‘Is this a job interview?’ He grinned.
‘I want to know. If I came back to find you in five years, what would you be doing?’
Cameron thought for a moment. ‘I’d like my own farm. I love the farming life. I thought I wanted to do something completely different but honestly working at Hilltop has saved me, I think.’
‘And a family?’ I asked, not meeting his eyes, tracing a finger across his bare chest.
‘That’s what I always thought. I wanted to get married and have children. But what if I don’t deserve to have that now? What if I lost my chance at that?’
I shook my head. ‘I don’t think you did at all. What happened was an accident. You aren’t to blame and one day you’ll be able to see that, and you’ll meet someone and fall in love and have that family. You’re a good man, Cameron. You’re still grieving, you’re still shocked by what happened and that’s so understandable. But you will let it go one day. I know you will.’
‘What about you? What about your five-year plan? Will you realise that you also deserve to be happy?’ he asked, stroking my hair, speaking gently.
‘I hope so. Realising the truth about the accident has helped. And knowing my family do want me around. But I’m not sure yet what will make me happy. All I know is that how I’ve been living isn’t making me happy. It’s hard though to see a way out, to change the habits of a lifetime.’
‘You will though,’ he said firmly. ‘Because you know you need to. There’s no rush anyway. You like Glendale, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘I do but this job is only for the summer. I have a flight booked to Ibiza in September.’ I bit my lip. The thought of it wasn’t as appealing as it had been.
‘September is ages away,’ he said, leaning in to kiss me.
I wish I had his faith that I could change my life. I wish I had as much faith in myself. It was funny how we believed that the other person would find a way to make their dreams come true but we didn’t yet believe it for ourselves. Cameron wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating steadily, grounding me in the moment. I closed my eyes. I was always thinking of the next place I was going to go to, but in that moment I couldn’t think of anywhere else I wanted to be.
* * *
Sun streamed into the breakfast room of the hotel the following morning. I had woken up and slipped out of Cameron’s room before he opened his eyes, heading to mine for a much-needed long, hot shower. Once dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, I walked downstairs to find the others already at two tables next to one another, tucking in to a hearty breakfast. Cameron was next to Rory, who was chatting away to him while Cameron sipped black coffee. He looked up when I walked over to the buffet and smiled. Relieved, I smiled back. I’d been worried that things would be awkward between us in the cold light of the day.
‘Did you sleep well?’ Beth asked, coming over with an empty plate to join me. Like me, all traces of her glamorous 1930s self had gone. ‘I still can’t believe we solved the murder last night.’
‘It was really fun,’ I replied with a smile, trying to ignore the flashback I was having of Cameron’s arms around me. ‘Did you enjoy it?’ I was starving, I realised, so loaded up my plate with toast, scrambled eggs, mushrooms and grilled tomatoes.
‘Loved it. And I think everyone did thank goodness. It’s not easy trying to find something we all will enjoy. And you didn’t mind sitting with Cameron, did you?’ Beth asked me. She was filling her plate up with bacon and sausages and fried eggs. I glanced behind me and saw Cameron watching me. I felt my cheeks heat up.
‘I knew you’d planned that,’ I said, shooting her a hard stare. I added two hash browns to my plate and started to make my way back to the table but she made me pause, taking me by the elbow.
‘I’m sorry. Heather just said she thought there might be a mutual attraction going on and I’m a wedding planner. It’s really not my fault, I can’t help it,’ she said, holding one hand up in defence. ‘I would never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I hope you know that.’
She looked worried that I might be annoyed with her so I shook my head. ‘It’s fine. We’re just friends though,’ I said firmly, hoping she couldn’t see the way Cameron smiled at me as I sat down next to him with my food.
‘Of course you are,’ she said as she sat down opposite me, next to Izzy and Drew, dropping me a wink when no one else could see.
I rolled my eyes but I just couldn’t help smiling. She was shameless but I had to concede that her heart was in the right place. Under the table, Cameron brushed his foot against my leg and warmth travelled up my body. I felt like an infatuated teenager. When I glanced across at him, I could see he too looked like he was finding it hard not to grin at everyone. I wasn’t sure how we could stick to our ‘just friends’ pact now. Then again, if I was really honest with myself, I really didn’t want to.
Chapter Thirty-Three
‘Anna!’
I walked downstairs to hear Izzy calling me loudly a few days after we came back from the stag and hen do. ‘What’s up?’
She rounded the corner and her face lit up. ‘Hurry!’ she cried, grabbing my arm and pulling me along with her. ‘Come on, Anna.’
‘I’m coming,’ I said with a laugh. I’d never seen her so impatient before. She led me to the closed door of her reading room then let go of me, cleared her throat and turned to look at me so seriously I almost laughed again.
‘The reading room is finished and as you helped me so much I wanted you to be the first to see it before I let anyone else in,’ Izzy said, grabbing the door handle.
‘I’m honoured,’ I said, touched that she wanted to show it to me first. Once all the decorating had been finished, and the shelves had been put up while we were at the murder-mystery weekend, Izzy had closed the door and forbidden us all from entering on pain of death so she could finish it off on her own. Well, with Luke. Obviously, he had been allowed in – the room felt as much his as it was hers anyway.
‘Okay.’ She took a deep breath. ‘Let’s go in.’ She opened the door with a flourish and stepped inside to let me through. The room felt bigger now it was no longer piled with stuff. There were two walls of bookshelves and Izzy had colour-coded them all so it looked like there were two rainbows in the room. There were two armchairs on each side of the room, with cushions and cosy throws draped across them. On one of them Ginny, Izzy’s cat, was curled up fast asleep, giving the room her seal of approval. There was a reading lamp by each armchair. And there was a picture hanging on the book-free wall with the quote – ‘She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain’.
I smiled when I saw that. ‘It’s perfect, Iz. Really,’ I said. And it was. A comfy snug of a reading room that had clearly been put together with a whole lot of love. I wrapped an arm around Izzy’s shoulders to give her a quick squeeze.
‘I love it so much,’ she agreed, beaming around the room. ‘I’ve wanted a reading room since we moved in here. I love this house so much and now it really is perfect. I hope I never have to leave. I mean, there are places I want to go but I’ll always come back here, you know? To this. My home.’
I wasn’t sure why, but a lump rose up in my throat at her words.
‘And Luke is so jealous,’ Izzy continued, oblivious to my sudden silence. ‘But I got this second armchair for him so we can read together. Especially when it gets colder. Can you imagine curling up in here with a hot chocolate?’ She clapped her hands together. ‘It’s going to be so cosy. You okay, Anna?’ she asked, looking at me then.
I snapped myself out of my reverie. ‘Of course. It’s a great room, Iz. Why don’t you show your mum?’
‘Good idea.’ She hurried out to find Beth and I folded my arms across my chest and leaned against the wall. Although I wasn’t a big reader, I did feel envious of Izzy. Mainly because she was so sure that this house was where she wanted to be. I wanted to feel like that about somewhere.
Beth came in
then and gasped. ‘Oh wow, guys, this room is so cute and cosy. And you colour coded the books too. Great job, Iz. And you too, Anna, I know you helped a lot. I feel like I need to spruce up my office now. Maybe I’ll pay you to do it, Izzy. You could be an interior designer.’
‘Mum, you know I’m going to be a writer.’
Beth smiled. ‘Never hurts to keep your options open. I’ve made us some lunch, come on.’ She led Izzy out and I followed them slowly. I glanced back at the room before I left it. I liked the idea of having helped make something that would stay at the Hall long after I left it, maybe even for generations. I mean, if Izzy ended up having kids then they could be reading in here one day. She had left her mark on this house at the age of fourteen. What had I left my mark on? Nothing. But I wanted to.
After I had eaten toasted cheese sandwiches with Beth and Izzy, I left them in the kitchen and finished off making the beds and then I did the pile of ironing that had accumulated in the laundry room. The house now looked so much better than when I had arrived – surfaces sparkled and everything was crisp and fresh and when the sun streamed in through the windows, there was no dust floating in the air. When I had finished my jobs for the day, I peered out of my bedroom window to see Beth and John in the garden heading to the greenhouse to pick produce for the shop. Luke arrived, having walked from the village to see the finished reading room. Caroline was out having lunch with a friend and Drew was out at work.
Heading downstairs to the kitchen, I prepared a stew for dinner and put it into the Aga to cook slowly while I headed out to Hilltop Farm. I hadn’t seen or heard from Cameron since we came back from Edinburgh but I didn’t want to wait for him to get in touch. What was the point? If we only had this summer together, why pretend that I didn’t want to see him? Although as I drove there I did feel some nerves about whether he would want to see me or not but at least I would find out either way.
Hilltop crept into view in a gap through the trees after I had driven down the winding country roads. The sky was cloudy today and there was a chill in the air, the Scottish summer deciding not to play ball. I parked outside the farmhouse and spotted Cameron carrying logs through the woods towards the house. He was wearing jeans, a flannel shirt and boots. This was how I would always picture him, I felt. He just seemed so much more comfortable out here than in a fancy hotel wearing a suit. I wondered where I seemed more comfortable to him, as I left the car and met him at the door to the farmhouse, which was flung open. ‘Hey, stranger.’
Cameron looked up and smiled. ‘Hey yourself. Just getting the house ready for our new guests arriving tomorrow.’ He nodded. ‘Come in with me.’
I followed him inside and watched as he piled the logs up by the fire and then led me into the kitchen. ‘I’ve missed this place,’ I said, hopping up on one of the stools and running my hand along the marble counter. ‘It’s a dream kitchen.’
‘You seem very at home here. It feels empty without you cooking up a storm in it,’ Cameron said, heading to the coffee machine to make us a drink. I smiled at his back, pleased that he missed seeing me in here. ‘I wanted to phone you,’ he said as he made us both a coffee. ‘But, honestly, I wasn’t sure what to say.’
‘Me too. I had some free time so thought I’d come and see you. I’m not a very patient person.’ I smiled as he carried our cups over and sat down on the stool next to me.
‘I’m glad you’re here,’ he replied simply, sipping his coffee.
‘A man of few words but I like them. So, what have you been doing since we got back? Obviously not pining for me…’ I grinned as I took a long gulp of the coffee and let out a contented sigh. I had missed that machine. It was so much better than the coffee at the Hall.
‘I’ve been giving everything a clean ready for the new guests and I had to go with Rory to an auction. We’ve bought some sheep for the hill and so I’ve been putting up a new fence ready for them. There’s always loads to do. But I have thought about you,’ he added, glancing at me. ‘My mum came for dinner last night. I told her about you.’
‘God, what did you say?’
‘That you’ve made me feel like there is a way to move on, I guess.’
‘It’s the same for me. Are you close with your mum?’
‘I’d say so. As my dad wasn’t around, we relied on each other. I felt like I needed to be the man of the house at a young age. I mean, we had Angus, of course, but he lived out on Fraser Farm and, let’s face it, he’s better with cows than with people.’
‘I bet she’s pleased you’re still in Glendale. They both must be. And you’re farming like your uncle too. My parents are so happy that Brodie lives nearby and that he’s a minister, they are so proud. I always felt a little jealous of that if I’m honest.’
‘My mother has no one to compare me to, that’s why I’m okay. Seriously, though, I bet they don’t think like that – they are happy you’re here this summer. They love you and are just as proud of you, I’m sure.’
‘I don’t know about that.’ I smiled. ‘I think I need some fresh air, I’ve been stuck inside all day, that’s never good for over-thinking. Fancy a walk with me?’
‘You never need to ask me twice to go outside.’
We put our coffee cups in the dishwasher and headed out of the back door towards the woods, walking side-by-side along the path. I heard the birds in the trees above us and in the distance could see the Fraser Farm cattle grazing on top of the hill that joined the two properties. Some of my tension eased immediately as we strolled together in silence. Cameron was good for that. He never felt the need to talk. I usually did, but with him I found that I was okay just thinking for a minute. After a while, he reached out and took my hand in his. It was nice to feel his skin against mine. I’d never been a hand-holding type of woman before. But maybe I could be. If it was with Cameron.
‘What did you like doing when you were younger?’ I asked as we disappeared into the trees. With the clouds above us and the trees blocking the light, it felt as if we’d suddenly moved into the early evening. I was glad I had long sleeves on now.
‘I liked visiting Angus on the farm, seeing the animals, playing in the field, and I liked to watch my mum cooking in the kitchen. We’d sing along to the radio together.’ He smiled, remembering. ‘What about you?’
‘Watching my dad play guitar, walking in the park with my family, listening to music in my room, going shopping with my friends to town, buying a nail varnish and spying on boys, and, to be honest, going to church. We’d all go and then have a roast on a Sunday. The four of us. I miss that sometimes.’ I sighed. ‘But that was all before my accident.’
‘What changed then?’
‘I took a long time to recover, Brodie went off to study to be a minister, and my parents were just so worried about me all the time. And I felt like I couldn’t be honest with them. They never wanted to talk about the accident. I misunderstood the reason why. It became a wedge between us, I think. I was trapped in all kinds of ways. I felt so guilty and I couldn’t tell them. So, I escaped, and have kept on moving. I do miss who I was before though.’
Cameron thought for a moment. ‘I think you’re still the same person. You went through something traumatic and obviously you had to grow up so much but I reckon you’d still enjoy doing all those things you did before. Maybe you just felt like you had to change after something so huge happening to you but maybe it was okay not to, to keep your life how it was. You put so much pressure on yourself to live this amazing life but really how many people do that? Most of us just live day to day in our corners of the world. Life is about the small things that bring you joy when it comes down to it, don’t you think?’
I stared at Cameron. It was the longest speech I’d ever heard him make.
‘Maybe people think my life here is small. Maybe it is. But look around you. It’s peaceful and beautiful and I wake up every day grateful for that. I’m starting to think that is enough.’
‘I worry that I’ll never be able to just appr
eciate this though,’ I said, gesturing with the hand that wasn’t holding his. ‘That I’ll always keep running.’
‘It’s up to you though, isn’t it? You were right when you said that I spent too much time thinking that I could have helped Kirsty. I kept thinking what if I had done something different that night but I hadn’t thought that even if I had, she might not have done. She broke up with me. I couldn’t have done anything to stop her.’ He stopped then and turned to face me. ‘And you couldn’t have stopped the drunk-driver who drove into your dad’s car. We can only be responsible for our actions; do you know what I mean?’
‘I do and you’re right. I like it when you talk. You should do it more often.’
He chuckled and leaned down to kiss me.
‘And you should definitely do that more often too,’ I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer for a long and lingering kiss in the quiet of the woods.
Chapter Thirty-Four
A breeze ruffled my hair as we walked back to my car. I asked Cameron if he wanted to come back to the Hall for dinner. ‘I’ve made loads. Brodie and Emily are joining us too… it could be fun,’ I said. It was unlike me but I realised I was quite happy with the idea of spending the evening with Cameron. His company was soothing and I liked the idea of having someone there with me when I would be surrounded by couples if we left the children out of it.
‘Why not. I was just going to have beans on toast. You know though that they will talk about this,’ he said, raising an eyebrow to check that I really did want him to come. We all knew that the Glendale Hall gang, however much we liked them, were gossips.
I shrugged. ‘They’re talking already. Besides, I never worry what people say about me.’
‘I think we really are opposites.’
‘No pressure,’ I said opening the car door. And I meant it. I would never push him. It just wasn’t my style. I wanted him to come but I knew you couldn’t make people do things they just didn’t want to.
Always and Forever at Glendale Hall Page 20
