The Million Pieces of Neena Gill

by Emma Smith-Barton

  I look over at my bedroom window. No, I’m being stupid. Mum and Dad could catch me again. And, after what happened at school today, they’ll really hit the roof. They’ve already taken art school away from me. What if they try to get me married off sooner?

  But he makes you happy, Neena.

  On the other hand, this might be one of the last times I see Josh. I should see him as much as I can before the summer. I could have one last happy night with him. Not think about all the crap in my life. And Josh will still be awake: he said he was going to revise until midnight, and it’s only 11.20.

  Already the sadness is fading away. I’m grinning now. We can go on an adventure together! A happy adventure. Another idea slips into my head …

  My stomach’s buzzing with excitement as I rummage through the cupboard next to the kitchen sink. I dig out an old grey wicker picnic basket. Mum used to pack it with treats, like spicy spring rolls, when we went on family day trips. But that was a long, long time ago. From the fridge, I grab samosas, pakoras, chicken curry and rice. My hands are shaking. I’ll be in so much trouble if I get caught. But I think of Josh’s deep kisses, how safe I feel with his arms round me, and it spurs me on. I find leftover rotis in the bread bin. I pile it all into the basket without heating it – that’s too risky, making all that noise. Finally, I close the kitchen door and tiptoe back to my bedroom.

  I sit on my bed, the picnic basket at my feet, and text Josh, telling him to meet me for a midnight picnic at the park.

  Be happy. That’s the last thing my brother ever said to me.

  ‘I’m trying, Akash,’ I whisper. ‘I’m trying my best.’

  Then I wait, searching the internet for any more information about Jay, any more clues about Akash’s disappearance, as I wait for Josh to reply.

  The moon is full and bursting with brightness. Akash speaks to me. Keep going, he says. This way, this way. I clutch my wicker basket and keep walking. The streets are quiet. Still. Houses are darkened. There’s no noise other than the occasional passing car. The silent air carries the beat of my desperate heart.

  Boom-boom. Boom-boom.

  I pass a row of shops: an old post office, hairdresser’s, charity shop. Traffic lights change for no one but me. Street lights illuminate the road ahead. And the moon, he holds my hand, holds it tight. You can do this, Neena, he says. You deserve this.

  Josh is waiting for me next to the entrance of the park, his hands buried deep in his jeans pockets. His dark hair shimmers in the moonlight. I run to him. He lifts me up, kisses me. I press my face into his soft hoody; breathe in his soapy scent.

  Together, we climb over the railings like fierce, wild rabbits. We run down the path hand in hand, laughing. The park is dark – trees and bushes hidden in shadows – but we find a spot on the bank leading down to the playground. Here moonlight shines over the neatly mown grass. We sink to the ground, breathless, and I pull out the picnic blanket from the basket.

  ‘What’s this?’ Josh asks.

  ‘A feast,’ I tell him, taking out the containers of curry. ‘My mum’s food. You won’t have tasted anything like it.’

  We settle down on the blanket. Josh reaches for a samosa and bites into it. I take one too, bite into the crisp pastry, the spicy lamb.

  ‘Oh my God! How have I not tried your mum’s food until now?’ Josh asks. ‘You could have snuck me some before!’

  I look out towards the city lights beyond the park. ‘I guess I’ve always been a bit embarrassed,’ I confess.

  ‘Embarrassed? About what?’

  I stare down at my samosa and think of all the times I’ve changed my clothes before going out because they’ve smelled of Mum’s cooking, of curry. ‘Well, about being different,’ I confess.

  Josh doesn’t say anything. I force myself to look up at him again. ‘All I ever wanted was to be different from everyone else,’ he says. ‘It makes you special, Neena Gill.’

  I gaze into Josh’s eyes. I’m so happy right now, with the whole world locked outside those gates. No one can reach us here. None of the day’s events seem real. It’s perfection. We grin at each other, eat in silence, dipping rotis into the daal, sharing chunks of buttery chicken. We watch the stars and the moon, our legs spread out in front of us. Josh names some of the stars as we eat and it makes me laugh.

  ‘What is it with you and stars?’ I ask him. ‘Do you seriously want to be an astronaut?’

  Josh shrugs. ‘Anything that’ll get me far away from here,’ he says. ‘I just think it would be … cool.’

  Suddenly I remember us as kids, in primary school, reading out our accounts of what we did in the holidays. We’d all written about things like going to theme parks and getting pet guinea pigs. But Josh had described camping in the garden with his dad, stargazing. How had I forgotten that?

  ‘I get it,’ I tell him, nodding.

  He smiles but then frowns. ‘That was kind of freaky when you came over earlier, wasn’t it?’ He gives a nervous little laugh.

  The moonlight seems to dim. I don’t know what to say.

  ‘But you’re OK now?’ he continues. ‘Aren’t you?’

  I don’t tell him I still think the teachers are plotting against me – does that seem freaky to him too? And anyway I don’t want one of our last nights together to be weird or serious or sad. I just want it to be happy. ‘Yes, I’m OK,’ I tell him. ‘I feel … normal.’

  Josh smiles again and I cheer up a bit. ‘Talking about normal … I know we’ve talked about this, and that it’s tricky, but I’d love to take you on a proper date. I don’t know – to the cinema, or dinner, or even just for a walk … Anything. Can we find a way?’

  I rub the back of my neck. I feel hot. ‘I don’t know,’ I tell him. What if Mum and Dad catch me? Send me to Pakistan immediately? ‘But I … I’ll have a think … I do want to … But …’ My neck is getting hotter.

  Josh leans into me; plants soft kisses on my neck. ‘It’s OK,’ he whispers. ‘I just thought I’d ask. But really it’s OK.’

  ‘It is?’

  ‘Of course.’

  He continues to kiss my neck. They feel so good, his kisses. No one’s kisses will ever make me feel like this. I close my eyes. Josh kisses my ear. My cheek. My mouth. I kiss him back.

  But then, for some reason, I think about Jay. ‘I have to tell you something,’ I say to Josh. ‘Something I should’ve told you a long time ago.’

  ‘Sure.’ Josh raises his eyebrows. Waits.

  ‘I … I …’ But I can’t tell him. It won’t come out.

  For a moment, I think I see Akash in the distance, standing under some branches. But, when I blink, there’s nothing there. Just shadows. I wish he’d come and see me right now. I just want a hug from him. I look back at Josh.

  ‘What is it?’ he asks.

  I want to cry, but I smile instead. ‘I want to kiss you forever,’ I say.

  Josh smiles too. He leans forward and kisses me again. When he stops and looks me in the eyes, he laughs. ‘I can’t believe we’re in the middle of a park, having a picnic at midnight!’ he says, shaking his head. ‘This is definitely the craziest thing I’ve ever done for love.’

  ‘Love?’ I say, and it comes out light and breathless. Am I hearing him right?

  He laughs again. ‘Isn’t it obvious? I’ve loved you for years, Neens. Ever since you held my hand when I fell off that bike in primary school and the other kids laughed. Remember?’

  I nod. I remember! I do!

  Josh tilts his head towards the dark sky, the stars, the moon. ‘I love you, Neena Gill!’ he howls.

  I laugh. I want to say it back but I can’t speak. All I can do is kiss him, and hold on to his words. I let them wrap themselves round me like a blanket, soft and warm. Josh loves me. He loves me!

  My alarm rings in my ears like a siren. I jump out of bed. Pull on trousers. Shirt. Sweatshirt. No time for a shower. I need to get to school: I can’t wait to see Josh and I need to show Miss Taylor my essay to prove I’m not
a cheat. I rub my sore eyes. Another sleepless night, but this time for the most amazing reason …

  Josh loves me. He loves me!

  I waltz down the hallway to the bathroom. Brush my teeth. Wash my face. But, when I go back to my bedroom, I’m shocked. It’s a total mess. The carpet’s covered in clothes and books and pages and pages of revision notes. The duvet’s been flung to the floor. It’s as if someone snuck in here while I was in the bathroom and messed everything up. I feel dizzy. Unsteady. I need to clean it up. If anything in my life is ever going to be OK, I must sort all this out, get organized.

  My phone buzzes as I start cleaning. A message from Fi. Again.

  Meet me at breaktime? Nd to talk!

  I push my phone aside. ‘I can’t trust Fi. She’s been spying on me for the teachers,’ I remind myself. I focus on tidying up, whizz round the room, folding clothes, putting books on shelves, lining up my shoes against the wall and making my bed again and again until it’s perfect. Getting everything in order. When I stop, I feel much better. I pick up my phone to check the time, but see that I’m late for school! It doesn’t make sense – it seems I was cleaning for five or ten minutes tops, not over an hour. I’ve missed first lesson and now it’s double English, which I absolutely can’t miss. I need to see Miss Taylor. I need to hurry.

  But, before I leave, there’s one last thing I have to do. I step up on to my dressing table and take down my framed sky-sea poster. I know my brother gave it to me but that was before. Now I’m not someone who worries. I’m not someone who takes medicine for her anxiety. I don’t need to look at the picture to feel better, or less alone. I tuck it behind my dressing table.

  I shout goodbye as I dash out of the house. No one answers. The house is very, very quiet. I guess Dad’s already left for work and Mum must still be sleeping. She did seem extra exhausted yesterday.

  Miss Taylor is halfway through the lesson when I get there. She’s standing at the front of the classroom, her curly hair wild as she waves her arms around like she’s conducting an orchestra. I barge in and she stops talking. I go straight up to her, push my essay into her hands. ‘To show you I can do it,’ I tell her. ‘I did a plan and everything.’

  I grin and grin at her. I am so pleased with myself.

  But she frowns back at me. ‘Oh … uh … Thank you, Neena. Do join us.’ She waves a hand at the desk in front of her and I sit down.

  ‘But aren’t you going to read it, miss?’ I ask. I plead with my eyes. I can’t wait.

  She sighs. ‘OK, class,’ she announces. ‘Enough of me talking. Let’s do a timed essay!’

  There are groans around the class, but she ignores them and writes a title on the board. Then she bends down next to me. ‘OK, Neena,’ she says. ‘I’ll read this now. And, if you can prove yourself in this timed essay too, it might be enough to get you off the hook. Can you focus?’

  I nod enthusiastically. I know I can do it. Josh loves me. I can do anything.

  ‘OK,’ she says, smiling now. ‘I’ll be very happy to be proved wrong.’ She pats my arm. ‘Good luck.’

  After the lesson, Miss Taylor keeps me back. She’s smiling again, her eyes bright, so I know it’s good news.

  ‘This essay’s very good, Neena,’ she says. She straightens her perfectly ironed cream blouse and presses her hands against her hips. ‘But are you sure you didn’t have any help?’

  I shake my head. ‘My brother’s been helping me with art,’ I confess. ‘But not English. I’ve done that all by myself.’

  She looks a bit shocked. ‘Right. I see. Well …’ She waves my essay in the air. ‘This is very good. I always knew you had it in you, Neena. It’s just been … confusing … to see your marks be so erratic.’

  She squeezes my arm and it’s like an electrical current passes between us, filling me with even more energy. I beam at her. I get it. She’s on my side now. I can trust her again.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say, before rushing out. I can’t wait to tell Josh the good news. Is this what love is, I wonder? Wanting to share all the good and the bad with someone?

  Josh is sitting under the willow tree at the end of the field, leaning against the tree trunk, eating his usual cheese roll. I feel like I’m flying as I hurry towards him. I can’t stop smiling. I can’t remember the last time I smiled so much.

  He loves me. He loves me!

  ‘Guess what!’ I say, sinking down beside him. ‘You were right! Miss Taylor isn’t against me! Maybe Mr Butler isn’t either. I’ve got him next lesson so I’ll –’

  ‘Neena,’ he interrupts. And I see that he’s not smiling or happy. He’s frowning. ‘We need to talk.’

  I freeze. I want to reach out and hold his hand, or kiss him, or hug him. But I don’t move. I hold my breath because I know that whatever he’s about to say isn’t good. Maybe this is about me kissing Jay. Has he somehow found out? I stare at him.

  His cheeks go red. ‘It’s just something … something Fiona said,’ he says. ‘I was going to mention it yesterday, but you were so upset, and then … Anyway, it’s been playing on my mind.’

  ‘Fi?’ I’m furious. My feet are hot. She’s been talking to Mr Butler, and now Josh too? ‘What did she say?’

  ‘She thinks things are moving too fast between us. That I should back off. That you have a lot on your plate – and I know, I know you have, but …’

  I can’t believe what I’m hearing. ‘What? Why would she say that?’ First the teachers and now she’s trying to sabotage my relationship too.

  ‘I mean, she had been drinking,’ Josh continues. ‘And she sort of went off on this little rant about men just wanting one thing, and then said I should leave you alone. I’d been drinking too; can’t remember her exact words. But she basically said … something about … about you not knowing what you want. Have you been talking to her … about us? Did you say something?’

  ‘No! And I don’t want you to back off. I thought that was obvious!’ I don’t understand where all this is coming from. None of this bothered him last night. Fi must have really got her claws into him. The cow.

  ‘When did she say all this?’ I ask, trying to understand.

  ‘Last week. Fi had a party and then we ended up going into town. We were all pretty wasted.’

  ‘Last week?’ That doesn’t make sense. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? What party? You went to Fi’s without me?’

  I suddenly have this cosy picture of Fi and Josh in a bar, doing shots and dancing. I try to push the image away but it sticks. I feel sick. Has she got her eye on Josh? Is that why she didn’t mention them going out? What else has she been hiding from me?

  ‘We weren’t going to tell you about the party,’ Josh says. ‘You were having such difficulty getting out in the evenings – we didn’t want you to feel left out. That’s why I didn’t mention it before … But hang on, you’re missing the point! Do you want me to back off, Neens? It’s not exactly the message I’ve been getting from you, but … I need to make sure.’

  I take Josh’s hand. ‘No! None of that’s true. I don’t know why she said all those awful things. I know exactly what I want. Especially after last night.’

  Josh looks briefly puzzled but it passes, and he grins. ‘So I shouldn’t back off?’

  ‘No!’

  I stare into his eyes to make him believe me, as if our lives depend on it, and when he smiles again it feels like we’re invincible. And I think: Our lives do depend on it. Mine does anyway.

  Josh moves a strand of hair off my face. ‘Then prove it to me,’ he says.

  I gaze into his eyes. ‘OK,’ I say. ‘I think … I think I’m ready.’

  Josh’s face and neck go red. ‘No! I didn’t mean like that!’ Then he smiles. ‘But let’s maybe talk about that later too?’

  ‘So what are you talking about then?’ I ask, confused again.

  Josh takes my hand. ‘Well, a bunch of us are going out in town tonight. Come with me?’

  I squeeze Josh’s hand. I want to but I can’
t risk it with Mum and Dad. Especially with all this talk about going to Pakistan. ‘I don’t think I can, Josh. I’m sorry.’

  Josh’s shoulders sink. He looks down at his lap, at the remainder of his lunch.

  ‘I thought you understood?’ I say. I’m beginning to feel like the world’s worst girlfriend again and it sucks. Especially after the thrill of last night.

  ‘I … I do … I try to anyway.’ Josh screws up the last bit of his roll in the foil wrapper. ‘It’s just …’ He hesitates.

  ‘Tell me,’ I say. ‘I want to know everything. I don’t want us to have any secrets.’

  He nods. ‘It’s like, logically, I know that it’s your parents’ rules. And I know you’d be seen in public with me if you could. But …’ He swallows. ‘You hiding me away, it feels like … I don’t know, like I’m not good enough, I guess.’

  I touch Josh’s face. ‘Oh, Josh. I’m so sorry, but you know that’s not true, right?’

  ‘I know, I know, it’s silly …’ He perks up a bit. ‘And I know I’m putting pressure on you. But I think I just got my hopes up for no reason. Fiona said you wouldn’t be able to go.’

  My whole body tenses. ‘Fi?’ Her again. What’s she got to do with this? ‘Is she going too?’

  ‘Yeah, she’s organizing it. But she said you wouldn’t be able to get away. Though we both think you need to let your hair down.’

  My stomach churns. Fi will be there. They’ll be drinking in pubs, dancing in clubs. Fi is beautiful. She’s a great dancer. I’ve never even been to a club. Something inside me snaps.

  ‘You know what?’ I say, moving closer to Josh. I look deep into his eyes. ‘You want me to come? Then I’ll come.’ I’m not going to let Fi steal Josh away from me. I’m going to watch her every move. He loves me. Me.

  Josh’s eyes smile at me. ‘Really? You think you can? We can be like a proper couple on a proper date.’

  I’m shocked by how desperate he is for a ‘proper date’: he’s been so cool about it until now, it’s barely even mattered. Has it? This is Fi’s work. It must be.

  ‘Yes,’ I say, like it’s no big deal. I know how risky it is, and I have no idea what I’ll wear. But I know that I have to be there to keep an eye on Fi.