On a good day, I’m too busy to think about Hollis. Though there’s still an ache in my chest from the mark he left on my heart, the little babies I get to work with ease the pain. The problem lies when I’m not at the hospital; when my mind wanders and I succumb to the pain and the memories.
It doesn’t help that every couple weeks or so, I get a message from him, checking in or telling me he misses me. I haven’t responded to any of them, even though I want to more than anything. I want to know how he’s doing, how his arm feels, when he reports to spring training. I can’t even stand to see his name flash across my TV. It all hurts too fucking much.
THIRTY-NINE
Lila
Before I know it, it’s February and the hospital looks like it ate—and promptly vomited up—a hallmark store all thanks to fucking Valentine’s Day. To merely say I’m not feeling the mood this year, would be the understatement to end all understatements. Is there a bah humbug version for Valentine’s Day? If so, sign me the hell up.
Of course, the NICU and pediatric wing are especially overflowing with this faux-holiday cheer because what is more loving and lovable than babies? They’re lucky they’re so cute
What’s even more vomit-inducing is how a bunch of my coworkers are talking about their boyfriends and spouses and what they hope to get this year. Some are hoping for a proposal, others want jewelry. I, for one, want a barf bag before I toss my cookies all over the floor.
“What about you, Lila?” My coworker, Victoria, asks. Her brown eyes are wide and sparkly, still full of hope. Her hair is perfectly braided and she has delicate gold chains that pop against her caramel skin. I bet she has a boyfriend.
“Well, I dumped my boyfriend about two months ago. He was, well is, a major league pitcher for the Red Sox until he got traded to Houston and now I am living in his apartment without him because I can’t afford to move anywhere else. So, no, I’ll be here, picking up the extra shifts all you lucky ladies need to be covered to help get you all laid.”
I shouldn’t be surprised when she turns and walks away after my outburst.
I haven’t meshed well with a lot of my coworkers and I know it’s primarily my fault. I haven’t been in the best headspace or the friendliest person. I tried, but I guess my cynicism and sarcasm aren’t melding well with everyone else.
I miss Bridget and Phoebe and Leo. I wonder what he’s up to for the holiday weekend. I should really call and check in with him. Then again, I think there’s a small part of my mind that is intentionally steering clear of my old friend. If he hears Hollis and I broke up…I don’t know. I flash back to those old feelings he had for me. Plus, with Valentine’s Day around the corner…yeah, I can’t call him. Maybe in another month or something.
It’s the Friday before Valentine’s Day and as promised, I’m spending the night in the NICU. It’s where I plan to spend my entire weekend. I have one coworker by my side tonight, Carly, who can commiserate in singledom with me. At least I don’t have to pretend to be happy-go-lucky with her. I am getting more and more eager for March. At least with St. Patrick’s Day, no one expects you to be sober to enjoy the day.
As I’m in the bathroom washing my hands, I feel a buzz on my thigh. I panic briefly, thinking it’s a work emergency, but it’s my personal phone and it’s just Jackson. I let it go to voicemail. I’ll call him back later.
It doesn’t even feel like the phone stopped buzzing when it starts up again. What the hell? Exiting the bathroom, I dig into my pocket and pull out my phone. I’m starting to worry that something’s really wrong with him or my parents. I answer the call and pin my phone between my ear and my shoulder as I glance over a chart. “J, I’m working. I’ll have to call you back.” I’m ready to hang up, but his voice catches in urgency and I hold on.
“Lila, have you seen the news?”
“No, I told you, I’m working.” I roll my eyes. What is it with men and their selective hearing?
“There’s been an accident.”
“Oh, my God. Are you okay? Is it Mom and Dad?” I hurry down the hall to an on call room, not wanting to worry anyone if I start to cry.
“Yes, yes, we’re fine. It’s um…well, there was a plane crash. One of the planes heading to Florida for spring training.”
“What are you talking about?” It’s like I recognize the words he’s saying, but my brain doesn’t comprehend them. “It’s only February.” Spring training doesn’t happen for another month or so.
“Lila, focus. The pitchers…they head to spring training before everyone else.” I sit down on one of the beds, my hand scratching at the base of my neck. No, no, no.
“Well, who’s plane—uh, what team?”
“They’re not releasing anything until they talk to the families.” My breathing turns erratic and my eyes start to burn. Panic, in the form of bile, climbs up my throat.
“Wh—why do they need to alert the families?” I pinch my eyes closed, bracing myself for the answer I already know is coming.
“There’s been at least one casualty. They won’t release any of the information until the family knows first.” I drop my phone as a sob rakes through me. NO. This isn’t happening.
I pick up my phone and google as much as I can, but the information is scarce. There’s a knock at the door and somewhere in the back of my mind, Carly’s voice registers on the other side. I think I mutter something along the lines of, “I’ll be right out!”
I take a steadying breath despite the tears still falling down my face. I scroll through my contacts and find Hollis’ number. Thank God I didn’t delete it when we broke up.
I press call and listen as it rings. And rings. And rings.
I hang up and redial.
I do this four more times until I can’t take it anymore. I send an urgent text, praying to Gods I don’t even believe in, hoping one of them takes the bait and answers my prayers. I send off three more texts in all caps and lay my phone on the bed face up beside me, making sure the volume is fully turned up. I text my brother, asking him to send me any updates he sees. When my phone goes off, I jump up and smack my head on the top bunk. All for nothing. It’s just my brother texting me back.
I don’t know how long I sit in the on call room. Carly comes to find me again, but this time she comes right into the room to see what’s going on. I fill her in as best as I can. My voice is robotic, going through the motions, not really processing the words. She tells me to get some sleep and she’ll handle the floor for a few hours. We both know I’m not going to be getting any sleep.
I lie on the bed staring at my phone, pressing the lock button every couple of seconds to make sure I didn’t miss a notification. When my phone rings in my hand it takes me a minute to realize I’m not hallucinating, despite the obscene volume the ringer is at. Hollis’ name appears on the screen and I answer it quickly before he gets sent to voicemail.
“Hollis? Is that you? Please tell me it’s you. Please tell me you’re okay.” I’m borderline hysteric again and my palm clutches at my chest.
“Lila.”
I breathe a sigh of relief and tears fall when I hear his voice. It’s him. He’s okay.
“Oh, my God. Thank God. I’m so happy to hear your voice.” He lets me cry into the phone as the emotions circle through me. The fear and panic, the relief…did I make a huge mistake breaking up with him?
“I’m sorry I didn’t call you back sooner. I’d just landed when I heard the news…” He clears his throat and for the first time, I realize something is really wrong. I sit up, careful to not hit my head again.
“What’s wrong?” I know it’s the crash, but there’s clearly a crucial detail I’m missing. My heart thumps against my chest as my anxiety builds.
“The crash. It was Jimmy’s plane. He uh,” his voice cracks and I gasp. No! How did this happen?
I think of his wife Melissa and wonder if she was on the plane with him. They travel together all year, but I don’t know if that means spring training too. I would a
ssume so. My heart aches in my chest at the lives lost, even the ones of the people I don’t know.
“I am so, so sorry, Hollis. Is there anything I can do?” He tells me spring training for the Sox will be temporarily on hold. He plans to fly back to Boston to attend the services, missing a few games himself.
“Nothing is concrete yet, but I can tell you when the funeral is, if you’d like?” He knows Melissa and I became fast friends at their games. “I’ll stay in a hotel. You don’t need to worry about that.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’ll stay in your home. I’m usually at the hospital anyway. We probably won’t even see one another.” It’s a lie, of course, but I’m not going to make him spend money to stay in a freaking hotel on the nights he’s burying a friend.
After an awkward silence and more apologies, we hang up. I push off the bed and head back out to the NICU to catch up with Carly on what I missed. I fill her in on everything and she pulls me into a tight hug.
“If you need anything, let me know. I’ll cover your shifts, don’t even worry about it.”
“Thank you.” I take a deep breath and focus. Time to get back to work and save some lives if I can help it.
FORTY
Lila
As promised, I’m at the hospital every day until the funeral. It wasn’t planned, but it turns out I’m not ready to see Hollis. I haven’t been able to face him since our breakup. That was the one benefit of him moving across the country—never accidentally running into him somewhere with a broken heart.
I quickly change out of my scrubs and into my black, long sleeved dress. Rushing to my car, I’m glad I park in the parking garage; I’m at least slightly protected from the wind chill and I don’t have to waste time defrosting my windows. I make my way down the highway to the church and circle the lot, searching for a parking space. Unsurprisingly, the place is packed.
The air is heavy inside and it takes everything in my power not to cry the minute I spot Melissa in front of a wall of pictures. She’s so strong, smiling and reminiscing about her late husband with the other guests. For a moment, I feel silly being here, like she might not even remember me, but that’s forgotten when I step up to her and she envelops me in a hug.
“Thank you for coming, Lila. I know Jimmy liked you. He was rooting for the two of you.” I bite my tongue to stop the tears from building, but the effort is futile. I stay and chat with her for a little while, but I’m holding up a line of people. I make my way inside the church. Almost every pew is taken. There’s a seat right on the edge in the back and I sit, hoping I’m not taking someone else’s spot.
Toward the front of the church, I see Hollis with a bunch of his old teammates. They’re all wearing their Red Sox hats in commemoration. The sight opens up a fresh floodgate of emotion.
I’m a blubbering mess through the entirety of the service. So much is coursing through my mind and I can’t hold it together. I feel the loss of Jimmy and I pray for strength for Melissa. I can’t even begin to imagine how she’s feeling and what she’s going through. Selfishly, I play a scenario of what ifs. What if Hollis didn’t get traded? What if he was on that plane? What if it was his plane instead?
Am I wasting time away from him now when this is our one life, our one chance to be together?
Once the service is over, I wait in the back of the church. I’m waiting for my opportunity to say goodbye to Melissa, to tell her to call me if she needs anything at all, but Hollis spots me. For a moment, he freezes before regaining his composure and walks right over to me.
This is it. Our big reunion. It’s going to happen at a funeral.
I need to be a little more sensitive and stop freaking out and focusing on myself. This is bigger than me. We’re both here for our friends. It’s not going to be a big romantic rekindling in front of Melissa.
“Hey,” I say on an exhale, as if finally realizing what a relief it is to see him again. I offer a sad smile and my left arm holds my right elbow, covering my torso, acting as another layer of protection for my heart.
“Hey. I’m glad you could make it.”
I’m sure he had his doubts since he hasn’t seen me since he’s been back the past three days.
“It’s good to see you,” I tell him honestly. He looks down at his feet, his hands in his pockets, and nods. “Do you want a ride home?”
“Don’t you have to go back to the hospital?” I shake my head, no. I’m off for the rest of the weekend, but I figure we can take it one day at a time. “Sure. Let me say bye to Melissa.”
I follow him toward the front of the church where she is standing beside a closed casket. We take turns hugging her and she whispers something in Hollis’ ear. She grasps his shoulders, ensuring he gets the message. He nods and offers a slight grin before joining me and leading me back out of the church.
The drive home is tense with a million thoughts running through my mind and about a billion things I want to say. I don’t say any of them. Instead, we sit in awkward silence, neither of us budging. When we get back to the apartment, I toss my keys on the counter.
“I’m sorry…I’ve been sleeping in the bed…I should’ve asked.” He’s uncomfortable in his own house and it makes me feel bad.
“Hollis, this is your home and your bed. I’m just loaning it from you.”
“I don’t want you to feel that way.”
“Yeah, but I do.” We’re standing on opposite sides of the living room staring at one another. Still, we’re stuck in this impasse. I sit down on the couch and sigh, looking up at him. “I’m sorry. How are you feeling?”
He sits on the other couch and runs a hand through his moppy hair. There are bags under his eyes I only just noticed. He looks exhausted. “Not great.” Every atom in my body fights me to get off this fucking couch and go to him. To comfort him, to hug him, to be there for him. My fingers itch to rub over his back, already imagining the feel of his dress shirt under my palm. “He was such a good guy, you know? None of those people deserved it. If he had just chosen a different seat, a different flight…”
I guess Jimmy wasn’t able to fly down with the rest of the team the previous day. He caught a later flight and Melissa was staying home because her sister just had a baby and they wanted to be here to meet their niece or nephew.
There were a handful of fatalities, mostly injuries. The crash could’ve been much worse, as far as plane crashes go. It mainly hit the right side of the plane. If he’d only have taken a seat on the left side, he’d still be here.
“I’m so, so sorry Hollis.” I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think there is anything for me to say. “I was scared.” My eyes are downcast, picking at the cashmere nail polish on my nails. I risk a glance up at him from under my lashes to find his haunted eyes boring into mine.
His thoughts must echo mine, but he caves to his whims, where I was too weak to open my heart up to the possibility of him again. The fractured pieces in my chest were finally starting to patch themselves, though with the flimsiest of Band-Aids. I thought I was making strides, but seeing him here, like this…I was fooling myself. The only thing keeping me somewhat sane was the 1800 miles between us. With him here and standing in front of me now, I’m putty in his very talented and expensive hands.
“Lila,” his voice is pained as he hauls me up and crushes me against his broad chest. His hands are placed on either side of my face, thumbs rubbing my cheeks. I look up at him, his brown eyes watery, one rogue piece of hair falling across his forehead.
One glance down to his lips and he crushes his mouth to mine. His tongue is minty as it slips past my lips. With my body pressed against his, I finally feel like I can breathe again. I feel whole again. The cracks splitting through my heart disappear, his lips putting me back together. He’s not gentle as he grips me, holding me in place. My nails dig into his back, feeling the same level of fervent need coursing through me. We’re desperate and scared and emotional all at once. We could’ve lost one another. We don’t want to waste an
other moment.
At least, I don’t.
I break the kiss to reach for the buttons on his dress shirt. With shaking hands, I pop the buttons open at a tantalizing pace. Hollis reaches up to help me, tugging the whole shirt over his head when it’s loose enough. My dress follows soon after and they fall on the ground together.
My gaze drops to his chest and my palm, as if working on its own volition, reaches up to touch his pec. His skin burns me, searing heat straight to my heart and opening me up to the floodgate of memories. They pour out of me, reminding me how good we were together, as if I ever forgot. With the slightest force, I push against Hollis’ chest until he backs up and sits on the sofa. I straddle him, my legs hugging his hips. Black panties and blue briefs are the only things separating our cores.
His hand gets lost, buried in my hair, as he grips the blonde strands in his strong palm. He tugs, forcing my neck back to allow him to kiss the sensitive skin. I close my eyes as the emotions threaten to overpower me. My jaw wavers with sadness, with love, with desire…with stark reality. I’m tempted to stop him, if only for a moment. It’s too much, yet this brief visitation into the past will never, ever be enough. It’s breaking my heart all over again. But this might be the last chance we get. So, I say nothing.
He loosens his hold on my hair and I bring his face to mine, kissing him, savoring him. This moment will rip my heart open later, but how could I regret this? Our love is painful and inconvenient, but it’s real and I’ll never regret any moment I spend with him, showing him how much he means to me. Even if it slices through me later.
Hollis lifts his hips without breaking our kiss. Hot skin hits my inner thigh and I know it’s his cock. I reach down, gripping him in my hand, hugging the head. Balancing on my knees, I use my other hand to shift my panties to one side before sinking down on his erection. I hiss at the contact and sigh as I expand around him.
Fastball Flirt (The Boys of Summer Series Book 1) Page 23
