Every single thought I have is gloom and fucking doom.
Snake’s phone rings. I watch as he lifts it to his ear. He frowns, then a few moments later he’s tapping on his phone with his index finger. I don’t know what that means, but he’s doing it with such ferocity I’m afraid he’s going to crack the phone in half.
He shoves the phone in his pocket, then his eyes meet mine. He jerks his chin to the side, and I know he wants to talk to me.
“I need to talk to Snake, will you be okay?” I ask Carson.
She turns to me, her bottom lip trembling, and her free hand on her swollen belly. “I’ll only be okay when Ace is. But, if you need to talk to him, I won’t fall apart any more than I already have,” she mutters.
My heart slams against my chest at her words. I can’t believe this is all reality. This isn’t some dream of mine, this isn’t some hallucination. This is all real, and it makes me feel completely off. I don’t know what to do, there isn’t anything that I can do, except wait like everyone else in the room.
Standing, I make my way over to Snake. The man should intimidate me, but he doesn’t. He’s always been fairly kind to me, even when he thought that I was the reason his men were shot at. I know that I wasn’t. I said nothing to Melodie about the club. If she saw Houston’s cut and put two and two together, she never even mentioned it to me.
“Houston took care of your girl and some Aryan that was with her. You got anything else you want to give me on them?”
His words are like a punch to my gut. I know what took care of means. He killed her, he killed my friend. Sure, she was a little fucked up in the head, but then again so am I. She didn’t hurt anyone, I know that she didn’t. I know it.
“Why?” I ask, my voice more of a pleading sound than a question.
He shakes his head. “Not sure yet. I told him to bring her back here.”
My entire body fills with rage. Turning away from Snake, I walk back to Carson. Fuck him, and fuck Houston. Fuck the Devils. All of them.
Grabbing her hand, I squeeze it tighter than I should. She doesn’t say anything, obviously in a catatonic state. I don’t blame her, not in the slightest. I would be the same way, well probably worse. Letting my body relax, I rest my head on her shoulder.
She should be leaning on me, but she can do nothing but focus on the door ahead of her. That door and the doctor that walks through it holds the fate of her future in their hands. It’s an important fucking door.
“If he dies. I can’t go on,” she whispers.
I hum. “You can and you will. You have way too much to hold you together, too much in your life that is out of this world fantastic to be taken away,” I murmur.
“I can’t go on without him.”
I sigh, closing my eyes. “I have nothing to look forward to in life, Carson. Never have, nothing except pain and heartache. Nothing except watching everyone around me live their wonderful chaotic lives. You have everything. Even without him, you still have so much more than someone like me has. Don’t take that for granted. Two children, Axe and this new baby girl. You would not leave them to fend for themselves in this world.”
Carson whimpers. “I wouldn’t,” she admits. “I love them too much.”
“And Ace loves you too much to leave you alone. Not when he’s just found you,” I state.
Her fingers squeeze mine, then her shoulders relax, and I feel her head rest against the top of my own. “No, he wouldn’t,” she whispers.
That fucking door opens a moment later. Both Carson and I jump to our feet and rush over to him.
“Mrs. McCrae?” he asks, looking between us.
“Yes, that’s me,” she practically shouts, obviously nervous and excited to finally have some news on Ace.
He smiles, it’s kind, but it gives nothing away about Ace’s situation. “He’s going to be okay. He suffered from quite a bit of blood loss, so we gave him a transfusion. The bullet went clean through, but during a laparoscopic exploration of his abdomen, we noticed that there were damages to part of his small bowel. So, we repaired all three sections, unfortunately, we had to remove some, but were able to bring both ends together.”
“What does all of this mean?” I ask, interrupting him.
“It means that he’ll have some healing to do, but Mr. McCrae is expected to make a complete recovery,” he says, giving Carson a smile.
She lets out a long sigh of relief then asks when she can see him. The doctor leads her away from me, stating only one person is allowed to see him at a time, and right now, Carson is that one person, as it should be. Turning around to face the room, I explain to the best of my ability what the doctor just told me.
The room fills with cheers from Ace’s brothers. They all look extremely relieved, most of them nursing their own wounds. I find my chair again and sit down, exhaling a long breath.
“You ready to go back to the clubhouse, get some sleep?” Ice asks me about an hour later.
I nod, unable to speak. I’m exhausted both mentally and physically. Today has been one of the worst days of my life and all I want to do is close my eyes and attempt to sleep. I honestly don’t care where I do that.
“Carson?” I ask.
Ice shakes his head. “She refuses to leave his side,” he explains.
“Axe?” I ask, referring to her and Ace’s little boy.
Ice grins, his lips turning up on one side. “He’s good, babe. The Old Ladies have a handle on that wild one. Let’s get you some rest.”
I nod, standing to my feet. He’s being nice. In reality, what he’s telling me, without saying the words, is that they don’t want me to care for Axe. They don’t trust me with a child, and they probably shouldn’t. I have no right being around children, not with my illness.
Rationally, I know this, but that doesn’t ease the sting of the hurt that goes with the fact that they think the exact same as I do about the situation.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
HOUSTON
When Brent and Melodie are taken care of by an outsourced cleanup crew, I take the small bag of what I could find as Roxie’s personal belongings and leave the apartment complex. I don’t ask any kind of questions about who the crew was, or how they knew exactly what they were doing, to a science. It isn’t my business, and frankly, I don’t care as long as I don’t end up in a jail cell anytime soon.
I call Snake and check on Keys, thankful that he’s going to pull through. Although, I feel fucking worthless at the fact that I still have no clue who came in and violated us the way that they did. I feel like we should know. It wasn’t random, in our lives, nothing is random. There is a purpose for every type of attack, good, bad, or indifferent. It isn’t for nothing.
The clubhouse is quiet, the parking lot empty when I pull into it. I’m not surprised. Most men are either at home with their women recovering, at the hospital, or already bedded down with a whore.
Ice texted me to let me know that Roxanne would be sleeping in my bed tonight. I should stay away, go to the trailer behind Cash Bar, maybe, but I can’t. I need to touch her, I need to know that she’s okay.
With a groan, I climb out of her shit car. Stretching, I slowly make my way into the silent clubhouse. I don’t stop at the bar, for the first time in months, I don’t even want a drink. All I want is Roxanne. Making my way toward her, where I know she is asleep—in my bed, I quietly close the bedroom door behind me, locking it immediately.
Shedding my clothes, I leave them in a pile at the end of the bed as my eyes take in her sleeping form. It’s warm in here, so she doesn’t have any covers on her body and my lips form a smile at the sight of her wearing one of my t-shirts.
Her long bare legs are on display, there’s a peekaboo of her ass cheek hanging out too. I wonder if she even has panties on? My cock hardens at the sight of her. Fuck, I haven’t been laid in far too long. Lifting my hand over my face, I scrub my palm down, letting out a sigh.
Crawling into the bed, I situate myself behind her. Shif
ting to my side, I face her back. Lifting my hand, I run my fingers through her hair. It’s so much shorter and even lighter in color than it was a month ago. She’s changed it, and although I liked it long, I can’t say that it looks bad now, in fact, it’s sexy and wild—messy just like her.
Running my fingertips down her arm, I lace my fingers with hers, placing my lips at the side of her neck. She lets out a sweet little sigh but otherwise doesn’t move. Closing my own eyes, I let out an exhausted exhale and almost immediately fall asleep.
I feel something soft against my chest, my abdomen, and then it wraps around my cock. My eyes fly open and I reach for my dick, only to come into contact with soft hair. Looking down, I see Roxanne’s dirty blond hair between my legs. She shifts, her eyes lifting to mine as she bobs up and down on my cock.
Gripping her soft strands, I guide her along my dick. I’m unable to speak, too afraid that she’ll stop. She works me, her soft teasing licks now gone. Wrapping her fingers around my base, she swallows me before sucking me on her way up, then swirls her tongue around my head. She repeats the move, again and again, until my fingers tug her head away.
“Get the fuck up here and ride me,” I demand.
Her mouth is open, her eyes focused and a slow smile appears on her lips. “I don’t think that I will,” she laughs.
Sitting up, I reach for her, cupping her cheek with my palm. I’m unable to look away from her, those eyes of hers have me frozen. They’re clear, focused, and yet they aren’t. “How do you want to be fucked, Firefly?” I ask.
She gulps, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. “Fuck me like you love me, Tanner,” she rasps.
“You know that I do,” I shamelessly admit.
She shakes her head. “You fuck me desperately, like you’ll never be inside of me again, not like you love me.”
I close my eyes for a moment, then open them and refocus on her. “Because I never know when I’ll be in that sweet cunt again, Roxanne. You take yourself away from me at the drop of a hat.”
“I’m sorry, Tanner,” she sighs.
With a snort, I move to my knees. “You aren’t, and you shouldn’t be. You’re working on your health, and I’m never going to deny you that space and time to get yourself together when you need it,” I explain.
Reaching down, I wrap my hands around the backs of her thighs and pick her up, pulling her toward me. I watch as she falls onto her back. Her small tits bounce with the move, her legs spread and her pussy is warm against my wet cock.
She opens her mouth, but I don’t allow her to speak. I don’t want to hear it, any of it at all. Filling her warm waiting pussy, I slam my mouth against hers and I fuck her. It isn’t slow, it isn’t fast either.
Every stroke into her body is with purpose. She shifts her legs, lifting them high and pressing her shins against my ribcage, allowing me inside of her a little deeper.
Moving my lips, I kiss her across her jaw, toward her ear and bury my face against her neck. My hips never stop, they slam against her, taking her and fucking her the way that she wants.
Her arms wrap around my back tightly, hugging me close as her nails dig into my flesh. I feel her pussy squeeze me before she lets out a whimpered cry. I fill her again, then freeze as I empty inside of her, groaning against her neck when I do.
My hips involuntarily move in and out of her, enjoying the way her pussy continues to pulse around my dick. “We shouldn’t have,” she whispers.
My entire body sags, I bury my half-mast cock, my movements stilling as I catch my breath. Her words aren’t meant to hurt me, but they still do. Every time she denies me—us, it fucking kills me. I want nothing more than to take care of her, protect her, love her, and watch her in her freedom.
Pulling out of her, I move off of the bed, wordlessly grabbing my shit off of the floor and walk out of the room, naked. Fuck this. The push and pull is too much. I can handle no more.
I am done.
I am a liar.
I’ll never be done with Roxanne. The bitch has her fingers around my heart, gripping me, digging her talons into me and I’ll never be free of her.
ROXANNE
Houston walks away from me. The door slams and if I thought that I ever felt finality from him before, it wasn’t true. This, this is final. I’ve fucked up, now. Though isn’t this what I wanted. One last moment with him, then freedom.
I was going to set him free, and in turn, free myself from my own selfish desires. The second he slid inside of me all of that changed, I felt everything pouring from him, with such ferocious intensity that I never wanted it to end—as always.
Turning to my side, I stare at the closed door. He won’t walk back through it though. I’ve exhausted his patience and his love. It was only a matter of time, I knew it, and yet I kept pushing him. I shouldn’t have come onto him, I should have stayed away, but he was so beautiful lying there next to me in his sleep. He took such great care of me yesterday, I couldn’t stay away from him.
Honestly, I can’t stay away from him no matter what. Not if he’s anywhere near me. I am my own fucking downfall. I will always be my own worst enemy and he will see, in time, that I did him a service. He’ll thank me, one day. I know that he will. He has to.
Standing, I make my way into the bathroom to shower and dress for the day. I cannot hide away in his room away from the rest of the world. I need to head back down to the hospital and check on Carson. I need to make sure she’s eating and taking care of herself.
Once I’m dressed in a pair of leggings and a clingy t-shirt, I slip my feet into a pair of sandals and pull my hair into a ponytail. Looking myself over in the mirror, I wonder why I chose to bring the tightest clothes that I own to the clubhouse.
Biting the corner of my lip, I snort. I know why I did it, I don’t even know why I’m thinking it was for any other reason than to make sure that Tanner noticed me. That he saw me, and how I thought he wouldn’t anyway, I’ll never know. He sees me, he always has.
Inhaling a deep breath, I make my way to the bar area. My entire body trembles as the images of the blood from yesterday’s massacre come to the forefront of my mind. I close my eyes, inhaling a deep breath and releasing it, willing those thoughts to disappear.
When I open my eyes, I see men and women walking around. I’m thankful that the blood from yesterday is gone. None of the people milling around pay me much notice, that is until Hayden catches my eye. She waves me over. My feet carry me over to her, but I wonder what’s going on. There seem to be so many more people here than normal.
“What’s going on here?” I ask, unable to keep my eyes focused with all of the movement circling us.
“Houston didn’t tell you?” she asks with a frown.
My heart slams against my chest at her question. “No,” I murmur, not going further.
She tilts her head to the side, her tongue swiping along her bottom lip once before she speaks again. I can’t look her in the eyes. She’ll see that I fucked up with Houston. She’ll know that I’m a bitch. That I continue to hurt him, even though he’s confessed his love for me, I’m callous, and a bitch and I just bring him nothing but pain.
“We’re on lockdown, though I don’t know why they’re holding us all here since this is where everything happened,” she shrugs.
“Lockdown?” I breathe.
She nods. “Yeah, no going anywhere anytime soon. Hopefully it doesn’t last too long though,” she smiles.
Lifting my hand to my throat, I swallow. Locked in here with all of these people. They’ll be watching me, judging me, waiting for me to fuck up. I will. I will no doubt fuck up some way, somehow. I’ll hurt Tanner even more. I’ll just fucking hurt. It’s all that I know how to do these days.
“Roxanne,” a voice booms, causing me to jerk away from my thoughts.
Slowly, I turn around to see Snake standing in the mouth of the hallways. His office is just a few feet behind him, and memories from yesterday, of being in his office sitting on that sofa, think
ing about all of the blood and possible dead bodies causes me to tremble a little.
“My office,” he barks.
Dread fills me at the thought of walking back in there. I swallow that dread, I square my shoulders and I follow behind him.
Standing at the doorjamb, I force my legs to move into the actual office, closing the door behind me. I refuse to sit on that sofa again, instead choosing a chair that is directly across from his desk. “Snake,” I say with a nod.
“I’m sure you know by now that your friend couldn’t be saved. Houston says she didn’t know anything about the attack though, do you think she was telling the truth?” he flat out asks.
I’m taken aback slightly by his bluntness. I close my eyes, remembering Melodie for just a moment, her smile, her sweet nature. Then I recall her obvious abuse and sadness fills me. She was hurt, her entire life she was abused. Maybe this is for the better, maybe she’s in a better place now, a place where she can’t be abused for another moment.
Opening my eyes, I look directly at Snake. “Melodie lived a lifetime of abuse. It began at the age of ten when her mother handed her to the man that she would eventually marry. She was sick, I don’t know that she was born that way, or if it was created by her environment,” I explain. “She was pissed that the Devils took her away from her home. She understood that they were radicals, but it was where she felt safe. I honestly don’t think that she would have told anyone about seeing Houston, though.”
Snake nods. “Houston said the same.”
“Then why did he kill her?” I demand.
Snake’s eyes almost glitter as they take me in. I don’t know what he finds comical, maybe I’m being funny to him. I find nothing about this comical though. What I do find it to be, is frightening. A life was easily taken, two actually, but a woman, an innocent one, that isn’t funny at all.
“Something funny?” I ask, unable to keep my mouth shut for a moment longer.
He clears his throat, schooling his features before he speaks. “They were going to start another compound. Her and the guy. I personally wanted her here to talk to her myself,” he states and his features darken. A chill runs up my spine from the look on his face. He was going to torture her. Make her talk. “Houston didn’t do that, he showed them mercy.”
Twisted with Chaos: A CASH BAR NOVEL Page 11
