“Skull wanted Carson and Roxanne, bad. Really fucking bad…” Baby reminds everyone.
I don’t need the reminder. I think about it every fucking day. Carson is safer than Roxanne. She wears Keys’ tattoo on her skin, has his baby in her belly, and has the club’s protection. Roxanne doesn’t, because she won’t fucking accept that this is where she’s meant to be. If they take her, I’ll never forgive myself for not forcing her fucking hand.
“He just wanted to prove his goddamn point. Didn’t have anything to do with them. He’s dead, his men didn’t give a fuck,” I point out.
I don’t know if I’m trying to convince myself or them, but either way, judging by the way they’re looking at me, I’m doing a shit job. Free clears his throat, his eyes shifting from me to the rest of the men, then over to Snake.
“La Foule is about dope, guns, looting, and power. They came in here, shot up the place, and left to prove a point. That they can. That kid got Lea to go with him, because he could. It has nothing to do with anything other than that, and that is dangerous. They want power. What they’ll do with it once they get it, that’s fucking scary,” Free states.
Snake lifts his chin in agreement. “How do we stop them? They’re reckless, they don’t play by rules, and obviously someone bigger and stronger is behind them.”
“We have to find out who is in charge. You can’t fuck around with the pawns. You need to get to the fuckers in charge,” Snake grunts.
Lifting my hand, I run my fingers through my hair. These fucks. They’re a headache we don’t need. Not when we have more than enough shit on our plates. The threat against Roxanne still lingers in the back of my mind. It could be connected, it could be completely isolated. The fuck of it all is that I don’t know, and I don’t know how to find out either.
“So we sit around playing with our dicks until they strike again?” Baby asks.
A throat clears at the doorway and we all spin around. Roxanne is standing, her shoulder leaning against the jamb. Anger pulses through my veins at the sight of her interrupting church. She knows better. She fucking knows better.
“You better have something seriously good to say, since you’ve just gone against one of our most important club rules. I could shoot you right here and not one of these men would blink,” Snake announces.
She clears her throat again, her eyes scanning the room but never landing on me. I watch her walk farther into the space, all the way up to the head of the table where Snake sits. He moves his head to the side, his eyes following her every move and finally tilts his head back to look up at her.
“Use me as bait. They made a threat, they want me for whatever reason. I’m completely dispensable, use me.”
I’m unable to stop the noise I make in the back of my throat at her word—dispensable. She’s nothing of the kind. Not in a million years could she ever be. She’s mine. Except, she isn’t. I bite the inside of my cheek, unable to speak up for her, unable to claim her in this room, she doesn’t want to be claimed—not by me anyway.
“Roxanne,” Snake warns. “It’s too dangerous.”
She shakes her head, raw determination set in her features. There is no backing down, no talking her out of it, her mind is set. I lower my chin, my eyes finding my boots and I inhale deeply before letting it out.
“I’m doing it, with or without your approval,” she states.
I hear Snake hiss before he speaks. “We’ll discuss it, let you know the plan in a few?”
I keep my eyes focused on my boots as she walks past me. I don’t reach out for her the way that I want to. In fact, I have to ball my hands into fists to keep from doing just that. I wait a moment, until Snake calls my name, and only then do I lift my gaze.
“I won’t allow it. She’s not branded, but she’s yours.”
My eyes focus on his, I shake my head once. “She isn’t mine, Snake. I want her to be, if I thought that she’d eventually come around, I’d claim her without her consent, but it wouldn’t do any good. If she wants to kill herself and be some kind of martyr, who am I to stop her?” I shrug.
“Christ,” Snake hisses.
“That bitch has done a number on you, I say feed her fuckin’ ass to the wolves before someone else gets the bed next to Keys in the hospital,” Free grunts.
Snake’s eyes stay glued to mine, he’s searching my face, but whatever he’s looking for he must not find it. I watch as his shoulders slump and he looks almost defeated. “Don’t do this to her, to yourself. You’re going to feel guilty as fuck, brother.”
Standing to my feet, I shove my hands in my pockets so that nobody can see them trembling. I keep my voice even and calm, despite the anger and fear rolling throughout my entire being.
“If this is what she wants, then it’s hers. Whatever she wants. It’s hers.”
Snake’s mouth turns down into a frown, his brows furrowing together. “Even if that means you’ll never see her again?”
Lifting my chin, I look down at him from beneath my lashes. “Even if that means I never see her again. Whatever she wants.”
Without even waiting for a vote, or for church to be dismissed I turn around and walk out of the room. Ignoring everyone in the bar, I walk over behind the counter and grab a bottle.
I take myself outside and walk over to the warehouse where we would normally torture and kill, instead of bait fuckers, and I sit down in the dark dirty room, on the cold concrete and I drink.
ROXANNE
I watch him stomp across the bar, and out the door, a bottle of liquor dangling from his fingertips. My heart pounds in my chest with every step that he takes. He’s resigned. He’s gone. He’s walking away from me, from what I won’t allow us to be. He’s finally given up. I should feel relief. I don’t. Not even in the slightest.
All I feel is—empty.
Complete and total emptiness.
“You sure this is what you want?” a voice asks. Turning my head, I see Snake standing next to me. “You don’t have to. Nobody is asking you to. He sure as fuck doesn’t want you to.”
“But he’s not putting a stop to it?” I ask, wondering why Houston isn’t trying to stop me.
Snake shakes his head. “Says you can make your own decisions. He’s also not going to stand by and watch.”
My heart stutters for a moment. Squaring my shoulders, I inhale and look Snake in the eyes. I think about the fact that Houston isn’t putting a stop to this, to me, and it hurts. This is what I wanted though. I wanted him to feel free of me, and this way I help the club at the same time, I lessen his burdens.
“You’re fucking crazy, Roxie,” Snake mutters.
I nod, my throat tight. “Yeah, and?”
He snorts. “Not what I meant. You’re signing your own death wish, and darlin’ it’s probably going to be a lot more painful than you could ever imagine. You don’t need to do this, don’t do this,” he practically begs.
“I’m crazy, Snake. You said it, everyone says it, because it’s true. The world would be better without me in it, Houston would be better without me in his world. This way, I get to possibly save this club and my friends, from more violence.”
Snake lifts his hand, his fingers curling around my shoulder and he gives me a hard shake. “Babe, this club is violence. We go through peaceful times but it never stays that way for long. You ain’t saving nobody from nothin’. All you’re doing is sacrificing yourself.”
I lift a shoulder, my heart rapidly thumping in my chest, my eyes immediately watering.
“If you think that any of us is better off without you, including that man who loves you, then I can’t help you. Self-worth is something you have to find within your own self, I can’t give it to you.”
He turns from me, obviously finished lecturing me. Reaching out, I wrap my fingers around his wrist and stop him from walking away. His head turns, his eyes meeting mine and he waits for me to speak. “I know he will never move on as long as he thinks that he can somehow save me.”
Sn
ake looks at me with pitied sadness. I can’t take it, his look, it emulates how I feel, and I hate it. “Babe, you could save each other, if you wanted. Ain’t my place, but you could. If you can’t see that, then there’s nothing more that can be done. Be ready to be bait in a couple hours. Say your goodbyes.”
He walks away from me without another word. A sob bubbles up my chest and escapes my mouth at his words. Say my goodbyes. Closing my eyes, tears finally leak from them. I think about the words that I should say to Carson, to Axe, to Houston.
Without a thought, my feet move. They follow the path that Houston just took with his booze. I can’t say goodbye to Carson and Axe, it will hurt too badly. However, I’ll show Houston goodbye—one last time, I can show him just how much he truly means to me.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
HOUSTON
The light spills into the warehouse when someone opens the door. I’m halfway through my bottle of booze when a shadow stands above me. Looking up, I’m not surprised to see that it’s the reason for my drinking standing right above me.
She doesn’t say a word. No lecturing about the bottle in my hand, not a word as I bring it to my lips and take another swig of liquor. Roxanne is silent as she strips completely out of her clothes, her lithe body is completely on display for me, my eyes unable to focus on just one part of her. All of her is too beautiful to focus on one thing.
I watch, my heart beating faster with each passing moment as she sinks to her knees between my spread legs. Her long arms reach for my pants, she unbuckles my belt, then tugs my zipper down. Lifting my hips, I allow her to pull my pants and underwear down, past my hips and ass, until they can go no farther.
Roxanne wraps her fingers around my cock, slowly she strokes me, her eyes focused on my own and never looking away. Those green eyes own me. Every fucking part of me. She always will. Until my last breath.
Closing my eyes, I let my head fall back against the wall and bring the bottle to my lips. I take a pull from the drink, lifting my hips as she jacks me. Her lips wrap around my cock, a moan escaping my throat at the initial feel of her warm wet mouth. I don’t open my eyes, I let her blow me, knowing that this is the last time. I’ve always thought of each time as possibly the last, but this is it.
Once she leaves this clubhouse, I know deep inside that she will never come back.
Lifting my free hand, I comb my fingers through the side of her hair, gripping the strands tightly once my hand is at the back of her head. I guide her along my cock, slowing down her movements, savoring the way she feels wrapped around me.
Tugging her head away, I grunt when I’m on the fucking edge. I’m going to come inside of her pussy, not her mouth. I want to feel all of her before she leaves me for good.
She doesn’t even have to ask what I want, she knows. Keeping my grip in her hair, she spreads her legs and crawls over my legs and hips. I can feel her warm pussy against my dick which causes me to groan.
She sinks down on my cock. Shoving her face in my neck, I hold her there as she rides me. It’s slow and deliberate, sweet and soft. It’s everything that screams love, and yet, it’s a goodbye. Her breath is hot against my neck as she climbs closer toward her release.
Lifting the bottle to my lips, I continue to drink, wondering if this moment will be enough to last me a goddamn lifetime. It won’t. No matter how many minutes, hours, or years I have with Roxanne, it would never be enough.
“I’m close,” she breathes.
Gripping her hip with my free hand, I yank her down on my lap. She lifts and I pull her down, once, twice, three times, and then the fourth she stills as she comes. Only then do I let out a grunt and fill her with my own release.
I take another pull from my booze, my eyes still closed. They burn too fucking bad to open them. If I see her then I’m going to figure out a way to keep her, and I can’t. Fuck me.
“I love you, Tanner,” she breathes.
“Get the fuck away from me,” I grind out.
She holds me tighter, refusing to climb off of my dick, refusing to walk away, fucking refusing. “I love you. I want you to be happy, I’m doing this so that you can let me go,” she murmurs.
Sliding my free hand up her back, I tangle it in her hair again and I pull her head back roughly. She lets out a cry of pain, and only then do I finally open my eyes to look into hers. She’s crying, the tears are streaming down her gorgeous face. I fucking hate her beautiful face. I love her so goddamn much that I fucking hate her right now.
“You’re doing this because you’re a selfish cunt,” I growl.
She attempts to shake her head, but my hold is too tight. I am so fucking angry with her right now that I can’t even see straight. Well, I’m fucking drunk too, so that doesn’t help either.
“I’m trying to save you, why won’t you understand that?”
“Because it’s bullshit,” I spit. “It’s all a fucking load of selfish bullshit. I’m yours, Roxanne. You fuck me over and over again, and I’m still fucking yours. You walk out of this clubhouse and into the arms of a faceless, nameless, enemy, you’ll still be mine. Nothing will fucking change. Not a damn thing.”
She doesn’t attempt to climb off of me, she’s still sitting with my half hard dick inside of her, tears streaming down her face, and yet I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful than her. I hate myself for feeling this love toward her.
“I’m not well, I never will be, Tanner. I want you to have the most beautiful life possible, and that will not be with me.”
My eyes focus on hers, I watch her, I take her in, and she believes the shit she’s spewing. She believes every fucking word she’s saying. I release her. I completely let go of her. Everything hits me like a ton of goddamn bricks when she stands. She dresses, the light completely leaving her eyes as she does. I watch her turn from me and she begins to walk.
“I love you,” I whisper once the door closes behind her.
My body shakes, it’s violent. My shoulders and head slams against the wall behind me. Refusing to cry like a little bitch, I take another pull of my drink. Again, and again. My cock hanging out, flaccid and covered with her wetness.
I wonder offhandedly if I could keep from washing my dick, and for how long, just to have her scent still on my skin. I laugh to myself, because that would be fucking disgusting, but if I thought I could get away with it, I damn well fucking would. Just to keep a piece of her with me, I would fucking not wash myself, I would do anything, for her—to have just a part of her.
Far too many hours pass by. My ass goes numb, my bottle empty. I continue to stare at the door, waiting for something to happen, for someone to come in—for Roxie to come back to me. She doesn’t come back. She doesn’t darken my door.
Standing on shaky legs, I tug my pants up, but am unable to actually button them, I’m too fucking drunk. Stumbling out of the warehouse, I inhale the fresh air around me. It’s dark, the air is a bit wet, and I know that bad weather is on the horizon.
I chuckle to myself, maybe the weather will keep her here with me one more day? Maybe hell will freeze over, and she’ll realize that this is where she’s always meant to be? Maybe I’ll die lonely as I wait for her to need me as much as I do her.
ROXANNE
Leaving the metal warehouse, I hurry back to the clubhouse. I have a new mission. I need to go, and I need to go now. I can feel my body beginning to buzz from the inside out. I need to just get this shit over with. Right here, right now.
Slamming into a body, I only stop when I feel strong hands around my shoulders. Tilting my head back, I see Free’s eyes staring down at me. Free should frighten me. He’s quiet and always assessing.
“I need to go, now, I need to go,” I ramble quickly.
He lifts his eyes, looking around the room, then shifts his gaze back down to me. “You need some meds maybe? Some water?” he asks. He’s sweet to be concerned. Shaking my head, I glance behind me, afraid that Houston is following me or maybe I’m hoping that he is.
&
nbsp; “If you don’t get me to wherever I need to be, I’ll just walk.”
Free sighs. “We don’t know who it is, babe. You know that. We can’t use you as bait until we know who we’re baiting.”
“La Foule, right? That’s who you’re baiting?” I ask.
I listened in on their meeting far longer than I should have, I find that I don’t care much. Even when Free gives me an angry glare, it doesn’t matter. I just need to go—to be gone.
“You need to rest for the night. Roxanne. You’re all worked up. You need some sleep,” he urges.
I nod, intending to do no such fucking thing. I walk away from him, pretending to relax a bit by slumping my shoulders. I go on a search for Lea. She knows where the La Foule group hangs out. She’ll know how to get me into their lair.
Glancing behind me, I let out a breath when I notice that Free is no longer tracking me with his penetrating gaze. Moving through the crowd of men and women, I am stopped again, but this time it’s Dimples. She lifts a brow at me, a bottle of beer in her hand.
“Going somewhere?” she asks with a smirk.
It dawns on me that she knows exactly who is doing all of this shit, who shot up the club, and who wants me. “I want to know who it is,” I demand. She presses her lips together but otherwise doesn’t speak. “I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I’m willing to sacrifice myself,” I nod.
Her eyes widen, then she tilts her head to the side. “Why?”
“I love him. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt.”
She rolls her lips together. “Take off walking, they’ll find you,” she nods, turning around and disappearing in the small crowded room.
I think about going upstairs to get my meds, then decide against it. I’m feeling agitated, I haven’t slept in a while, and I can’t focus on much except leaving. I need to leave. I can think of nothing else. In only a pair of jeans, t-shirt, and sandals, I walk out of the back of the clubhouse. I don’t bother hiding my destination of the exit gates.
Twisted with Chaos: A CASH BAR NOVEL Page 13
