by Mara Leigh
“Acushla.” He kisses my forehead. “Sometimes I think you were sent to me, that I was made to love you, to pay penance for all those women I hurt.”
“What do you mean?”
His eyes squeeze shut. “Loving you, a woman who’s been so abused, tortured, it forces me to remember how I caused so much pain for countless women—and my first love.”
“You didn’t cause Liliana’s pain.”
His eyes snap open. “Of course I did.”
I shake my head. “No you didn’t. They used her to control you. You never would have hurt any of those women if you hadn’t been forced to. They were monsters to make you do that. Evil. You hadn’t even consummated your marriage.”
His breaths come long and slow, and he keeps his gaze down as he seems to consider my argument. “We tried to consummate.” He shakes his head. “Lily actually blamed herself for the creation of my act.”
“How’s that?”
“She confided in a friend, the bearded lady, about the difficulties we were having getting me inside her. We think someone overheard and got the idea for my act.”
“That’s horrible.”
“It wasn’t her fault.”
“Of course it wasn’t. I meant it’s horrible that they used your private pain in that way.”
He nods.
His expression turns wistful and I realize that Lily must have died long ago. For the first time since I became a vampire, I’m confronted with a concrete example of how difficult it is to love someone whose potential lifespan is so much shorter than your own.
Colton flashes through my mind. I’m definitely in love with him, or at least on that path even though the obstacles blocking us seem insurmountable. But if we do reach the summit, commit to each other, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to watch him age and die.
I close my eyes for a moment. I’m getting way ahead of myself, jumping ahead seventy-five years when I don’t know if Colton will ever accept me, and right now I need to keep my focus on Rock.
“What happened to Lily?” I ask softly.
Rock’s expression turns ferocious. “They killed her.”
“Oh, no.” I put my hand on his chest as if I can soothe his pounding hearts.
“Those monsters kept going further and further with her, even if I gave a good show. For those sadistic handlers and stage hands, hurting my Lily was their private backstage entertainment.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“They killed her while I was onstage.” His eyes are glassy now, unfocussed as if he’s seeing the scene play out in his mind. “They used a cattle prod on her. Often. It was a new invention back then, and the current wasn’t always predictable. And one of the pricks, Damien.” Rock’s eyes narrow, clouded with hatred. “He went too far, held it on her too long. She collapsed to the floor of her cage, still twitching even as smoke rose from…” His voice trails off.
I snuggle closer to him, wishing I had a way to take away his pain. Wishing I knew how to take memories.
“That night I found strength beyond my normal limits. For years I’d struggled against my chains to no avail, but in my rage I had the power to break them. I picked up and threw every one of the handlers who crossed my path.”
He shakes his head. “No idea where any of them landed. I might have killed them all.” His shoulders rise slightly. “I picked up Lily’s lifeless body and ran.”
Tears stream down his cheeks and wet my hand as I stroke his face, wishing I had a better way to offer comfort.
“Since that day, I never let my rod get erect. Certainly never let it erupt.” He looks down at me. “Not until you.”
“All those years? No erections?” I can’t hold back my question; his news is so astonishing.
He shakes his head. “Sometimes I’d wake with the beginnings of one, after I dreamed of her, but I found ways to control it.”
“Like that leather harness.”
He nods. “And mental control. The mere thought of sex is disgusting to me now. Abhorrent. Where thinking of sex turns most men’s rods hard, it has the opposite effect on me.” He shudders.
“But…”
“Yes, Acushla. That changed when I met you.”
“Then maybe…”
He shakes his head. “I love nothing more than giving you pleasure. But I can never enter you. I can never give you what you want from me.”
A little hope rises inside me, out of Rock’s horrific past. “You wondered earlier if you were destined to love me, a woman who’s suffered sexual abuse, to remind you of your past.”
“Yes. Do you understand why I think that?” His hand strokes my arm.
“I do, but I have a slightly different theory.”
“What’s that?”
“Maybe you were meant to find me, because as a vampire, I am your ideal lover. If all women are, um, somewhat stretchy down there when aroused, then that’s even more true for vampires. And unlike human women, you can’t hurt me. Not permanently.”
He shakes his head. “We’ve talked about this before. I will never hurt you even if it doesn’t cause permanent damage.”
“I won’t push again,” I say trying to assure him with my eyes. “I promise. And this is the last time I will ever bring up the topic, but I don’t believe that you’d hurt me. And some day, when you’re ready, I want to feel you inside me. Even if it’s difficult at first, I think it would be wonderful. I want to share that with you. I want your body to be part of my body and mine part of yours. I long for us to experience the heights of ecstasy simultaneously.”
“Like you do with Gray.”
I tip my head to the side. “I don’t want to talk about my sex life with Gray. That’s different and it’s ours, his and mine, and separate from yours and mine.”
“Unless we’re all three together.”
I nod, a soft smile rising from my heart to my lips. “Let’s call that sex life number three.” In my mind all three are separate but connected. My cheeks flush at the memory of the three of us together, so hot and complete in it’s own way, even as I yearn for a more full sex life between me and Rock alone.
“I’m glad you told me.” I turn in Rock’s arms and rise to my knees, so that I can look directly into his eyes.
“I’m so ashamed of hurting all those women.”
“Rock.” I hold his face in my hands. “It wasn’t your choice. It was never your choice. You can’t hold yourself responsible for something other people made you do.”
“You astound me.” His large hands slide over my body, carefully, respectfully, like I’m a precious work of art. “So young and yet so wise.”
“I love you Rock.”
“I love you too. More than my hearts can bear.”
Chapter 10
Selina
After an hour of practicing martial arts in the basement, I head upstairs and flop onto the sofa in Gray’s sitting room. Training isn’t the same without the guys, and I need to find something else to fill my time.
Rock has headed out to the bar already, with errands to run before the late afternoon opening, and this house feels so big, so empty. I used to spend weeks, months on my own, but now that I’ve experienced what it feels like to be part of a family, I feel such a loss when none of my men are around.
I shift on the sofa, trying to find a position where I don’t feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. It’s hard to relax with Gray in jail; I have no idea what’s happened to Pike, or whether he might be in jail too; and worst, I haven’t heard a word from Colton. Rock told me he was pumping Chelle for information about vampires last night, and I’m so afraid about what that might mean.
I’m so wound up that I feel like running across the city and back a few times to burn off steam, but I’m stuck inside until sundown so I try not to dwell on things I can’t control.
My sketchbook’s across the room, lying open on an ornately-carved mahogany sideboard, so I fetch it, along with my favorite Lumograph pencil, hoping some drawing will d
istract me for a while. After glancing around for a worthy subject, I make a few broad strokes to capture the planes and angles and curves of an oriental vase that sits to my right on the corner table.
The vessel is just starting to take shape with help from my shading, when my phone rings. It’s Colton.
I toss the sketchbook to the carpet and fumble with the phone as I answer.
“Colton! Hi.”
“Hey there,” he says. “Good to hear your voice.”
“Yours too.” My heart is racing at the sound of his rich voice. “How are you doing? Is your head okay? Did they find the kids who stole your backpack?” It’s only been thirty or so hours since I’ve seen him, but it feels much longer.
“Hey,” he says. “Instead of catching up on the phone, how about we get together.”
“Perfect. Rock’s bar? 8:30 or so?”
“I was thinking sooner. Maybe a walk in High Park? It’s a great day. The heat wave finally broke.”
I try not to panic or read too much into his suggestion, but fear crystalizes in my veins. Especially given what Rock told me about Colton’s talk with Chelle last night. Does Colton suspect what I am? Does he already know?
I try to melt my terror enough to free the brainpower required to generate a valid excuse not to meet him until dusk.
“I’m stuck here,” I tell him. “Gray asked me to sign for a package. It’s supposed to be delivered before eight, but you know how that goes, it could show up any time.”
“Or never.”
“Yeah. Right. You get it.” My heart is thumping so loudly I fear that Colton can hear it over the phone.
“I’ll come over,” he says. “Look at me, inviting myself over. Would Gray be okay with that? Would you?”
“I’d love it, and Gray won’t mind.” He mentioned Gray so casually. Maybe Chelle overreacted to Colton expressing suspicions about Gray. Or did she lie to Rock? My mind races, still fearful. But I want to see Colton so badly. “That’s a terrific idea.”
“Okay then,” he says. “I think I know where you are, but can you message me the address?”
“Sure.”
“Great. See you soon.”
“Can’t wait.” I send Gray’s address to Colton, then start to pace around the room. There’s no reason to think that anything will go wrong, but I’m nervous. Nervous about seeing Colton for the first time since that horrible night. Nervous about whether or not more of his memory has returned.
It feels like mere moments when the doorbell chimes.
I dash to the control pad for the intercom, happy to see Colton’s strong, athletic self on the screen, captured by the camera over the porch.
“Come on in.” I push the button that releases the lock on the outside door and watch as Colton pulls it open and steps into the outer vestibule. I leap up onto the balcony above the foyer so I can make it look like I was upstairs when the doorbell rang. No need for him to wonder why I didn’t open the outside door.
The door into the foyer opens, and I start down the stairs to greet him.
“Hi there.” I take the stairs slowly, keeping eye contact with him, loving how Colton’s gaze tracks my movement with a delicious combination of respect and attraction, and how a boyish grin spreads over his handsome face like seeing me is the best part of his day, his life.
He crosses the foyer to meet me at the bottom of the stairs, and I stop on the second to last step so we’re around the same height.
The instant our lips touch, I nearly combust. I can’t deny the connection between this man and me, and I’m so relieved that the events in the ravine didn’t break it. As we kiss, he lifts me off the stairs, turning to set me down on the floor.
“Wow.” He smiles down at me once we finally break our kiss. “That was some welcome.”
“I missed you.”
“Me too.” He pulls me into an embrace. “Holy cow,” he says with wonder in his voice. “I figured your friend Grayson was rich from the way he dresses, but wow. This place… When I first walked in, all I saw was you, but holy smokes!”
“It’s pretty nice, isn’t it?” We stand side-by-side as Colton takes in the marbled floors, the paneled walls, the soaring ceiling and grand chandelier of the foyer.
“Are you thirsty?” I ask. “Hungry? Let’s go to the kitchen.” I have an ulterior motive in leading him there. If he sees me in that bright, sunlit room, I hope it will remove any remaining suspicions he might have about Gray—or me.
“Tea? Coffee? Beer?” I open the fridge. “Gray usually has this stocked with white wine.” I gesture toward the inside of the fridge once it’s open to show at least a dozen bottles of Gray’s favorite chardonnay, chilling.
“Tea sounds good.” Colton leans on the island counter, then steps around it toward the large windows above the sink. A sunbeam catches his blond hair and he rakes the curls back with his fingers.
I step up beside him to fill the kettle at the sink.
“Did I turn you into a tea drinker?” he asks.
“Guess you did. Turns out Gray’s got cupboards full of the stuff. He did grow up in England.”
At the mention of Gray’s name, Colton’s fingers tighten their grip on the edge of the sink. It’s not a good sign, but Colton has never been super comfortable around Gray, so I try to discount the reaction as simple jealousy.
“Beautiful backyard, isn’t it,” I say to fill the tense silence. “The red roses just started blooming.”
“It’s nice.” He nods. “We should have our tea out there.”
I shrug, then purposefully move my arm through a beam of sunlight as I take the kettle back to the stove and lay it over the blue flames of a lit burner.
“I’m stuck inside, I’m afraid.” I turn away from him to get the teapot and teabags. “I can’t hear the doorbell from the yard, and still need to sign for the package.”
“Sure,” he says. “Maybe after the delivery guy comes.”
I cross back toward him and stop when a ray of light strikes my face. I purposefully luxuriate in the sunbeam that Colton doesn’t know has passed through a special filter. “The sunlight does feel great.”
He sighs with obvious relief and I can literally see tension melt out of his muscles.
“You look like the world just lifted off your shoulders,” I say as I take the boiling kettle off the burner and fill the teapot.
“I do?” He grins, then once I’ve put the kettle down, he pulls me in close and kisses me again.
“What did I do to deserve that?” I ask, looking up into his grass-green eyes.
“Existing,” he says. “Just being you. Better question—what have I done to deserve you?”
I rise onto my toes and give him another quick peck. “Guess we’re both lucky.” I break away to grab a couple of mugs.
“Is Grayson home?” Colton asks while my back is turned.
I neutralize my expression before turning back to him, trying to smile. “No. That’s why I need to sign for his delivery.”
“Oh, right. Where is he?”
“At work.”
“Where does he work?”
“Some big company downtown. I can never remember the name. It’s a bunch of letters strung together.”
“He works during the day.”
I cross the room to get the milk from the fridge. “Sure. But his schedule varies.”
“What does he do there?”
“Something to do with finance.” I pour a bit of milk into each mug. “Why are you asking so many questions about Gray?” My hand trembles as I pick up the teapot, so I draw a deep breath to steady my frayed nerves.
“How well do you really know him?” Colton looks at me so intently I can almost feel his question probing inside me. “Where did you meet him anyway?”
“I met him at a club.”
“What club?”
“Colton.” I try not to frown, but it’s hard. I want to act like I don’t mind all these questions, but I do mind. I mind very much. And it’s
hard to keep that off my face. “Am I a suspect in an investigation or something? Is Gray?”
He steps toward me and looks down to the floor. “Selina. I have terrible news for you. Maybe you should sit down.”
“I’m fine standing.”
His teeth scrape his bottom lip, and his chest expands as it fills with a long breath. “If there’s something you’ve been hiding from me,” he says on his exhale. “Something about Gray. If he has you trapped here. Or if you’re under his control in some way—”
“What do you mean? Do you think Gray’s controlling me? Holding me captive?” I try to laugh, but it comes out awkwardly.
“Don’t be afraid. You can tell me. I’ll protect you.”
I step back. “I don’t need protection from Gray.” But I do feel like the world is closing in around me. Colton hasn’t said it yet, but I’m now convinced. It wasn’t just suspicions he shared with Chelle: Colton knows that Gray is a vampire. He remembers more of that night than I thought. Does he remember shooting a stake into my chest, just missing my heart?
“Selina.” He takes my hands in his. “I am so sorry to tell you this, but you do need protection from that thing that calls itself Grayson. You need to move out of this house—today. Right now. If you don’t have anywhere else to stay…” His cheeks flush. “You can stay with me. I’ll sleep on the sofa. Your friend…” He blinks a few times, his discomfort informing his posture and expression. “Selina, you’ve fallen under the control of a vampire.”
I laugh, then bring my hand up to cover my mouth.
Colton looks startled, and even I’m shocked at my reaction. But his words were comical. And not exactly what I expected, even though the overall point was.
“I’m serious.” Colton tips up my face, his finger applying firm pressure under my chin. “He’s a vampire. I saw it through my goggles before I passed out in the ravine. I don’t remember everything that happened, but I tried to stake him.”
He shakes his head. “It’s all very confused because I got knocked out, but I remember the most important part so clearly—Gray is a vampire.”
