7. Some take breakups harder than others. Going out and sleeping with another person is never the way to go. This will ensure that you end up alone, unless you have a really forgiving partner. In this case, it is under advisement that others step in and make sure you understand the consequences of your decisions. Here are some ways to achieve the desired results:
A good beating will do wonders for both of you and those that need to let off some anger toward you.
Waterboarding to find out the truth is an acceptable form of both punishment and making sure that you’re telling the entire truth.
In some cases, you need to get your head on straight, and a beating just won’t do it. This is when they step in and force you to run ten miles while completely hungover.
Going to rehab is also an option. If you’ve fucked up enough to lose your woman because you kissed or slept with another woman after going on a bender for days, you need more help than any of your friends can give.
KIdnapped 101
How To Allow Yourself To Be Purposely Kidnapped To Get The Girl
Let’s face it, guys. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having a woman kidnap you, even if you knew it was going to happen all along. If you’ve gotten yourself into this situation, you have to realize that no matter how you try to spin this, you’re not coming out on top.
First, there is no way to explain to your coworkers that you let a woman take a gun from you. Saying that you did it for sex is not an excusable explanation. You will be made fun of, and no matter how sexy she is, no one will understand that you purposely gave up your gun.
That being said, if you’re crazy enough to go on this wild ride, here are a few tips to help you get through it all.
Remember that the woman is most likely smaller than you. She should not be able to overpower you, so you must make this believable to her.
Keep a loose grip on your weapon so it appears that it was easy for her to take your gun.
A good fake sigh when she gets your gun will go a long way. Don’t overplay this. You have to appear to be clueless when handling a weapon.
No matter how much you want to take your gun back, once you do that, the jig is up. There will be no hot sex at the end of this exciting ride.
If she shoves the gun in her purse and walks away, don’t point out that she can’t hold you hostage if she doesn’t even have her gun out. You don’t want to point out how bad she is at kidnapping.
If anyone catches on to what’s happening, do not admit to basically handing her your gun, unless you’re willing to take a good brow beating from fellow workers.
Once you’ve approached the stage where you want to fuck her, it’s necessary that you have some alpha male traits. You can’t take her hard and fast like you want if you look like a pussy. Demand this from her. Shove her up against the wall and tell her how much you want to fuck her. Make it good.
It Was An Accident
The Repercussions Of Accidental Fucking
First, let me point out that accidental fucking is a serious undertaking that only the strongest and bravest of men must attempt. You need to be a smooth talker, but also so hated by this woman that she needs to fuck the hate right out of you. But there are consequences for accidental fucking. First, let’s set up how to properly put yourself in the position to accidentally fuck someone.
Lewd acts, such as jacking off in front of the woman of your choice, is a great way to make her both hate you and desire you at the same time.
Sleeping in the same bed is a must. Setting this up is more difficult than you would think. However, if you live alone or can make an excuse to share the same bed, you’re already halfway there.
Sleeping in the nude is a must. Do not attempt accidental fucking if you have clothes on.
If you build up to this over a few nights, it’ll be even better than if you go for it on the first night.
Morning is the best time to perform an accidental fucking. You have the advantage of morning wood, and waking up wrapped up in each other is a very likely scenario.
Wandering hands will help make this a very real possibility. Don’t be afraid to grab a tit and give it a squeeze. She needs to be in the right mindset.
Your dick needs access. Make sure that she’s not already wearing panties or you’re screwed.
Make sure you tell her how much you hate her and how bad it would be if you fucked.
Rocking against her is a must, and don’t forget the pinching and squeezing. Keeping her in lust is a must.
When you feel yourself slipping through that wet heat, you know you’re almost there. Your dick knows the way to the motherland. Allow him to do as he pleases.
After this insanely hot fucking is over, reassure her that you still hate her. This leaves the door open for future accidental fuckings.
Alright, you’ve accomplished your goal. What’s next?
Be prepared for another accidental fucking. Once you’ve opened that door and both agreed that it was an accident, you’re golden for more opportunities.
Accidental fucking can’t last forever. This turns into hate fucking where you both agree to fuck, but still hate each other when it’s over.
The problem with accidental fucking is that no matter how much you hate each other, you’re very attached to each other physically. This makes it difficult to keep emotions out of everything. Be prepared for hate to turn to something different.
You may feel the need to be a dick so you can push her away emotionally, but keep her physically. This may work for a day or two, but she may turn on you and restrict access. At this point, you need to decide if you’re still hate fucking.
Chances are, if the sex is so good that you keep going back despite hating the woman, you don’t actually hate her. The stunning revelation you are about to discover will knock you on your ass. Be prepared. Don’t snap at her or run her out of the house. This will only make life more complicated.
I’m sure by now you’ve figured out that you actually are falling in love with this woman. Be a man and suck it up. Admit that you’re in love with her and move forward with the same intensity of your previous fucking. Admitting you love her doesn’t mean you have to turn into a pussy.
Disclaimer:
As you’ve been reading this, you’ve probably been wondering what the hell any of this means. It doesn’t make sense. That’s because accidental fucking isn’t really a thing. Here’s a clue for you, it was never an accident. You both wanted to fuck, and you did. Accept this and move on. You can’t claim forever that you accidentally fucked her. People won’t believe you. Be a man and admit to yourself that you really want this woman. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can move on.
Searching For Balls
You’ve Lost The Use Of Your Dick. Where Do You Go From Here?
Look, the fact is that sometimes shit happens in life that can really drag you down. Now, it’s understandable that if you lost the use of your dick, you would feel like less of a man. How can you please a woman if you can’t use your dick? Here are a few things not to do.
Don’t panic. Wait to hear what the doctors have to say. Then, after they tell you it’ll be a while before they know anything, make up an excuse and escape with your dignity intact.
Do not enter a shootout and ignore the fact that you almost got your dick shot off. It doesn’t matter if you can’t feel it anyway. Do you really want to not only not be able to feel your dick, but then also become dickless?
Once you’ve kicked your woman out of your life, be prepared for loneliness to set in.
Alright, you’ve been a dick (no pun intended) and fucked up. Now that you’ve realized that you can’t live without your woman, what do you do?
First, you must prove to her that you really want her and want to move forward. Pack your shit. You’re moving.
You may have to admit in front of others that your dick doesn’t work. It sucks, but sometimes, it’s necessary so she’ll give you a chance to explain.
Do
n’t be afraid to tell her that you were an asshole.
Allow her to help. It may destroy your confidence as a man, but this is part of being in a relationship.
Allow her to take charge in the bedroom. She can help you in ways you never knew.
Now that your woman has helped heal your dick, use this to your advantage whenever necessary. A sudden reversal on how far you’ve come can lead to some fun adventures in the bedroom. Don’t be afraid to guilt her into sex when you’ve had a rough day. Using your broken dick as an excuse could work for years to come if played right.
For Crying Out Loud
How To Deal With Tears
Okay, your woman is crying. This is a potential minefield if you don’t know how to handle a crying woman. There are so many ways to fuck this up, so make sure you tread carefully when you approach her. Walking away from a crying woman is not an option, so don’t even think about doing this.
If your woman is crying, you most likely fucked up. You need to figure out what you did to cause those tears, and you need to find out before something drastic happens. Failure is not an option here, people.
Think back to your last conversation. Did you insult her in some way?
Is it her birthday, your anniversary, or any other special day of the year that you’ve forgotten?
Did you tell her she looked skinny and beautiful today?
Do you have pets? Quick, go check to make sure they’re all alive.
Have you recently backed out on anything you said you would do?
Check out her outfit for the day. Is she wearing sweats? If so, is it her time of the month? Have you noticed her wearing baggier clothes on a regular basis? This could be a sign of gaining weight. Or she could just want to be comfortable.
Check the caller ID. Did her mother just call?
Have all of her favorite TV shows been recorded? If so, scour the internet for any details of what just happened on her favorite shows. Did anyone die?
Think back on the things she asked you to do recently. Was there anything that really needed to be done that you forgot about?
Now that we’ve covered what to look for, let’s talk about how to deal with this woman that is a crying mess in front of you. Here are some things you should never do:
Do NOT sigh heavily. This lets her know that you really don’t care about why she’s crying and that you’re really frustrated that you have to deal with her tears.
Do NOT ask her ‘What’s wrong now?’ Are you an idiot? Are you trying to get murdered?
Do NOT ignore her. This will only lead to more tears, along with some very angry words, and possibly a thrown object or two.
Do NOT yell at her because you don’t know what else to do. This will result in more tears, and you’ll have fucked yourself over.
Do NOT ask her if you caused this. You should already know the answer to this question. This is like asking for her to blame you for something.
Do NOT pat her on the shoulder awkwardly. She’s a person whom you love, or you should love. A pat on the back is something you do for a friend.
Do NOT turn on the TV as you wait for the storm to pass.
Those were all very basic, common sense suggestions. Now that you know what not to do, let’s cover what you really need to do:
Give her a hug. Most women will feel better immediately with just a hug. And make it a good one. If you give her a pussy hug, you’re going to enrage the beast. Put in the effort.
Rub her back soothingly. Remind her of her childhood, how her mother used to rub her back. Unless of course, she has a shit relationship with her mother. Then, do nothing to ever remind her of her mother.
A good kiss and a reminder that you love her will go a long way.
Offer to rub her feet. It’s cathartic.
Take her to bed and just hold her. I know this is a hard one, but if you try and get her to have sex with you when she’s been crying, you’re extending your self-imposed celibacy by at least a few days. Sacrifice for one night.
In the morning, be sure to make her breakfast and smother her with kisses. Let her know she’s the most important thing in the world to you, even if you have more important shit to do.
Ask her at least five times before you leave for the day if there’s anything you can do for her.
A few calls throughout the day will really help to brighten her mood and ward off future crying jags.
By the next night, you should be in the safe zone for making a sexual move. Do NOT try and take her ass. This is not the time for that kind of shit. You’re going to have to take things slow and really make her feel the love with lots of kisses and touching. I know you want to get in there and fuck her hard, but this goes against all the work you’ve already put in.
I know it’s hard to keep up with all this lovey-dovey shit, but you can’t stop all at once. Only ask her three times if she needs anything. Call her a few less times throughout the day. Start grabbing her tits in a more provocative way, just to really start the transition to hard fucking.
The Proposal
How To Ask Your Woman To Marry You Without Looking Like An Idiot
You’ve waited for the time to be right. You knew it would happen eventually, but when she got down on her knees, all you saw was this vision of her in a wedding dress, giving you head. Yes, that’s truly what happens. Sex is always on the brain. Just do yourself a favor and don’t shout that out. The very last way to propose to your woman is by telling her you had visions of her in a white dress on her knees. It’s not at all romantic.
Types of proposals:
What kind of proposal you go with really depends on your woman. Is she flashy? Is she shy? Does she love romance? I know that’s a lot of questions, but guys, you have to think about her in this situation. This is not about you, but her. Make this special for her.
The small proposal:
This is for the woman who is extremely shy or just really simple. She doesn’t like to be the center of attention and she really hates all that girly shit. If you’ve landed this woman, sit back and relax, because this is going to be the easiest proposal of your life. I mean, after you’ve figured out how to do it and it’s over.
1. Keep it just the two of you.
2. A nice dinner with candles will set the scene and keep things romantic, but not overdone. A few nice words about how much you love her, and then you pop the question. It’s really as straight-forward as that.
3. Sex afterwards is implied. Make it good for her. A quickie on the couch is not the way to go here.
The mid-sized proposal:
You have a woman that doesn’t want fireworks, but she doesn’t want a simple dinner either. She wants to be romanced. She wants you to put in the effort and make it memorable. Okay, relax, you can handle this.
1. Take her out on a boat. No, not a fucking canoe or a kayak. Kayaks are for one. If you did this, you definitely aren’t getting married. Canoes are for pussies. Rent a fucking boat. Lay out a blanket on the deck and have dinner served on it. Michael Bublé should be playing in the background. He’s like the king of romance, and you can’t go wrong with him. He may be more charming than you, but you have guns and muscles on your side. Combine the two and you’ve got a lethal combination. Not that you’re going to kill her, just for clarification.
2. Gaze into her eyes. I’m not sure exactly how this is done, but I think a good amount of staring works. Don’t make it like that creepy stare, you know the one that makes you look like a serial killer. Make it softer, like you’re trying to see into her soul. If anyone has suggestions on how to do that, please fill in the comments below. None of us want to be smacked before a proposal.
3. Run your fingers through her hair. Chicks love this. It’s like petting them. For some reason that’s soothing. Now, I know it’s weird for us. No guy wants to pet his woman, but if it gets you the answer you want, fucking pet her.
4. Soft kisses are key here. But not pussy kisses. Be gentle and hard at the same time. If you need t
ips on this, see Gabe.
5. Did I mention Michael Bublé? Don’t forget this step.
The outrageous proposal:
None of us have actually done this before. I’m guessing this would be for the baseball fans or something like that. Put it up on the jumbotron and ask her to marry you. If she’s a baseball fan, she’ll think it’s romantic as hell. A few tips though…
1. Make sure you’re not eating food when the jumbotron shows you on the screen. First, you can’t propose with a mouth full of food. Second, you’re bound to spill ketchup all over yourself and look like a slob.
2. Make sure she’s in her seat. If that camera lands on you and she’s not in her seat, you’re gonna do something stupid, like propose to the nearest woman just so you don’t look like an idiot. This can only end badly. Maybe she has a husband. Maybe your woman walks back right as you’re proposing. Maybe she says yes. Maybe she’s a he…I’m just saying, watch it.
3. Be absolutely sure that your woman is ready for this step. The last thing you want is for her to sit there and chuckle nervously, or worse, laugh out loud at you in front of the entire stadium. This is why you don’t do these types of proposals.
Now, a few things to remember once you realize that you want to marry your woman.
1. You’re gonna start acting weird. You have this newfound knowledge, and it’s hard to keep it wrapped up inside. Make sure that the moment the realization strikes, you’re forming a plan to make it happen. The less time between the realization and the proposal, the less chance there is you’ll fuck it up.
The Reed Security Relationship Manual: A Reed Security Romance Page 17
