by Kaye Blue
But I wouldn’t have gotten to see him again, and I knew without even considering it that the pain was worth it.
“You going back to his house tonight?” I asked, turning the conversation back to Melissa.
“Yeah. But I owe you dinner,” she said, standing at the corner of my desk.
“How about a few more donations for the clinic?” I asked.
“Consider it done. You ready to head out?” she asked, still beaming.
“Yup,” I said, heading through the waiting room and out of the clinic.
Melissa chattered as we walked, and after a few blocks, we hugged and parted ways.
I decided to take the long way home.
I knew what I would find there, and more importantly, who I wouldn’t.
At this point, I would have been grateful for some sort of distraction, but I didn’t even have cleaning to look forward to.
I made my way to my block, looking around, wondering what might be lurking in the shadows but seeing nothing.
When I had first arrived after being at Aras and Lake’s, I had expected to find my place a mess, but it had been in pristine condition. Even the vacant unit next to mine had been repaired.
Ivan had apologized for the mess, assured me that I didn’t have anything to worry about, and then left.
I felt mostly comfortable, but still I paused a moment before I went inside my place, feeling familiarity but also feeling strange, a distance that I couldn’t quite name.
This was my home, one that I had selected, maintained, one that was my sanctuary.
But he had been here, and that had changed things.
Because though it had been cleaned and didn’t look any different on the surface, I knew that it was different, knew that I was different.
I kicked off my shoes and headed to my bedroom, collapsing on the bed, refusing to give in to the tears that threatened to come.
Yes, I’d seen him, touched him, almost lost him, and in the end, nothing had changed.
Life was as it had been before, and the sooner I accepted that, the better off I would be.
I decided I would try.
Tomorrow.
I closed my eyes and let the tears come.
Ivan
“Looks like you settled back into things nicely,” Ezekiel said.
He stood across from me at the pane of windows I rarely approached.
“I don’t know if you want to stand there. You never know who could be on the roof across the street,” I said.
“No one’s going to waste a sniper’s bullet on me,” he said, turning and putting his back to the glass as if to prove a point.
“You have news?”
I decided to change the subject, not that I was anxious to.
“All business, huh?” he said with a shrug. “Yeah, I have news.”
In an instant, he turned serious, approaching me with his posture still loose, easy, but his eyes telling me that he was intent.
“The plan’s in place,” he said.
“So he’s agreed?”
“He didn’t say no,” Ezekiel said.
“That’s not a guarantee,” I responded.
“No such thing. But everything’s set for the end of the week,” he said.
I had been seated but stood.
“Good,” I said, though even to my own ears, my voice sounded anything but certain.
Ezekiel lifted a brow. “You sure about that?”
“No,” I responded.
It was a damning confession, one that I shouldn’t have been making, but it was also true.
I wasn’t sure about any of this, but I also didn’t have any other options.
“There are a million and one ways this could go to hell, but like you said, there are no guarantees.”
“You could just round up anyone who might potentially be behind this and take them out in one fell swoop. No need for theatrics.”
“I could do that, but I need to make a point. Make sure this kind of thing doesn’t happen again.”
“Then everything is set. You say the word, and it’s a go.”
“I’m saying the word,” I said.
I sat again, apprehension and uncertainty, feelings I was woefully unfamiliar with, bombarding me at once.
“Then consider it done.”
He didn’t linger and instead left.
I didn’t ask him stay, wanting to be alone, not that it would change anything.
I only had a small team of guards, men that I trusted, and, more importantly, men that Aras had vouched for.
I still wasn’t crazy about relying on him, let alone for something as important as this, but he had proven himself to be honest and effective.
And I saw the life he had, knew that he wouldn’t disrupt it, not for an old vendetta against me.
So, the plan was set. Now all I had to do was wait.
That would be the hardest part.
And while I tried to keep my thoughts on business, on navigating the situation I found myself in, they almost immediately strayed.
I had fought hard to keep thoughts of her at bay, but it was a battle I lost every single time.
Even when I should have been thinking about my future, one that I might not have in a few days’ time, my mind kept going back to her, the joy I felt when I was with her, how wrong it felt to be without her.
How I knew there was no way it could be different.
It can’t be.
I told myself that, told myself again, but no matter how often, some stubborn part of me didn’t accept the message.
I was up and moving before I could stop myself.
“Boss, you—”
“Later,” I said, not slowing as I left the building.
This was reckless, stupid, to be out on the street, especially with no guards, but I couldn’t bear to be apart from her a moment longer.
I had memorized the route, several in fact, to her place, and found myself there before I allowed good sense to talk me out of it.
I knocked on the door, not sure if I wanted her to answer or ignore me.
Not sure what I would do if she did either.
Less than a minute after I knocked, she pulled the door open a crack, her brows furrowed, her face confused.
I stepped in and pushed the door closed behind me.
“Ivan?”
At the sound of her voice, the confusion in it, the hope, something inside me cracked.
Driven by emotion I refused to name and one I wouldn’t even try to control, I took a step forward and kissed her.
Twelve
Tru
Just as it would be easy for me to think that the past weekend had been a dream, it would be easy for me to think that this was too.
Between the tears, I had drifted asleep, only to be awoken by a knock at my door.
To find him standing on the other side was enough to convince me that I had been dreaming.
But his lips against mine, the way my heart, my body, reacted, was proof it wasn’t.
I was stunned for moment, relieved in a way that I couldn’t give a name to as he kissed me.
But it didn’t take long for that relief to become something else.
That hunger, the one that was never that far away, one that he could so effortlessly ignite, was there.
It didn’t make sense that he was here, didn’t make sense that I was reacting to him this way, but I didn’t think about that.
Didn’t think about anything but him, here, now, with me and what that meant.
He pushed me inside, closed and locked the door, all without breaking the kiss.
I did.
Stared at him, my chest heaving with my heavy breaths.
He stared back, his gaze unreadable except for the determination, the possession I couldn’t miss.
I shivered, my sex dampening, my body uncaring of the circumstances. It wanted only one thing: him.
Fighting that feeling wasn’t an option and became less of one when he started
working his shirt open.
“Strip,” he said, his voice guttural, rough-edged.
It skated over my body like a caress, and before I could think, I was doing as he said.
The contrast between us, him in another hand-tailored suit, me in pajamas that had seen better days, couldn’t be clearer. Nor could the insanity of this.
It didn’t matter. One word from him, and I was lost.
Wondered if I’d ever be found.
That thought and all others scattered as I watched Ivan undress.
He moved methodically, with purpose, and as I stared at him, I was struck by his power, the menace that I couldn’t believe I’d missed all those years ago.
I saw it now, but it didn’t have the effect I expected.
If asked, I would have denied liking bad boys, but then I realized that Ivan was more than that. He was bad, of course, capable of incredible violence as I’d seen myself. But he was also incapable of incredible love, of kindness, of passion.
He was infinitely complex, and I could spend the rest of my life figuring him out.
I shook my head, trying to shake the thought loose.
I knew what his life was, but I had my own to consider. I’d carved out a place in the world, made my own little mark in the world at the clinic. It was small, but it was mine, and reason left no doubt that there was no room for Ivan in it.
“Stop thinking and come here,” he commanded.
I didn’t question how he knew my thoughts had turned, just as I wasted no time going to him.
He grazed his fingers over my breast, teased my nipple until the bud was taut, standing at attention.
I clenched my thighs tight, trying to relieve the pressure and trying to catch that cream that was practically leaking from me.
He grabbed my wrist roughly and pulled me toward the bedroom. He held me tight, his roughness and the nearly feral glint in his eye making me want him that much more.
When we stood at the foot of my bed, he stared down at me, his height and build making me feel small, the look in his eye intimidating and arousing at the same time.
“Suck my cock,” he said, his voice coming out like gravel.
I dropped to my knees and took the crown of his cock between my lips, not bothering to try to hide my eagerness. I teased his slit then sucked him in deeper. He pushed at the back of my head, burying his cock so deep that my nose brushed the hairs nestled at his root.
I took every inch, delighting in his fingers wrapped tight in my hair, his harsh breaths. There was no tenderness in his touch, but I didn’t want that.
I wanted this, Ivan wild, so close to the edge that his control slipped. It made me feel powerful, told me that he was affected by me. I’d known that, but now I could see it, feel it.
He pulled out of my mouth and dragged me to my feet. I held his eyes for less than a second before he turned me around and pushed me down on the bed.
“On your knees.”
His voice was tight, clipped, and again I wasted no time doing as he commanded.
Before I’d fully settled, he put his big hand on the small of my back and rammed into me, thrusting so hard all the air rushed out of my lungs.
He didn’t relent, just kept thrusting, fucking me hard and fast. I came with a groan so long and deep that my voice cracked. It was a lightning strike of pleasure, but Ivan kept going, fucked me harder and faster still, like a man possessed.
Maybe he was. Maybe we both were. I didn’t know, didn’t care to.
All I knew, all that mattered was the pleasure he gave me, the way his cock filled me.
How right I felt when I finally collapsed against the bed, his cum trickling out of me.
Thirteen
Ivan
I’d come here on a mission, determined to fuck Tru out of my system.
I’d failed.
“You said you wouldn’t be back,” she said.
Those were the first words either of us had uttered in the hours since I had come to her, and they were ones I had been afraid of hearing.
“I did say that, didn’t I?”
My attempt at humor fell flat.
She glared at me, but then her expression softened, becoming one of confusion, concern.
“Are you okay?”
“Fine.”
It was a brushoff, but what else could I do?
Her naked concern for me was something that I didn’t have the capacity to confront.
I didn’t deserve it, and even more, didn’t want her to spend a single second worried about me. I didn’t deserve that, didn’t deserve any of this. It was only a testament to my selfishness and stupidity that I was even here now.
“You always said I think loud. But from the look of it, you’ve got a lot going on up there,” she said, softly tapping my forehead.
I looked at her, saw that her expression was heavy.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” I confessed.
“Yeah, I got that feeling.”
“But this has to stop,” I said.
“You came here,” she responded, her voice hurt but also matter of fact.
“I did, and I can’t say I’m sorry for it, because I’m not. But this is the last time.”
“You trying to convince me or yourself?”
“Both of us.”
I kept my eyes locked on hers, saw her defiance, saw the moment she chose to stay silent.
I wasn’t sure whether I was happy or sad about that and decided that I was neither.
My feelings didn’t matter, not when it came to this.
“Get it over with,” she said.
Her dark eyes were hard, cold, and I could feel her putting distance between us again.
I couldn’t blame her for it, not really.
“Get what over with?”
“You are such an asshole. Just say whatever speech you’re going to say and leave.”
“I’m not going to say a speech. I’m just going to make you a promise.”
“I’m familiar with your promises, Ivan. Your ‘vows,’ is that what you call them?”
I remembered what she was talking about, how all those years ago I had made a promise to her, one that I hadn’t kept.
Shame started to press down on me like a heavy weight, but I pushed it back.
“I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I’ll never let anything happen to you.”
“But?” she said, looking at my face but not my eyes.
“But I won’t be back.”
I studied her face, looking for some hint of reaction, but there wasn’t one.
I could see her pushing it away with her will, refusing to allow whatever emotions she was feeling to come out.
I didn’t deserve them anyway.
I wanted them and knew that I was selfish bastard for that but was unable to care.
“Fine. Have a nice life.”
She turned, put her back to me, and I resisted the urge to say more. I wanted to tell her that those couldn’t be the last words I heard from her.
But in the end, I said nothing.
I had done enough, taken enough from her, and I wouldn’t dare ask for more.
Still, I lingered, not yet able to leave.
I didn’t touch her, had to clench my hands into fists to keep from doing so, but I watched her, and saw the tension in her shoulders, the way she pointedly refused to face me, refused to acknowledge me.
I was again reminded why things between us could never work.
She deserved everything, things that I couldn’t give her, things I wouldn’t even began to know how to give her.
I wanted to tell her that, wanted to tell her so much more, but I knew she wouldn’t hear me.
So, I did what I swore I wouldn’t and leaned forward and kissed the tip of her shoulder blade.
She shivered, the motion undoubtedly involuntary.
But she didn’t speak.
And I didn’t ask her to.
Instead, I dressed, took a
nother look around the place, and left.
Fourteen
Tru
“You are so pathetic,” I muttered.
But not even my own words could drive me out of my funk.
They were true, of course, but even acknowledging that didn’t change them.
Because I definitely was.
I had sworn I would never let another tear fall for him, and I done just that.
And even worse, when he had shown up at my door, barged in without so much as a hello, I had welcomed him with open arms—and legs.
Even still, I could conjure the feel of his body against mine, inside me, and got a perverse thrill from knowing his cum was inside me.
I shifted in bed, trying to physically move myself from that thought, the comfort that it brought me, ashamed of the comfort it brought me, but was only reminded of where he had touched me before.
My hand drifted to my stomach, and I couldn’t stop myself from imagining his baby growing there, almost lightheaded from the joy the very thought brought me.
“So stupid…”
With those words I managed to drag myself out of bed.
I needed to get my head on straight, needed to get Ivan out of it.
I didn’t know how I would do that, but a shower seemed like a good first step.
I took my time as I washed every inch of me, ignoring the stinging regret as I wiped away all traces of him.
There was no room for regret, not if I wanted to get over him, get on with my life.
And I did.
I had no clue what that looked like, a life without him in it, a life without him haunting me, but I was determined to find out.
I stayed in the shower long after the water had run cold, and when I emerged, I felt like I was on the way to something good.
Maybe, eventually, I would think of the time that I had gotten to spend with him as a gift, get a bit of the elusive closure that everyone always seemed to be seeking.
But until then, I would put him out of my head and get on with things.
I stripped my bed and changed the sheets, knowing that getting rid of him wouldn’t be that easy, but knowing I had to start somewhere.
If I listened to myself, I would have stayed wrapped in those covers, enraptured by the scent of him, but that wouldn’t get me where I wanted to be.
