by Adele Abbott
“Not this time.”
I was just about to leave when Florence said, “Mummy, can I have a ride in your new car?”
“Yes, darling. At the weekend.”
“Can’t you take me to school in it today? Pleeease.”
“I suppose so. Are you ready, Jack?”
“Just about.”
“Come on, then. I’ll drop you and Daddy at school on my way to work.”
Florence insisted on sitting in the front with me, so Jack was relegated to the back seat. It was only a couple of minutes’ drive across the village, so I took it really slowly. We’d only just set off, when a knocking sound came from the glove compartment.
“What’s that, Mummy?” Florence said.
“It’s nothing. Ignore it.”
The knocking continued.
“There’s something in here, Mummy.” Before I could stop her, she’d pulled open the glove compartment and Henry popped his head out.
“Hi, everybody.”
“Who’s that little man, Mummy?”
“That’s Henry. He’s a car elf.”
By now, Jack was totally confused because, as a human, he couldn’t see the elf. “What’s going on, Jill?”
“We have a car elf who lives in the glove compartment. His name is Henry.”
“What’s your name?” Henry asked Florence.
“Florence Maxwell.” She seemed remarkably unfazed by the elf’s sudden appearance.
“I’m very pleased to meet you, little witch.” He turned to me. “How come the guy in the back is a human?”
“That’s Jack. He’s my husband.”
“Is it okay for you to talk to me when he’s here?”
“Yeah, it’s fine, but I’d rather you kept it to yourself.”
“Don’t worry. My lips are sealed.”
I dropped Jack and Florence near (but not too near) the school, and I was just about to set off for Washbridge when someone made me jump by knocking on the driver’s side window.
It was Grandma. Great! Just what I needed to start the day.
“I’m on my way to work, Grandma.”
“This won’t take a minute.” She pushed a folder into my hands.
“What’s this?”
“Take a look.”
Printed on the front was:
Hotel First Time.
Important information pack.
Inside the folder were several sheets of paper, which I flicked through quickly.
“So? What do you think, Jill?”
“You seem to have covered most things here. How did you get it done so quickly?”
“I have my contacts. I trust that you’ll stop hassling my guests now.”
“I wasn’t hassling your guests. I was saving the vicar from certain death. That’s hardly the same thing. And, providing your guests read and abide by these instructions, they won’t have anything to fear from me.”
“Good.”
She was just about to leave when I said, “Grandma, how much do you know about Gwen Ravensbeak?”
“Only what I told you.”
“But can she really see the past? Or is it just some kind of elaborate con?”
“It’s definitely not a con. I know several people who have called upon her powers, and they all speak very highly of her. These are people I trust, so yes, I’m confident Gwen can do what she says. Why?”
“I took her to the location where a young boy was supposedly abducted, and maybe even murdered. She went into a trance, but afterwards she insisted that no such incident had taken place there.”
“Maybe it hadn’t.”
“But the police found his blood on the rocks. That’s what got my client convicted of his stepbrother’s murder.”
“You more than anyone should know the police don’t always get it right. If Gwen Ravensbeak says nothing happened there, you can be sure she’s right, and proceed with your investigation accordingly.”
“I guess so. Anyway, I’d better get going.”
“Before you do, I understand that you’re having a dinner party at your place tonight.”
“How did you hear about it?”
“I have my sources. I was just wondering what happened to my invitation?”
Oh bum! I was already dreading the dinner party. Having Grandma there too would be purgatory. But what choice did I have?
“Err, you’re welcome to join us if you wish.”
“Are you kidding? Wild horses wouldn’t drag me there. Why would I want to share a table with that crowd? What possessed you to organise that little shindig?”
“It wasn’t my idea. Jack arranged it as a surprise for our anniversary.”
“That’s what happens when you marry a human. It’s your own fault. You reap what you sow.”
It was nice to be able to listen to music while I was driving. The radio in my old car had stopped working years ago. I was singing along to a golden oldie from the nineties when the glove compartment opened and out popped Henry.
“I don’t suppose you could change the music channel, could you, Jill?”
“What’s wrong with this one?”
“I’m not a big fan of pop music. I’m more of a jazz person myself.”
“Err, okay. I suppose so.”
And, so it was that I had to endure twenty minutes of jazz on my drive to Washbridge. By the time I’d parked the car, I’d lost the will to live. It suddenly dawned on me that I was being taken for a mug. Why had I let Henry listen to the jazz channel when I hated it? Whose car was it anyway? It was time I stood up for myself. If he wanted to carry on living rent-free in the glove compartment, he would just have to put up with the music I liked.
No more Mr Nice Guy.
***
As I walked to the office building, my phone rang.
“Jill, it’s Don Keigh.”
“Morning, Don. How are things today?”
“Pretty rough still, as you can probably imagine. Is there any chance you could come over to Chuckle House this morning?”
“Yeah, but I need to nip into the office first. I can be there in about an hour if that’s okay?”
“That’s fine. We’ll see you then.”
As I walked up the stairs in my office building, I could hear dogs barking, which surprised me because since Bubbles had opened, I hadn’t heard a peep from the canine clientele down the corridor.
I was just about to go through the door to my offices when I remembered that I needed to knock first. When I did, the barking became even louder and seemed to be coming from inside.
“You can come in, Jill!” Mrs V shouted. “It’s okay.”
I couldn’t quite believe the sight that greeted me: sitting on Mrs V’s desk was a cute little Pomeranian. On the opposite side of the room, Delilah was holding the lead of a spaniel, and Farah was trying to rein in a Rottweiler. All three dogs were barking at me.
Before I had the chance to ask what was going on, Farah said, “I’m really sorry, Jill. When I tried to unlock the door this morning, the key broke off in the lock, so we can’t get in.”
“Oh dear. Have you called someone?”
“I rang a locksmith ten minutes ago and he’s promised to be here within the hour. As you can see, some of the dogs booked in for this morning have already arrived. Their owners dropped them off on their way to work. Mrs V saw us out in the corridor and was kind enough to invite us to come in here. I hope that’s okay with you.”
“Of course it is. I only popped in to check the post, then I have to shoot straight out again, so you’ll have to excuse me.”
As I made my way across the room to my office, the Rottweiler was straining on its lead, so I gave it a wide berth.
Winky was sitting on the sofa, looking rather nervous. “What’s going on out there? Why are all those dogs in here?”
“Don’t panic. They’ll be gone soon. The people at Bubbles can’t get into their premises; they’re waiting for the locksmith. Mrs V took pity on them and invited them to wa
it in here.”
“I might’ve known the old bag lady would be behind this. She hates me.”
“She didn’t do it just to annoy you.”
“You should charge them for being here.”
“Don’t be so mean. They’ll be gone in a few minutes.”
“Just make sure they don’t come through here.” He disappeared under the sofa, just in case.
Bertie and Bobby were just outside the open window.
“Hey guys, how’s your love life? Have you had any joy with that new app?”
“Not yet, Jill, but we live in hope.”
“I guess it’ll take time for the word to get around.”
“There are tons of profiles on there already. Mostly guys so far,” Bertie said. “Lots of our mates have signed up.”
“That’s great. Hopefully, it’ll only be a matter of time before the two of you are all loved up.”
“Wings crossed.”
When I’d finished checking the post (bills, bills and something that looked like an award notification, but turned out to be another bill), I made my way back through the outer office, making sure to steer well clear of the Rottweiler.
***
The female clown on reception at Chuckle House showed me straight to the meeting room where Don Keigh and Trevor Hee were already seated at the conference table. Thankfully, neither of them was in clown costume.
“Jill, come and sit here.” Don gestured to the seat next to him.
“Why don’t you talk me through what happened yesterday,” I said.
“It was terrible.” Don shook his head. “We’d almost got through the meeting, and I was beginning to think that the curse had been lifted, when Freddie suddenly stood up and held his chest. The next thing I knew, he’d fallen backwards, knocked over his chair and landed with a thud on the floor. One of our committee members is trained in first aid; he applied CPR, but he wasn’t able to revive Freddie. Do you have any leads yet, Jill? Anything at all?”
“I’ve spoken to the widows of Mickey and Randy, but nothing much came out of that. I plan on speaking to the other committee members next if you can provide me with a list.”
“What about the Scrabble tiles, Jill?” Don said. “Any idea what they mean?”
“Not a clue as yet.”
“It strikes me that you’re clueless altogether,” Trevor snapped. “What exactly are we paying you for?”
“Can I remind you that I only got involved with this case because Don insisted that I did. I’m happy to walk away from it right now if that’s what you want. You won’t owe me a penny.”
“That isn’t what we want, Jill,” Don said. “Ignore Trevor, he’s just upset. We all are.”
“Understandably.”
“You’ll stay on the case, then?”
“If that’s what you want, yes.”
“Definitely. One way or another we need to get to the bottom of this. Trevor, get Jill a list of the members, would you?”
“This is a total waste of time.” Trevor stomped out of the room.
“I do apologise for Trevor.” Don was clearly embarrassed by the actions of his junior colleague.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not.”
Chapter 17
By the time I got back to the office, the dogs were nowhere to be seen.
“I take it they managed to get into Bubbles, Mrs V?”
“Yes, dear, the locksmith arrived not long after you left. It’s a pity because I was really taken with little Petra.”
“Who’s Petra?”
“The Pomeranian.”
“Right. I didn’t much care for that Rottweiler. I think he had it in for me.”
“I’m sure he was only trying to be friendly.”
“Friendly? He looked like he wanted to rip off my arm and eat it.”
“Jill, I managed to find the address you wanted.”
“For Phil Black’s stepfather? Is he still in France?”
“Yes. He lives in Avignon.”
“That’s great, Mrs V. Well done.”
“Are you thinking of going over there?”
“I doubt it. I’ll most probably track down his phone number and give him a call.”
Winky was under the sofa.
“Three hundred and forty-nine, three hundred and fifty!” He punched the air. “Get in there!”
“Winky, what are you up to?”
“Nothing.” He couldn’t have looked any more guilty if he’d tried.
“What were you counting?”
“I wasn’t. You must be hearing things.” He came out from under the sofa. “By the way, Jill, how’s your step count coming along?”
“I haven’t checked it for a while. You do realise you have no chance of winning, don’t you? Take today, for example, I’ve not stopped since the moment I got out of bed, whereas you’ve been lying around the office doing nothing.”
“We’ll see.” He grinned. “I wouldn’t count your chickens.”
“Why do people say that?”
“Say what?”
“What you just said. About counting chickens.”
“It’s just a saying.”
“I know, but think about it. How many people actually keep chickens? Not many, I’d wager.”
“Seriously?”
“And if you did keep them, would you really spend all your time counting them?”
“You’ve missed the point by a country mile.”
My phone rang; it was Kathy.
“Jill, hi. I just called to wish you a happy anniversary.”
“Thanks.”
“I have a present for you and Jack.”
“That’s very kind of you, Kathy, but you shouldn’t have. We never buy you anything for your anniversary.”
“That’s okay. I know you’re tight-fisted.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“I’m only kidding. I was going to take it around to your place to give it to Jack, but our washing machine broke down this morning and I have to wait in for the repairman. Is there any chance you could pick it up on your way home?”
“Sure. In fact, I’ve had enough of work today, so I’ll be over shortly.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
“I’m going to call it a day, Mrs V.”
“Already? Are you feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. It’s our wedding anniversary today, so I thought I’d finish early and surprise Jack.”
“You should have reminded me. I would’ve bought you a card.”
“You don’t need to do that. I’m calling at Kathy’s on my way home because she’s bought me a present.”
“Us.”
“Sorry?”
“I’m sure the present is intended for you and Jack.”
“Right, yeah. That’s what I meant.”
“Are you doing anything special tonight?”
“Just having dinner.”
“Out?”
“No. Florence is going to her friend’s house.”
“So, it’ll just be the two of you, then. How romantic.”
“Thanks.” Some chance.
***
On my way to Kathy’s, Henry stuck his head out of the glove compartment.
“Can we have the jazz channel on again, Jill?”
“Sorry, no. I’m not listening to that awful row again. I want to listen to some pop.” I switched on the radio and tuned into a channel that was playing greatest hits of the eighties and nineties.
I expected Henry to go back into the glove compartment to sulk, but instead he began to sing along. That elf had the worst voice I’d ever heard.
“I didn’t think you liked pop music, Henry.”
“I don’t really, but I do enjoy a good singalong. I’m a big karaoke fan. We should go together sometime.”
“I don’t really do karaoke.”
“Why not? It doesn’t matter if you can’t sing. Not everyone can have a voice like mine.”
By the time I arrived at Kathy’s ho
use, I couldn’t make up my mind which was worse: listening to the jazz channel or having to endure Henry’s singing.
“I’m sorry to drag you over here, Jill,” Kathy said. “I’d have taken the present over to Jack, but I daren’t go out in case I missed the repairman. I can’t afford to be without the washing machine.” She glanced over my shoulder. “You didn’t tell me you were getting a new car.”
“It’s not new-new. Just new to me. I had to buy it because my old one had given up the ghost.”
“Have you got time for a cuppa?”
“Of course.”
“Go through to the orangery and I’ll put the kettle on.”
In the ‘orangery’, I took a seat next to the open French doors. As I looked out over the garden, the gnome holding a fishing rod stood up and walked across the lawn to where a gnome with a bucket was sitting. The second gnome then got up and walked over to the spot where the first gnome had come from.
When Kathy had told me she thought the gnomes were possessed, I thought she was crazy, but I’d obviously misjudged her because I’d just witnessed the gnomes swapping places. It was time I had a word with these two gentlemen.
Fortunately, the kitchen was on the side of the house, so Kathy didn’t see me go out into the garden. I walked over to the gnome with the bucket, and then called to his friend.
“Hey, you with the fishing rod, come over here and join us, would you?”
“Me?”
“I don’t see anyone else out here with a fishing rod.”
Clearly puzzled, he walked across the garden and sat next to his friend.
“You’re a witch,” bucket-gnome said.
“Well spotted. Would you care to tell me what you two think you are playing at?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” fishing rod-gnome said.
“Do I look like I just came down the river on the stupid boat? You two have been swapping places, making my sister think she’s crazy.”
“We were only having a laugh. We didn’t mean any harm by it.”
“It isn’t funny. What are your names?”
“I’m Len,” fishing rod-gnome said.
“And I’m Ben.”
“Len and Ben. Right. I’m Jill.”
