by Jones, Heath
All I can think is – wow! Was Storm trying to assassinate the emperor - is that why she was escaping over the walls of the Royal District? If she was, why did she fail? And why didn’t she tell us? We could have learned so much about the layout of the Royal Palace, how the emperor is guarded, all manner of things. My head is swimming with questions, and the frustration of knowing Storm could have prepared us so much better for what lies ahead of us. It saddens me to realise I didn’t know her as well as I thought I did.
“Don’t be discouraged,” Vahla says.
“Who says I’m discouraged?” I snap defiantly.
“Your face does,” he replies.
“But…but Storm never told me any of this!”
“Why would she?”
“Because…” Because we’re going to assassinate the emperor. But I can’t tell Vahla that. Instead, my mouth hangs open with no words coming out of it.
“Look,” Vahla says, his voice gentle, “if Storm chose not to confide in you about everything she’s ever done, why should that trouble you? You have your own choices to make, just like she did. For what it’s worth, I don’t believe she regretted any of the choices she made.”
“Unlike her,” I say, sighing, “I’m not making many good ones.”
“I don’t know,” Vahla says. “It seems to me like you’re doing okay.”
I look up at him, surprised. “A compliment,” I say teasingly, “from Vahla Jyn?”
“I must be growing sentimental,” he says, his voice ringing with sarcasm.
I’m shocked to hear the sound of my own laughter. I haven’t heard it for too long. “Thank you,” I say to the man whom, I’ve discovered, has a heart buried deep beneath his cynicism. I never noticed how much more there was to Vahla Jyn. But then, how would I, if I never took the time to look?
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
I spend the next few days like the ones before - trying to avoid everyone. But even in my self-imposed seclusion, I still notice the simmering tensions in the others. Dain is brusque with everyone, even Rose, who is beginning to show a temper I didn’t know she possessed. Theolin has given up whatever compassionate misgivings she had for me and has reverted to her old, disdainful self. Alek is chaffing at the delay in obtaining our permits. He is so desperate to get on with the assassination attempt that he has suggested more than once that we simply storm the walls of the Royal District and be done with it. No one is immune from the strain we are all under. Even Aveline and Jarryd, usually so harmonious together, are strangely distant, almost wary of one another.
I disengage from them, and they in turn from me. Some, friends from my youth, the others, friends newly discovered. It doesn’t feel right, but what does? Everything is changing.
But it is with Jarryd that things are most awkward. He tries to talk to me on a few occasions, but each time I ignore him and walk away. I know I’m being rude, and my actions obviously don’t go unnoticed. Aveline especially is watching me. No doubt she is disappointed by my mean-spirited behaviour, but thankfully she doesn’t say anything to me.
Everywhere I go, I imagine Jarryd is following me. That he could be lurking somewhere nearby in the shadows infuriates me, yet I still search those shadows, hoping for a glimpse of him, and that infuriates me further.
At night, when we are all back in our upper room in The Den, I sit by myself and listen as the others tell of their failure to find another way into the Royal District. I haven’t told them that my failure is worse than all of theirs, as I could have had the permits from Karadik. Thankfully it seems that Jarryd and Vahla have both kept my secret.
Three days after my embarrassment with Karadik, the others are grumbling that I’m not doing my share of the work, so I have no choice but to walk the rounds with Aveline. We tread the same paths, cover the same smooth-paved streets and cobbled alleys we have grown all too familiar with. It is nothing more than a habit now – none of us hold any hope of finding another way into the Royal District, but there is nothing left for us to do.
Aveline is as reluctant to talk as I am, so we walk mostly in silence. When we do speak, it is about fanciful ways of getting into the Royal District. Even then there is no enthusiasm in either of us. Our friendship has deteriorated, and it is all because of me.
I wonder how much she knows, or how much she suspects. Aveline certainly isn’t a fool. She sees the awkwardness between Jarryd and I. Does she have any idea of the depth of my betrayal?
“I know what you feel for him,” Aveline says suddenly.
Lost in my own thoughts and not really listening, I ask, “Feel for who?”
Her silence forces me to look towards her. Seeing the knowing look in her eyes, realisation suddenly dawns on me, and it strikes me deeper than Theolin’s barbed words ever could.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, turning my face away. “I didn’t mean to, it just…” I can’t go on. Aveline has been nothing but a friend to me, and now my betrayal is finally laid bare before her. I’m about to run when she lays a hand on my shoulder.
“I never meant to either,” she replies gently. “That’s the thing about Jarryd. Easily overlooked, but eventually, the qualities that make him who he is, draw you to him.”
Her words dare me to look back at her. Instead of anger, there is a wistful smile on her face that I simply don’t understand.
“How did you know?” I ask.
“I see how you look at him,” she answers, “the way you speak with him, the way you hang on his every word.”
“I’m sorry,” I say again, even weaker than before. “Truly Aveline - ”
She interrupts me. “And I see…” She takes a deep breath before adding, “I see the way he looks at you too.” What… what does that mean? “He weighs your words and values them all. Jarryd has always been quieter than others, yet somehow, you draw him out of himself. He grows more confident the longer he is around you. Or at least, that’s how it was until a few days ago.”
There’s an unspoken question in her words. I don’t want to answer it, but I owe her the truth. “I went to see Karadik. I was prepared to do… whatever it took to get our permits. I failed though, and I couldn’t go through with it. By the time I realised that it was too late. Karadik had me trapped in his office. Jarryd… apparently Jarryd had followed me. He disturbed us, and Karadik decided to let me go. If it hadn’t been for Jarryd…”
Aveline slowly nods her head. “He followed you because he cares for you. You know he does, but you’ve avoided him ever since. Why?”
Tears fill my eyes. “Because you’ve only ever been a friend to me, and I’ve betrayed you!”
“How have you betrayed me?” Aveline asks, incredulous.
“Aveline, I love him!” It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. It’s the first time I’ve even admitted it to myself. “I love him,” I repeat, quieter. “I’m sorry.”
Aveline is quiet, and I can imagine the anger she must be feeling toward me. “You can’t help what you feel,” she says. The gentleness in her voice surprises me. “Neither could I. Sara, you haven’t betrayed me. You are only being true to your feelings. I can’t hold that against you.”
Her words are intended to soothe, yet they are another reproach, showing me how far beneath her I am. I’ve betrayed her and she responds with gentleness and calm dignity. I can’t bear any more. “Stop Aveline, please. I’m not going to do anything, I promise. He’s yours, and I’m not going to come between you - ” Her sudden laugh halts my flow of words. “What?”
“I don’t own him,” she says. “But I can see his heart is torn. I love him so much… I only want the best for him.” She sighs, shakes her head. “He has to understand his own heart, then follow it. If his choice leads him away from me, towards you… I will be devastated.”
Devastated – the word strikes me like a blow. How could I have done this?
“I will be devastated,” Aveline repeats, “but only for a while. Then I’ll move on. And I hope that I will eventually be happy
for you both.”
She… she would be happy? How? How could she possibly be happy for me when I have betrayed her, wounded her so deeply? How can I answer that? Does she really mean it? The way she is looking at me, sadness mixed with… tenderness, tells me that she does. “Aveline… I don’t know what to say. Only… only… I wish I were more like you. I don’t deserve your friendship.”
Her laugh, gentle though it is, is like a dagger through my heart. “You wish you were more like me?” she asks. “Why?” It’s then that I realise her laughter isn’t mocking. If anything, she seems… confused.
“Aveline,” I reply, tears welling up again in my eyes, “don’t you know the type of person you are?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks, raising her eyebrows.
“You… you are just so strong! Your courage shames me, you don’t allow anyone to force you into being anything other than yourself. You don’t care about what people think of you. You’re… you. And you lead us – you’ve led us ever since we met in Tolos. Aveline, you are the truest friend I have ever had, and I would follow you anywhere.”
She is quiet for a long while, watching me. I can only imagine what thoughts must be going through her mind. Most of them, I’m sure, revolve around my foolishness.
“Sara,” she begins, “I understand myself well enough. It is you, I think, who doesn’t understand your own worth. It was your bravery that saved us from the pirates - ”
“Oh, don’t bring that up,” I interrupt. “I wasn’t being brave. I was scared! I saw the way you were all fighting, trying to hold off the pirates, while I was at the back, terrified! But I knew I had to do something to help. That’s why I climbed across to their ship. Not because I was brave, it was because I didn’t want you to think I was useless.”
Aveline slowly shakes her head. “Do you really believe that?”
“I’m a fake, Aveline,” I whisper. “I’m not strong, I’m not courageous, and I’m not as skilful as you seem to think I am. Do you know how fearful I am of the day you all find that out? Especially you and…” I stop before I say his name.
“And Jarryd?” Aveline finishes for me, with a wry smile. She isn’t fooled.
I lower my eyes, ashamed. “Yes, and Jarryd,” I admit.
“Sara,” Aveline says, compassion filling her voice, “we all doubt ourselves. I’m the daughter of a mayor, so I’m used to people looking to me for advice, for direction. But I’m not always confident I’ll make the right choices for myself, let alone for others. So… I have to act as though I am certain about my decisions. Otherwise, people will go elsewhere for advice, and that’s not a good thing to happen to a mayor’s daughter.” She sighs, smiles ruefully. “You’re right, people do follow where I lead. I wish they didn’t, because I’m not a leader. But I’ve learned to accept it, and to be who I am.”
“That’s not true. How can you doubt yourself?” I ask, incredulous.
“It’s just part of who I am,” Aveline replies. “But Sara…” she stops, seemingly uncertain of her words. She watches me for a moment before continuing. “Watching my father, I learned that people will follow someone only if they believe them worthy of following. Sometimes, however, they follow another’s path because they are too afraid to choose their own. And when they do that, they lose a part of themselves.” She looks at me intently. “Don’t be like that, Sara. You find your own path, your own way to shine. Don’t waste yourself following mine.”
Does Aveline really feel like that? I don’t understand how she could. She sounds too much like… me.
“If you’re anything like me,” Aveline says, “you have a little voice inside your head constantly saying you’re not good enough.” My head turns at that – she really… is like me. “Don’t listen to it. Examine yourself, be honest with yourself, then tell yourself the truths you discover.”
“Does it work for you?” I ask.
“Sometimes,” she replies with a wry smile. “Sara, there’s a reason Jarryd has… developed feelings for you. You speak of your admiration for me. Well, that goes both ways. I think of you as one of my closest friends. And I consider your friendship an honour. Don’t look down on yourself, and don’t compare yourself to me. We’re different, and in many ways, you’ve already surpassed me so the comparison won’t be favourable to me.”
“I’ve surpassed you? How?”
“Your honesty, for one,” she replies. “And your abilities. If we are to succeed here in Malikaran, it will be on the back of your skills.”
I’m silent for a time, absorbing what she has said, and Aveline is content to leave me to my thoughts. I don’t believe everything she has said. Part of her is probably just wanting to make me feel about myself. But a small part of me hopes there is truth in what she is saying. And she calls my friendship with her an honour?
“Thank you,” I say, after a long while. Then, despite everything that may still come between us, I wrap my arms around her and hug her tightly. “You’re a gem, Aveline,” I whisper.
“Not worth nearly so much as the ones I still have hidden, I expect,” she replies, a trace of humour back in her voice.
A smile begins to light my face, but then it freezes. The gems! “I’ve been so stupid,” I say. “Aveline, I’m going to need one of your gems.”
I wait outside Karadik’s office, perfectly composed. It is a far cry from the last time I was here. What I’m attempting could still prove perilous, but I don’t think so. In our upper room of The Den, we’d discussed this possibility many times, but the decision was always the same. Attempting to bribe an official in Malikaran is not only useless, we agreed, it is also the height of stupidity. The only outcome would be prison or worse. But what if that official, I now wonder, is in debt? Not just a small debt, but a horrible, crippling debt, barely kept at bay by the generosity of an illegal gambling house. The titbits I’ve gleaned from Vahla paint a fuller picture of the man I’m about to see. After the obligatory wait, of course.
Eventually the familiar, “Come in,” resounds from the office. The Peace Bringer opens the door and I stroll in and sit at the desk, opposite Karadik.
The Captain looks up at me and sighs. “Yes?” he asks, not even trying to disguise his annoyance.
“I want those permits,” I say imperiously.
Karadik sighs. “My dear girl, I believe we’ve had this conversation before. Many times, in fact. You know the constraints I am under. One of which is time, something you continue to deprive me of.”
Taking Aveline’s gem out of my pocket I place it on the table in front of him. Karadik’s eyes nearly fall out of their sockets, and he stares at the gem as though it were worth more than life itself.
“I’m sure we can come to an arrangement,” I say.
“Are you trying to bribe me?” Karadik blusters indignantly. He spoils his own act, however, by not being able to pry his eyes away from the gem. “I am above such base considerations.”
A calculating gleam appears in his eye as he looks at me, and I’m suddenly assailed by a stab of fear. It’s all I can do to keep the growing panic off my face as I realise the danger of my rashness. I’d placed my hopes on Karadik’s debts being so mountainous as to place his reputation and career on the verge of ruin. Then, seeing his salvation in the gem, he would be consumed with such overwhelming relief that he would grant me the permits. But I’ve ignored one simple fact - he could have me arrested and thrown into prison right now, and still keep the gem.
He looks again at the gem, then up at the door. My heart is racing and sweat beads on my forehead. I know, with sinking certainty, that he is about to call the Peace Bringers.
“How could you possibly think such a thing of me?” I say sweetly, furiously trying another tact. His mouth, half-open, closes as he turns his eyes back on me. “I would never dream of compromising you, Captain. Everyone knows your reputation for integrity. No, I had merely hoped that we could be of assistance to one another.” I take a deep breath – it’s time to m
ake my gamble. “Debt is a horrible thing for a man of honour,” I say. “You were kind to me last time I was here, and you didn’t take advantage of my… weakened disposition.” He nods ever so slightly, obviously agreeing with the praise I am lavishing on him. “I would simply like to offer you this gift,” I continue, motioning towards the gem, “so it will relieve you of other burdens that must weigh heavily on you, and prevent you from performing your duties at the speed you desire.”
Karadik looks once more at the gem, then briefly at the door, before returning his gaze to the gem. He’s wavering. The gem provides him a solution to his debt, and my offer a way of maintaining his self-delusion of being an honourable man. But is he an honourable man? I’m staking more than just my life on the hope that he is – or rather, that he thinks he is. I wait, trying to remain calm, but my breath stops, knowing that his next words will seal my fate.
Finally, he looks at me, a faint smile on his lips. “Yes, my dear girl, I would like to conduct my investigations and process the mountain load of permit applications in a timelier manner.” He taps his chin, thoughtfully, as he strolls around the table. Without breaking stride, he subtly reaches out and picks up the gem, then hurriedly pockets it. “Guards!” he calls out.
I jump out of my chair as the door opens. The Peace Bringers walk in and eye me suspiciously. I look around despairingly for another way out of the room, but there is only the window, and Karadik is now standing in front of it. He turns to me but speaks to the nearest Peace Bringer as he says, “Fetch me Miss Fairgrey’s permit application. She and her companions would like to visit some friends in the Royal District.”
“Of course, Captain,” the Peace Bringer replies, then leaves the room.
I’m stunned. I can’t believe what I’ve just heard. I was expecting to be arrested, to have to fight. But now, after waiting in vain for so long, Karadik is giving me the permits! My knees buckle with the sudden surge of relief, and I have to steady myself against the desk to avoid collapsing to the floor. Karadik watches me, an amused half-smile on his lips. Even in my moment of victory, I can’t help looking like a complete fool.
