“Do you really?”
“I do. But the Lochridges aren’t going to think it’s wonderful. You should be prepared for trouble out of them.”
“I expect problems, but this is my life and I want Lou in it. They’re going to have to accept her.”
And fuck them if they don’t.
That’s what I have to say about that.
41
Caitriona Louden
Standing in front of the bathroom mirror, I look at myself. And I grasp the reality of the situation for what it is. I look like hell.
Rachel will be here soon. I don’t want her to see me looking as though I’m knocking on death’s door so I dab concealer on the dark circles below my lower lids. The cover-up helps to camouflage my lack of sleep, but no amount of makeup is going to hide the sadness in my eyes or my sunken cheeks.
I don’t have to get on the scale to confirm that I’ve lost weight. The clothes I bought two weeks ago are falling off of me. And I don’t see that improving anytime soon. I can’t eat because my gut is in knots all of the time.
Rachel has brought my favorite foods by every night this week. I’ve forced down a few bites each time to make her happy, but anything more sends me dashing toward the bathroom. And tonight is no different.
“Three bites of a sandwich aren’t enough. You need to eat more.”
I love that Rachel is here looking after me. And I want to eat for her. But I can’t.
“Believe me, I would if I could but it makes me sick. It’s better to keep the three bites down than push myself and throw all of it up.”
Rachel looks up from her plate, studying me. “Is there any chance that you could be pregnant?”
“No way. I’m on the pill.”
“People get pregnant on the pill, Cait.”
Hutch and I were having sex without condoms. A lot. I don’t have a clue how many times he came inside me the last week we spent together. But I don’t think a pregnancy is at all likely given his history. “I don’t think it’s physically possible.”
“Does he have problems in the erection section?”
I laugh and it’s the first time in two weeks. “No. He definitely does not have any problems in the erection section.”
“Then why would you think it’s not possible?”
It won’t hurt anything to tell Rachel the truth. It’s not as though she’s going to tell anyone. “His wife couldn’t get pregnant by him, but she did get pregnant by another man while she was having an affair.”
“Did they try to conceive for a long time?”
“She was the one trying… without Hutch’s knowledge.”
“For real? What a bitch.”
Bitch doesn’t even begin to cover what Mina was.
“He’s not sure how long she was off of her birth control, but it was a while. She was also taking fertility drugs, and she still didn’t get pregnant.”
“Sounds like he’s sterile.”
“If he is, I’ll never know.” Because we aren’t going to be together. And even if we were, he doesn’t want children.
“I’m sorry about that, Cait. I know how much you love him, but you can’t go on living like this. It’s not good for you.”
“I know. I just need a little more time and it’ll be better.” It feels like I break a little more each day, but it has to begin to get better at some point, right? I can’t still be in this condition a month, six months, or a year from now.
This is day fourteen without being awakened by Hutch’s touch, without seeing his handsome face and naughty grin in the morning, without hearing him tell me how much he wants me just one more time before he has to leave the bed and get ready for work.
I love those memories even if they haunt me. I can’t regret a single one of them because that would be to wish them away. And I can’t do that.
“Classes start tomorrow. That will be a good distraction for you.”
“I hope so.” I need a diversion, something to break my current train of thought.
I’m sinking slowly and I can’t find a way to breathe. My tears are weighing me down, and I don’t have the strength or desire to try to make it to the top of the surface for air.
Is it possible to die of a broken heart?
I guess we’ll find out.
Lease a flat close to campus and pay through the nose for it? Or live farther away, take the train into Edinburgh, and walk twenty minutes to campus? Those were my choices. And because I’m frugal and need this money to last for as long as possible, I’m riding the train—there and back—this and every other day.
I don’t mind the train. I can use the time to study or work on my manuscript. Even if it is the story about Hutch and me with one exception: the fiction has a happy ending.
I sit in my seat, waiting for everyone else to leave the early-morning train. I’m in no hurry to fall into that crowd of people rushing to wherever they needed to be five minutes ago. And I’m in no hurry to return to my old life at uni, my life before Hutch.
It’s as though my life is moving in reverse instead of going forward. Reverse or forward, both are minus Hutch. And I hate it.
I look at his picture on my phone and stroke my finger over his five-o’clock shadow. It feels nothing like the real thing. His stubbly face would feel so prickly in the morning and then again at the end of the day, especially by the time he came to bed. Oh, how I miss that bristled roughness against my face, my stomach, my inner thighs.
My everything.
I slip my phone into my backpack and leave the train. The knot in my stomach tightens when I pass the spot where Hutch was always waiting for me at Waverley Station. This is the first time he’s not there to pick me up. And he never will be again.
My mind has played tug-of-war all day. One minute I’m immersed in whatever the professor has to say, and then the next minute I’m back at the Hutcheson estate with the man I love. And it has to stop. I can’t live like this. It’s maddening.
I’m on the train again, looking out the window and listening to my favorite playlist—the one I listen to while I write. ‘If You Ever Did Believe’ by Stevie Nicks is playing. I’ve always loved the sound of the song, but I don’t think I’ve ever paid much attention to the lyrics until now.
A single tear slides down my cheek and I reach up, wiping it away and hoping that no one sitting around me notices that I’m crying.
I twist my body toward the window when someone takes the seat beside me, and I’m annoyed when that person begins talking to me. Can’t you see that I have AirPods in my ears? That’s the universal sign meaning that I don’t want to talk, asshole. I just want to ride the train in peace.
I jerk my head around, simultaneously removing my AirPod. “I’m sorry. What was that?”
“I said hello, Cait.”
No.
No. Fucking. Way.
This isn’t happening.
Except it is.
“It’s been too long since I’ve seen you. I’ve been wondering how you are.”
“I’m fine. Great, actually.” Cameron glances at the backpack by my feet. “I’m back at uni for my final year.”
“I called you on your birthday and then again about a month ago. I spoke to a man. He told me that he was your boyfriend?”
Hutch told Cameron he was my boyfriend?
Why does that make my chest ache so deeply?
“Yeah, he told me about your conversation.”
“That’s surprising. I didn’t think he would.”
God, I loved the possessive tone I heard in Hutch’s voice when he asked about Cameron. Jealous, even. “He wanted to know who you were and why you were calling me.”
“He sounds insecure about your relationship.”
“Hutch isn’t insecure. He’s possessive of what belongs to him. There’s a difference.”
“You belong to him?” Cameron chuckles. “You’ve never belonged to anyone your entire life, Cait.”
I spent a lot of years belonging to no
one. And then Hutch claimed me as his. And I let him. I gave him my body and then I gave him my heart. I wanted nothing more than to be his. And I coveted every moment we were together.
“I belonged to him. But it’s over now.”
“I don’t hate to hear that because I have things I need to say to you.” Cameron reaches for my hand. “I am truly sorry for what I did to you. You have no idea how much I regret being with that woman. She was the biggest fucking mistake of my life. That one night with her cost me you.”
I needed to hear Cameron say these things to me ten months ago. Not that it would have made a difference but it would have made me feel better to hear that he was suffering a little.
“You were my first everything. I gave myself to you because I believed that you loved me, and then the minute my back was turned, you had a one-night stand with another woman. A stranger that you didn’t even know. There aren’t many things lower than that.”
“Everything you’re saying is true. I was stupid and it was a mistake.”
“I appreciate that you’re able to see the wrong in what you did to me.”
“Do you think you can forgive me?”
“What you did to me… it hurt. It hurt a lot. But it stopped hurting when I met Hutch, and I forgave you. I forgave you because I no longer cared about what you did to me.”
“Does that mean that you no longer care about me or about us?”
He’s failing to see that I’m not the same Cait I was ten months ago. “I don’t think about us anymore. I haven’t in a long time.”
“It kills me to hear that because you’re all I think about.”
There was a time when I would have loved hearing him say that. But not today.
“I don’t know what you expect from me.”
“I want you, Cait. I didn’t realize how much until I didn’t have you in my life anymore. I love you.”
I love you. My heart has been craving the sound of those three little words. But not from him.
“I’m sorry, Cameron.”
“Please, don’t close your heart off to me. We can be happy again if you’ll give me another chance.”
“I can’t be happy with you.”
“Because of him?”
“Yes. Because of him.”
“We have a chance at making us work, but you aren’t going to give us another try because you think you still want him?”
“Make no mistake about it. I will always love him, and I will always want him. That is never going to change.”
Ever.
42
Maxwell Hutcheson
My memories with Lou—they’re everywhere, haunting me day and night. The kitchen. The dining room. The living room. I see her everywhere throughout the house. My bedroom is by far the worst. But my NOLA girl will be back where she belongs soon.
How do I know this? Brady and I finally located Rachel’s client, Claud, and he has put me in touch with her. She has agreed to meet tonight. This nightmare is almost over.
“Max, your brother is ringing you. Are you able to take his call?” my secretary asks.
I don’t really have time to talk to him right now, but Ian doesn’t make a habit of ringing me at work. There must be an important reason for his call. Plus, I haven’t forgotten what happened the last time I dodged his calls and texts.
“Aye, put him through, Mary.”
“I’m sorry to bother you at work, but I have a problem, and I need to talk to someone. Can you meet me for lunch?”
Ian is eleven years younger than me. He was still a child when I became a man. As much as I hate it, we aren’t close. Never have been. But I wish we were. Perhaps he does too if he’s reaching out to me for help with a problem.
“Hold on and give me a second to look at my appointments for today.”
Mary sees to it that I have a printout of my appointment schedule on my desk every morning before I arrive at the office. She’s very efficient.
“I can meet you at noon.”
“Noon would be great.”
I’m curious—and troubled—about what’s going on with my brother. “Is everything all right?”
“No, Max. Everything is not all right.”
“Is there cause for concern?” God, I sound like Mum.
“I’ll tell you everything over lunch.”
He clearly doesn’t want to talk about this over the phone. “Is that new burger place over by uni all right?”
“That works fine.”
“I’ll see you at noon.”
Entering the restaurant an hour later, I take one look at Ian and his face confirms what he said over the phone. Everything is not all right. “You look like shite.”
No smart-ass comeback? That’s disturbing. It means this is serious. “What’s going on?”
Ian runs his hands up and over his face, fisting the top of his hair. “I’ve fucked up, Max. I’ve fucked up big time.”
“You’ve only been back at uni for a few days. How badly could you have fucked up in so little time?”
“It didn’t just happen.” He leans back and rests his head against the back of the bench he’s sitting on, banging it a few times. “I hooked up with a girl from uni last semester.”
I can tell where this is going. “Please tell me that you have a sexually transmitted disease.”
“I wish. Antibiotics would fix that.”
“The lass is pregnant?”
“Aye.”
“Aww fuck, Ian. Why’d you go and do something like that?”
“Well, I didn’t do it on purpose. I don’t want a fucking kid.”
My wee brother is twenty-two years old. Still a kid himself in so many ways. Not even finished with uni yet. He does not need a baby.
“I don’t know what to do.”
After my experience, the first thing I’d do is question the paternity. “Are you sure that the bairn is yours?”
“No.”
“But you did fuck her?”
“Aye. A few times.”
“You used condoms?”
“Every time.” He looks away and his voice is low. “Except for once.”
Dumb. Fucking. Dobber. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I know, I know. It was a stupid mistake. It felt good when I was doing it, but I’m regretting the hell out of it now.”
“You said you hooked up with her last semester. How far along does that put her in the pregnancy?”
“All I know is that she’s a week away from being too far along to have an abortion.”
“Did you discuss abortion with her?”
“I tried but she won’t even consider it. She wants to keep the baby, which means I don’t get a choice. What part of that is fair to me?”
I understand all too well how my brother is feeling right now. I once had a similar mindset but not anymore. I’ve come to love Ava Rose and with each passing day I feel more like her father. And I suspect the same would be true for Ian.
“I still have a week to talk her into having an abortion.”
I hate to break it to Ian but that’s probably a fruitless hope. “This child has been growing inside of her for months. She has connected with it. The lass isn’t likely to change her mind because it’s not what you want.”
“Then what do I do?”
“If the bairn is yours, you become a father.”
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!” The final “fuck” barely squeezes through his clenched teeth.
“How do you feel about the girl?”
He shrugs. “She was a great shag. Other than that, I don’t really know her.”
“Is she pleasant?”
“She’s pleasant to look at.”
Well, at least there’s that. “If there was no bairn, would you consider dating her?”
“Aye, I guess.”
“I’m not saying that you ask her to marry you, but I think you should explore a relationship with her. She is going to be your bairn’s mother. You don’t have to be together to parent
this child, but it would make things easier if you were.”
“And if things don’t work out?” Ian asks.
“You’re no worse off for trying, and at least you’ll know that you gave it some effort.”
“I guess.”
“Have you told Mum and Dad?”
He shakes his head. “I’ve been putting it off. What do you think they’ll say?”
“They’re going to think that you’ve been irresponsible, and you have been, but they’ll get over it. You know how Mum is about bairns. She’ll be happy about getting another one in the family.”
“I dread that conversation.”
“It may not seem like it right now, but this is eventually going to be all right.”
There was a time when being in this same situation would’ve caused me the same kind of despair but not today. I’m no longer afraid of what life would be like with a family. I’m more afraid of what life without Lou would be like.
She wants babies. If I’m going to make her my wife, I have to give them to her. And I will. As many as she wants, whenever she’s ready. By any means.
Rachel Meggett. The lass has been a kind, loyal friend to Lou and that makes her all right in my book.
She stands when Claud and I enter the parlor. I scan the room, hoping to see Lou, but she isn’t here. And my hopes are crushed.
“Mr. Hutcheson. It’s a pleasure to see you again.”
Rachel and I briefly met the night of the Inamorata gala. We’ve only shared a few words, but she doesn’t feel like a stranger to me. Lou was forever talking about her best friend.
“It’s my pleasure. Thank you for agreeing to see me.”
“Of course.”
Claud goes to the wet bar and picks up a crystal decanter, removing the top. “Would you care for a whisky?”
I’ve had far too many whiskies the last two weeks. I need to dry out. “I wouldn’t care for one but thank you.”
Claud and Rachel sit on the sofa, and I take the chair across from them. “You’ve been in contact with Lou? You told her I was coming?”
“I have and I did.”
Beautiful Illusions Duet Bundle: Eighty-One Nights and Beautiful Ever After Page 26
