I hardly recognized myself! It wasn’t just my hair, although that was part of it. I hadn’t worn a dress since the night I ran away from home, but this dress was nothing like the long, loose shifts I’d grown up in. It had narrow straps that went over my shoulders, and my mother had sewn them from a different white material than the blue flowers she’d made most of the dress from. The white also outlined the top where the straps attached, and the bodice was fitted in a way that showed off the curve of my chest. The skirt flared out from my waist and ended just above my knees, and there was a narrow band of the white material sewn all around the bottom. It was the prettiest dress I’d ever seen, and for the first time, I understood how Penny could get so excited about clothes.
I want Jessie to see me in this dress, I thought. My hair curled softly around my face, and I imagined that it was somehow happy not to be scraped back into a braid for once. Maybe once it dried, I would pull it up into a puff of curls at the crown of my head, but I wanted to see what it would do if I left it alone. My chest and shoulders looked pale and blank compared to my face, but I knew that within a few hours they would be covered with freckles of their own. Kisses from the sun, Ruth called them when I was little. But I wasn’t a little girl anymore. I looked grown-up, and that made me feel grown-up.
Finally, there was a knock at the door. I had been impatient for Jessie to get there, but suddenly I felt shy. What if she didn’t like my short hair? What if she didn’t like my dress? But then I remembered what she’d said that first long day we spent together: You can still be just Ami. Just yourself . I took a deep breath and opened the door. Jessie opened her mouth like she had been ready to say something as soon as I opened the door, but whatever it was, she forgot it when she saw me.
“Ami Miles,” she said finally, “just look at you.” She stepped into the room, grabbed both of my hands, and spun me around. “You’re off the compound now, ain’t ya?” Jessie laughed, then stepped back for another look. “Your hair looks real pretty like that,” she said softly. By then it was mostly dry, and it puffed out around my face in a wild ball of curls that stopped above my shoulders. “It’s like … happy hair,” she said. I laughed and told her I had thought the exact same thing. “I guess I shoulda paid more attention at your mama’s sewing class too. I want a dress to fit me like that!”
“Well, I’m glad you appreciate the dress,” I said, smiling.
“Oh, I appreciate it, all right,” Jessie said, pulling me close. “But that dress wouldn’t look half as good on anyone else.” She reached up with one hand and lightly traced my collarbones, bared for someone else to see for the first time I could ever remember. Then she ran both hands over my naked shoulders. “Beautiful girl,” she whispered, and then she kissed me. By the time we made it out of that room, we had missed breakfast, and I’d had to get dressed all over again.
“There you two are,” said Hanna as we walked up to the work space. “We were about to give up on you!” Then she took a closer look. “Wow, Ami! You look amazing! Look at your cute hair! And that dress!” I felt my face flush bright red and looked down at the ground to try to hide it.
“Don’t be shy, Ami, you look really pretty!” This was Penny, and I smiled at her gratefully. I guess she had changed her mind about having Marcus braid her hair—she was wearing it down, so our hair looked a little alike now. She saw me look at hers and smiled.
“Y’all match!” Nina said, and it felt good to know she was right.
“All right, all right,” Will said. “Enough with the gooshy-girl lovefest over there. Let’s get this thing moving!” Everyone grabbed one of the ropes tied to the railing, and the float moved easily off the concrete pad and onto the path.
When we got to the starting area for the parade, I saw my mama and Marcus standing under the shade of a big old live oak. Penny saw me notice them and smiled at me.
“Come show Mama your hair!” she said, and before I could answer, she was pulling me by the hand. I looked back over my shoulder at Jessie, but she just waved me on.
“Look at you!” Mama exclaimed when she saw me. “I love it,” she said softly, reaching out to touch it. “It suits your face real nice. Don’t it feel good to have all that weight off you?” She was smiling because she already knew the answer. I nodded and reached up to touch it myself, still feeling a little shocked that so much of it was gone. “And your dress, do you like it?”
“I love it,” I answered honestly. “Maybe you can teach me how to make a pattern sometime. I’ve only got this dress and the few things of Amber’s that she gave me before I left. I’ll be needing some more clothes.” If I stay, I didn’t say. Was I planning on staying? Would I have that choice, or would Papa show up and drag me back to the compound?
“I would love that, Ami,” she said.
Soon it was time for the parade to begin. While I was with my family, the horses had been hitched to our float. It was the only float, as it turned out. A few other people rode horseback, and there were a handful of old bicycles and wagons, but most people just walked. Everyone was decked out in red, white, and blue. People had made crazy hats and fancy outfits, and everyone looked happy. I had never been a part of anything like it, and I loved the way the excitement was catching.
On the float, Jessie played her guitar, and we sang “America the Beautiful,” which I’d had to learn, having never heard it back home. Watching her stand tall in that float, playing and singing in front of all those people like it was nothing, she took my breath away. We rolled along, singing and waving, and I felt as full and happy as I had ever felt in my life. I still didn’t know what I should do, but I was getting an idea of what I wanted to do. It wasn’t going to be easy, and there was no way I could do it alone, but I was pretty sure I wouldn’t have to. I’m not alone, I thought, not anymore. I just wondered if there was a way I could do right by the family I’d left and still hold on to this new life I’d found.
After the parade, there was a big meal on the patio behind the lodge. It reminded me of the first day I came to Lake Point, walking out with Helen and seeing, for the first time, the miracle of all those people. Before I knew it, the sun was setting and people were lighting little smudge fires to keep the mosquitoes away. Everyone broke off into groups around each fire, and I found myself in a circle with Jessie and her guitar. It was just like the night I met her, except this time, I knew that my place was beside her. She still made my heart beat fast and filled my stomach with butterflies, but now I understood why, so I didn’t get as flustered as I had been then. We sang patriotic songs like “The Star-Spangled Banner” and “This Land Is Your Land,” but Jessie also played and sang “Little Sparrow” when I asked, and everyone called for “Good and Greasy” too.
After a while, people drifted off, back to their cabins and cottages and rooms, ready for sleep after all the excitement of the day. I was tired too, but I was hoping for time alone with Jessie. After she sang her last song and our circle broke up, she looked at me with a sleepy smile.
“Can I walk you back to your room?” she asked, and I blushed, right on cue. She laughed.
“That might be my favorite thing about you,” she teased. “You can’t hide nothin’, girl!” I shook my head, laughing, and leaned my head back to look up at the stars.
“Yeah, well,” I said, “I’m glad you think that’s funny.” She was on her feet by then, and she reached down to pull me up.
“Where do you live, anyway?” I asked as we walked.
“Well, it’s funny you should ask that,” she said, “because I’m about to need to move, I think.” I waited, quiet, until she was ready to say more. “I been living in our same cabin since my daddy died, but it’s not really right for me to stay there now that it’s just me.” I knew that most single people lived in rooms at the lodge, but it still didn’t seem right for Jessie to have to leave her home, and I said so.
“Aw, nobody’s gonna run me out; it’s nothin’ like that. I just thought, well … if everything goes okay,
Teenie and the baby and Matthew need the space more than I do.” She looked at me sideways to see my reaction.
“What about her mama?” I asked. “Doesn’t Teenie live with her now?”
“Yeah, but they’re in one of the little cottages that’s really just one bedroom. My cabin’s got two. And besides, Lurene’s got the palsy and it’s gettin’ worse. My cabin is closer to the lodge where they got the infirmary, plus Margie is just a couple doors down.”
“Margie the midwife?” I asked.
“Well, yeah, but she’s also Margie the nurse, Margie the doctor, and Margie the all-around healer,” she said, flashing me a grin. “She’ll be able to look in on Teenie, the baby, and Lurene more often this way.” We’d made it up to my room by then, and we stopped and looked at each other shyly.
“Come in?” I asked, but it was barely a question.
“You sure?” she asked. “I mean, I said I didn’t want to rush you into anything.”
“Yeah, you talk a good game,” I said, smiling, and I opened the door and pulled her in behind me.
Twenty-Six
I woke up that next morning with Jessie beside me, and just like that, I knew what I needed to do. Once I told her my plan, everything would change, so I just lay there watching her sleep until she opened her eyes and caught me. She laughed and rolled over, hiding her face.
“I wasn’t droolin’, was I?” she asked.
“Only a little,” I said, and she sat up and threw her pillow at me. I sat up to face her and hugged the pillow to my stomach, suddenly nervous.
“Uh-oh,” she said. “Serious face.” She was trying to joke, but she looked scared.
“Jessie,” I said quietly. “I need to go home.” She looked away and then back at my face, searching. “But I’m coming back,” I said quickly.
“You don’t have to say that,” she said, turning her back to me so her feet touched the floor on the other side of the bed. “I understand.”
“You don’t, though,” I said. “Come here. Please?” She twisted around until I was looking at the side of her face, but she kept one foot on the floor.
“When I came here,” I started, “I was runnin’ away. I was scared, and I had just found out my mama might still be alive, and I had no blessed idea that there could be somebody like you in the world.” She looked up at the ceiling and then back at me, letting out a shaky breath. “But now that I’ve been here,” I went on, “now that I’ve met you and felt what it could be like to have this … this whole life instead of just a little piece of one … well, I’ll never be the same. And I don’t want to be. But the way I left things at home … it’s still pullin’ on me.”
“So what does that mean, then?” she asked. “What are you gonna do?”
“I’m gonna go back and face them, Papa Solomon and my grandma Ruth, and I’m gonna take my mama and Marcus and Penny with me. And we’re gonna ask them all to come back with us.” I waited for her to laugh or to tell me I was crazy for thinking that would work, which I probably was, but she just studied my face and then nodded.
“What if they say no?” she asked.
“Then I’ll know I tried, and I’ll come back here and get on with my life,” I said. It sounded simple, but I knew it wouldn’t be.
“I wish I could go with you,” she said.
“I wish you could too. But you probably don’t want to be there when I tell my mama about us, anyway,” I said. She let out a little laugh.
“You don’t have to, Ami. I told you. There’s no rush.”
“I know I don’t have to,” I said. “Just like you don’t have to keep tryin’ to protect me.” She started to say something, but I kept going. “I heard what all you said about not having to decide my whole life right this second, and I get that now, I do. I know there’s no way I can even start to imagine all the things that might happen or how I might feel in a year or two years, or ten. But the thing is,” I said, turning her to face me the rest of the way, “right now it’s even harder for me to imagine not wanting you with me while I figure all that out.” She closed her eyes for a long second, and then opened them again.
“You talk a good game,” she said, and then she tackled me.
About an hour later, Jessie left to talk to Teenie about moving into her cabin, and I went to talk to my family. We tried to keep our goodbyes light, promising we’d see each other again soon, but we both cried anyway.
Convincing my mother to go back to Heavenly Shepherd was even harder than I expected.
“You know they won’t come, Ami,” she said. “There’s just no point to it.”
“They probably won’t,” I admitted, “not Papa and Ruth, anyway. But what about your sisters and brother? And Amber and David? They’re just wasting away on the compound when they could be here with all these people!”
“They could have come here anytime after I sent word,” she said, digging in her heels.
“No they couldn’t, Mama. Not without leaving me behind. And they don’t really know how it is here. Maybe they’re just stuck and they need us to come and, and … knock them loose,” I said, smiling at Penny.
“I want to see where you came from,” Penny put in, “you and Ami. And I want them to see how good we’re doing even though they turned us away.” She stuck out her chin, and I knew she was remembering that awful story.
“Oh, it’s just too much, girls,” my mother said, “it’s too far. How would we even get there?”
“We could take my boat,” Marcus said. We all turned to look at him, and he smiled.
“A little fishing boat isn’t gonna hold us all for a trip upriver, honey,” Mama said, “or carry any extra people back.”
“About that…,” Marcus said, “I might not have told you the whole truth about how little it is. I wanted it to be a surprise, but now I think it’s time.”
It turned out that Marcus’s little fishing boat was a big old pontoon boat that he’d patched up, with a big solar-powered motor attached to the back of it. There was plenty of room for ten people on that thing, with bench seats and a plastic roof overhead.
“I saw something kind of like this on my way here,” I said. “It was more like a big raft, but it had a motor like yours, and there were some rough-lookin’ men on it. Four of them.” Marcus nodded.
“Runners,” he said. “Probably the Barnett brothers. They live south of here.” My mother’s face was pale.
“Oh, Ami!” she said. “I can’t believe you walked all the way here by yourself. What if they’d taken you?”
“They seemed too lazy for all that,” I joked, but I still remembered how scared I’d felt when I saw them coming down the river.
“You might be right about that. I think they’d rather run moonshine up and down the river than stolen girls,” Marcus said, but his face looked troubled. “They give this place a wide berth since Helen took after them with a shotgun a couple of years ago. And they won’t like mine any better. I don’t think we’ll need to worry about them.”
The trip that took me five days to walk took only two going upriver on the boat. By the morning of the second day, I’d worked up the courage to talk to my mother about Jessie and me. We were sitting on one of the long benches that ran along the side of the boat, just watching the water roll by and not saying much while Marcus and Penny tinkered with the motor at the back.
“Mama,” I said, not wanting to have this conversation but knowing we needed to. “You know that no matter how this goes with Papa and Ruth, I’m coming back to Lake Point, right?”
“I do, but it makes me so happy to hear you say it that you can tell me again if you want.” She smiled. I smiled back and wished I could just leave it at that.
“It makes me happy too. I know we got kind of a bumpy start, but I feel like I’m doing better with understanding why you left now. Any fool can see that you and Marcus belong together, and Penny.” I looked toward the back of the boat and then down at my hands in my lap. “Well, y’all have done a real good job w
ith her.”
“Oh, Ami,” she said, and scooted closer to put her arm around my shoulders. “It means a lot to me to hear you say that. I know none of this is easy. But I don’t know if I can take too much credit for how Penny has turned out. Look how good you turned out in spite of who raised you. You’re just good girls, both of you.” She shook her head, and I could see she was trying not to cry.
“I’m glad you think so,” I said, “but you might not after what I need to tell you.” She looked up at me, surprised.
“Now what foolishness is this?” she asked. “There’s not a thing in the world you could tell me that would make me any less proud of you!”
“Even if I took it into my head to love someone in a way you thought was unnatural?” I asked, forcing myself to look at her and not down at my nervous fingers. Her eyes darkened, but she didn’t look away.
“Ami—” she started, but I held up a hand to stop her.
“Please, Mama, just let me get this out, okay? If I’m gonna come back with you and be a real family, I don’t want to start out hidin’ things because it’s easier.” She nodded, and I made myself say it. “It’s Jessie.” I expected her to look surprised, but she didn’t. She just looked sad.
“You knew?” I asked.
“Lake Point is a small place, honey,” she said with a little smile. “I didn’t really know, but I suspected. But, Ami—”
“Please don’t, Mama,” I said.
“Don’t what? Tell you how young you are? This is all so new to you; how can you really know what love is?”
“How did you know? You weren’t much older than me when you met Marcus! And you wanna hear something really funny? You sound like Jessie.” She did look surprised then. “She’s so worried about not rushin’ me and makin’ sure I really know what I want. She says my feelings could change because that’s how people are.”
The Ballad of Ami Miles Page 22
