by Fiona Starr
I’m almost afraid to ask… but what next?
So, it’s a lot of stuff piling on and making me ragey. So it isn’t all my sister, but I don’t think it hurts to put her face on the imaginary punching bag I plan to smash.
But honestly, Eliza is being totally unfair. How can my sister blame me for what’s going on back home? I shouldn’t be surprised when it comes to Eliza. She’s never been good to me, and generosity isn’t one of her strong suits. She’s always hated how close my dad and I are.
Growing up, the one thing she always had that I didn’t was magic. Now that I’m here and a fully-fledged mage in my own right, I wonder if maybe she feels like I am moving in on her turf?
At least Kate isn’t as bad. She mostly just follows with whatever Eliza’s doing, so if nothing else, I can count them as one problem. Damn. I can’t worry about my sisters right now. And no matter what Eliza thinks is going on, I think it might also be chapping her hide that it does in fact center around me. I’d laugh if it weren’t so pathetic.
I take the steps two at a time and hurry into my Magical Self Defense class. I arrive just before the bell and grab a seat on the edge of the bleachers near the door. The room is covered in thick mats, and the walls are all mirrored. My whole body tenses with anticipation of getting physical. I bunch my fists and squeeze my toes. I hope we get to do some fighting today because I really need to let off some steam.
A whistle blows and a stocky, muscular man jogs into the center of the room, he’s barefoot and wearing basketball shorts with compression shorts underneath. He’s muscular without being too bulky, and it’s clear that he takes physical fitness very seriously.
“All right class. I’m Coach Lima and this is Magical Self Defense. There are two parts to this practice. And I’ll give you a guess what they are.” He doesn’t wait for anyone to actually guess. Instead, he counts out with his fingers.
“One is magic, and two is self-defense. In this class we’re going to work on the physical aspects of defending yourself, as well as how to integrate magic into your physical practice. We all know that being physically strong helps you stay magically strong. Stamina builds stamina, as they say…”
“Don’t I know you from somewhere?” His voice is like velvet and his breath moves the tiny hairs under my ponytail, sending chills down my arms.
I don’t turn around, I just smile and look forward. “I don’t know. Have we met? I can’t place the voice…”
He hums softly and I feel his fingers touch mine, hooking the tip on my index finger with his. My heart races at the memory of last night and the tender way he played with my hands, among many other things…
“How about now?” he whispers. He’s so close I can feel the heat of his skin on mine.
I arch my neck and turn a little. I want to look at him.
Angus slides down the bleachers to sit next to me. “Hey you,” he whispers, his eyes on the coach.
“Hey you,” I reply, trying to pay attention and doing a very poor job.
Coach Lima has brought up a student volunteer to go through the forms of a defense move. I try to focus but the air is full of Angus and his hand is on the bench next to mine, his pinky wrapped around mine. I could spend hours together just playing with our hands.
Coach claps his hands. “All right, time to pair off. Shoes off. I want you to pick someone much larger or smaller than you. Ladies with gents wherever possible. This move is about equalizing power imbalances, so it’s good to start with a worthy opponent.”
We slip off our shoes and get to our feet, and he’s so close. I look up at Angus. “Are you worthy,” I say with a smile.
He bites his lip and hums. “Damn, girl. I honestly don’t know.”
A large figure steps between us, forcing Angus back a step.
I look up and I’m surprised to see Van, of all people, staring down his nose at me like always. The scent of citrus and wood fills my head, making my mouth actually water. What the hell?
I swallow that away and glower right back at him. “Excuse me,” I say, all innocence and sweetness. I have to arch my neck to maintain eye contact. I refuse to look away or blink first.
His eyes seem darker from this angle. “No need for an excuse.” He turns and speaks to Angus, who is glaring at his brother. “I’ll work with her.”
The look that passes between them is so loaded, it might take a week to unpack it all.
By the time Van turns back to me I realize the rest of the room has paired off. Angus shakes his head and turns away, tapping the arm of a guy standing near him. They move onto the mat, leaving me no choice but Van.
I look back up at him as he closes his eyes and inhales deeply. It’s as if he’s silently cursing the gods that made this his plight.
“You shouldn’t have barged in if you were that set against working with me.”
He glowers at me like he has a million things he wants to say and discards them all. “I am not against working with you.” His voice is hard and his speech clipped.
We move onto the mat and I realize I have no idea what we’re supposed to be doing. Van spots the moment of panic right away and the corner of his mouth quirks up just a little. It makes him look snide. “If you had been paying attention to the class instead of my brother…”
“Oh, so that’s it? I’m not good enough for him and it’s your job to be the romance police?”
He ignores me and takes a stance like the coach had during the demonstration. “Put your right foot back, hand up, like this.” He holds his hands out in front of him, palms facing me. Once I assume the position, he comes around behind me and pretends to be the attacker. “I’m going to grab you here.” He places his hands next to my waist but doesn’t touch me.
“I’m supposed to try to lift you, throw you to the ground. Overpower you. You need to turn around before I can do that and punch me, but not with your hand. You need to send the punch through the air, like a ball.” He mimics the movement from the coach and a ball of energy hits my shoulder. It’s a soft hit that bounces off without so much as a whisper. “Like that, you got it?”
“Ball. Got it.” I understand what he’s showing me, but I have no idea if I can actually get it done. But I take one look at his smug face and I am damn sure going to try.
I take the stance again and wait for him to get into position. I can feel him move toward me, reaching for me. Before he can make contact I spin around and throw my hand up at his face. He dodges as I thrust my hand up, imagining a ball of solid stone hurtling from my palm.
A moment later, something smashes into the mirror wall behind him. It drops to the mat and leaves a dent in the cushion. The mirror isn’t glass, it just wobbles for a moment and then goes back to normal.
Van turns to me, a look of surprise on his face. “Maybe don’t try so hard next time? You’re sending a punch, not a projectile. Let it be more instinctive.”
Oh dear lord did he just mansplain me? I grit my teeth and get back into position, bouncing on the balls of my feet.
He comes in close, faster this time, but I can sense his body behind me. His hand brushes the fabric of my shirt as I twirl away and throw my hands at him. He ducks again and I can see the punch land on his shoulder.
“That’s better. More like that.”
Rage boils up inside me. I don’t know why he gets a rise out of me like this. The first time we met there was a pop of electricity between us. His scent, the feel of his hands as he held me. I can still bring that sensation right back. I know exactly where his hands touched me that one time, the way it felt leaning back in his arms as he kept me from falling.
Van’s hands grab me and lift me off the mat. He’s so strong, there’s no point in trying to get away. He wasn’t expecting to get to me. He softens his thrust and lowers me down, turning me to face him. “What happened?”
I don’t answer, I just get back into the stance, angry that I let him get inside my head.
This time I’m ready. I feel him moving in
. He grabs hold of my hips and lifts me at the same time my magic punch lands right on his nose. His eyes flash wide and I see a momentary look of begrudging respect there, and something else, something fiery and raw that disappears are quickly as it came.
“That was good,” he says, wiping his nose and shaking it off.
“Thanks. Guess I should have used my instincts all along.” I whip a smile at him and he sees it for the taunt that it is.
He’s smiling now, and it’s wolfish and challenging. “Again?”
I nod and assume the position.
We move through the exercise a few more times, each time Van’s advance is a little stronger and my punches land a little truer. We’re breathing heavy now and both of us are sweating like crazy.
He grabs hold of my hips, I turn a second too late. He lifts me off the ground the moment my punch lands. He turns to dodge but my thrust hits him square on the jaw. He losing his footing and slips to the mat, bringing me down with him.
I land on top of him, his hands still holding me. We’re face to face and he’s blinking up at the lights. His eyes are so blue.
“Van?”
He inhales deeply and grabs my arm, pulling me off him. The feel of his bare hand on my skin sends a jolt through me. It’s just like that first time we met. He stands up, still holding my arm. I stumble to my feet and try to pull away, but he doesn’t let go. He looks into my eyes and I feel like an insect he wishes he could squash.
Whatever feeling comes over me, he doesn’t seem to notice. Does he find me that detestable? Is that one more thing I can add to the list of wrong things? Why can’t anything be normal for me right now? Why am I so drawn to this man, when I don’t even like him and he clearly can’t stand me? And why does the man whose touch feels like fire in my skin have to be the brother of the first guy I am totally into?
Every second spent thinking about this feels like a drop of kerosene on a fire. Why can’t things be normal? Why can’t I be normal? When everything else in my life is upside down, why can’t I figure out how to handle this man?
Chapter Nineteen
JOELY
Over the next few days, I don’t see Angus or Van. Well, that’s not true. I have Mage Essentials with Angus, and both Angus and Marco are in Magical Languages with me. In both classes, Angus took one look at me and turned around, making sure to put himself as far away from me as possible in each of the lecture halls. He looked really awkward. Marco made a point of saying hello, but he ended up sitting with Angus.
I don’t know what Van must have said to Angus, or if he’s said anything at all and Angus is acting on his own accord, but I can’t deny the crushing sting knowing that he is purposefully staying away.
On top of that, my mom refuses to take my calls. I texted Nessa a few times, and it sounds like she’s going to be okay. She’s home from the hospital, and she is refusing to see anyone at home. Nessa heard from the staff that it was exhaustion, and that mom has to rest and take it easy.
Nobody’s heard from my father since I left, which, according to Eliza, is also all my fault.
I’m so weary of it all, and I’m angry that everything seems to have gone to shit so quickly.
At least Nessa still talks to me. We text a lot, but even that’s getting harder somehow. It’s like we’re both trying to hang on but she no longer has the same things in common with me and we’re growing apart. I don’t want to think it, but I know that’s what is happening.
And of course, she’s dating Ash now, so that’s consuming all of her attention as well. I don’t blame her. A few days ago I was lost in a boy myself.
I keep telling myself to focus on my classes, and god knows they are pretty demanding already, but even all the work hasn’t allowed me to ignore the pang of loss I’m feeling.
Why is Angus avoiding me? I’m such an idiot, letting myself get so wrapped up in a guy so quickly. It’s stupid to feel like I’ve lost something when there really wasn’t anything there. There couldn’t have been, right? Was there? I mean, we had amazing sex, but… how close can you really get to another person after such a short time.
But it felt real.
My fingers twitch with the memory of Angus and the sweet things he said. Desire fires up inside me, followed by shame. I feel even more stupid every time I think about it.
Have I been played?
I walk out of my last class of the day and I have no idea what the lesson was even about. Good job, Joely. Way to ace your first week.
I keep working to steel myself and try to force myself to focus, but I keep getting sidetracked. My mind won’t let me shake the thought that despite all the sweet and tender things we shared, Angus was just trying to score. Fuck… I really am an idiot.
I have to get past this. I need to put my game face on and get on with my life. He’s just a guy… So I had a one-night stand, big deal. Lots of people do that. Just because it was my first one doesn’t make it special.
But it felt special to me.
Friday dinner is a big deal at Blakeborne. It’s the one time all the faculty joins the students for a meal, and Headmaster Underwood usually addresses the entire school.
Roz holds the elevator for me. “Hey, hey. You made it through your first week. How’d it go?”
“It went great. I like all my classes.” I try to stay vague.
“Oh! I found my potions notebook from last year. I’ll let you borrow it if you want. There’s a lot of stuff you need to memorize, and Professor Fester is a stickler for perfection with all those recipes.”
“That would be so awesome. I’ve only had the potions class once and it’s already a lot.”
“Girl, I totally get it. I was in your shoes last year. If Steven hadn’t shared his notes with me, I never would have passed. It’s the least I can do to pay it forward. Besides, that’s what friends are for.” She drapes her arm over my shoulder as we step out of the elevator.
Outside, the sky is cloudy and threatening rain. Roz pulls me closer. “So, you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”
I sigh and force my shoulders to loosen. “Is it that obvious?”
“Nah. Not at all. Nobody has noticed that you’re moping all over the place, daydreaming all the time, and have pretty much stopped eating. Nobody has been asking about you. Every. Single. Day.”
I reach up and hold her hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry I’m being a downer.”
“Don’t apologize. We care because we care, Joely. Now tell Auntie Roz what’s troubling you. Is it Van’s brother? The blond one with the sexy eyes?”
I nod. “Angus,” I say, and just hearing his name out loud brings it all back to the surface.
“Ah, boy trouble is the worst.”
I laugh. “Well, that isn’t all that’s happening.”
We end up sitting on a bench while everything spills out of me. I tell Roz all of it, everything that’s happened all week that I’ve kept bottled up. She reacts perfectly when I tell her that Angus has been avoiding me (what a jerk!) and when I tell her how my sister choked me in the quad (she’s always been kind of a bitch, sorry.).
When I am finally done, I feel so much lighter, despite the fact that I am no closer to a solution to any of it.
“Damn,” Roz says, shaking her head. “I don’t even know where to begin. Forgive me, but what the fuck is up with your parents not telling you that you are adopted?”
“I don’t know.”
“And the suppression thing? I’ve never heard of that before. What else did Daria say?”
“She was surprised. Said she’s going to look into it for me, see if she can remove the rest of whatever is blocking my power.”
“Do you feel like your power is blocked?” she asks.
I shrug. “I have no idea. I have nothing to compare it to. I’ve been doing okay in my classes, so I guess maybe it’s not that big a deal?”
She laughs. “I would have paid money to see you knock Van on his ass.”
My face flushes at
the memory. “It was pretty fantastic.”
“Well, that’s what he gets for interfering with my girl.”
The bell on the clock tower chimes somewhere behind us, signaling dinnertime. We get up and head to the dining hall.
Roz bumps my shoulder. “Forget about Angus. It’s his loss, and there are plenty of guys out there. After initiation we’ll start having events at the cottage. You’ll have your pick of delicious men.”
Inside the dining hall, Roz and I have to weave through the packed room to find the table where everyone has gathered. They’ve saved us seats, as usual, and I drop in between Rachel and Pepper, two of the girls who live on the second floor of Rubydown, with Alice and Mel.
I glance around and see Alice. She’s sitting with Zeke, down by Roz. There’s an empty chair next to Steven.
“Where’s Mel?” I ask. I realize I haven’t seen her in a couple of days.
Pepper shakes her head. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since Wednesday. I don’t know if she’s been sleeping in her room.”
“She was in Herbology on Wednesday,” Ryan says. “We were partners for the lab.”
“She wasn’t in Alchemy this morning,” Georgia adds.
Alice’s face goes white. “Has anyone seen Mel since Wednesday?”
Pepper’s eyes go wide as the tone of the conversation changes. “I assumed she was staying with Phipps, at his place. He and a couple of the rugby guys have a house off campus this year.”
I remember the big red-haired guy who delivered my note from Daria. Alice gets to her feet and scans the room, then marches over to a table near the wall. She talks to Phipps and his friends and then comes back, looking like she’s seen a ghost. “Phipps had lunch with her on Wednesday. Hasn’t seen her since.”
