TWENTY-FIVE
Lila
I only have one more week left with Hollis. Where the hell did the time go? How do I make it slow down? Things have been good for us. Beyond good. We had a turning point in Florida and haven’t looked back since. For once, things have been healthy. We haven’t been letting anxieties ruin things between us, which is a big step in the right direction. Yet, now when we’ve finally reached stable ground, everything is about to change and I’m not ready for it.
My things have stayed either in boxes or in a suitcase since I moved out of the apartment I shared with my friends. Though I’ve become accustomed to the transient lifestyle, seeing all my boxes lying around now makes me depressed. The reality of my situation is becoming increasingly clear. It’s a giant elephant making itself comfortable in the living room and I’m doing my damnedest to ignore it.
Hollis has home and somewhat-local games this week, but on Saturday he’ll be playing and I’ll be moving into my apartment in Philly all by myself. Of course, I didn’t dream he’d be able to help me move in. Maybe in a perfect world, but that’s not my reality.
Right now, I’m counting down the days until the Sox play the Phillies and I get to see him play again in mid-September before playoffs. Then, when my man makes it to the World Series, I’m going to be there, no matter what, no matter where. He would tell me not to worry about it, but I can’t miss the biggest game of his career, even if it is just the beginning for him. Who knows if he’ll get the chance ever again?
I’m getting ahead of myself. He’s not in the playoffs or the World Series yet, but I’d bet my money he’ll be there, rocking the red, white, and gray.
I want to go to all of his games this week, but it seems impossible. I have so much to do, so much to pack and prepare. He pitches on Thursday night, so I’ll definitely go to that game, but otherwise, he might be on his own.
I just want more time. I never thought I would be able to handle this and now I’m realizing just how on the nose I was about myself. We’re not even doing long distance yet and I’m already spiraling.
Shocking, I know.
I feel like every aspect of my life is currently out of my control. As a self-proclaimed control freak, it’s no surprise I’m wildly uncomfortable in my own skin right now. I can’t get a grasp on the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Everything is up in the air and I’m drowning on land.
Not only with Hollis, but with my family too. I still haven’t talked to my parents, though that’s unsurprising. What is shocking is the ongoing war with my brother. I thought for sure he’d reach out, apologize, claim momentary insanity, but so far, nothing.
I turn on the TV to Sports Center while I sort out my clothes needing to be thrown in the laundry. At least my packing is all but done aside from a few loose ends in the form of dirty underwear. I’m ready to become a nudist so I don’t have to do any more laundry before I leave.
I’m multi-tasking between folding my laundry, watching the game, and prepping for dinner. The latter, for the moment, consists of preheating the oven, but I wanted to make a special home cooked meal for my last dinner with Hollis. I didn’t realize just how much work went into lasagna because I’ve never actually made it before, but there’s a first time for everything.
Between all the forty-seven tasks I’m currently half-assing, the time passes me by and the front door opens and closes. I didn’t even realize a completely different baseball game came on after the Sox game. I’ve been too wrapped up in everything else.
“Hey, baby. Dinner should be ready soon.”
My man walks over and leans down to place a chaste kiss on my lips. As always, the contact leaves me wanting more. The brief, passing kisses are never enough, especially not now with a clock hanging over our heads.
As if on cue, the timer on my phone goes off and I go to pull the lasagna out of the oven. “What the…” I put the dish on the stovetop and frown, my eyebrows pulling down. The outer edges of the meal are burnt, almost black. The middle part looks okay, though. I’ll cut Hollis a slice from the center and hide the rest of the dish from him. He’ll never know.
Carrying both plates piled with dinner to the table, I place one in front of my boyfriend and another across the table at my seat. I grab a couple of waters before sitting down and I wait, perched on my seat for Hollis to take the first bite.
He does and I’m giddy, smiling from ear to ear, almost bouncing in my seat watching him eat. I don’t miss the slight grimace as he chews and his eyes widening a hair. My grin falls as I look down at the dish.
“It’s really good, babe,” Hollis tells me after a hard swallow to force the food down his throat. He’s clearly the best boyfriend in the entire world because although his hand hesitates briefly, he takes another bite and chews it thoroughly.
“What did I do?” It’s pasta. How can I mess up pasta?
I take a bite of my own and almost immediately grab my napkin to spit the food into. I was right; Hollis really is the best guy in the world because this meal is the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth and there’ve been some questionable things in there.
The noodles are somehow both burnt and soggy. It’s like a flooded ashtray in my mouth.
“Babe, stop eating it. I don’t want to poison you?”
He grins around his third bite.
“What do you mean? This is the best meal I’ve ever had. Forget nursing school, you should get into culinary school.”
“Shut up.” I throw my napkin at him and he laughs.
“I’m serious. This is my favorite food. I love crumbly, moist pasta.” He licks his lips obnoxiously and I push out of my chair and reach for him. I push his plate away and climb onto his lap.
“I’m sorry. I wanted tonight to be special.” He stares up at me and cradles my face. His hand pushes a strand of my dirty blonde hair behind my ear.
“It is special. Every night is special with you.” I lean down to kiss him before grabbing my phone and ordering a pizza.
“I need your mom to teach me how to cook,” I mutter and he laughs.
I blinked and the week is gone.
My car is packed, my cheeks are stained with tears, and I’m minutes away from climbing in my car and making the drive to Philly to get settled into my new apartment. I took out a bigger loan to get an apartment all to myself. I thought it would help me ignore any distractions, but now I’m regretting the decision. I’ve never lived alone and now I’m afraid it’ll only be a reminder of everything I’m leaving behind.
“I don’t want to go.” The reality hits me hard and the pit in my stomach grows heavier.
“I know, baby. I don’t want you to go either.” My face is mashed into his chest and my arms are locked behind his back. I’m convinced that right now nothing would be able to separate us.
I replay last night in my mind, reveling in the knowledge I’ll have those moments seared into my brain to keep me hanging on. Last night was perfect, albeit too short for my liking.
After his game, he woke me up. I didn’t think I’d fall asleep waiting for him, but exhaustion won out. He climbed into bed and we made love all through the night. I’m exhausted today, but fuck if it wasn’t worth it.
We were too hungry to sleep and I’m sure he’s regretting it today too. At first, we moved too quickly, too frantic to see clearly, desperate to have each other at least once more. But as the night drew on, we grew less needy, and instead, we savored one another.
I’ve memorized every inch of his body and how he feels hovering over me. I can imagine his touches, his kisses, how rough his hands are, the bite of his teeth on my sensitive flesh. These moments I’ll carry with me and cherish when I feel loneliest.
Still, I know it’ll never be enough.
He pulls away, or tries to, but I don’t let him. Instead, he ends up leaning back to look me in the eyes. “Go be a rock star and save a ton of lives. I’ll be here waiting for you. I promise.”
“What if—” I st
art, but he pushes his index finger to my lips.
“No, no what ifs. Nothing is going to change between us. I love you and I’m proud of you and I can’t wait to be the one rooting you on for a change.”
More tears slide down my cheeks and I nod. “I love you.” I push up on my toes and kiss him through salty tears. The last thing I want to do is pull away from him and drive to school.
This should be one of the happiest days of my life. I’ve been working so hard toward this every day since high school. The last four years especially have been hell, but I’ve loved the work. I got into one of the best graduate nursing programs, but now I’m second guessing everything. Now, I’m wishing it were a school in Boston.
This is why I never dated in college. Emotions cloud judgment. Attachment gets the best of you. Here I am, on the cusp of my dreams, and trying to find a way to stay.
“You have to tell me to go.”
“What?” He cocks his head and takes his thumbs to wipe away my stray tears.
“I won’t go, I won’t get in my car unless you force me to.” My feet have become one with the sidewalk and I think he’s going to have to physically place me in the driver’s seat. He may even need to start my car. I’ve become codependent as hell and I don’t love it, but I do love him. Nothing else seems to matter.
Even thinking it, I know it’s not true, but my heartache is overshadowing my rationale. My life and my career matter. My dreams matter. Everything I’ve worked for has gotten me here and if I don’t go, I know I’ll regret it and my parents will resent me even more than they already do.
Doing as I asked, Hollis takes my hand and pulls me into the road and opens my car door. He looks ready to shove me inside like he’s a cop and I’m under arrest. I’m sure he’ll even brace the top of my head to help me duck down.
“Call me when you get there.” As he says it, the emotions bubble up again and I’m one sniffle away from full on blubbering.
“Talk soon.” It’s all I can muster before climbing into my car. I hold his hand until I can’t anymore and they fall apart. I wave as I pull away from the curb and head toward Philly, watching him get smaller in my rearview mirror as I drive away.
TWENTY-SIX
Lila
“Shit.” One of my boxes has toppled over as I carry them ungracefully to my apartment door. A quick glance around the box I’m still holding and I notice, yup, a bunch of my school supplies were in that box and are now scattered all over the hallway. Awesome.
There are apartment doors on each side of the hallway where my stuff is scattered. I set down the rest of my boxes to clean up my mess when one of the doors to my left opens.
“Here, let me help you.” A tall, blond guy joins me in the hallway and leans down to help me pick up my things.
“Really, it’s fine.” I’m still upset over my goodbye from Hollis, I’m hungry, and now my shit is plastered all over the floor. The last thing I need is some stranger pushing his way into my life like some horny frat bro.
“I’m Leo, I live right here, actually.” I glance over his shoulder and notice I spilled my stuff right in front of his apartment door. Awesome.
“Sorry about the mess. I’m Lila. I’m moving in today, as you can see. Apartment twenty-six.” I tilt my chin down the hall. I would offer my hand but I’m picking up my anatomy textbook and old notes.
“Are you going to Penn?” He has a piece of paper in his hands and a smirk on his face as his green eyes scan over my writing. I glance at the back of the page and notice he’s holding my notes on reproduction, because of course he is. And obviously he’s twelve since he’s laughing at them.
“Yes,” I snap and snatch the paper from his hands. “Nursing, for the record.” He grins and holds his palms up.
“No complaints here.” I’m ready to tell him I have a boyfriend but I don’t want to be one of those girls.
I shove all my things back in their box and stack it on top of the other two I’m already carrying.
“Let me get that for you. It’s the least I can do.”
I would argue, but the boxes are heavy and I already knocked one over. I don’t want to relive this moment. He takes the two heavy boxes and I grab the third one lighter one.
“Thanks.” I lead him down the hallway to my place and put the box I carried back down on the ground to unlock my door. All the boxes I’d already unpacked are scattered throughout the space. I’m grateful the apartment is furnished because not only can I not afford to buy furniture, I can’t imagine moving that in too. “You can set it wherever. I only have a few more things to grab.”
I get my key out, fully intending to lock the door behind me once more when my new hall-mate chuckles to himself. “Want me to stay here and watch your stuff?”
“I’m not going to let a stranger stay around my things.” It’s the whole point of me locking my door to begin with. I don’t know or trust these people. This is a new place in a new city. I can’t be too trusting.
“You’re not in the hood. No one’s going to take your stuff.” Well, it is Philadelphia. I’ve heard horror stories. Don’t step off campus. Don’t walk alone at night. A gun would be better for you than mace. “Even if you were in the hood, just hide your Jordans and no one will bother you.”
“What are you talking about?” Do local people have their own language?
He throws his head back on a laugh. “Where are you from?”
“Boston.” I cross my arms over my chest in defiance.
“Look, I’ve lived in Philly my whole life. Stick with me. I’ll show you the ropes.” I lead him out of my apartment and despite his words, I lock the door behind me.
“And who are you, Leo? Do you go to Penn?”
“Yup. It’s my second year of grad school.” He follows me down the steps and out to my car. I’m a little on edge with him following me. Then again, when he pulls my last box out of my car, I don’t complain. I’m not going to turn away free help, especially not from someone who seems like he could be a friend.
I learn he’s going to business school, which makes sense thanks to his perfectly coiffed blonde hair, clean cut clothes, and big, expensive-looking watch on his wrist. He carries my stuff back up to my apartment after I lock my car doors three times to ensure they’re really locked. Who knew moving here would jumpstart my obsessive compulsive disorder?
“Thanks for all the help,” I say, a hint to get him to leave me in peace. Though, I won’t lie, I kind of liked the company. I need to call Hollis, but based on the time, he’s in the middle of the game. “Hey…you don’t happen to have your cable set up, do you?” I raise my eyebrows and grin.
“Why?”
“The Sox are playing and I’d kind of like to catch the game…” Oh, and I’m kind of dating one of the pitchers who isn’t even pitching tonight but watching the game would make me feel closer to him! Yeah, even thinking the words, I sound like a crazy person.
“Fuck no.” I jerk my head back, shocked. “That’s blasphemy. You’re in Philly now, baby. Phillies or bust.” I’m taken aback by his words, even if his tone is playful, but I don’t miss him calling me baby either.
It’s time to set the records straight. “Well, my boyfriend plays for the Red Sox. Maybe if he played for the Phillies I’d be a fan…” Suddenly, my new friend Leo is looking at me like I’ve sprung a second head.
“Sure, okay. And I’m dating Kaitlin Olson.”
“Oh, that’s cool.” Am I supposed to know who she is?
“I’m kidding, of course I’m not dating her—she’s an actress. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?” I shake my head, no idea what he’s talking about. “Look, you don’t need to make up a story to get me to leave. I get it.” He heads toward my door and braces one hand on the doorknob.
“No, I know it sounds weird, but I’m being serious, actually.” He’s still eyeing me skeptically, one hand still paused on the door.
“Well, when the Sox play the Phils, hit me up and we’ll go to the gam
e together.” He leaves, likely still thinking I’m a lying weirdo. To say this day could’ve gone better would be an understatement.
The first few weeks have been about finding my footing here and in this program. We took off running since day one and haven’t slowed down. Finding my balance has been all but impossible, but I’m surviving. Mostly. I’m living off of protein bars, coffee, and wine, depending on the time of day.
I’ve barely had a chance to talk to Hollis since classes started and it certainly hasn’t been every single day like I’d hoped. Long distance sucks. People who romanticize it clearly have never experienced it firsthand. It’ll give you a chance to miss each other! Absence makes the heart grow fonder! Your communication will flourish!
Oh, grow up. Our communication is nearly nonexistent and I could miss him fine from an apartment in the same city as him. Philadelphia isn’t too far from Boston, but here I am, complaining as if my first world problem is at all important or relevant. I keep reminding myself that I’m here to focus on school and in two years I’ll be done and, ideally, have a job in Boston. Then he and I can live out my wildest romantic fantasies where we reunite in a dramatic fashion and are together forever. It’ll be perfect.
Hell, even Edward and Bella took some time apart and they came back to one another stronger than ever. If they can do it, so can we, right? Aside from the fact they’re fictional vampires and all.
The truth is, I barely even have time to think about Hollis and it makes me feel guilty. Every break I get, my thoughts and my inbox are consumed with him, but otherwise, I’m focused. I came here to work hard and study and prepare for my future. The payoff will help me out in the long run. Besides, what’s my alternative? I drop out of school, move in full time with a guy I only just started dating, and let him support me simply because he’s a pro baseball player? Kanye said it best, “I ain’t sayin’ she a gold digger…”
Fastball Flirt (The Boys of Summer Series Book 1) Page 15
