by Tara Brown
Grace’s and Cap’s words flit through my mind and I decide to take a chance. I whisper, “This is a mistake. We’re supposed to be together. I feel it. And I think you do too. You have my heart, Jenny.”
She tenses but says nothing.
The silence is a crushing blow.
It takes every ounce of strength in me to walk out without turning back and begging her. I close the door and pause, unsure how to fix this.
It’s the strangest feeling.
For the first time, I’m scared of losing her. She isn’t just someone to spend time with or a fun weekend. She’s it. Brady’s right. She’s the real thing.
But she doesn’t feel the same way about me. She wouldn’t have let me leave like that if she did.
The brick-oven apartment building makes attempts at killing me as I walk down the stairs and stumble out the front door, sitting on the stoop and staring at the street.
This helplessness is the worst.
My heart is so heavy I don’t see how my chest can hold it in place. Any second, I swear it’s going to fall out and tumble onto the road. I wonder which will hurt more, that or the searing pain of the lump in my throat.
My phone buzzes and I rip it from my pocket, hoping it’s her but it’s Nat.
I take a couple of deep breaths and answer, “Hey,” I wonder if she can hear it, hear the echo in my empty voice.
“Hey, I’m walking to your place.” She sounds funny. “I need your help. Are you home?”
“I’m on my way. Be there in twenty.” I get up and end the call, walking to my car, certain I’ll never recover from this.
I don’t want to.
Recovering would mean letting go and I can’t.
9
Ultimate betrayal
Wednesday, July 26
Jenny
Standing at the end of the line for the bag check at the airport, my mind paces between staying and going. His words from last night are stuck in the front of my thoughts, hitting like a chunk of wood to the face every time I repeat them.
He loves me. He didn’t say those words precisely but he didn’t need to.
My heart whispers to turn back and tell him and let the cards fall where they may. But the fear of rejection is too strong. Him telling me he doesn’t want the baby is something I can’t handle today.
“You know when I was pregnant, Lori offered to be my baby daddy. He told me he would marry me and not a single person in the world would know it wasn’t his kid,” a voice says from behind me. “He’s one of the best guys I’ve ever met and this is a terrible way to treat him.”
My heart stops.
Certain it’s a hallucination, I turn around, flinching when I find Sami and Matt standing five feet from me. They’re so out of my reality, I do a double take and make sure I’m at the right place. “What are you doing here?” I ask in a near whisper, confused at how they knew I was at the airport and why they’re here at all.
“What you’re doing is wrong. Trust me. I’ve made this mistake.” Sami walks closer, wearing sunglasses as if that could possibly hide her fabulousness from the world. People are watching us, maybe not certain she’s Sami Ford but sure she’s someone important. “And honestly, this is selfish. And I never thought you were a selfish person. You seemed so cool with all your drums and paintball and Team Canada.” She’s mocking me.
“What are you talking about?” My insides are in a knot. How could she know?
“That you’re going to ruin Nat’s wedding because you’re pregnant and fleeing the city like a coward instead of telling Lori about the baby.” Her words are a slap in the face, which I’m sure is the intended effect. They hit, hurt, and begin a series of questions I refuse to ask aloud, not that I can speak.
“Sami,” Matt warns with his tone, his eyes taking in everyone else.
“H-how the h-hell do you know?” I’m stunned, not just at the size of the balls on this bitch but her ability to know about the baby. Unless Lori knows. Panic seizes my heart. “Does he—does Lori know?”
“Of course not. You think any of us wants to be the person who tells Lori you’re sneaking off with his baby and breaking his heart? He’s a nice guy but he has limits.” Sami lowers her sunglasses so I see her eyes. “You can’t seriously be okay with doing this to him. He’ll never recover from a betrayal of this size. He loves you, even if he hasn’t admitted it yet.” She narrows her gaze. “And while I don’t particularly like you—”
“Sami!” Matt steps in.
“It’s fine.” I wave him off, glancing around to ensure the looky-loos aren’t able to hear what’s being said. This landing in the news is the last thing I need. “Of course I’m not okay with this. But you don’t understand.”
“We do understand. And we’re not trying to butt in, though I know we are.” Matt seems to always be the voice of reason. “But we have some experience in this department. It was months before I found out Sami was pregnant. She hid it from me while we were broken up. It killed me when I found out.”
The confession makes him an instant fish out of water.
“I missed so many important moments. And Sami’s not wrong. Lori’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had. He needs to hear this from you before you leave. And if you choose not to tell him, I can’t keep this secret from him. So he’s gonna find out one way or another. Don’t you want it to be from you?”
It’s not a threat and I don’t take it as such, but I understand that the secret would ruin their friendship, something he’s not willing to risk.
“And not to make it all about us but you’ll ruin Nat and Brady’s wedding if you leave. Lori’s a key member of the wedding party and while Brady’s feelings aren’t likely to sway you, Nat’s the kindest person I’ve ever met. Don’t do this to her.” Matt scowls.
“Maybe you get the baby part, but you don’t understand the rest. I’m poor. Legit poor. I can’t afford to have a baby in this city with no job. It’s not just that I don’t want to tell him. I don’t want him to think—”
“He won’t.” Matt somehow knows what I mean. “Not one of us who’s met you would ever think that about you, Jenny. If anything, everyone will think he trapped you.” He chuckles but the humor is stuck at his lips, his stare remains fierce.
His words hit the spot. Not only am I being a coward, but they think I am indifferent to Lori. That brings a new pain to my chest. If they think that, Lori must too. My act last night worked and he thinks I don’t care that he gave me his heart. A sound escapes my lips with a heave as I fight the tears. It takes a second to be able to speak.
“How did you find out?” I ask, expecting them to tell me this was a game of telephone started by Sukii who has disagreed with my choices from the moment I called her.
But the betrayal is much greater.
“Your brother.” Sami smiles with that smugness, one of the many traits I don’t like about her.
“What?” She might as well have said my mother called from heaven.
“Your brother, Josh, called me this morning. We have some friends in common—they gave him my number.” Matt nods. “He said he’s been trying to reach you, but you aren’t answering his calls. He’s certain you’re making a mistake, and he had planned to come and stop you but he couldn’t, something about an emergency recording session. He said you’re stubborn, and I wasn’t allowed to let you get on the plane. He’s already canceled your flights.”
“I’ll kill him,” I whisper.
“Yeah, he said you would say that. But he thinks one day you’ll thank him for interfering. He said to tell you that Lori is your ‘lobster,’ but you’re too stubborn to admit you have one.”
The words hit hard. Savagely.
I recoil from them as a tear bursts through the dam and streams my cheek.
“What does that mean?” Sami asks.
“It’s from Friends.” I sniffle and wipe my face. “We watched it all the time with my mom.” The image of me and Josh and Mom in her hospital bed bring
s more tears to my eyes. They’re flooding my face. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I remember being pregnant.” Sami shudders.
“Just give him a chance. Don’t assume he won’t be there for you or want to have the kid. Trust me on this one thing.” Matt’s certainty gives me a measure of hope.
“Okay.” I concede, succumbing to him and my brother and the cold hard truth that leaving without telling Lori is a level of cruelty I can’t genuinely condone. “I’ll stay but I’ll tell him after the wedding, okay? So if you can keep the secret a bit longer—”
“Of course,” Matt agrees. “I think that’s for the best.” He subtly nods at Sami. “The wedding’s kind of a big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal,” Sami concurs absently.
“Okay.”
Matt takes my bag and offers me his arm.
By the time we get to their limo, I’m emotional and panicking, trying to come up with what to tell Lori. I have half an hour to figure out a reason why I’ve changed my mind about the wedding and how I could be so cruel to him in the first place. He’ll think I’m petty and lame, and I can’t blame him. I betrayed him last night.
Charles, the limo driver from before, smiles at me. “Miss Snowdon.” He nods.
“Hi, Charles, it’s nice to see you again.” I climb in to find Sami and Matt staring with confused expressions. “Lori borrowed your limo. I thought you knew.”
Matt shakes his head. “I swear, Charles likes Lori more than he likes me.”
The limo stops and I realize we’re here but I’m not ready to see him.
“I’ll have someone bring your bags up. Just go in,” Matt says as a valet gets the door.
“Okay, thanks.” I grab my purse and climb out and walk away, a bit scared and a lot worried about whether or not he wants to see me. The lobby is massive and swarming with people.
I don’t know what to do, the elevator’s a whole thing. So I send him a text.
Can you come downstairs?
The text bubbles occur like he’s sending the longest message ever. Certain he’s not coming and the text will be him telling me he doesn’t want to do this anymore, I prepare to get my bags and a cab to Sukii’s.
But the elevator doors open and he walks out, his eyes scanning with desperation in them. When his face lands on mine, he sighs and rushes me.
I hurry over. We pause before we make contact, standing awkwardly. “Hi,” I say but my eyes glisten and my voice cracks.
“Hi.” I can tell that he wants to touch me but he’s not moving. So I move first, stepping into him. He wraps around me and digs in with his trembling fingers as he buries his face in my neck. He drags me into the elevator. We don’t speak but after a moment he lets go, scanning his key. His eyes don’t meet mine.
Seeing the hurt on his face makes me sick and angry with myself. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper.
He bites his lip, staring at the doors. He’s trying to wall himself off, probably because he doesn’t want me to hurt him anymore.
Knowing I did this to him, I burst, “You have my heart too.” My stupid voice cracks again. “And I don’t know how to feel about that. It’s like you said, it’s been a hot minute and you’re all I think about. And it scares me too.”
He’s still staring at the doors as they open. He doesn’t move so I don’t either.
“I’m sorry for pushing you away and taking the job without talking to you.”
He turns, his eyes bursting with emotions but he doesn’t say a thing.
“Say something,” I ask after a minute.
“Are you going to Canada?” He’s livid and it seeps out in his tone.
“Can we talk about it after the wedding? Make that decision together?” I bite my lip, wanting to tell him the whole story but also not wanting to ruin Nat and Brady’s wedding if he doesn’t take it as well as Matt and Sami think he will. “If I stay, will the guest room still be available at this fine establishment? Because I could go for breakfast dates where you pretend not to notice my missing eyebrows.” I smile but tears stream my cheeks.
He rushes me, slamming me into the elevator wall as he attacks. But my response isn’t the same. I’m not clawing at him or ravaging him. Trying to slow him down, I slip out of his arms and lead him from the elevator as I kiss him. His fingers biting into my skin feel amazing, but I need him to make love, not screw.
He figures it out in the gallery and lifts me up and carries me to his bedroom, laying me down gently. He pulls his shirt off as I struggle out of my clothes.
We don’t speak and what started hot and heavy becomes slow and steamy.
He worships me, kissing every inch and driving me to the brink of insanity before setting me free. His need and fury returns when he enters me, his patience has worn thin.
Before too long he’s ravaging me and I’m begging for it.
We end, gasping for air and stuck in awkwardness. It’s a strange feeling I assume comes from the weight of my secret and his distrust after my cold refusal of him in my apartment.
A small part of me wants to tell him but the other parts of me want to cherish the moments we have from now until Sunday. Because after I tell him, I’ll need to be okay with whatever happens.
Having the baby is my choice. I can’t force it on him.
10
Girl code
Lori
“So she’s at your place right now and you’re calling me?” Bev asks, keeping her tone low in that way one does when the other person on the phone is being quiet.
“He’s calling us,” Brady points out on the three-way call I have forced on them both.
“She’s sleeping,” I whisper. “She just showed up randomly and she’s coming to the wedding. She said we have to talk about her staying after the weekend.”
“Have you talked at all?” Bev asks the question I have no clear answer to.
“Not so much. We—uhhh—hung out—and then she fell asleep. She’s snoring. What does this mean?” I ask as I pace on the veranda.
“Maybe she had a couple of drinks. I always snore after a few whiskies.”
“You snore without the whiskies and you know what I mean. This isn’t a joke.” I roll my eyes. “This girl is messing with my head.”
“That’s what girls do, bro. They mess with our heads.” Brady’s advice makes me wonder why I called him at all. “Keep us on our toes.”
“You’re both idiots,” Bev says with a laugh. “I think her showing up means she realized she was being a giant asshole. In her defense though, you’re basically asking her to choose you over success and financial independence. That’s not an easy choice for a girl like her. It isn’t as if you all have been dating for years and she lost her job. You’ve been dating weeks and she quit it to protect you.”
“Right.” I nod along.
“Look, man, I’m not gonna lie. Nat wouldn’t want to quit her job for me. Especially not the first couple of months we were dating.” Brady starts being helpful. “So you should still prepare yourself that she might move. And you could be apart for a while until you convince her to move back and be with you—”
“She can’t go. That’s why I’m calling you two,” I say too loudly and lower my voice again. “I need a plan to make her stay. What if this is it? Like let’s just say soul mates exist, or some shit like that, and what if she’s mine? I can’t let her walk away over a job.” I sound crazy, even to myself.
“Lori, jobs are a big deal to people who don’t have one,” Bev adds. “And Brady might be right, letting her go to Vancouver without a big fight could be what she needs to see she wants to come back and be with you.”
“No! I can’t risk that.” I’m being way too loud but I can’t get my anxiety in check. “Brady, you know what this is like. You were the same as me before Nat. Guys like us don’t date or sleep over. We never tell girls they have our hearts, and I did. This girl owns my soul and there’s no getting it back and she has all the control. And I’m sitting here like an idiot
.”
“Stop panicking. Control in love is such an illusion. Being in love means giving up on control.” Bev laughs into the phone. “God, y'all act like falling in love is the same as getting diagnosed with a disease. Y’all are looking for a cure the moment you have one symptom. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“Love is scary to guys, Bev. So mocking Lori won’t help. I got you, bro. When me and Nat started dating and she was moving to the city, I was dying. I figured for sure we’d never make it.”
“Thanks, Brady. Bev, I don’t want to screw it up. But this is my first time.” I wince and wait for Brady to hit me with the jokes but he doesn’t.
“Does it feel like life or death and that it might change your world if you aren’t with this girl?” he asks, possibly tormenting me, but not caring, the answer leaves my lips.
“Yes. When she told me she was leaving, I couldn’t breathe. I went home and I was numb. And all I could think was fine, I’ll go to Vancouver too.” I don’t mention Nat calling and distracting me with her own insane news. “I need a plan to get her a job here or convince her to stay without smothering her or overdoing it.” I run my hands through my hair. “Because I feel like I’m already going in too strong.”
“Okay, dumbass, the fact you’d quit your job to be near her is friggin’ insane,” Bev pipes up. “This is love, Lori. The way to not mess it up is to be genuine. Be kind. Be loving. Be understanding. And most of all, compromise. I gotta go, Geoff’s waiting. I’ll see you two morons tomorrow.” She ends the call, leaving me and Brady on the line.
“Dude, just make sure she knows how you feel. It worked with me and Nat.”
“Okay,” I say with a heavy sigh. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“With my fucking bells on and all!” He chuckles and the call ends, leaving me standing with my heart aching and my mouth dry, listening to the sound of the traffic and life below.
I finally get what she means about us meeting under different circumstances. If I could choose, I’d wish we met in a year from now. She’d be over Ben and the strain of that would be gone. She’d still have a job and an apartment and the Liam thing wouldn’t have happened.
