by Jim Smith
‘Why would I want to have a “Fronkleccino” with you?’ I said, remembering all the times he’d been horrible to me at school.
My eyes were getting used to the dark, and I Future-Ratboy-zoomed them in on a big book that was sitting on Darren’s table. HOW TO BE A GENIUS LIKE ME, said the words on its spine.
‘You’re reading Wolf Tizzler’s book too?!’ I cried, pulling at my polo neck.
I was beginning to regret putting the polo neck on, what with all the neck-pulling I was having to do.
‘Maybe I am, maybe I’m not,’ said Darren, doing a blowoff into his chair and pointing at my tub full of slugs. ‘I see you’ve got a problem . . .’
‘What if I have?’ I said.
‘Maybe old Dazza can help you with it, that’s what!’ snarfled Darren.
‘OK Dazza, we’re listening,’ said Bunky, comperleeterly butting into my business meeting with Darren, and I stomped on his foot under the table.
‘OK Dazza, I’m listening,’ I said, as Darren pulled a toothpick out of a little pot on the table and stuck it between his teeth.
Nancy gasped. ‘You’re not going to toothpick them all to death are you?’ she said.
‘Relax,’ smiled Darren. ‘That’s not my style!’
‘So what IS your style then, Bogienose?’ said Nancy, and Darren stopped smiling and checked he didn’t have any bogies hanging out of his nostrils.
‘How much did you get for those slime-sticks?’ he said, nodding at the tub of slugs.
‘1p each!’ grinned Bunky, slurping on his can of Fronkle and I stomped on his foot again.
‘Shush, Bunky! You’re ruining my deal!’ I whispered, and I twizzled my head round to face Darren’s. ‘10p each,’ I said, my left eye twitching. My left eye always twitches when I lie.
‘I’ll give you 2p,’ smiled Darren.
‘2p for the whole tub? What are you, comperleeterly crazy?’ spluttered Bunky.
‘I fink ee means 2p per slug, Bunkee,’ said Renard, and Bunky did a face like even HE thought his brain might be a bit tiny.
‘5p,’ I said. ‘And that’s my final offer.’
‘2p,’ smiled Darren, and I stomped my foot, this time not on Bunky’s.
I looked at Nancy. ‘It’s double the money,’ she shrugged.
‘What you gonna do with them, Darrenofski?’ I said, stroking the tub’s lid and thinking of my old pal Snailypoos. ‘I don’t want any violence . . .’
‘Trust me, Loser,’ grinned Darren, stuffing his hand into his pocket and pulling out a fistful of dirty old 2ps. ‘I’ll make sure they go to a loving home.’
‘Well in that case,’ I said, ‘you’ve got yourself a deal!’
Darren waddled out carrying the tub of slugs and I rattled my piggy bank, which now had £5.34 inside.
‘Still nowhere near enough for a SHNOZINATOR 9000,’ I grumbled.
‘What’s that about you having a big shnoz, Bday Boy?’ said a screechy voice, and I looked up to see Sharonella from my class walking through the front door of Cafe Cafe. ‘Come ’ere, ya big Loser!’ she cackled, giving me a great big squelchy smacker on the nose.
‘Eurgh, get off me!’ I cried, grabbing a napkin from the dispenser on the table and wiping my bday nose dry.
Bunky gave me a look that looked like he was checking if he could tell her what we were doing, and I nodded.
‘Guess what, Shazza - we’re inventors!’ he said. ‘And we’re gonna be billionaires too!’
‘Oh gawd, not more Wolf Tizzler wannabes,’ moaned Sharonella, waving to Herman. ‘Scuse me honey, can I getta Fronkle over here?’
‘Not WANT-TO-BES,’ I said, tapping my piggy bank. ‘ARE-A-BES! We’ve just gotta come up with an invention . . .’
Nancy rolled up her sleeves and grabbed a napkin from the dispenser. She pulled a pen out of her pocket and tapped it against her teeth. ‘Let’s brainstorm!’ she said.
‘Brainstorm?’ said Renard. ‘What eez zees terrible weather inside of your brain, Nancee?’
Nancy chuckled. ‘A brainstorm is when you come up with loads of ideas all in one go,’ she explained.
‘So we can find an invention that’ll make us billionaires!’ grinned Bunky.
Herman handed Sharonella her Fronkle and I stood up, which is what I do when I want to get the keelness out of somewhere.
‘Let’s brainstorm, losers!’ I said, heading for the door.
‘Erm . . .’ I ermed, staring up at the clouds as we strolled down Mogden High Street.
‘Ummm . . .’ ummed Sharonella, slurping on her Fronkle.
‘Hmmm . . .’ hmmed Nancy.
‘Hey, I’ve got it!’ said Bunky, clicking his fingers, and we all stopped. ‘Nope, it’s gone . . .’
I opened HOW TO BE A GENIUS LIKE ME to page thirty-eight and started reading out loud. ‘Often the solution is right in front of your eyes . . .’
Bunky stared straight ahead. ‘All I can see is air!’ he said. ‘And I can’t even SEE it. It’s useless! Let’s just give up and be poor . . .’
‘Don’t be a loser, Bunky!’ I said, at the exact same millisecond my nose bonked into something lamp-posty. ‘OOf !’ I blurted, rubbing my nose. ‘Who put that lamp post there?’
A fluffy little black dog trotted up and cocked his leg, doing a wee against the lamp post’s base, and the smell wafted up my nostrils.
‘POOWEE!’ I cried. ‘That’s the third time I’ve smelt someone’s wee today, and only one of those someones was me!’
The door of the sunglasses shop we were standing outside of swung open and the owner stepped out. ‘Shoo, you little mutt!’ shouted the man, who was wearing bright green triangle-shaped sunglasses. ‘Blooming dogs always weeing up my lamppost,’ he grumbled, reversing back into his shop.
I looked down at the wee-soaked lamp post, then up through the window at the grumpy shop keeper. Then I thought back to my dad earlier that morning, stuffing one of Desmond’s nappies into my SHNOZINATOR 9000.
‘Oh my unkeelness!’ I cried, giving myself a back-to-front salute. ‘I think I’ve cracked it!’
‘Lamp post nappies?’ said Nancy once I’d explained my invention to them all, which was this:
Nancy pushed her glasses up her nose. ‘That’s it, I’m out!’ she said, starting to walk back in the direction of her house.
‘Where are you going?’ I cried, running after her and doing my Wolf Tizzler shoulder-grab thing. ‘Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, how long have we known each other?’ I said, staring into her eyes. ‘Remember, this is Bday Barry’s day!’
‘Look, “Bday Barry”,’ she said, staring back at me. ‘I’m all up for helping you get a new SHNOZINATOR 9000, but if I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it properly.’
‘Meaning?’ I said.
‘Meaning we have to come up with an invention that’s got a chance of actukeely making us some money!’ she cried.
I turned round to face the rest of my bday gang.
‘She eez correct, my leetle friend,’ said Renard. ‘Zees lamp post nappy idea - eet eez really, really bad.’
‘OK,’ I said, doing a bday sigh. ‘Let’s go back to the drawing board.’
‘Which way’s this drawing board thingy then?’ said Bunky, looking left and right.
‘It’s just a phrase, Bunky,’ I said as we started to stroll. ‘Now, who’s got an idea?’
‘Ooh, me, me!’ said Sharonella, waggling her hand in the air. ‘Fake leaves!’
‘Fake leaves?’ said Renard.
‘Fake leaves!’ grinned Sharonella. ‘Like when it’s winter and all the leaves on your trees have fallen off - you could buy fake leaves to stick on the twigs!’
‘NEXT!’ sighed Nancy as we turned a corner and I almost bonked my bday nose into another lamp post.
This lamp post had one of those LOST DOG posters stuck on it, with a faded photo of a fluffy white dog called Fred in the middle.
‘Hey, isn’t that the dog that just weed all over the grumpy sunglasses man’s
lamp post?’ said Bunky, pointing at the photo.
‘Spoiler alert - that dog was BLACK!’ I said, peeking into Bunky’s earhole and seeing right out the other side.
He clicked his fingers. ‘I’ve got it - Toe Socks!’
‘Eurf, this is useless!’ I cried, flipping open my book and reading out one of Wolf Tizzler’s tips.
‘Invent something that you’d want to buy yourself.’
I peered into my brain, trying to see if there was anything I needed.
Apart from the SHNOZINATOR 9000, my life was pretty keel. I had a nice enough mum and dad, and my baby brother Des wasn’t that bad as long as I ignored him.
‘What else do I want?’ I wondered out loud, and I remembered the present list I’d stuck on the fridge door nineteen and three-quarter weeks before:
‘Oh my unkeelness!’ I cried. ‘I want number two!’
‘Hey everybody, Bday Barry needs a poo!’ cried Bunky in his stupid granny voice, and they all did a sniggle.
‘That’s not what I meant!’ I said. ‘
There’s a toilet in Feeko’s up the road!’ said Bunky, grabbing my arm. ‘Hurry Bday Barry, I’ll get you there before you do your number two!’
I wriggled out of Bunky’s grip and prepared to do one of my funniest voices ever. ‘Relax Bunky baby, I don’t need a poo!’ I said, sort of mixing Future Ratboy’s voice in with one of those old grannies from earlier.
‘I am sorry Bday Barry, but zees voice you do, eet eez not funny een ze slightest,’ said Renard.
I pulled at the neck of my polo neck and started to explain about my present list and how ‘number two’ on it was ‘No more boring questions about school’.
‘Let me get this straight,’ said Nancy once I’d finished. ‘Your invention would be some kind of gadget that can answer boring old mum-and-dad questions so the kids don’t have to?’
I nodded, thinking how I actukeely DID kind of need a poo all of a sudden, probably because Bunky had just mentioned it.
‘That’s not bad,’ said Nancy, and everyone else nodded.
‘See, told you I was a child genius!’ I said, waddling towards the Feeko’s Supermarket at the end of the road, blowoffs seeping out of my bum. ‘Stupid blowoff app must be broken!’ I said, blaming them on my phone.
‘How’s it gonna work tho, Bazzy?’ said Sharonella as the doors to Feeko’s slid open and we headed towards the toilets at the back. ‘’S’not exactly like you can just magic up some machine wot answers any old question, is it?’
We were walking down the Electronics aisle and I stared up at the SHNOZINATOR 9000 shelves, thinking how I’d probably be back in here in about two days’ time, buying a brand new one with my billions of pounds.
‘LAST FEW LEFT!’ shouted a sign hanging above the last three helmets. ‘FACTORY COMPLETELY SOLD OUT!’
‘GAAAHHH!!! We’ve got to hurry!’ I screeched, waddle-zooming towards the toilet to do my bday poo.
‘Eez zat better, Barry?’ said Renard as I walked back out of the toilet.
‘Much better thanks, Renard,’ I said, holding my bday hand up for a high five, but he just shook his head.
Sharonella stomped on my foot to get my attention. ‘As I was saying, how’s this invention of yours gonna work?’
‘Good question, Shazza,’ I said, letting her off the foot-stomp seeing as I was in a hurry what with all the SHNOZINATOR 9000s almost being sold out. ‘It just so happens I had one of my brilliant and amazekeel ideas when I was sitting on the loo!’ I smiled.
‘That’s where I get ALL my best ideas!’ grinned Bunky, giving himself a mini-salute.
‘Two words . . .’ I said, and the whole gang stared at me, waiting to hear what they were.
‘“Hi brow”?’ said Nancy, saying the two words I’d just said. ‘Isn’t that that thing Future Ratboy puts on his forehead in “Future Ratboy and the annoyingness of the really annoying neighbour”?’
‘Exackeely, Nancy! Well done!’ I said, doing my hands-on-her-shoulders thing, and she stomped on my bday foot.
The ‘Hi brow’ is this keel little extra eyebrow that Future Ratboy sticks on to his forehead in the episode where he’s got an annoying new neighbour who keeps asking really boring questions.
Instead of Future Ratboy having to keep on answering the questions, the Hi brow does it for him.
I pulled my pink phone out and typed in the website for Future Ratboy, then clicked on the page where it explains about all his keel little gadgets.
‘The Hi brow consists of a simple circuit board, a fake eyebrow and some glue to attach it to the user’s forehead,’ I read out loud.
‘And where are we gonna get all that stuff ?’ said Bunky.
‘Follow me,’ I said, walking towards the Women’s Beauty aisle.
‘’Ow eez eet zat you know where zees zings are, Barry?’ said Renard as I reached up and grabbed a packet of stick-on fake eyebrows off the shelf.
‘My Granny buys them,’ I said, walking towards the checkout. ‘She burnt her real ones off putting her face too close to an electric fire when she was a kid!’
‘That’s what happens when you haven’t got a TV,’ said Bunky, all seriously.
I stepped up to the checkout. ‘That’ll be £3.49 please love,’ said the lady behind the counter, whose name tag said ‘Delia’.
I jangled my piggy bank upside-down until £3.49 chinked into my hand. ‘That leaves £1.85,’ said Nancy.
‘Oof, how’re we gonna afford a whole circuit board with that?’ said Bunky, and I twirled around.
‘Don’t you worry about that, Bunky baby! I got one of those build-your-own circuit board kits for my bday,’ I said, handing the £3.49 to Delia.
‘STOP!’ cried Nancy, and we all froze like fish fingers on a frozen goods aisle.
‘What eez eet, Nancee?’ said Renard, his mouth moving while the rest of him stayed still.
‘It’s this stupid Hi brow invention!’ said Nancy. ‘I don’t want to ruin it for everyone, but . . . it’s just not gonna work!’
I held up the bag of stick-on eyebrows and waggled them in her face. ‘Er, hello-o?’ I said.
‘Barry, that Future Ratboy website’s just for fun. You can’t actually make a real-life Hi brow by attaching some stupid little circuit board to a stick-on eyebrow!’
I looked round at the rest of the gang as they thought about what Nancy had said. ‘Nancy’s right, Bazza,’ said Sharonella, and they all nodded, Delia included.
‘Oh, what a surprise . . .’ I said, handing the eyebrows back to Delia, and she passed me my £3.49. ‘Nancy thinks my bday idea is rubbish!’
‘I don’t think the IDEA’s rubbish,’ said Nancy. ‘Just the invention. You need something more realistic!’
‘Realistic my bum,’ I said, pulling my phone out and blowing it off in her face.
‘That’s not very nice, Barry,’ said Delia, calling me by my name even though we’d only just met and I wasn’t wearing a name tag. ‘Say sorry to Nancy.’
‘Sorry, Nancy,’ I said, pulling at the neck of my polo neck. But Nancy just stared at my phone and smiled.
‘What’s so funny, Nancy?’ said Delia, who was beginning to get on my nerves.
‘Barry’s phone!’ said Nancy, clicking her fingers. ‘Why didn’t I think of it before!’
Bunky looked at me and itched his bum. ‘What’s she talking about, Bazza?’ he said.
‘Yeah Nance, what are you talking about?’ I asked.
Nancy pointed at my phone. ‘How much did you pay for that blowing off app thing?’ she said.
‘50p?’ I said. ‘No, a pound!’ I added, remembering how I’d paid extra for the ‘Super Sloppy’ - a three-minute-long blowoff that was worth every penny I’d begged my mum to give me for it.
‘You see - mobile phones are where all the money is these days!’ said Nancy. ‘What if we turn Barry’s idea into an app?’
Bunky scratched his nose with the same finger he’d just scratched his bum with. ‘How
do you make an app out of a fake eyebrow?’ he said.
Nancy rolled her eyeballs. ‘No-oo! I mean an app that answers all the boring questions mums and dads ask about your day at school!’ she smiled.
‘What, like Bazza’s blow-off fingy except wiv words insteada blowoffs?’ said Sharonella.
‘Exactly, Shaz!’ said Nancy. ‘Barry, you’re good at coming up with horrible little things to say - all we need is a few of those and Bunky could do the voices for them!’ said Nancy.
‘Yeah, Bunky’s well good at voices!’ giggled Sharonella, and Renard did a snortle.
‘Zees could be a real, ’ow you say, “money spinnurr”, non?’ he grinned.
I pulled at the neck of my polo neck and wondered if it was getting hot in Feeko’s or if it was just me. ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa, let’s just calm down for a billisecond,’ I said. ‘If anyone’s doing the voices for this thing it’s ME!’
