Chapter 5
THE SEXUAL
EXERCISE CENTRE
Over breakfast, Bluey was going over every conceivable scenario that he could think of, trying to find a way of attracting a sponsor for the band. While the other members just sat around and listened to what he had to say on the subject. By now they had all come around to the idea and thought that it would be a good thing for the band. However, they also had no idea how they were going to attract a sponsor, who would pay that kind of money to a group of people who they did not know. At one time it was suggested that Bluey call in a few of the many favours that some people had owed him over the years, since he had been in the business. Unfortunately, he had used them up years ago, it was now a case of favours that he owed other people, and Bluey was keeping his fingers crossed that they would not be calling any of them in right at this moment.
By now it was becoming a bit of an obsession, allowing himself to stoop to any level in order to achieve his final ambition, of being able to play at the Boondall Entertainment centre. Over the years whenever possible he had witnessed some of the top bands in the world perform there, and to be able to stand on that very same piece of halo stage, was all that he wanted in life. He also knew that he did not have many years left in the business, and so it would probably be his last chance to obtain this dream he had been living for most of his musical career.
Today was definitely not a day for jokes and the band realised it, keeping them to their selves or at least to a bare minimum. Bluey was in another world as they could sense his brain trying to tick over and move up another notch in its search for an answer to their problem.
Clutching at straws Bluey got up from the table and used the public phone by the counter and rang Lofty on the pretence that he was inquiring as too why they had not seen him for a couple of days. Then gradually changing the subject, he explained what he was trying to achieve for himself and the band, and asked if he knew of anybody who would part with that sort of money. At that particular time, he could not help Bluey but offered to ask around, to see what he could do for them. Although deep inside Bluey just knew that he would not be able to help them, as he only moved around in the Valley side of town. What Bluey needed was somebody in the uptown commercial office area, who had the loan of some company directors ear, or at least a foot in their door.
It was Nicky who reminded Bluey that they had better drop somebody off at the council yard, otherwise Harry would be complaining. This was not the time to lose their earning potential, if they were looking for $3000. From now on, they were going to need every single cent that they could lay their hands on, and that time was not on their side.
After picking up their daily orders from Harry, Bluey dropped Terry, Claudie and Ruhti off at one of the many parks around Wynnum, where they were to undertake a spot of weeding in the flowerbeds. As Bluey drove off with Nicky by his side, he called out to them that it was good for their soul, and that he would see them later.
Over at Stones Corner, Betont only had a couple of small parcels to be delivered around the city. This was very disappointing for Bluey knowing full well that they only got paid for each parcel, and so today, they were not going to earn a fortune like Bluey had wanted. After pestering Betont as to whether he had changed his mind about the sponsorship, and being told that he was still not interested, they drove out of his yard.
Halfway through the morning Lofty managed to get a message to them that he wanted to see them most urgently.
When Bluey and Nicky met lofty, they could sense that he was very excited and bubbling to tell them something. As he came straight out and informing them, that he’d had a stroke of luck and had found a sponsor for them. Blueys mouth dropped wide open although the word Strewth did not manage to leave his lips this time, it was as though he was in some kind of shock. It was the one thing he had dreamt of hearing, and now he couldn’t utter a single word in response. As if to help Bluey through this speechless period, lofty continued to tell him that he had spoken to his Boss, and that he had been favourable to the idea, wanting to know more about the event. He continued to tell him that if they wanted they could talk to him right now as he was still in his office at the club.
Not wanting to waste any time Lofty took them to meet his American boss Ivor Halfannacker. Where upon Bluey ran through all of the details once again, and tried to answer any questions that he enquired about. Once they all had a good idea of what was expected of each other Ivor told Bluey that he was quite happy with what was being offered, as long as he could add a couple of things that would make it an agreeable package for him. Still bubbling Bluey was in a frame of mind where he would have accepted anything just to do a deal with him.
Being a successful businessman, he had more than one company in Brisbane and in order that he could get some fairly good publicity for one of his newer ventures, he wanted to use its name to spread it around the town. He then went on to tell them that the venture was a sexual aids shop, or sexual exercise centre, as he preferred to call it. That he had just recently opened on the Gympie road on the way out of town. The room fell into silence as they all tried to take it in. However, Bluey was first to respond that it was okay by him, in fact at that late stage anything would have been okay by him. Ivor told him that he had already rang the organisers, just to check that he was not being taken for a ride. He wanted to make sure that Bluey knew in no uncertain terms that if he was that he should think twice before proceeding with the offer. However, the organiser had informed him that the band had to actually be working for the company, and so he had come up with a plan that would ensure everybody concerned were all working for the Acme Sexual Aids Company, as he had named his new company.
How would you like to be a courier drivers for the company, then you can deliver all of the sexual aids to the people who order over the phone, because they are too embarrassed to come in and pick them up personally.
Bluey was keen to know more of the finer details, and asked Ivor how he would pay them. To which he was told that they could still carry on delivering their usual packagers for the guy over at Stones Corner, while delivering for him at the same time and that he would pay them for each of his packages that they delivered just like everybody else. To help them he had a couple of magnetic signs that he would require them to stick onto the sides of the van, just to give him further publicity around the town.
When do we start Bluey asked, and Ivor said right now? If you go to the shop they will give you the signs and a couple of plain brown envelopes, it will give you a little idea what it's all about. As they were about to leave the room Ivor added that there was just a couple more things, he wanted Lofty to become a member of the band just for the Boondall gig. He felt that it would just make it look a little more legal on the night, and that they might like to play a couple of brackets at the shop on Saturday afternoon. Maybe they would be able to entice the public in to sample his wears, as well as giving the band a little publicity. Nicky could not resist asking if the band could have a little discount if they shopped there, not really understanding what was being sold by the shop. Then without any further thought, Bluey just agreed and they were on their way, to deliver their first plain brown envelope to and eagerly awaiting Brisbane public.
At the shop they parked the van by the kerbside just by the front door and were suddenly confronted by one of the female workers wearing only some very scant under wear, carrying the two, what turned out to be very large magnetic signs. The sight of the girl, who might not have been wearing anything, because what she was was very revealing, caught them both off guard. Strewth, Bluey exclaimed being back to his usual self, and bubbling with enthusiasm. You’ll get your death of cold out here lady dressed like that. Nicky added that Bluey had just made a wrong statement, because in actual fact she was not technically dressed, mores to the point she was in fact undressed. As Bluey took the signs from the girl, he told her that she had better go inside otherwise she might attract a stalker, to which Nicky added t
hat he already had. Both agreed that they were going to enjoy working for this company, if only to look at the scenery.
The signs were very long taking up both sides of the van, proclaiming in very large lettering that it belonged to the Acme Sexual Aids Company, and specialised in sexual education and toys for all sexes and ages. At first they thought that it might be a little embarrassing driving around the town with the signs revealing to the world the business they were in. However, they soon convinced themselves that while they were in the van at least they could not see it. Anyway, it was going to be good publicity in the end for the band. Now all they had to do was to win the competition and then they would finally be in the money.
They could not resist the temptation to go inside to have a look around; after all, they finally had a legitimate excuse to enter the premises. Up until now they had never been game enough, thinking that if anybody saw them enter one of these shops, they might be compared with some of the local perverts that were supposed to frequent these types of establishments. Bluey could not help himself and added that at least they we not warring a raincoat.
Once inside their eyes almost popped out of their heads, with what lay out before them. Nicky had thought that the only thing these places sold was blue videos, blue magazines and lots and lots of condoms of all shapes and sizes. Remarking that there was nothing blue in the entire shop, just shelves and shelves of what the girls told them were toys. While Nicky was walking around the display cases, he could not resist picking up every single item to give it the once over. A lot of the items seemed to be battery operated and it was not long before Nicky had several of them running, and the shop was abuzz to the sound of very small electric motors all purring away merrily.
Bluey on the other hand just stood staring at the three girls who were running the place. Because all of them were only wearing what could be described as light under wear, and ultra light at that. It was not long before he called over to Nicky telling him that he thought he was going to like working here, and then wasted no time in introducing himself to them. The girls had seen it all before and just took his stares in their stride, giving him a little giggle as they told him their names. There was Candice, Bridget and Sofia, although he doubted very much that they were their real names. However, for now it would do just fine as he’d broken the ice and that was a start. The girls seemed to get a little excited at the prospect of working alongside of a pop group, and Bridget told him that she used to sing origami or something like that. Bluey laughed and told her that was making things with paper, and that didn’t she really mean karaoke. Yeah that’s it, or something like that, I knew it sounded Japanesey. Bluey chuckled to himself wondering how the hell he was going to follow that one, as she sounded like her and Ruhti would make a good couple, at least they would be on the same wavelength of idiotic thoughts.
He could not help asking the girls one very vital question, do people really come in here and buy this sort of stuff. Sure do and our boss makes a very big profit to prove it, said Candice. You might be used to your friends telling you that they wouldn’t touch this sort of stuff with a barge pole. However, let me tell you they are the very same people that keep us in business. I know there’s nobody around at the moment, but you should come in here after dark and it will be crowded. Bluey laughed oh I see they all creep in under cover of darkness do they. Only the Vicar’s said Bridget with a giggle, the rest don’t mind coming in the daylight.
Candice gave Bluey the couple of packages that they had to deliver, as Nicky was too interested in looking at the merchandise. While occasionally calling over to Bluey to look at this and to then burst out laughing. As he held up one such item, all Bluey could say was Strewth, I’d like to see that. The girls told them that they had better get on their merry way, because they could come back anytime to continue to look around. You bet we will Nicky told them as he closed up the magazine he was flicking through. Strewth even I’ll have a look at that one when we come back. Bluey went on to say that the rest of the band was going to be in for one hell of a surprise, when they find out what lay ahead for them, and the deal he had worked out with Ivor.
After parking the van around a corner and trying to be discreet, Bluey walked up to number 13 High Field Road and knocked on the front door. After a few minutes a very pretty young lady opened the door, and Bluey not realising what was expected of him told the lady of the house, that he was delivering her sexual toy, and as was promised that it was in a plain brown envelope. The lady who by now was in complete embarrassment snatched the envelope from him, telling him in no uncertain words that he could have been a little more discreet. Bluey lowered his voice to a whisper telling her that as the envelope had nothing wrote on it, that nobody would know what he had just delivered to her. With that, he turned and walked away from the house. However, as he walked around the corner he could not help reading the sign on the side of the van that proclaimed that it belonged to the Acme Sexual Aid Company. After jumping behind the wheel, he beat a hasty retreat down the road, before anybody else in the area could read it.
Bluey started telling Nicky that a few years earlier one of his old mates had sent away for some sort of sexual contraption that was claimed to make his private parts longer, yeah said Nicky all ears and eager to hear more. Bluey continued to tell him that when it all arrived by post in the customary plain brown packages of the time, all it contained was a house brick and a length of string. With that, Nicky just curled up laughing his head off, to such an extent that Bluey could not help joining in with him.
Once they had settled down and it went quiet for a couple of minutes, Nicky started playing with the other package that they were about to deliver. He suddenly realised that it was just a box and that it was easy to open. Being an inquisitive type of person, he could not help himself and calling over to Bluey, telling him that it was open and that they should take a look inside. Bluey told him to leave it alone, the last thing they needed right now was for something to go wrong, so that Ivor withdrew his very generous offer to them. However, Nicky was ahead of him and had already taken whatever it was out of the box and was about to start unwrapping it as it sat on his lap. He unravelled the paper and in a couple of seconds he held up what looked like a roll of coloured rubber with a tube sticking out of the end. Stuck to the tube was a sign telling him to blow here. This is exactly what he did. Very slowly, it unwound its self and as more and more of his breath went inside, slowly you could make out the shape of a naked woman unravelling. That’s a blow up doll Bluey told him and once again, the laughter started, as neither of them had ever seen one in real life, and their curiosity got the better of them. Bluey pulled over into a lay-by, as Nicky continued blowing more air into the doll.
The end result was a life size completely naked plastic doll that even included very large life like breasts and a broad smile on its face to match. Well as you can imagine the jokes flowed fast and furious between them, as did the laughter. If anybody had parked behind them and walked up to see what was happening they would have been more embarrassed at what they were getting up to, than if they had been caught with the doll themselves. Once the novelty had worn off and Bluey realised that they needed to get the thing delivered as soon as possible, and so Bluey told Nicky to let the thing down and replace it back in the box.
Problem number one, Nicky had not got a clued how to do that, and besides there was no instruction manual that accompanied it. No matter where he looked he could not find any sort of valve or plug that he could undo, to actually let the air out. Maybe we can deliver it fully inflated he asked Bluey, who by this time had stopped laughing and was also wondering what the hell to do. Can’t do that he said they would know that we had been playing around with it, Bluey told him. Yeah, but maybe they would be too embarrassed to ring up the shop and ask, thinking that it was all part of the customer service to blow it up first to test it, after all it took a lot of blowing up. We could put a very small hole in it somewhere, so that when they open it they wou
ld think that they had bought a faulty one. At least this way they could take it back and get another one.
All of a sudden, Nicky started laughing as a very low-pitched raspberry like sound of air being released, suddenly filled the front of the van. Is that you, Bluey asked adding that he hoped it didn’t stink, as they had only just got rid of the horse poo smell. No Nicky told him I found a valve and look where it was, waiting a couple of seconds before adding that it was in her ear.
However, it soon became obvious that there was another slight problem and that was the speed at which the air was being release from the doll. It was slow, very painfully slow, and Bluey remarked that it sounded like somebody with a three-hour flatulence problem. Nicky tried squeezing the doll, and it did seem to come out a little faster, however, the noise the air was making went up a couple of decibels. Bluey laughing that at least now it was in concert pitch.
Ten minutes later and they had still not removed enough air to start rolling it back up, so that it would fit in the box. So Bluey suggested that they get out of the van and lay it on the grass, they could then lie on it while trying to use their hands to push the air towards the dolls left ear, and out into the open.
A passer by pulled up beside of them and asked if he could help, not really knowing what was happening. However, he soon realised that Nicky was laying on what he believed was a woman in distress, with his hands firmly on her breasts, while Bluey was holding her down by the ankles. This led the passer by to come to the very fast conclusion that they were actually raping her. Without a second thought he sped off up the road at break neck speed, looking for a police officer, to report the crime.
Bluey wasn’t long in putting two and two together, and suggesting to Nicky that they should do the same before the cops turn up. As he suddenly realised how it must be looking to the people passing by in their cars. With that, they both jumped into the van and sped off trying to place some distance between them and the lay-by.
It was all right for Bluey as he was driving, but for Nicky, things were a little awkward as there was still a considerable amount of air left in the doll. Because they were in a hurry, he could only place the doll on his lap, with the head and face hard up against the front windscreen, looking at the oncoming traffic. Which seemed all right at the time, but when they pulled up at the next set of traffic lights, a guy in a car beside them burst out laughing at them. To him it must have looked like they might have been lap dancing, because both Nicky and Bluey had forgotten that the doll was completely naked and on full display to those around them.
Nicky tried stuffing her down on the floor below the windows so that nobody could see it, but he was not having too much luck. At another intersection, one motorist mouthed the words you lucky bugger at him. This was all too much for Nicky who picked up a pencil from the glove compartment tray and proceeded to stab as many holes into the doll as possible. This was not a time to worry about the customer, and to what he thought they had got up to. Anyway, Nicky assured Bluey that by the time that they got to his house he would think of something to tell him.
However, unbeknown to them a passing motorist had seen the frenzied attack on the doll and had rung the police, that he had just witnessed a murder, as the van sped past him. Although the only description he could give the police was that it had a sign on the side proclaiming that it belonged to the Acme Sexual Aids Company.
Within fifteen minutes, they were almost rammed by a passing Police car, the contents of which dragged them from the van and held them face down on the grass verge. While lying beside of them was the doll. That by now was full of holes and lying face up looking flat and lifeless, although she still had a nice smile on her face. The police then questioned them for a considerable amount of time while in full view of many passing motorists. Fortunately, for them the Police realised what had happened and after about half an hour, they could see the funny side of the story. One of the officers suddenly realised that they were both musicians introduced himself as Dick, and started talking to Bluey about the industry, telling him that he also sung karaoke. Oh, that origami stuff Bluey said, not really knowing what to say next. Although he did follow it up closely, by telling him that there should be more police women in the force, so that whenever you have a standoff situation, you could send them in to nag the suspect into surrender.
However, the one in charge did suspect that they had violated one of Queensland traffic rule. In Brisbane, they have what is known as T3 lanes for the traffic. That is only to be used by Buses, taxis and cars with three or more people riding within. The Police gave them a ticket on the grounds that they had used the doll in order to make it look like they had three people in the car.
Bluey was not happy, once again it was costing him money, first there was the ticket that had been made out for $60. Then the cost of the Doll, and he dreaded to think how much that was going to cost. Nicky cut him short by adding that he had seen one on display in the shop and that it was worth only about $100. Anyway, it was obvious that they could not deliver the doll to the customer in the condition that it was now in. It being full of holes and covered in grass stains and cigarette ash from the floor of the van. Gee Nicky said, instead of making money for some reason we keep going backward, how the hell are we going to retire carrying on like this. You know we had better win that first prize of $3000, or we are going to be in strife. Just hope that Ivor don’t get to hear about all this or he will withdraw his courier business work with us. You know there’s no way we can survive on the bands money, at the moment, it’s costing us to go out and play. Strewth, he added, and what the hell are we going to do with this bloody doll that’s full of holes. Nicky in trying to cheer Bluey up, told him that they could leave it at a local convent, after all it was now a holly blow up doll, maybe they can save her soul.
They rang up the shop and told the girls that there had been a problem and that somehow they had lost the package, but explained to the girls that they would pay for a new one. Unfortunately, they could not do it today, as they had to pick their friends up. As Bluey ended the phone call, he just stared at Nicky, after a couple of seconds; he told him that his inquisitiveness had just cost them another $200. What the hell for, Nicky asked as he once again told Bluey that he had seen one on display in the shop for only $100. Bluey cut him short by telling him that this particular one just happened to be a super deluxe model. Deluxe, my foot how the hell can it cost twice as much as the one I saw in the shop. This one has got real hair Bluey told him.
After driving around Wynnum for half an hour, they found Claudie and Ruhti talking to a couple of girls in the main street, and pulled over to pick them up. Apparently, Terry had gone to see some specialist guy who claimed that he could help stop him smoking, and could they pick him up from his office. With Ruth’s instructions, they drove around to the building where they found Terry sitting on the side of the road waiting for them. As soon as they saw him, he looked different, although Bluey could not put his finger on what it was. Anyway, they all jumped out to have a talk with him, to be confronted by Terry with a wire running from a staple that was attached to the lobe of his left ear, leading to a little black box that was sitting in his left hand side shirt breast pocket.
All four of them went to touch the box at the same time, however Terry was faster than them and backed away, before they had chance to play with it. He went on to explain that it was giving him an electric shock in the ear lobe and in this way it would stop him smoking. Strewth how the hell does it do that Bluey asked, I know don’t tell me it hurts even more than the pain of not having a cigarette. Yeah something like that Terry said, catching Bluey off guard by his remark.
Bluey had another go at trying to touch it, while asking Terry what would happen if he turned it up. No, don’t do that said Terry its quite painful now. How much has all this cost you Bluey asked, to be told that it was just under $250. Strewth $250 said Bluey I could have wired you up to the mains electric for nothing, just giving you a dab of current ev
ery time you wanted to smoke, Gee that would have stopped you, added Nicky, and it wouldn’t have cost you a cent. Even Ruhti joined in telling him that at least if they had a power cut they could run the television from his little box so at least they might save a little money that way. Although nobody understood a word of what he said, they still joined in when he laughed at his own joke.
That night was the first time that they had not played for a couple of weeks and so they decided to stay in for the evening and watch a television film, while enjoying the contents of a couple of cartons of beer, that they purchased on the way home.
It was only then that Bluey suddenly realised that because of the fun they had been making of Terry, they had both forgotten to mention about the Sponsorship deal they had come up with, for the Boondall Entertainment gig. Bluey went through what had been worked out for the band, adding that it sounded quite good and so it looked like he was going to be able to finally see out one of his long term dreams. Nicky joined in just bursting to tell them all about the sex shop and of what they had on display for the public to browse through. He made a point of leaving out the minute details of his inquisitive nature that had gotten them into trouble during the afternoon. However, Bluey was not going to let him live it down because it had cost them dearly, and so he let them have the full gruesome story.
With that Ruhti just had to go out to the van to retrieve the blow up doll and to have a look, after all he had never seen one before. Returning to the house, he set about trying to patch up the many holes that Nicky had made in it with a bicycle puncture repair kit he found in the back shed.
The evening turned into the usual round of jokes and stories that each member participated in. Some were new, while others were repeats or revamped ones to suit the occasion. Anyway it turned out to be quite a rowdy affair as the alcohol started to kick in, as they enjoyed themselves, knowing that they did not have a long drive home.
It was also a time when whatever was being witnessed on the television became the trigger or catalyst to some sort of joke. Like the time when it was mentioned on the news about some politician being heckled by the public while he was delivering some sort of speech. Bluey had to add his few cents worth by adding that they did not have hecklers at their gigs, they had Snipers, to which they all laughed. Like the time when that guy kept asking you for some soul music said Nicky, and you told him that tonight he would have to settle for arsole. They all laughed and added other versions of that one as Bluey had used the line several times in the past.
They were all taken a back as Claudie suddenly started telling them a story of his friend Ross, who was out drinking with him one night, and that he got quite drunk. However, he insisted on riding his motorbike home. Although most of his friends tried to stop him, he was having nothing of it, and so he just took off. Unfortunately, for him, Claudie added, he was wearing a full-faced crash helmet, and without any warning he was suddenly sick before he could remove the helmet. He recon he almost drowned in the vomit before a passer bye removed the helmet as he lay on the side of the road.
The other band members were all stunned into silence not knowing what to say next. Mainly from the shock of Claudie actually mentioning anything other than music trivia, or an arrangement for them to play, caught them all off guard. Not that there was a lead in to the story, the subject had not been brought up by anybody. It was all quite out of character for him, leaving them wondering what he might come up with next, as they had all become quite used to him saying absolutely nothing. He certainly never cracked a joke; he just wasn’t the funny type of guy.
Bluey was the first to ask if anybody else had something that they wanted to bring up, what like Claudies mate in his helmet Nicky asked. With that the conversation got back on track and they acted as if nothing had happened.
Ruhti entered the room with the blow up doll fully inflated, giggling to himself, to the amusement of all. The doll stood as high as he was, and he had his arm around it just like he would a girl friend. However, it did not look very inviting, as across the front of the doll were six very large ugly black rubber tube patches. That Ruhti had used to prevent the air escaping from the holes that Nicky had made in the afternoon. This started the fun off as it was passed around to each member in turn. However, Terry was having nothing to do with it and as it was thrown over to him, he jumped up just as it landed in his chair. However, its arm got caught in the wires that were hanging from his ear lobe, and he let out one hell of a cry of pain. As far as he was concerned, they were all sick just playing with the damn thing. Bluey took it from his chair telling him not to be so stupid and passed it back to Ruhti who settled into his chair with his arm around it to watch the television, as if it was the normal thing to do, while the others all laughed.
As Terry became a little tired and nodded off in his armchair, Bluey nudged Nicky in the ribs and whispered to the others to be quiet. Slowly he got out of his chair and crept over to where Terry was a sleep. He then lowered his hand towards the little black box that was in his left breast pocket that was attached to his ear lobe. With a flick of the wrist, he turned the dial on the box up to full. Terry suddenly became airborne as he shrieked out in pain, wondering what the hell had happened to him. The pain must have been very intense because he did not even bother to try and turn the little black box down. Instead, he just grabbed at the wires and yanked them from his ear. With that blood started spurting out and going all over the place, Terry was acting like a madman on a mission, and nobody knew what to do next.
Once he had settle down Bluey asked him if he was okay, as he realised what he had just done. I wasn’t thinking straight, he told Terry here let me have a look at it for you. Upon inspection, Bluey was surprised and horrified that it looked quite serious. The staple was missing as it had been torn completely away from the ear, leaving a ten millimetres long tear in the lobe that was bleeding quite badly. Bluey grabbed a cloth from the table and tried to stop the bleeding while asking if he felt like a cigarette. To which Terry shook his head, and told him No. See, said Bluey it really does work, with all that pain he really doesn’t feel like a smoke. In future, if any of us want to stop smoking in order that we can save ourselves $250, all we have to do it cut our ear lobes. With that they all started laughing once again, all that is accept Terry who was obviously still in quite a lot of pain. However, once he had settled down and stopped the bleeding from his ear, he leaned over and asked Bluey if he could have one of his cigarettes.
The band did not have a booking that weekend and so it was arranged for them to play at the shop on Saturday afternoon, as had been arranged with Ivor as part of their side of the deal.
Upon arrival, Bluey introduced the band to the girls, trying his hardest to remember their right names. However, it really didn’t matter because nobody was listening to him, as they were all just staring at the girl’s lack of clothing. Although when they got to Terry, they became worried and asked if he was all right, as the side of his face was still covered in dried blood. Oh don’t worry about him, it helps to stop him smoking Bluey told them, but he is smoking one of the girls said. Yeah I know it doesn’t really work Bluey replied.
Once the formalities were over, Nicky tried to take over and show the other members around the shop. It was almost as if over night he had become the expert on the subject, when his only qualifications consisted of one previous visit. As they walked up and down the rows of display shelves, Ruhti could not contain himself as he switched on every conceivable device he found that had a motor attached to it. A complete re-run of what Nicky got up to during his very first visit to the shop, and just like then, the shop suddenly became alive to the sound of small electric motors all purring away in the back ground. Can’t take them anywhere, Bluey told the girls, they had a sheltered upbringing and show me up at every opportunity. They are just like little children under the Christmas tree opening up all their new presents.
Terry became a little embarrassed at the sight of some of the items and just th
e thought of touching those sorts of things in front of strange young girls horrified him. To hide this embarrassment, he walked over to the counter and started making a fuss of the shop cat. What’s the cat's name he asked Bridget, who told him that it was Felix, yeah sounds about right, at least he looks like a Felix.
Bridget spoke to Bluey telling him that at least the shop cat had taken to Terry, even though the other girls were a little wary of him. Bluey told her that since he had been taking three fish oil tablets a day all the cats in their street had taken to following him where ever he went. If you think that’s strange, we also found out why he was getting bad headaches, turns out that it was the rubber band he was using to keep his toupee on, was too tight.
Bluey agreed that the band should set up just outside the shop on the pavement, so that they would be heard by the public, as they tried to entice them into the shop. Once happy with the sound they went into their usual first bracket, although they did turn it down hoping that they would not receive too many complaints. For the first fifteen minutes, they played to a complete empty pavement, as most of the shoppers crossed over to the other side of the road before reaching them. However, they were not put off and continued to pump out the music. After each song Bluey would spend a few minutes talking on his microphone trying to wet people's appetite and to entice them over to the shop. Although he was having no luck, they were determined to carry on.
With the completion of the first bracket, they took a short break, for a smoke and drink. While Bluey got hold of a large piece of flat cardboard to which he stuck on a condom packet, and underneath it, he wrote in very large letters Buy me and stop one. Nicky was keen to know what it all meant, and Bluey explained that as a youngster whenever the ice cream van went around his neighbourhood, it usually displayed on its side the words, Stop me and buy one. Adding that it was just his little play on words and that he was hoping someone would come over and ask the same question. He was intending to place it in front of Claudie’s keyboard just before they went back on.
One of the girls in the shop came out and told Bluey that if they wanted a cup of coffee, could one of them take a look at the electric kettle, as she could not get it working. With that, Bluey ordered Ruhti to go and have a look at it, although the girl remembering what he had been like in the shop earlier, ask if he would know what he was doing. Cause he does, he’s an expert, Bluey told her. Do you know once while we were fishing on the bay, the skipper could not start the engine because they had a flat battery. Ruhti just leaned over the side of the boat and grabbed a couple of passing electric eels, he then stuck one on each terminal of the battery and jump-started the engine. The girl did not know what to say next, she just stood there with a bewildered look on her face wondering what her next question should be. Instead, she returned to the shop to tell the other two girls what he had said. The big build up that Bluey gave Ruhti was all for nothing, because upon his inspection of the kettle he just told them to throw it away as the element had gone. Mind you, he would not have been able to concentrate if it had been repairable, as he could not take his eyes from the large amounts of flesh that the girls were all constantly displaying.
During the second bracket, a small crown started to gather around them, and so Bluey milked them with all of the skills that he had learnt over the years. By telling them, that if they went inside and bought any item the band would autograph it personally for them. Then grabbing the sign, he had made up, and showing it to them, he told them that everybody needs these, and that they could buy them in any colour or flavour they preferred.
While all this was going on Ruhti went over to the van and retrieved the patched up doll that he had assumed now belonged to him. Working behind Bluey so that he did not know what was going on he stood it up behind a microphone so that it looked like a member of the band. However, for decency he had secretly dress her for the event the night before. This also just happened to cover up the rather large black puncture patches. As far as Ruhti was concerned, she looked as good as new, he had even giving her the name of Mimi. Once in position Ruhti made his way into the crowd and started heckling Bluey, by asking who the girl was in the band.
Bluey could not help himself and had to turn around, and being confronted by Mimi, he just laughed and cracked a couple of jokes about females in bands, that got the small crowd going. Do you know that my wife and I sleep in separate beds, Bluey asked, the trouble is she won't tell me were hers is. He then asked a guy in the audience if he talked to his wife during sex, the guy shook his head. Bluey continued to tell him that he did, but only if there was a phone near by.
After the laughter had started to die down, Bluey continued by asking, did they know that after having sex a Shark usually likes to relax and smoke a Herring. Although this time not many of the crowd managed a laughed as the joke went straight over their heads. He followed this by telling them that his grandmother was given a 32-piece dinner set for Christmas last year, adding that somebody in the family gave her a new set of dentures. Finally Bluey felt like he was getting somewhere with the crowd and asked if any of them had heard the Chinese version of the Rolling Stones hit record, I’ll show you how to wok the dog.
The wailing of a siren as a Police car suddenly pulled into the kerb right beside the band suddenly drowned the sound of Bluey out. As four burly Police officers jumped out and headed straight for Bluey, he told the crowd that there would now be a short intermission, finishing just as two of them grabbed hold of him.
Oh, it's you two again, the lead officer said remembering him, from a couple of days earlier. It was them had had responded to a suspected murderous attack on a blow up doll by the roadside. Apparently, they had received a complaint from the building over the road that the music was very loud and also unauthorised. As Bluey looked over the road at the building, it became quite obvious who had made the complaint. In large white letters a sign on the building proclaimed that, Throssby, Thorndike and Trollop, a group of solicitors were operating from the premises. Bluey could not help himself by telling the police officers, that they were following them round like a bad smell, and that if something was not done that it was going to affect their livelihood. The police officer pointed out the doll to the other members of the force, and said to Bluey that he did not realise that she was a member of the band. Shaking his head and thinking that these guys were a little unstable, he just gave them a warning, that if they packed up now they would not take the matter any further.
Although they had been shut down, it did not really worry them, because it seemed that they were chasing a lost cause. Not many people would enter the shop while in full view of others. These types of shops usually did their trade during the hours of darkness. However, they had given it their best shot, so at least Ivor could not complain, he had got his money's worth from the venture. They had managed to play a couple of brackets, which was just about what Bluey had planned for the event. Ivor was to reap the publicity a little later when upon hearing about what had happened, he rang the local newspaper office and gave them the full story, and in doing so, he made sure that he milked every last piece of publicity from the stunt. The headline next morning read, Police Officers Assist In Opening New Adult Exercise Centre.
The Fabulous Spawlszoff Brothers Page 5
