“I believe you two love each other. I think you always have, and that you repressed those feelings because you also loved Sam. When she died, you ran. Away from here. Away from us. You also ran away from Jay, the one person who you should have been running toward. You didn’t because you think Sam would be pissed. You feel like you betrayed her by falling in love with Jay, but what you don’t realize is that she wouldn’t have been angry with you. If she had known how you both felt, she would have stepped aside.
“Did she love him? Yes, but it wasn’t the kind of love I feel for Spence. It wasn’t the ‘I want to marry you and have ten kids and grow old with you’ kind of love. It was fun and exciting, and he made her feel special.”
Would she have understood?
Maybe in the beginning, if we’d been honest with her. That first night when she introduced us. If I’d come clean and confessed I’d met Jay before. That I found him attractive. That there was an undeniable chemistry between us. But not after two years, though. Not after all the pretending we did. All the lies of omission.
I let Mia’s words sink in as I think back over the last few weeks I spent with Sam before she was killed, searching my mind for any clues that she knew what was going on. That she saw more than I thought she did.
She talked a lot about Jay those few weeks. Asking my opinion on the situation. She always came to me for relationship advice, though. That wasn’t abnormal.
Did I give myself away with my answers?
“He’s acting strange again. I asked him if he wanted to go to the late showing at the theater last night and he never texted me back. I ended up going by myself, sitting in the back row, and crying through what was supposed to be a thriller.”
My gut is to laugh at the vivid image my mind has concocted of Sam bawling while someone on the screen is being chased with a chainsaw, but I hold it in. Tuck it down deep. Just like the rest of my feelings. Because right now she needs her best friend. She needs a shoulder to cry on.
“Why’d you go alone?” I ask, already knowing the answer. If Sam wants to do something, she doesn’t need anyone to do it with her. She’ll go alone, no matter how pathetic she might think it looks.
“You were working. Plus, I wasn’t really alone. I mean, there were other people there, I just wasn’t sitting with them. Well, Ben did come over to check on me when he saw I was crying. He didn’t say anything, just handed me a box of tissues and offered to refill my popcorn for me.”
“The owner?” I know exactly who she’s talking about.
“Yeah. I dated his younger brother in high school for a little while. I was a freshman, and Brandon was a senior. He was the smart one, and Ben was the screw up back then. Ben was good at sports but not much else. I was surprised when he took over the business for his parents when his dad got sick a few years ago. If Brandon and Ruth hadn’t bought the Hideaway, I bet Brandon would have taken over the theater.”
“That was nice of him to check on you, but next time, don’t go to the movies alone. Just come see me at work or something if you want to hang out. You know Mindi will break all the rules and let you sit at the bar and drink as long as Riley’s not there.”
Riley’s never there anymore. Not past five in the afternoon anyway. If Mindi is in the building, she runs the show. Hell, she runs the show even if Riley is around. Everyone knows it.
“You never hang out anymore,” Sam complains, tossing the magazine she’s been browsing through on my coffee table before running her fingers through her hair. The tips are teal right now. She said my new chair inspired the change. The chair she’s sitting in even though it’s the most uncomfortable piece of shit I’ve ever owned. “It’s like I’m cursed. You’re busy with school and Jay’s busy tearing apart every computer he can get his hands on. What happens when both of you graduate in a few months? I’m going to be left here with no friends.”
“Mia and Spence are going to be here.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to point this out.
“Is that your way of telling me you won’t be here?”
I haven’t confirmed I’m leaving but I’ve never tried to hide the fact either. My plan was never to stay in Great Falls. I came here for school, and with a degree in psychology, it’ll be easy to find a job back home. Here? Not so much.
“You know I’ve always planned to go back to LA for work. It’ll be easier to get a job there than here.”
“Jay’s already said he’s planning on going back to Virginia.” My back stiffens at the mention of him leaving and I avert my eyes back toward my laptop.
Did she catch the slight shift? Was she looking in my direction? I really hope not. I used to be good at hiding my reactions from her but after three months of spending time apart, I’m starting to slip.
“This town doesn’t have much to offer beyond an education. Don’t take it personal, Sam. You can always come visit; you know that. It’ll give you an excuse to travel. You love going on epic adventures.”
I use her own words against her and I don’t even feel bad about it. She showed up at my apartment in the middle of me studying for a test on my night off. A test she knows is a big chunk of my final grade. It can make or break this class for me. As much as I’ve been using school as an excuse, I was actually busy tonight.
“Right. Epic adventures.” Her voice lacks emotion, but I don’t bother to look up, avoiding eye contact with her so she doesn’t see through my lies. What I’m really worried about is her seeing the guilt in my eyes.
“How much longer do you have? Want to take a break and walk over to Jay’s apartment with me? Maybe if we show up together we can get him to take a break from whatever he has his hands on and spend time with us.”
His hands have been on me, I think to myself.
I want to say the words aloud. To confess my sins to her. Instead, I shake my head and keep my eyes trained on the screen in front of me. The words are blurring together the harder I stare, my thoughts drifting to the fact Jay is leaving after graduation.
Not just leaving Great Falls. Leaving Sam.
My gut tells me that if she didn’t know, she suspected something. She had to. Sam wasn’t stupid, and we were both acting distant.
Taking my hand, Mia gives it a little squeeze. “She loved you, Andi. You were her best friend. She would want you to be happy. She wouldn’t resent you for falling in love with Jay. And, most of all, she would want you to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them. Someone who can help you heal from your loss. Who understands you and accepts you for the person you are.”
Mia’s given me a lot to think about at a time where I already have enough running through my mind. Yes, I can hear everything she’s saying. I believe her. She may be the only other person who knew and understood Sam as well as I did. That doesn’t make the guilt any less palpable.
Or my heart any less broken.
It’s beat for Jay for years, and as much as I’d like to hold onto the way I feel when I’m in his arms, I don’t know if I’m strong enough. No matter how you spin it, it still feels like betrayal.
All I can do is nod my head, over and over again, as Mia stares at me, waiting for me to reply. The words won’t come. I can’t even muster the strength to agree or disagree with her.
Instead, I stand and turn toward the entrance to the park. Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, I put on a brave face and put one foot in front of the other.
Maybe in another life we could have been together.
Perhaps if I’d met him first.
If he’d chosen me over Sam the night she introduced us.
People like to use the phrase ‘what a difference a day makes’.
Sometimes it’s not even a day. One single defining moment can change everything.
It doesn’t do me any good to dwell on the past, on the what-ifs. Nothing will change what happened back then and the past has brought us to this point right now. Standing inside of the park where my best friend was murdered. Where I’ll stand next to
the man that was her boyfriend when she died, hold his hand, and listen as her mother shares stories of her only daughter.
As I slide up next to Jay, he wraps his arm around me, kissing the top of my head. He’s still sweaty from the race, the light gray shirt he wore this morning now splattered with dark splotches, clinging to his chest.
He needs another shower, and I will gladly volunteer to wash his back. And every other part of him.
Because in twenty-four hours, I’m going to lose him all over again. He’ll head back to wherever he lives now, and I’ll be on a plane to LA. It’s our last official night together and I plan to make the most out of it. I’m going to ignore the guilt that feels like it’s crushing my soul.
“Anyone want coffee?” Spence asks, appearing in front of us freshly showered.
“Yes, please,” I say, jumping away from Jay as if we were caught sucking face instead of cuddling.
Spence raises an eyebrow at me but doesn’t call me out, instead motioning for me to follow him when both Mia and Jay decline his offer. Not before he shares a knowing look with Mia though. Not before I catch her hint of a smile.
As the crowd thins around us, I notice a few vendors set up near the playground. Large banners cover the front of the tables, extension cords winding through the grass behind them. We’re headed straight for the Java Bean’s table.
“Two mochas, please,” Spence say when it’s our turn to order, handing over cash to one girl as the other starts making our drinks.
The cashier winks at Spencer when she hands him back his change, but he doesn’t appear to notice. He drops a few singles in the tip jar and takes my elbow, leading us to a bench to wait for our order.
“Did Mia talk to you?” he asks once we’re seated.
“You know damn well she did. I think you guys are tag teaming us.”
“We may have a plan.”
“What’s the bet this time?”
“No bet, Beauty Queen. This isn’t about being right or wrong. We’re both on the same side. We want you two to be happy.”
There are many sides to Spencer, but he generally only shows one. He’s the funny guy. The prankster. The one who would bet on anything against anyone, even if the odds were stacked against him. He makes light of all situations and tries not to take life too seriously.
Right now, he’s using an authoritative voice with me. One that makes me feel small beneath his stare. If this is how he is with suspects when interrogating them, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has an impeccable record for confessions.
“I appreciate what you two are trying to do,” I state, standing when they call our order, “but save yourself the trouble. Let’s just enjoy the last day we have together. I’m almost finished with the profile and I’m meeting with the chief tomorrow at noon on my way out of town. You should be there. I want you to hear it. Then, I’m headed back to Cali. Back to the life I’ve built there. I’ll miss you guys. This town will always hold a special place in my heart, but I won’t be coming back.
“It’s too much to take. Too many memories around every corner, and though ninety-nine percent of them are good memories, the end result is still the same. My heart breaks all over again. The day I found out she was killed slaps me across the face and I’m right back to where I started. Mourning the loss of my best friend.”
“But—”
“Spence, I love you. You’re a great friend, and I promise to call more often. You and Mia can come visit me in LA but as far as everything else goes, I’m leaving it all here. I’m moving on. Letting go as best I can. It might not be what I want but it’s what I need.”
Spence only nods as he hands me my mocha, wraps his arm around my shoulder, and guides us back into the crowd in search of the rest of our group. My tribe. The people I’ll always be able to turn to because they’re the only other people who understand what I’ve been through.
Chapter Sixteen
“As an only child, Sam knew how to get what she wanted from me. We didn’t have a lot of money and I was always working, but it was almost as if she knew when to ask. I’d come home from work after a twelve-hour shift, be ready to close my eyes from exhaustion, and this ray of sunshine would walk in the room with a huge smile on her face and strike.” Summer chuckles at the memory as tears begin to form in my eyes.
I’d seen Sam work her magic on Summer on more than one occasion.
“I couldn’t tell her no, even when I should have. The way her smile grew, lighting up the room, was what I lived for. Every day of my life I lived for that child. To make her happy. To hear her laugh. To watch her grow into the vibrant, young woman she was. The last conversation I had with Sam was about her hair. If you knew her well, you knew how much she loved to experiment. She was ready for her friends to get back from spring break so she could change her hair. Again.
“She was debating between hot pink and dark blue. We were fighting over which color she should go with and, per usual, Sam decided she could make the decision for us by flipping a coin. Heads she would go blue, tails pink. When it landed on heads she frowned and said she had to do best of three or it didn’t count. She wanted to get her way, but she wanted luck to be on her side as well.
“You see, she believed in things like that. Luck. Fate. She believed that things happened for a reason. And at that moment, that if her hair was meant to be pink, the coin would land on tails twice. Of course, it did. She kissed me on the cheek and bounced out of the house minutes later, heading in for her shift at Riley’s.”
Summer pauses, and I let out the breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. I wasn’t there for their conversation, but I could picture it in my mind. The frown on Sam’s face when the coin landed on heads. The joy when pink was the ultimate winner. The pep in her step as she walked to work.
The little victories brought her the most joy.
“If I had known that would have been the last time I would see my daughter, I would have hugged her a little tighter. Held her longer. Kissed her one last time. I would have poured my entire heart into that good-bye. But, like Sam, I also believe everything happens for a reason. That even though it hurts, her death was not in vain. It was meant to happen and there was nothing we could do to stop it.
“It’s hard to hold onto that feeling after all this time. Without knowing who or why. Without closure. But for Sam, I’m holding on. I’m trying my best to wake up every day and live the life I’ve been given. To believe that fate is still at work. That even though I don’t understand it, her death has a significance we’ve yet to figure out.”
Summer closes her eyes for a moment, her hand visibly shaking as she holds the microphone to her mouth. Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m standing next to Summer on the stage, taking her other hand in mine and giving it a squeeze.
“Sam would have been so proud of you,” she says into the microphone, but her words are directed at me. “She’s smiling down on all of us, guiding us each and every day. Toward our futures. Toward our destiny. But you, Andrea, she’s walking by your side. I know it. You were the sister she always wanted. Her other half. When you two were together, you couldn’t tell where one of you ended and the other began. It was as if you were one person. Fate brought you together. She told me that once. She was feeling lost, and you walked in the door and everything felt right again.
“I may have lost my biological daughter five years ago today, but I’m grateful I still have you. I’m grateful for all of Sam’s friends. Without Spencer and Mia, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am. There are days I wasn’t able to pull myself out of bed, and there they were, forcing me to go on. A mother’s grief is indescribable. I don’t wish it on my worst enemy. No one should ever have to bury their child, but if the unfortunate happens, I pray they have a family of people who love them to pull them through.”
Tears are freely streaming down my face when Summer faces the crowd again. They’re all staring at me but the only person I see is Jay, standing in the back, smiling at me with tears g
listening in his eyes.
“Before we reveal the fountain,” Summer continues, gesturing to the large object covered in a black sheet next to me, “I’d like to thank the community of Great Falls for rallying around me. For caring about my daughter as if she was their own. For helping in every way in an attempt to find out who did this to her. To bring justice for Sam. We will find out one day, and it will be because the love we all have for her kept us going. Pushing forward.”
Summer turns off the mic, dropping her arm at her side, as she nods to Spencer who’s moved to stand next to the statue. He gives the covering a tug, and the black sheet falls away, revealing a large sculpture. Four thin, stainless-steel beams bending and twisting around each other, reaching toward the sky. It stands in the middle of a large, square basin that’s filled with water.
Moments later, the water begins to move, shooting straight up through the four beams. The water rides back down on the steel, causing it to shimmer in the early afternoon light.
It’s gorgeous. A great representation of Sam and the way she touched everyone around her with her light.
“Thank you all so much for coming out today to celebrate Sam’s life. She would have been touched to know you all care. Please feel free to throw a coin in the fountain and make a wish. I’d like to believe Sam will make an effort to grant it for you.”
The crowd applauds Summer as she waves at them when they begin dispersing—some toward the vendors, others to get a better look at the fountain. I’m frozen in place, watching as everyone goes on with their lives. Knowing a life was taken in this very spot five years ago, the weight of why I’m here pressing against my chest.
The urge to run is overwhelming. To get in my rental car and never look back. Change my phone number and disappear. To curl up under the covers of my bed and cry the way I have for the last few years.
But you can’t outrun your past. It’s bound to catch up to you. The memories can’t be erased. They travel with you wherever you go. They’re a part of you, ingrained in you. They’ve made me who I am today.
A Moment Too Late Page 14
