I hold my breath, waiting for Dr. Kimble to tell me the fate of my son or daughter’s life. And every moment between the beats of my heart feels like an hour rather than a second.
I suck air between my teeth when Dr. Kimble presses the wand against my lower right side.
“That area is tender?”
“Yes. Very.” And it’s new. I wasn’t tender there earlier.
“I’m sorry. I know this is uncomfortable. I’ll try to not press harder than necessary.”
“It’s fine. Press as hard as you need to.”
Dr. Kimble twists a knob on the machine, and I hear a fast and steady swooshing.
“That’s your baby’s heartbeat.”
I look at Rachel, my mouth open, but I can’t form any words. Only tears.
“What a beautiful sound, Cait.”
“The most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.” My voice breaks on the last word.
Dr. Kimble finishes the ultrasound and rolls her stool over so she’s facing me. “We have a problem, Caitriona.”
The happiness and hope in my heart immediately plummet.
“The good news. Your baby has a heartbeat so you’ve not miscarried, but you do have a subchorionic bleed between the uterus and the placenta. And it’s a big one.”
“That sounds serious.”
“Most of these kinds of bleeds will stop, and the hematoma will dissolve on its own without any kind of intervention. But occasionally the bleeding doesn’t stop, and the placenta will separate from the uterine wall. The pregnancy ends in a miscarriage when that happens.”
“Is that what’s happening to me?”
“It could be.”
“Am I going to lose my baby?”
“It could go either way at this point.”
Words can’t describe the fear I feel inside.
“Is there anything that can be done to save my baby?” I will do anything that might swing the pendulum in our favor.
“The bleeding needs to stop, and the only thing that could help with that at this point is bed rest.”
“I’ll do whatever you want me to.”
“I wish all of my patients were as compliant as you.”
“I just want what’s best for my baby.”
Please survive this, little baby.
Please.
46
Maxwell Hutcheson
I was thrilled when Rachel called and asked to meet. I was so certain that she had good news. But after seeing her face, I can tell that something isn’t right. “What is wrong?”
“Oh God.” Rachel cups her hand over her forehead and turns away. “Cait may hate me forever for doing this.” Her voice is low as though she may be talking to herself rather than me.
“I doubt that. She doesn’t have it in her to hate anyone.” Not even the bastards who have mistreated her.
Rachel’s face scrunches and she looks upward, blinking rapidly. “I don’t know how to say this to you without crying.”
Okay. Now she’s scaring the shite out of me. “Is Lou all right?”
Rachel shakes her head and a pair of tears fall down her cheeks. “She isn’t all right. She needs you now more than ever.”
Countless terrifying scenarios rush through my mind. “What has happened?”
“I’m not the one who should be telling you this. I don’t know how to say it to you.” Rachel squeezes her eyes shut, and more tears roll down her cheeks.
She can’t throw something like that out there and then not tell me what’s going on. “I need you to just say it. I’m imagining the worst right now.”
“Cait was pregnant with your baby but she miscarried.” Rachel’s chest vibrates when she inhales deeply. “She’s devastated and not handling it well.”
It’s not often that someone has the capability of shaking me to the core, but I am officially shaken. And speechless.
A baby? My baby?
I thought I couldn’t have children.
Was I wrong all of this time?
“She was going to tell you about the baby after the shock wore off. But she didn’t get the chance because she started having complications.”
Medical complications typically mean danger. “What kind of complications? Is she going to be okay?”
“The miscarriage didn’t happen quickly. She had pain and bleeding, a lot of bleeding, for days. She hemorrhaged and had to have emergency surgery. I don’t even know how many bags of blood they had to give her.”
“Is she still in the hospital?”
“They released her yesterday.”
“When did this happen?”
“It all started a week ago, and it’s been four days since she lost the baby.” Rachel inhales deeply. “She’s a wreck. You can’t imagine how much she wanted that baby. It was the only part of you that she had left, and losing it has devastated her.”
Lou is hurting and I can’t stand it. I don’t want her to ever feel pain. “I have to see her.”
“I was praying you’d feel that way, but you need to hear the rest of the story before you see her. The part about your sister-in-law. The part you’re not supposed to ever know.”
“What did Blair do to her?”
“Your sister-in-law hired a private investigator. She knows everything about your inamorata-client arrangement. She threatened to ruin you if Cait didn’t leave. The only reason she complied was because she loves you and couldn’t bear to be the cause of your downfall.”
And like always, Blair got what she wanted. Zero surprise there. “I suspected as much.”
“Everything Cait did was out of love for you.”
“I’m not angry with Lou. I just want her back.” Being together again is the only thing that matters to me at this point.
“I’ve seen Cait hurt before but never like this. And I can’t help her. You’re the only one who can make her pain better.”
“Take me to her.”
Forty-six days. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen Lou’s beautiful face. Since I’ve heard her contagious laughter. Since I’ve held her in my arms.
Forty-six days. And I died a wee bit each day she wasn’t in my life.
Thank fuck it won’t be forty-seven.
My heart is pounding erratically and throbbing in my ears when Calvin stops the car in front of Lou’s building. And I can’t believe it. She’s been living only ten miles away from me. I’ve driven by her building countless times since she left. But ten miles might as well have been ten thousand when I had no idea where she was.
Rachel lets me into the flat and I enter Lou’s bedroom. And all of the time that separated us disappears when I see her lying on her side, sleeping with one hand tucked beneath the side of her face. I don’t know how many times I’ve awakened and seen her just like that. And I miss it desperately. But never again.
I kick out of my shoes and pull back the covers, slipping beneath them. I inch closer until my front presses against her back and I wrap my arm around her middle section.
“Mo maise,” I whisper.
She twitches and I pull her closer, pressing my nose against the back of her hair and inhaling deeply.
“Mo maise,” I say again, this time a wee bit louder than a whisper.
“Hutch?” Her voice is hoarse and my name is barely decipherable.
“Aye. I’m here.”
“This feels real. Not like the other dreams I’ve had.”
“This is real.”
“The medicine does weird things to me, but I take it because it helps me forget what happened.” Her voice remains dazed as though she might still be lingering between sleep and wake.
“Look at me, Lou. I’m here with you.”
She twists and looks at me over her shoulder for a moment before turning over and wrapping her arms around me. She squeezes tightly, pulling me against her.
“I’ve got you, my sweet lass, and everything is going to be all right. I promise.”
She pulls away and looks at me, her eyes takin
g a moment to focus on mine. “You really are here.”
“I am.”
Her hand wraps around my cheek, cradling it. “Something terrible has happened.”
“I know.”
“I was pregnant… but I lost the baby.”
“I know.”
“I was going to tell you. I swear I was but—”
She presses her forehead to mine and her body shudders. She sucks in a quick, deep breath, and then a sob that possesses the power of ripping your heart apart fills the room.
“I’m so sorry you went through that without me. I wish I’d been with you.”
Her tears trigger mine, and together, we grieve for the bairn we’ve lost. I mourn the passing of a child who was gone before I ever knew it existed. My heart bleeds for a wee one I didn’t know I wanted until now.
The pain. The sorrow. The longing.
It’s real.
Lou struggles to catch her breath. “I wanted our baby. Words aren’t enough to tell you how much I wanted our son or daughter. And it feels like I’ve lost a piece of my heart.”
I hold her against me, stroking the back of her hair. “I know I haven’t given you a reason to think so but I would have been happy about the baby.”
She lifts her face and her eyes connect with mine. “I thought you wouldn’t want it.”
“I love you, Lou. How could I not want a child who is a part of you?”
“Hearing you say that makes me happy and sad at the same time.”
This lost child will always be in Lou’s heart, but there will come a time when she will be ready to try again. She doesn’t know it yet but I want to give her another baby. Babies. As many babies as she wants.
I grasp the sides of her face. “We’ve lost something very special, and it’s extraordinarily painful, but we will get through this together.”
She nods and our heads move in synchronization. “I’m going to cling to you with everything I have because only your love and strength can pull me through this.”
I don’t know how long we lie there holding one another, saying nothing, yet speaking to each other in a silent language we both understand. Every breath, every touch tells me how much she loves me.
But I have words to say to her. Important words.
I caress my fingertips down her upper arm. “I love you, Lou. I love you so much.”
She lifts her face and looks at me. “I love you too. And I didn’t want to go. Blair forced me to do it.”
“Rachel told me everything. But even before she did, I already knew Blair was somehow responsible for your leaving.”
“She says I’m not fit to be in Ava Rose’s life, but that woman is the one who is vile.”
Vile is too kind a word to describe Blair. “She’s trying to blackmail me into marrying her.”
“Marrying her? Isn’t she already married?”
“She has this insane idea that she will divorce her husband, and then she and I will marry and raise Ava Rose as our daughter.”
“You can’t marry that woman.” Is that panic in Lou’s voice? Does she really believe that I would ever consider that?
“I would choose death over being married to another Lochridge woman. But she has backed me into a corner, and I’m not sure what I’m going to do.”
Now is the wrong time to be having this conversation. We should be mourning the loss of our child, not planning our line of defense against Blair.
“We don’t have to talk about her right now. You need to rest and recover.”
“I can’t rest until I know what she’s up to.”
No, I don’t suppose she can rest with so much hanging in the air. “Blair knows that I’m not Ava Rose’s biological father. She’s threatening to take her away from me if I don’t do what she wants—marry her and never see you again.”
Lou looks as though she’s allowing that to soak in for a moment. “She’s threatening to take a baby away from the only parent she’s ever known as a ploy to get what she wants? How can anyone be so evil?”
Lou is shocked, but I’m not. There are no limits to what the Lochridges will do. “They will use any means necessary to cut down anyone who is standing in the way of what they want.”
“She knows who fathered Ava Rose?”
“She claims to know.”
“Do you think she’s telling the truth?”
“Unfortunately, I do.” The Lochridges aren’t known for making empty threats. “She could talk him into coming forward and claiming Ava Rose as his daughter.”
“You’ve been raising her since she was born. You’re the only father she’s ever known. He can’t just come forward and take her from you.”
No, but he can petition for custody.
“I have an appointment with a solicitor next week.” And I’m terrified to find out what my rights may or may not be. “I love that wee lass. I can’t lose her.”
Lou rolls away from me and lies on her back, looking up at the ceiling. “I can’t be the reason you lose your daughter. I wouldn’t be able to get over that and neither would you.”
Blair is clever, using Lou’s tender heart and love for me as a weapon against her. But I see what she’s doing. And it isn’t going to work. “Let’s get one thing straight right now. You are mine, Lou, and I won’t lose you over this.”
“You’re going to lose one of us. She’s going to make sure that happens.”
“She isn’t going to win. I won’t let her.”
Lou’s eyes are filled with doubt and I can understand why. I don’t have a strategy for fixing this shite storm. It’s going to take time to come up with a concrete plan.
“Do you want to see Ava Rose?”
“Of course, I want to see her. Will you go get her?”
“Better than that. I’ll have Mrs. McVey pack her bag and bring her to us.” I knew that would bring a smile to her face.
“Call her now. Please. I haven’t seen her since the day I left. I can’t wait another minute.”
Lou showers while we wait for Ava Rose to arrive. She’s exhausted by the time she finishes, and her plan to move to the couch is thwarted.
Lou’s so pale and weak. But I’m going to take care of her and nurse her back to health.
Her eyes sparkle, or maybe glisten with tears, when she sees Ava Rose for the first time in forty-six days. “There she is. My sweet girl.”
She repositions the pillows behind her back and reaches out for Ava Rose. I lower her into her arms and she cradles her like a mum holding her newborn baby for the first time. And Ava Rose lets her. “She has grown so much since I last saw her. I can’t believe how much she has changed. It sort of breaks my heart.”
I was worried that Ava Rose would fret because she wouldn’t remember Lou, but that clearly isn’t the case. I see the eye contact between them, and I know that Ava Rose hasn’t forgotten Lou at all. “She remembers you.”
“I was afraid she wouldn’t.”
Lou brings Ava Rose’s chubby hand to her mouth and kisses the top. “I’ve missed you so much, my little carrot top.”
Ava Rose steals all of Lou’s attention, and I’m perfectly all right with that. My daughter makes her happy. She eases Lou’s suffering.
I lie beside them, watching the two of them together again. And I know in my heart that this picture—Lou, Ava Rose, and me as a family—is how things are supposed to be.
47
Caitriona Louden
I stare at the ceiling tiles and Hutch holds my hand while Dr. Kimble does my pelvic exam.
“Things look good down here and your blood work is normal, which is surprising. I thought you’d still be anemic. Have you had a cycle yet?”
“I had a light period last week.”
“Very good.”
Dr. Kimble removes the vagina-opener thing and pulls the sheet down to cover my lower body. After removing her gloves, she offers her hand and pulls me into to a sitting position. She always does that when she wants to talk.
“You ca
n resume sexual activity. Do you want a prescription for birth control or are you planning to try to conceive again?”
Hutch and I haven’t talked about it, but a conversation like that isn’t necessary. I already know that we won’t be trying to conceive. “I need birth control.”
“Do you want to go back to the pill or try something new?”
I got pregnant on the pill and I was taking it correctly. My level of trust in it is zero. “I want something different.”
“A lot of my patients like the vaginal ring. They especially like that they don’t have to think about it on a daily basis. Would that be of interest?”
I like the idea of not setting a daily reminder to take care of birth control. “I’m open to giving it a try.”
“You’ll obviously need to use a backup birth control method for a month, but I’m sure you know that already.”
“Yes.”
“Continue taking your vitamins and iron until the prescription runs out.” Dr. Kimble holds out my new birth-control prescription. “Do you have any questions?”
“I think you answered most of them at my last appointment.” I turn and look at Hutch. “Do you have any questions?”
I think the one he had on his mind has already been answered.
He shakes his head. “I can’t think of anything.”
I love Dr. Kimble. She’s been so kind and understanding during this time, always reassuring me that my miscarriage was no fault of mine and not an indicator of problems with future pregnancies. And that’s something that I needed to hear. It’s something that I needed to hear more than once.
When we’re in the car, Hutch laces his fingers through mine, bringing our clasped hands to rest on his thigh. “It’s a relief to hear that you’re healthy again.”
It’s taken six weeks plus a lot of vitamins and iron supplements for my strength to return. “I finally feel like my old self again.”
“You have your spark back. And your color.”
I’m happy about that. I looked like a ghost for weeks.
“I’m healthy again because you’ve taken such good care of me. Thank you for that.”
Beautiful Illusions Duet Bundle: Eighty-One Nights and Beautiful Ever After Page 29
