by Tara Brown
“You’re not second best.” I can’t smile or joke about this because I know he’s always felt this way.
“Yes, I am.” He gets up and walks to me and hugs me. “And it’s cool being Jennifer Snowdon’s big brother.”
Tears come out of nowhere, streaming my cheeks. “Haven’t you seen the news?” I pull back and wipe my face. “I’m just the little sister of the lead singer of that band.”
His lips spread into a grin that matches mine. “I love you.”
“Not half as much as I love you.” I snuggle back into his chest and close my eyes, and I can’t help but wonder how this will all work out. Because right now, it feels like too much.
26
Lost and found
Wednesday, August 23
Lori
“His breathing’s better,” I mutter to Callie as she stands next to me at my brother’s bed. But we might as well be talking about a stranger. I wouldn’t have recognized this man as anyone I knew, let alone my brother. He’s in bad shape. He’s skin and bone, his teeth are rotten, and his hair is matted and patchy. His fingertips are blackened with layers of filth. The needle marks and sores are all infected, and his socks have started to grow into his feet. The nurses have been soaking them to try to get the cloth out of his skin. I’ve never seen anything so disgusting in my life. Thankfully he’s covered by blankets so all we see is his face. His weathered and rough face.
“He seems stronger today.” She sits and sighs. “The doctors told Mom and Dad that as of now, they think he’ll pull through.” Her eyes dart to the blankets again. “How did he get this bad? How could he let himself go to this point?”
“I don’t know.” I don’t have an answer. I can’t imagine what the truth is. He wasn’t molested as a kid. We were never punished. No one yelled or hurt us. We had everything a person could ask for, except whatever it is Sean is missing. Was it affection? Love? Praise? I don’t know this man so I can’t answer that. When he was about seventeen, he started to pull away a minuscule amount every day until one day he was gone. Finally, he left the cats with Grace while I was at school and moved out.
Not that any of it matters. All that’s important is he’s here now and we recognize we failed him.
And now he’s this.
Lost.
Sick.
Decayed.
I’ve never seen a mummy before but I think this is what they would look like.
My heart is broken, empty.
“How can this be our brother?” Callie’s voice cracks like she might cry, which would be weird. I can’t recall seeing her emotional since we were kids. And even then, she never let me in on real issues. We are more acquaintances than siblings.
When the tears come, she wipes but doesn’t sniffle, trying to be stoic as they silently stream her face.
Overcome by her losing it, I walk to her and kneel, taking her in my arms and holding so tight I’m sure she’ll break. She’s too thin to squeeze like this, but she hugs back, gripping with all her might. Her gel nails dig into my back as she clings to me. I don’t know when we last hugged, but it feels needed.
I blink and droplets spring from my eyes. They burn because my poor tear ducts haven’t seen much action.
“Lawrence? Callie?” our mother’s voice interrupts. “Is he all right?” She hasn’t sounded normal since we left Vancouver. She’s tense and quiet. It’s creepy.
“He’s fine.” I wipe my face and stand up, towering over her. She’s never appeared small before but now she seems so vulnerable and little I don’t know how to take it.
Callie gets up as well, linking her arm in mine like she might need the support.
“I’ve spoken to the doctors, they’re going to transfer him to Vancouver as soon as he’s strong enough. There’s a facility that deals with this sort of thing.”
“A rehab center?” I ask, not sure Sean will be ready for that.
“A transitional center. They take patients who are this ill and nurse them back to full strength and then begin the slow journey to recovery. He wouldn’t have to change locations at all. And they’re known for their discretion.” She sneaks the important part in.
“Okay. Well, whatever he needs we’ll do. We’ll be there for him.”
“No, Lori. We won’t.” Her stare flickers to mine and when our eyes meet I am looking at a stranger. I’ve never seen this look in her eyes. It’s emotional and raw. “Apparently, we’re likely what caused him to turn to drugs. They call it a trigger and it’s almost a guarantee that we are his. None of us will be allowed to see him until he reaches out for us to come to him.”
“Are you serious?” I boil over too quickly. “We just got him back. We finally find him and you’re already trying to hide him away so no one knows our dirty little secret.” The words fly from my lips, coated in rage. “He’s a fucking person, Mom. He’s your kid. Jesus! How can you dismiss him so easily? If any of us are his trigger, it’s you. So cold and distant! My kid is still a fetus and I already love him or her more than you’ve ever loved us! I’m the only person in this family who has ever given a shit about Sean. Me and Grace.”
Her eyes widen. Callie gasps. My father’s voice booms into the room from the doorway, “Lawrence, you will not speak to your mother like that!”
We all spin to see him seething as he enters the room.
“You’re upset. We all are!” He stomps over to me. “But that doesn’t give you the right to disrespect your mother like that. We’re doing what we think is best for our child. You can assume whatever you’d like about us, but we’ve loved you kids and cared for you. Apologize, now!”
“Fuck this!” I push past him and storm into the hallway where my grandpa is standing.
I expect him to side with me but he shakes his head. “Turn around and apologize, kid. You’re outta line.”
“She wants him hidden away so no one knows—!”
“No, she doesn’t. We spoke to the doctors together. This program has the highest success rate for recovery. This is Sean’s best bet.” He walks to me and points a finger in my face. “You go back in there and apologize. You can disagree with a lot of things your mother has done, but not this. You don’t have kids, you have no idea what this is like.”
I flinch but refuse to hear his words and instead blow past him and storm for the elevators. I’m shaking with fury and justifying all my actions and words with ranting thoughts as the elevator doors close. I press the button for the main floor and when the doors open, I pull my phone out, calling Jenny. I need to hear her voice but she doesn’t answer. She’s probably sleeping again.
I feel awful to leave her there but I knew what this was going to be. And deep down, as much as I wanted to shield her from them, I wanted to hide their flaws from her.
Once I’m outside, I walk to the smoking garden and sit down on the bench, watching a man in a gown puff his life away. He’s visibly sick and possibly dying but that doesn’t stop him from smoking. The smell of it wafts over and reminds me of Sean.
We were kids when he started smoking. I tried it once and hated it but he continued on. And now I wish I’d stopped him or did something. My regrets are heavy inside me. If I hadn’t gone away to school, maybe he wouldn’t have moved out.
“Your brother was a hard baby. He cried all the time. There was no satisfying him,” my mother’s voice is small as she walks to me and sits down on the bench. “I thought he could tell that I didn’t want him. I didn’t want kids.” She starts to cry and her words break my heart. “Especially after he loved the nanny we hired when I’d gone months with no sleep. Neither of us was thriving.” She sniffles. “Now I think I might have had postpartum but twenty-eight years ago it wasn’t something people considered as often.”
She inhales shakily and exhales slowly before speaking again.
“We never bonded, he and I. And when Callie was born, I promised myself I wouldn’t make the mistake of trying to force myself on a child. Particularly, when I wasn’t good at par
enting. I let the nanny care for her and then you. I hired people I thought would be better for you. Bert, Grace, all of them. They’re the sort of people who should be parents.” Her words are cold again and I realize she never felt worthy of us. “That was my way of loving you all. I gave you what I thought was best, better than me.”
My already broken heart is destroyed.
“I know this is my fault. Sean is my fault. You don’t have to tell me that.” She heaves but manages to get it under control. “But you have to trust me, I am making the best choice for him now. I am listening to the doctors who know what to do.”
I can’t speak. I want to apologize. I want to tell her I love her and that she wasn’t a bad mom. But my words, lies, are stuck in my clogged throat.
“And if you are having a child, I want you to know that in my heart I believe you will be a better parent than I ever was. You have so much of Bert and Grace and your grandfather in you. The best of them all.” She nods and more sobs slip out with tears she loses her hold on. “You might be the best thing I ever made.”
That’s the end of my strength. I’m a kid again, waiting for her to tell me she’s proud of me. And the moment has come. I lose it, sobbing and wrapping around my mom, crying into her hair.
Her response is desperate and fierce. She turns and clings to me, unleashing her anguish into my shoulder.
“I-I’m so-so sorry, Mo-mom.” I can barely speak but I manage to get that out.
“No, I am. I failed you all.”
“We both failed you all,” my father says as he joins in on the hug. Callie doesn’t speak, but I feel her gel nails digging into my skin as she trembles with racking sobs. We’ve never group hugged before. Crying isn’t our thing. We’re the “stiff upper lip” people. The “make a joke to change the mood” kind of people. But there is no holding this back. It’s twenty plus years in the making. And now that it’s out, we won’t be able to get it back.
As much as it hurts to feel, I don’t want it to go back to the way it was.
The desperate moment is interrupted when Gramps calls to us from the door, “He’s awake and asking for you, Lori. I think all the shouting woke him.”
We turn and rush to the door, still sort of holding on. Callie has Dad’s hand and Mom has her arm linked in mine.
We’re numb and silent in the elevator, even Gramps doesn’t speak.
When we get to the door, my insides are burning with fear. It’s been years since I’ve spoken to Sean. I don’t know what to say, but I push through and walk into the room, leaving my family outside.
Sean doesn’t look like himself at first. He’s motionless, eyes closed and face gaunt. But when I sit, the chair makes a sound and he turns. His eyes open enough to see the dark blue of his irises. He cracks a smile and in that moment I see him. My breath hitches in my throat but I manage to smile back.
“Hey, Bro,” I whisper.
“Lori, my little man. You’re fucking huge, dude.” He grins wider.
“How ya feeling?” I don’t want to talk about me or the amount of time that’s passed or how healthy I am.
“Bad.” He nods once. “They refuse to give me the good stuff. I asked for some K but they said no. You gotta see if you can score me some.” He winks but I know he isn’t kidding.
“Mom and Dad, Callie, and Gramps are here.” I motion at the door. “You want me to tell them to come in?”
“Yeah,” he says with difficulty. “Gotta face the music, I guess.”
“That’s not why they’re here, man. They love you. We all do. We want you to get better.”
His eyes flare like he might argue but there isn’t enough strength in him.
“Just give them a chance, okay?” I get up and walk to the door, waving them in.
Callie comes first, bursting in and rushing him. She takes his hand and squeezes, touching him in a way I imagine is out of her comfort zone.
He smiles. “Hey, Sis.”
“Sean, I’m so glad you’re awake.” She blinks tears down her cheeks.
Dad and Mom walk around to the far side of the bed, drawing his gaze with them. The humor in his eyes is gone. He swallows hard, detaching himself the way we do. He waits for the berating and the disappointment. But for the first time in my life, I’m proud of them. They’re humble and kind. Mom smiles, taking Sean’s hand and squeezing. She says nothing but speaks volumes with the love and worry in her eyes.
Dad places a hand on Sean’s chest. “My boy.”
Sean’s lost by the response. He furrows his brow and glances at me. I nod subtly.
It’s his turn to cry.
And like we did outside, we circle him.
I tell myself this is the start of a new journey with my family, but I don’t get my hopes too high. Just in case.
27
The party
Saturday, August 26
Jenny
Josh and I take one last look at the room where the party is being held. It’s perfect. I wish Lori could see it but I know he’s got his hands full.
“Man, those party planners knocked this outta the park, eh?” Josh says as he spins in a circle.
“There you two are!” Judith storms in, moving quickly for her short legs as if this is urgent and she’s on a mission. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”
“What’s got you fired up?” Josh asks, grinning at her dramatics. He doesn’t get annoyed by her. Somehow he manages to find her amusing or brush off everything she says or does.
“Well, your father needs a ride here and he’s saying he doesn’t want to go out. I don’t know how to get him to come to the hall without telling him about the party. He’s being difficult. And here you two are, instead of at the house helping out.” She throws her arms in the air.
“Okay, we’ll go and take care of him.” Josh chuckles and puts his hands on my back to push me toward the door. “Don’t worry, we’ll have him here by six on the dot.”
“No, ten after six so we can prepare for the surprise. If that’s not too much to ask.” Judith has that tone that fires me up but Josh leads me away before I can respond.
When we get outside, Josh chuckles. “At least Sarah, the precious, has been here all week to help me prepare,” Josh says in his Judith voice, mocking her and our stepsister, Sarah. “Not a single friggin’ thanks for you or me. Do you ever wonder what Dad is thinking?”
“Daily,” I mutter as we climb into the SUV he rented.
“Like Mom and Judith couldn’t be further apart and yet Dad seems happy. Mystifying.” He drives us from the seaside hall, where the party is taking place, toward the house our dad bought in Porters Lake, a suburb just outside Halifax on a stunning saltwater lake that flows directly into the ocean.
“Maybe he’s just scared to be alone.” I glance at Josh.
“Maybe. You hear from Lori today?”
“No.” I try not to sound disappointed. “We haven’t talked much except for some quick texts. He’s been hanging with his brother. After he woke up, they all stayed with him, even his parents. Lori said he has so much to tell me, but he doesn’t know when he’s leaving. Sean’s going to some place in Van that nurses you back to health and then does a rehab program. It’s lengthy, like a year or something. So when Sean goes there, Lori’s coming home.”
“Right, family needs to be separated from the patient while they sort out their triggers. A friend did this. It was brutal.” Josh cringes. “I don’t envy anyone in that family. It’s a long road.”
“Yup,” I agree though I have no idea. But his words confirm what I already recognized yesterday when I accepted Stan’s job offer. Lori has a long road with Sean, meaning a lot of time on the West Coast.
Josh parks and we get out, finding Dad in the yard tinkering with the lawn mower. He stands and sighs heavily. “If this is about that party, I’m not going.”
Josh laughs at the fact that Dad already knows, but I scoff. “You’re going and you’re going to like it.”
“
What she says,” Josh adds.
“No one asked me how I felt about a surprise party,” Dad grumbles. “So surprise! I’m not coming. I hate parties.”
“That’s a lie. You love parties and reminiscing over all those glory days as a cop.” Josh sits on the bench across from where Dad’s messing with the mower. “We have two hours to get you ready for the ball or the wicked stepmother will turn us into pumpkins and smash us.”
“Josh, what did I say about calling her your wicked stepmother?” Dad arches a thick dark eyebrow.
“Listen, if the shoes fit—”
“Anyway,” I cut in before this escalates, “Judith has gone to a lot of trouble for this party. You are going. So go inside and shower, now please.” I point at the house, not taking no for an answer. Mostly because the blame will rest on my shoulders and no one else’s.
Dad stares for a second like he might fight us on this, but slumps and gives in. “Fine, but I want it known I’m not happy.”
“Duly noted, no one cares. Happy birthday.” I laugh, making him laugh too but his is bitter. He finishes the beer on the table and saunters up to the house, favoring his right hip a bit. “Stop limping, you’re as bad as our old dog when it was groomer day.”
He ignores me and walks into the house.
“You gonna tell him about the baby?”
“No, he’s miserable. He hates surprises and attention. Adding babies and unwed daughters to the evening won’t fix anything.”
“Especially since Sarah is engaged to her new rich boyfriend.”
“What?” I glance over, wincing. “Seriously?”
“Yeah, I heard Judith bragging about it this morning when me and the boys were sound checking. They’re going to announce it tonight at the party in a toast.” He steps in and nudges me gently. “Just wanted to give you the heads up.”
