In the beginning . . .
(mumbling to herself) Let there be light . . .
(mumbling to herself) God formed man of the dust . . .
(mumbling to herself) Lord God planted a garden . . .
(mumbling to herself) Flesh of my flesh . . .
(mumbling to herself) And the woman said unto the serpent . . .
Here it is! God said, / “Upon thy belly shalt thou go and dust shalt thou eat / all the days of thy life.”
black mamba, with her fingers in her ears and her eyes closed, tries to block out the black girl. She cuts out when the lord of hosts and the almighty cut in.
black mamba: La la la la la la la —
A mixture of wrestling and arguing quickly approaches.
the lord of hosts & the almighty: (off stage) She’s calling me! You, what would she want with you! / Out of my way! Take thine hands off of me! How dare you!
Continue ad libbing until the lord of hosts enters.
black mamba: Oh no.
black girl: What?
black mamba: They’re coming.
black girl: Who?
black mamba: The “gods”!
black mamba tries to make a break for it but the black girl stops her.
black girl: Where are you going?
black mamba: As far away as I can get; you should do the same.
black girl: But what if one of them is the true God I seek?
black mamba gives the black girl her rod.
black mamba: Here. Take it.
black girl: You sure?
black mamba: Snakes around here are always gettin’ turned into rods. I’ll find another lying around someplace.
black mamba takes off, but she runs right into the lord of hosts, who stabs her to death with his already bloodied staff.
Ugh —
black mamba falls to the ground.
black girl: Why did you scotch that poor black mamba?
the lord of hosts: Thou darest call for the Lord of Hosts and then question his actions? Kneel down and worship me this very instant or dread my wrath.
The black girl stays standing.
Didst thou not hearest me say that I am the Lord of Hosts! I made the heavens and the earth and all that is in them, so go forth and bring me your favourite child. Slay it here before me as a sacrifice, for I loveth the smell of newly spilled blood!
black girl: Sorry but I don’t have any kids.
the lord of hosts: Then fetch thy father and let him slay thee.
black girl: Got no father.
the lord of hosts: Then see that thy relatives bring plenty of rams and goats and sheep to roast before me as offerings to propitiate me, or I shall certainly smite thee with the most horrible plagues, so that thou mayest know that i am god!
black girl: Got no relatives either.
the lord of hosts: What?!
black girl: Everyone I know is dead or has left me.
the lord of hosts: Everyone?
black girl: Yeah, now that you’ve scotched that poor black mamba.
the lord of hosts: The snake! Yes! Giveth it unto me.
black girl does nothing.
Bring forth the serpent!
Still nothing. the lord of hosts sighs.
Offer it as a sacrifice, then thou mayest ask the Lord of Hosts anything thou likest.
black girl: No.
the lord of hosts: no?!
black girl: You’re not the god I’m in
search of, and in the name of the true God I seek, I’m gonna scotch you like you scotched that poor black mamba.
The black girl raises her rod and the lord of hosts raises his staff. Game on.
the lord of hosts: Thou shalt not! For I shall scotch thee first, thou little —
the almighty emerges out of the forest with blood trickling down his brow. He tackles the lord of hosts.
the almighty: Got you!
the lord of hosts: Get thy hands off of me, / for I am the Lord of Hosts —
the almighty: You’ll have to excuse my friend / here —
the lord of hosts recovers slightly.
the lord of hosts: Mine own hand hath made the poison in that snake, / the milk in thy mother’s breast —
the almighty regains the upper hand but the lord of hosts is not giving up. He’s still trying to pound the almighty with his staff.
the almighty: Don’t mind him. How can I help you?
black girl: I’m in search of God.
the almighty: Well look no further / because you have found him —
the lord of hosts: In mine hands are death and all the diseases, / the thunder and lightning —
the almighty: Ignore this cruel imposter. I am the reasonable God you seek. I do nothing worse than argue. / I invite you to reproach me and find fault with me —
the lord of hosts: — the storm and the pestilence, and all the other proofs of mine own greatness / and majesty —
the almighty: Throw something in my teeth so that I can argue about it.
the lord of hosts: I shall throw something / in-eth your teeth!
the almighty: Would you be so kind as to let me borrow that rod / of yours?
The black girl hands over the rod.
the lord of hosts: Bow down and creepeth before me, for I am the Lord of Hosts! I am the Lord of —
the almighty knocks the lord of hosts out and hands the black girl her rod back.
the almighty: As I was saying, I am not a cruel God. I am the Almighty and I do nothing worse than argue, so don’t spare my feelings. Ask me anything you like.
black girl: All right . . . God. Did you make the world?
the almighty: Of course I did.
black girl: Why’d you put so much evil in it?
the almighty: Splendid! You are a clever and intelligent girl. I had a servant named Job once to argue with, but he was so modest and stupid that I had to shower the most frightful misfortunes on him before I could provoke him to complain —
black girl: I’m not complaining, I just wanna know why, if you really made the world, you made it so badly.
the almighty: Badly? Wow! Do you realize, you ridiculous little insect, that I not only made the whale, but made the sea for him to swim in? The whole mighty ocean, down to its bottomless depths and up to the top of the skies. You think that was easy, I suppose. You think you could do it better yourself. I tell you what, you couldn’t make a pond . . . and you dare talk to me, the maker of the seven seas. You will be ugly and old and dead in fifty years, while my majesty will endure forever.
Pause for dramatic effect.
What have you to say to that argument?
black girl: I don’t think you know what an argument is.
the almighty: I, who put down Job, as all the world admits, not know what an argument is! I simply laugh at you, child.
The black girl opens her mouth to speak but the almighty cuts her off.
Ha!
The black girl opens her mouth to speak again but the almighty cuts her off again.
Ha ha!
The black girl opens her mouth to speak once again but the almighty cuts her off yet again.
Ha ha ha —
black girl: Laugh all you want. I just wanna know why you didn’t make the world all good instead of a mix of good and bad.
the lord of hosts begins to stir.
the almighty: Why should I?
black girl: Why shouldn’t you?
the almighty: Asking conundrums is not playing the game.
black girl: I don’t wanna play the game. I want you to answer my questions.
More stirring from the lord of hosts.
the almighty: You are just like Job. When at last I got him arguing, he thought a lot of himself too. But I soon showed him up. And I will do the same to —
the lord of hosts jumps up and tackles the almighty. They fight.
the lord of hosts: ahhhhhhhhh! Lookest not to this deceptive horror. He only wants you to argue with him so that he might sneer at thine own weakness / and ignorance —
the almighty: It is him you should not listen to! He only wants you to roast animals for him because he loves the smell of cooking!
the lord of hosts: Thou speakest as if thou hast never requested a sacrifice —
micah the Morasthite enters preaching.
micah: People! People!
Hear all, ye people!
the lord of hosts and the almighty stop fighting and cover their ears.
the lord of hosts: Nay, not again.
black girl: Who’s that?
the almighty: A madman —
micah: Hearken, O earth!
Behold all ye people!
the lord of hosts: — who goeth about stripped and naked —
the almighty: — wailing like the dragons —
the lord of hosts: — and mourning like the owls.
micah: People O the earth!
I am the prophet they call Micah the Morasthite.
the lord of hosts: A minor prophet.
micah: (to the black girl) Do not listen to these selfish imitators,
These these these hateful violators.
They do not care about the devotion of your soul.
No, no they play a much more sinister role.
the almighty: (to the black girl) Ignore him and he’ll go away.
micah: They are like the rich and greedy.
They love nothing more than to ravage the needy.
But instead of overfilling their coffers with gold and coins,
They pile their altars high, with burnt calves, and first-born loins.
the lord of hosts lunges for micah but the almighty holds him back.
the lord of hosts: How dare thee? Who / dost thou thinkest thou art —
the almighty: Calm down. You know how he gets.
micah: But God is not pleased with thousands of rams or rivers of oil.
God doesn’t want to see you inflicted with boil after boil. /
All he wants is for you to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with him.
the almighty gasps. It’s the lord of hosts’s turn to hold the almighty back.
black girl: That sounds like a lot to me.
the lord of hosts & the almighty: Oooooooh.
black girl: I’m all for doing justice and showing mercy, but it’s pretty hard to show mercy and justice to people who don’t show it to you.
the lord of hosts: Indeed.
the almighty: I’m starting to like this girl.
micah: You can at least walk humbly with God, can’t you?
black girl: Depends where we’re walking to.
the lord of hosts & the almighty: Mmmmhmmm.
micah: (to the black girl) Walk humbly and God will guide you.
black girl: Where?
micah: What do you care where he is leading you? he who can make mountains molten; he who can cleave valleys like wax before the fire —
black girl: he gave me my very own eyes and mind. Why give me these things if I’m not supposed see or think for myself?
the almighty: Hear, hear!
the lord of hosts: Thou makest a go
od point.
black girl: Thank you.
the almighty: You build a skilled argument.
the lord of hosts: and thy points verily compasseth —
micah: You should not take praise from those that devise iniquity, and work evil upon their beds!
They will pluck the skin and flesh from your bones.
Then break and chop until you are ready for the pot!
the lord of hosts: How dare thee! I am the lord of hosts!
the almighty: Calm down.
the lord of hosts: Wilt thou not quit telling me to calm / down —
the almighty: (to the black girl) Is it any surprise he flooded the earth?
the lord of hosts: (to the black girl) Teeming was the world with corruption and violence, thus / the destruction of it wast —
the almighty: Perhaps you should try reason and discussion, like me.
(to the black girl) Speaking of which, why don’t we continue our earlier conversation that was so rudely interrupted.
black girl: I don’t / know if —
micah: You’re the one who interrupted me!
the almighty: I was here before you.
the lord of hosts: And I before thee.
the almighty: Only because you tripped and hit me with your staff.
(to black girl) Now, where were we?
black girl: Well —
micah: (to the black girl) He pretends to be reasonable but he’s just like the other one.
the almighty: You take that back!
micah: (to the black girl) Did you know that he let Satan smite Job with boils from foot to crown!
black girl: What’s smite mean —
micah: Poor man couldn’t even sit down.
the almighty: (to the black girl) That was one guy. (referring to the lord of hosts) he flooded the earth for forty days and forty nights!
the lord of hosts: (to the black girl) But I inventedeth rainbows.
the almighty: (to the black girl) And I gave Job everything back twofold.
micah: But only one hundred and forty years to enjoy it.
the almighty: Do you really think she’s going to listen to a minor prophet with five chapters?
micah: I’ve got more than five chapters in the Bible!
The black girl opens the Bible and starts in on some fact-checking.
Up the Garden Path & The Adventures of the Black Girl in Her Search for God Page 9
