by Mindy Kaling
I’m not even one of those women who doesn’t want their boyfriend to watch porn. I think it’s hot! As long as I’m watching it with him, and there’s some kind of entry point for women, like Fifty Shades of Grey or Magic Mike.
One thing I definitely don’t need is lavish gifts. I’m not some princess living in a fairy tale. A simple compliment once in a while is enough to show he appreciates me: “You look pretty today.” “I love your laugh.” “You’re such a good cook, even better than my mother and my sisters.” “I love you more than my mother and my sisters.” See? It’s so easy!
I don’t get why that’s asking so much, to meet a nice guy at a bar who wants to date for six months and then propose to me while we are in Montana glamping, on a night that is perfectly clear, and then, move out of his apartment, give up his dog to his coworker, and buy a four-bedroom house in the town where I was raised, near that elementary school everyone’s raving about.
That’s why I think I should date an older guy. They say older guys are more secure and have gotten all the immaturity out of their systems. That would be so refreshing right now. To be with a man who isn’t obsessed with youth and doesn’t want to stay out late smoking weed with his loser friends. And I don’t care if he has kids. I think that’s cool! So as long as his kids are already away at college and his wife is dead, I’m in. And she needs to be normal dead, where she won’t come back to haunt me as a ghost.
’Cause that’s all I want. A sweet, mature, normal, loving guy, with no baggage. And who has an absolutely enormous penis.
A PERFECT COURTSHIP IN MY ALTERNATE LIFE
IF I HAD stayed in New York and had a non-Hollywood job, I’m certain I would have become a Latin teacher at a private school in Manhattan. I took Latin from seventh grade through college, and I always loved it and was pretty good at it. There weren’t a lot of us who took Latin in high school, but our small group felt very cool. Every winter, the Latin Club celebrated Saturnalia, an ancient Roman festival in honor of the deity Saturn. We wore togas (bedsheets unenthusiastically supplied to us by our mothers) and wreaths made out of pipe cleaners, and had a feast of whole roast chickens and carbonated grape juice, which we ate with our hands, like the Romans. We toasted each other by saying “Io Saturnalia!” and pretended to be drunk emperors in the teachers’ multipurpose room. You know, just the typical stuff you do when you are really cool in high school.
When I moved to New York after college, I pictured myself teaching Latin at the Dalton School, where Jocelyn worked as a geography teacher. Dalton is on the Upper East Side and felt very glamorous and Gossip Girl to me, so I was always coming up with reasons to visit her there. It’s a little strange to be in an environment where you are twenty-three and you know the high school students around you are better dressed, more sophisticated, and have had way more sexual experience than you have. They could tell too, I bet, because I was so intimidated I barely made eye contact with any of them. But I’m the kind of person who actually likes feeling a little bit out of place. Aspirational is how I feel comfortable.
The dream of teaching Latin disappeared, of course, when I moved to Los Angeles to work in show business. But I always wondered, in the Sliding Doors version of my life, about this other, imaginary version of me, living in New York, teaching at a prep school, and trying to make friends. Over the years, as the real me grew older in L.A., “Mindy in New York” stayed twenty-five. She began to resemble me less and less, and became a character all her own.
I started ascribing fun and theatrical personality traits to her. She partied too much and dated guys in ways that blew up in her face spectacularly, but she still desperately wanted to find love. She was so fun to write that other characters sprung up in her universe. Mindy always fought with one male teacher in particular, a serious-minded forty-year-old US History teacher. I will have a stern man in anything I ever write; I just love a gruff guy with a heart of gold. I guess what I’m saying is Walter Matthau is the man of my dreams.
I thought I would share some of her adventures with you. It’s kind of a Choose Your Own Adventure, or Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken,” depending on how fancy you are. Enjoy.
MONDAY
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Hello, Dalton friends!
Welcome back to another school year. I hope you’re all as rested and excited as I am to tackle this new semester. As some of you may know, I was lucky enough to travel to Rome by myself this summer. Traveling by oneself poses its unique challenges, but I think I learned a lot and I even brushed up on my Latin. You can read about it in my blog www.aromeofonesown.com. If you do, please let me know what you think by leaving a comment!
I thought it could be fun to have you all over to my new place for drinks. As some of you may know, I no longer live in Gramercy with Ethan, I live in Astoria now. Astoria is a bustling neighborhood with a vibrant culture and, according to a few blogs, Queens is the new Brooklyn. The great part is, I have a lot more space, and not just because I don’t have to share it with my ex-boyfriend, ha-ha. But you can decide for yourself! Party info:
This Saturday, Sept 10th @ Chez Mindy
36-19 Ditmars Blvd. Apt. 6A
Astoria
9pm–who knows! :-D
Dress code: Upscale Autumn
Anyway, please RSVP if you can make it. I’m really looking forward to seeing you.
Love,
Mindy
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Sam Cook
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Dear colleagues,
I am actually glad that Ms. Kaling wrote, because it’s the beginning of the school year, and we have an opportunity to set a precedent. These email accounts were given to us for work-related emails only, and I would like to keep my inbox clear of irrelevant emails not necessary to education.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
* * *
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Hello everyone,
It has recently been brought to my attention that I may have offended some of you by inviting you to a party on my work email. I am so sorry to have filled your inbox with “irrelevant emails not necessary to education.”
It should be noted, however, certain studies have shown that teachers getting along socially actually benefits students, so forgive me if I’m trying to do something progressive here. I didn’t know this was East Germany in the 1950s where we’re not supposed to talk. I’m sure that environment is much worse for the students but I don’t have a study to corroborate that. For those who do want to come, please RSVP.
Sorry again if I offended, though I would be really surprised if I did.
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Sam Cook
To: All Faculty
Subject: RE: RE: RE: A Back to School Soiree Chez Mindy
Date: Mon, Sep 5, 2005
Great. Thanks.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
TUESDAY
From: Mindy Kaling
To: All Faculty
Subject: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
To all:
You don’t have to come to my party, and I get it if you think I suck and Astoria is lame, but you don’t have to talk loudly about it in the teachers’ lounge, where a teacher could walk by on her break and hear what you are saying, which is exactly what happened to me this afternoon. I know that my party may not be what you want to do on a Saturday night, and yeah, maybe it was a mistake to buy a piñata, but I thought it might be a fun way to blow off steam. The truth is, my apartment is new and empty and it would have been nice to have it filled with voices. But you know what? No one has to come. Forget it. Party’s canceled.
Sorry to have wasted all your time.
Mindy Kaling
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Ms. Kaling,
I want to apologize. I was one of the people you overheard talking in the lounge earlier today. I think your party sounds very silly, but I shouldn’t have said anything. Please don’t cancel it.
And as it happens, I do think piñatas are fun. My daughter Molly really enjoys them, and at her last birthday party, I even took a whack. I think it will go over well.
SC
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
* * *
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Dear Sam,
Thanks for apologizing, kind of. I do appreciate it, because from someone as disagreeable as you, it must’ve taken a lot to send that. I forgive you, and I won’t cancel the party. You are re-invited.
Though it might not have been apparent in the first email, it’s kind of a singles event, so you should come. You and I have that in common at least. Ethan dumped me, and your wife left you. So join us if you’re not doing anything.
Sincerely,
Mindy
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.” —Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Sam Cook
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
Ms. Kaling,
Thank you for your touching email. I should just clear something up: my wife didn’t leave me, she died. Though I am wondering about my behavior in general if you think that the former is more likely.
I don’t think I will be able to come to the party.
Sam Cook
US History, High School
Chair, History Department
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
* * *
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Hurtful but work-related matter
Date: Tue, Sep 6, 2005
OH MY GOD I am so sorry that I assumed your wife left you.
Sincerely,
Mindy
P.S. I’m also so sorry she is dead.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
WEDNESDAY
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Lindsay Kellogg
Subject: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Hey Linds! I’m so excited you’re coming Saturday night! I know how busy you are at Goldmans so I will make sure it’s extra fun. Uh, I feel a little embarrassed asking this, but remember that guy Seth you work with? The one you said once looked at our Facebook album from college and said he’d never been with an Indian girl but he’d like to someday? Maybe you could invite him to the party? If it’s not weird. It would be really nice to meet some guys.
xoxo
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Lindsay Kellogg
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Fuck yeah, I’m coming
This week’s BEEN A NIGHTMARE
I’ve been here like 18 hours/day
Two days ago a partner hung himself
Yikes
I NEED THIS
I’ll tell Seth. Should I bring coke?
Linds
Lindsay Kellogg
Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282
United States
(212) 902-1000
This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.
* * *
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Lindsay Kellogg
Subject: RE: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
PLEASE DO NOT BRING COCAINE! It’s not going to be that kind of party, it’s mostly high school language arts and history teachers. I got a piñata, which I’ve heard adults actually like. Promise me you won’t bring cocaine.
Mindy Kaling
Latin Teacher, High School
The Dalton School
108 E 89th St, New York, NY 10128
(212) 555-1445 (work)
(617) 453
-8688 (cell)
Tumblr: aromeofonesown.tumblr.com
AIM handle: LatinLover1979
—You can also catch me on Facebook—
“Since you been gone, I can breathe for the first time.”—Kelly Clarkson
* * *
From: Lindsay Kellogg
To: Mindy Kaling
Subject: RE: RE: RE: hi! And, favor.
Date: Wed, Sep 7, 2005
Yeah ok I won’t “bring any coke with me.” ;-)
I will bring Seth.
Lindsay Kellogg
Vice President, Private Wealth Advisor
Goldman, Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282
United States
(212) 902-1000
This message w/attachments (message) is intended solely for the use of the intended recipient(s) and may contain information that is privileged, confidential or proprietary. If you are not an intended recipient, please notify the sender, and then please delete and destroy all copies and attachments, and be advised that any review or dissemination of, or the taking of any action in reliance on, the information contained in or attached to this message is prohibited.
THURSDAY
From: Mindy Kaling
To: Sam Cook
Subject: Ugh
Date: Thurs, Sep 8, 2005
Dear Sam,
I hope you don’t mind me writing, but I was passing by your office and heard Henry Guilford’s parents yelling at you, even though the door was closed. I know it sounds like I was eavesdropping but I swear I wasn’t!
I just wanted to say that a) it sounded awful b) Henry Guilford is a little shit, and c) they have yelled at me too. Henry wrote an essay sophomore year on Cicero that read like a Columbia undergrad’s thesis presentation, which I’m almost certain it was. There’s no way a kid whose YouTube channel is videos of him tripping bike messengers and filming it could have written that essay.
