VI
Oh, if I had done nothing simply from laziness! Heavens, how I shouldhave respected myself, then. I should have respected myself because Ishould at least have been capable of being lazy; there would at leasthave been one quality, as it were, positive in me, in which I couldhave believed myself. Question: What is he? Answer: A sluggard; howvery pleasant it would have been to hear that of oneself! It wouldmean that I was positively defined, it would mean that there wassomething to say about me. "Sluggard"--why, it is a calling andvocation, it is a career. Do not jest, it is so. I should then be amember of the best club by right, and should find my occupation incontinually respecting myself. I knew a gentleman who prided himselfall his life on being a connoisseur of Lafitte. He considered this ashis positive virtue, and never doubted himself. He died, not simplywith a tranquil, but with a triumphant conscience, and he was quiteright, too. Then I should have chosen a career for myself, I shouldhave been a sluggard and a glutton, not a simple one, but, forinstance, one with sympathies for everything sublime and beautiful.How do you like that? I have long had visions of it. That "sublimeand beautiful" weighs heavily on my mind at forty But that is at forty;then--oh, then it would have been different! I should have found formyself a form of activity in keeping with it, to be precise, drinkingto the health of everything "sublime and beautiful." I should havesnatched at every opportunity to drop a tear into my glass and then todrain it to all that is "sublime and beautiful." I should then haveturned everything into the sublime and the beautiful; in the nastiest,unquestionable trash, I should have sought out the sublime and thebeautiful. I should have exuded tears like a wet sponge. An artist,for instance, paints a picture worthy of Gay. At once I drink to thehealth of the artist who painted the picture worthy of Gay, because Ilove all that is "sublime and beautiful." An author has written AS YOUWILL: at once I drink to the health of "anyone you will" because I loveall that is "sublime and beautiful."
I should claim respect for doing so. I should persecute anyone whowould not show me respect. I should live at ease, I should die withdignity, why, it is charming, perfectly charming! And what a goodround belly I should have grown, what a treble chin I should haveestablished, what a ruby nose I should have coloured for myself, sothat everyone would have said, looking at me: "Here is an asset! Hereis something real and solid!" And, say what you like, it is veryagreeable to hear such remarks about oneself in this negative age.
Notes from the Underground Page 6
