‘It’s fine, Anna. We have a couple of hours until I have to be in church and we like a leisurely breakfast on a Sunday before work. Is everything okay?’
I shook my head, taking a sip of the coffee to try to find the words. ‘To be honest, no.’
‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, immediately concerned.
I thought I should start with the easier part. ‘Do you know anything about Cameron?’
He looked surprised again. ‘I know him a little bit, why?’
‘We sort of… got slightly close,’ I said, not wanting to tell my brother I’d slept with him. ‘But then he said he couldn’t be with me because something had happened at uni. Something he blamed himself for.’ I took a deep breath. ‘It’s really unsettled me. Because I’m not sure what he means but also because I blame myself for the past too. I’ve kept it to myself for so long. But I felt this connection with him and I can see he’s pushing people away and I know I do the same thing, and I want to be able to stop but how can I after what I did?’ The words all came out in a shaky rush. I had to stop to gasp in a breath.
‘Slow down, Anna,’ Brodie said, gently. ‘What are you trying to tell me?’
I shook my head. Now I was here, I wasn’t sure I could tell him anything. ‘Okay, let’s talk about Cameron then.’ I nodded, relieved. ‘Cameron came to talk to me not long after he returned from university, before he took the job at Hilltop. He was haunted by what had happened to his girlfriend.’ Brodie sighed. ‘I don’t want to betray his confidence, Anna, but this has obviously distressed you. She died in a car accident and he feels a lot of misplaced guilt about it. I think you should talk to him. I couldn’t make him see that it wasn’t his fault. Maybe you can. But I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t think he’s ready to move on just yet.’
I nodded, taking that all in. ‘A car accident?’ We really do have so much in common. I wished, though, we didn’t have that in common.
‘Yes. Has it made you think about yours?’ he asked, gently.
‘Why do we never talk about it?’ I blurted out.
‘We thought it would upset you, I suppose.’ He looked so confused. ‘We can talk about it, though. I’m always here for you, I hope you know that.’
‘Only because you feel you have to be, as my brother, as a minister…’
‘Because I want to be.’
He said it so firmly, so sincerely, I looked up and met his eyes. ‘Why, when you know what I did?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘The accident,’ I whispered. I tried to swallow away the lump in my throat but it wouldn’t budge. My eyes filled with tears that burned. ‘I still feel so guilty.’
‘What have you got to feel guilty about?’ Brodie asked me, gently.
‘When Cameron said it was all his fault, I was shocked but I understood because I know that my accident was all my fault too.’
Chapter Twenty-Six
‘What are you talking about?’ Brodie cried as he reached out to touch my arm. ‘Why on earth would you think that?’
‘Because I was distracting Dad when it happened. I was arguing with him. I took off my seatbelt and he turned to help me, to talk to me, to make me see sense, and then suddenly the other car was on our side of the road. He had no time to swerve or get out of the way. It was my fault that he couldn’t stop it. That the car hit us.’ I let out a sob deep from the back of my throat. ‘It’s all my fault that we got hurt, and that other driver… He died.’ For the first time in years, I let the tears flow in front of my brother.
‘No,’ Brodie said so sharply that I looked up in surprise. He took my hand in his and squeezed it tightly. ‘I can’t believe you think that. That driver was drunk, Anna. His car skidded in the rain on the road and he couldn’t control it. He was going too fast. He ended up on the wrong side of the road. He was driving so fast that there was no way Dad could have reacted in time. It was his fault, Anna. Not yours. My god. Have you really believed that it was? For all these years? Why didn’t you say something?’
‘Because I thought you all hated me,’ I said, shocked. ‘He was drunk? You never told me that.’
‘But the police, they talked to all of us,’ Brodie said, confused. ‘They didn’t tell you?’
‘I got upset and the doctor told them to leave. My therapist kept telling me I had no need to feel guilty but I didn’t believe her, and I couldn’t bear to tell her what I’d done. And none of you wanted to talk about it. I thought… And then Dad stopped me going to the inquest.’
‘He wanted to spare you the pain. He wanted to protect you, not to upset you. We all did. I can’t believe you didn’t know the truth. Anna, is this why you stay away from us, from your home?’
I buried my head in my hands.
Brodie wrapped his arms around me and I stiffened but after I moment, I opened my arms and hugged him back. We held each other tightly as I tried to get my tears under control. All the years I’d felt so guilty and ashamed. I thought my family didn’t want me in their life. ‘It really wasn’t my fault?’ I said, finally, looking up, wiping my tears away.
‘I swear on God, on my family, on my unborn child… Anna, it wasn’t your fault. And we want you here. We love you. We always have. We want to have you in our lives, to know you, to be there for you. We want to take care of you.’
‘Why didn’t I know?’ I said, shaking my head. I’d had to write a statement for the inquest but I’d just written that I didn’t remember anything clearly. I’d lied to the police out of fear and shame. And so much guilt. If only I’d spoken my fears aloud to someone, I could have saved myself years of running, of hiding, of being haunted by the past.
‘Dad felt so guilty too. He used to talk to me about it. He thought he should have been able to do something. Both of you felt guilty but you shouldn’t have. Neither of you could have done anything. I promise you that.’
‘I always felt angry with you,’ I admitted then. ‘That you thought my accident had given you a second chance, and a purpose, in life, when I felt the opposite.’
‘God saved you that day, Anna. I believe that and I know He did it for a reason, even if you were unable to see it. I hope maybe you can start to see it now. You are special. You always have been.’
‘I felt so restless afterwards. Like I had to do something to deserve being saved. Like I needed to run. I still do, but I’m tired. I look at what you have and I think that maybe I want that too. But I don’t deserve it, I know that.’
‘You do deserve it,’ he said fiercely. ‘You deserve to have everything you want. You went through something so traumatic, something that you should never have to go through so young, but you were given a second chance, Anna. And you shouldn’t be scared of it, you should be happy about it. You should use it to live the life you want – not the one you think you should have or deserve, but the one you really want. One that will make you happy. One that will make all that pain you went through worth it.’ Brodie took my hand in his. ‘You are an incredible woman, Anna. You shine so brightly. I wish you could see that. You don’t need to run. You don’t need to feel guilty or scared. We all love you. God included. And, yes, I know you don’t want to hear it but it’s true. You deserve all your dreams to come true. I promise you that.’
For the first time in twelve years, I wondered if my brother was right. I felt relief. I felt lighter than I had in so long. I hadn’t realised quite how heavy the burden was that I’d been carrying ever since that accident.
‘You need to talk to Mum and Dad,’ Brodie said then. ‘We need to sort this out once and for all. We need to start being a close and supportive family again.’
‘I don’t know where to begin… Can I have some time?’ I was so used to keeping things from my parents, the thought of being vulnerable and sharing everything I felt was scary. ‘Please, Brodie. I will talk to them, I promise, but I need to think things through, make some decisions… first.’
Brodie thought for a moment and then nodded. ‘I understand. An
d they will too. I promise. I won’t say anything to them about what we talked about. I’ll leave it to you.’
‘Thank you. But what do I do about Cameron?’ I asked then.
‘I think you should talk to him,’ Brodie replied. ‘He needs to find a way to heal. And I think you can help him, and he can help you. You understand each other, and it isn’t easy to find people you can connect with like that. Maybe if you talked to him, told him how misplaced your guilt has been, he might see that so is his. Even if the past has been hard, it doesn’t mean the future can’t be brighter. Maybe you can both let the past go and move on.’
‘Thank you,’ I said. I knew then why Brodie was such a popular minister. It wasn’t easy to listen, to not judge people, to offer unbiased advice. I didn’t think I could do it but Brodie thought I could. He believed in me. He always had. I’d always pushed back against that belief but now I wanted to grab hold of it.
I could be free. I could be free of guilt, of shame, of thinking that I didn’t deserve my second chance. And if I could be, maybe Cameron could be too.
I had no idea what would happen but I realised that I wanted to find out. Brodie smiled at me, and I smiled back tentatively believing for the first time in a long time that maybe things would be okay.
* * *
I stayed for breakfast with Brodie and Emily and then I went back to the Hall.
Alone in my room, I allowed myself to do something that I had never let myself do before, out of fear. I picked up my phone and Googled my accident, searching the local press, and I found an article about it. Everything Brodie had said was true – the driver who hit us had been drunk and speeding, spinning out of control onto our side of the road, killing himself in the crash. They mentioned me struggling for my life in hospital, and there was a family picture before the accident. It wasn’t as hard to look at us now. And there was a later report that I’d come home from hospital, and finally a report of the inquest, confirming again everything my brother had just told me.
I looked up after reading all I could find. I wished that I’d looked before but I also knew that I hadn’t been ready until now. I was relieved and grateful that I knew the truth. My second chance hadn’t been a mistake after all – I just needed to do something with it. I needed to try somehow to put it all behind me.
And maybe Brodie was right that I could help Cameron too. I wanted to try, otherwise I would regret it, I knew. And I didn’t want to regret anything from now on. So, I got into Beth’s car and drove to Hilltop Farm.
My stomach fluttered with nerves at the thought of being alone with Cameron again but I couldn’t stand the thought of him feeling as guilty as I had. Even if he didn’t want to see me again, I had to try to talk to him. He couldn’t deny there was a connection between us. It terrified me and it obviously scared him too but I couldn’t help remembering how his arms around me had made me feel. It was as if I had felt still and safe for once, and surely someone who had made me feel that way couldn’t be the monster he seemed to think he was?
What if Cameron had been carrying a burden just like I had, a burden that he didn’t need to carry? What if, like for me, just sharing the load made it feel lighter?
I still couldn’t believe that I’d kept my guilt to myself for so long. I had no clue what to do now. Maybe I didn’t need to run anymore. But what would my life look like if I didn’t? It was a habit that would be hard to break I knew. I felt so much better though. I felt like I could have what I wanted now. That I did deserve it. I just needed to figure out what it was.
The farm was empty today and the breeze whipped my hair around my face as I left Beth’s car and walked towards the wood. It was strange to be back at Hilltop. I walked past the farmhouse and through the trees towards the small cabin where Cameron lived. I walked as purposefully as I could up to the door and knocked quickly before I changed my mind and turned back the way I had come.
The door opened slowly and Cameron peered out. When he saw me, he sighed. ‘Anna.’ He didn’t seem surprised, just resigned. He swung the door fully open and stepped back to let me in. I walked into the open-plan living area. The room was as clean and tidy as I remembered, with the bare minimum of furnishings. I sat down in one of the armchairs but Cameron remained standing, hovering by the TV, the only thing breaking up the white, bare walls. He folded his arms across his chest. ‘Why did you come?’ he asked, his voice sounding a little hoarse, as if he hadn’t spoken for a few days. Perhaps he hadn’t. Unless Heather or Rory or his uncle came to see him, without any guests, he was completely alone out here. Which was clearly what he preferred.
‘We have to talk – you can’t just say what you did to me yesterday and then never mention it again,’ I said, leaning forward in the chair to try to reduce some of the distance he had put between us.
‘Can’t you just leave it alone? I told you why we—’
‘I’m not here because I want to be with you,’ I interrupted. I wasn’t sure if I was fully telling the truth because when he met my eyes I felt a jolt in the pit of my stomach but that was something I was nowhere near ready for myself anyway. ‘I want to help. I went to see my brother earlier. I told him that, after I spoke to you, I had to talk to him about my accident. When you said you felt guilty about your girlfriend, I understood that feeling. I’ve carried so much guilt around since my accident.’
‘Why?’ Cameron asked, surprised.
‘I thought it was my fault. I was arguing with my dad and I distracted him. I thought if I hadn’t then he could have swerved out of the way. Brodie told me that wasn’t the case. That we were hit by a drunk driver on the wrong side of the road. He was speeding. The road was wet. There would have been no chance of my dad getting out of the way. And before I came here, I looked it up online. I have always been too scared to. But I found the inquest report. Everything Brodie said was true. It really wasn’t my fault.’
Cameron sighed. ‘I’m sorry that you thought it was. But you don’t know anything about what happened to me.’
I decided to ignore that comment. ‘Everything changed that day for my family and I always thought they blamed me in some way for that. But my brother, he was so shocked that I felt guilty about it. I don’t know, maybe I’ve been punishing myself for a long time. Like I always wondered if I didn’t actually deserve to survive that day,’ I admitted in a rush, looking down at my hands, rubbing them together.
There was a short silence. ‘That’s crazy,’ he said then. I looked up. ‘That accident wasn’t your fault and of course you deserved to survive. I’ve never met anyone so full of life before. You’re so alive. You draw people to you—’ he said before stopping abruptly.
‘Tell me what happened, Cameron,’ I said, my breath catching in my throat at what he said. He told me to stay away and then he said things like that. What was I meant to feel about this man? I’d never been more confused by someone before. ‘Please. At least give me that.’
He hesitated but then he nodded. ‘I met Kirsty at university. We lived in the same halls and on my first night there I spent hours talking with her. She was beautiful inside and out.’ He shook his head. ‘We fell in love so quickly. We spent all our time together and we talked about our future. She wanted to see the world, and I wanted to see it with her. In our final year though, things changed. She was spending more time with this guy who was on her course. I kept asking her about him but she swore they were just friends. And I tried to believe her. But I felt like she was slipping away. One night, she phoned to say she was having a drink with him and I went to the student union. I saw them together. They were definitely not just friends.’
‘What happened?’ I asked again as he fell quiet. I could see the pain it caused him to speak about it. It hurt me to see him upset. I wished I could go over to him but I knew it wasn’t what he wanted.
He looked down then. ‘I marched over and yelled at her. I felt like my heart had broken in that moment. She told me she was sorry but she loved him, not me. I walked away and
I went home. It wasn’t until the morning that I turned my phone on. I had lots of messages. I thought they were from her but no… I went straight to the hospital but she was already gone. She had got into a car with him. He’d been drinking too. They’d crashed. She died from her head injury. If only I’d been there…’ he trailed off. ‘I should have fought for her. I shouldn’t have just walked away and left her with him.’
‘No. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen. She chose him, Cameron. That wasn’t your fault.’
‘But I always made sure she got home safely. I knew they were drinking. I should have checked.’
‘You’ll drive yourself crazy thinking like that though. “What if”s are impossible. Look at me. For twelve years, I’ve tortured myself with “what if”s about the accident. What if I hadn’t been talking to my dad? Why did I take off my seatbelt? Why did we leave the supermarket when we did? Why didn’t we wait just one more minute? And it’s haunted me. Don’t let this do the same to you. We can’t change what happened. We can grieve. But we can’t change it. What happened to Kirsty was awful. A tragic accident. But I promise you that it wasn’t because of what you did or said – it wasn’t your fault.’
‘I still feel that guilt though. I loved her so much.’
‘If you blame yourself forever, you’ll ruin your life. She wouldn’t want that, would she?’
‘I don’t know anymore. I thought I knew her but I didn’t. I think that’s why I keep away from people now.’ He finally looked at me. ‘When I first met you, I got so angry that you almost hit my tractor and then when you almost got in the car with Adam… But what made me angrier than thinking you were being reckless with your life was that I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’d ever met.’
‘I’m sorry I put you through that. I felt so ashamed that I almost got in the car that night. I always think of myself as this fearless person but I’m not. I’m more scared than anyone. That’s why I keep on running. I don’t want to run anymore, but I don’t know how to stop.’
Always and Forever at Glendale Hall Page 16
