Bittersweet She

by Grace Parkes

  They both laughed and carried on drinking and getting ready. Jaz wore her usual going-out-clothes. Tight black jeans, a band t shirt, a leather jacket, thick eye make-up, bright coloured painted nails and a funky coloured lip stick.

  Tasha was wearing a tight black dress which showed off her voluptuous figure, chunky heeled shoes, light makeup and dark red lip stick.

  The pair of them looked ready to take on the world.

  As the evening progressed, the drinking progressed and not a care in the world was given.

  Tasha began to feel younger again. The mother role that she had been playing for so long began to lift. Her smile appeared, brighter and bigger.

  “Sophie is on her way. She’ll be here by 10pm,” Jaz stuttered as she stared at the time on her phone.

  “I’ll go and get you another drink. You need it,” Tasha said as she made her way to the bar.

  There were in a club called G-A-Y, one of the liveliest places in Manchester’s canal street. It was a busy, booming Friday night and the bar was beginning to fill up. Tasha made her way to the front and ordered them both a beer.

  As she opened her bag to get money out, her phone dropped on the floor. Before she had chance to gracefully bend over to retrieve it, an arm swooped in front of her face and picked the phone up. Tasha then straightened herself to upright position and saw a tall, dark haired smiling stranger stood in front of her, holding the phone in one hand and a bottle of Budweiser in the other.

  “Here you go. My name is Lexi. Haven’t seen you here before?” She smiled, showing her perfect, white teeth and then passed the phone back to Tasha.

  “Erhm, thank you… Lexi. I haven’t been here before. Well, not in a long time. I don’t live around here, oh and my name is Tasha,” Tasha blurted as she got her money out to pay for the beers.

  “Let me get that. Rob, add it my round,” Lexi added as she passed a ten-pound note over the bar.

  Tasha felt awkward but wasn’t sure why. Was this woman hitting on her? Was she overthinking it? Just because she is in a bar called G-A-Y doesn’t mean that everyone is gay, or even that a woman might fancy her? Tasha picked up her beers and smiled at Lexi.

  “’I’ve got to take these to my friend. Sorry, I’m not being rude but she’s expecting someone and she’s nervous… so, thank you. Have a nice night.”

  “See you later…” Lexi smiled again, with a charming smile that lit up her dark emerald green eyes.

  Swiftly making her way up the stairs to find Jaz, Tasha looked behind her to only to see Lexi watching her still, running her eyes over her body, probably admiring Tasha’s full figure. Then all of a sudden Sophie appeared through the entrance.

  “Oh my god, Tasha is that you?” Sophie looked older, but still just as beautiful. Sophie was always charming, but Tasha hated what a bitch she was to Jaz.

  “Wow… Sophie, you look great. Yes! Hello it’s me. I’m just going up to Jaz now… She’s looking forward to seeing you,” Tasha hastily replied.

  “You’re looking hot Tasha. You ought to be careful otherwise I might pounce on you later.” Sophie laughed as she hurried past Tasha, straight up the stairs and over to Jaz. Wrapping her arms around her as if nothing ever happened. As if she never tore her heart out, chewed it up, ate it again and threw it in the trash.

  Tasha finally made her way up stairs steadily walking in her chunky heels (which she had not worn in a while) and delivered her beers to the table.

  “Aw Tasha, you got me a beer? Thanks sweetie,” Sophie took Tasha’s beer and started drinking it.

  “Err yeah sure I did,” Tasha falsely smiled as she sat down and could feel the awkward tension seep from Jaz’s pores.

  The two of them together looked just how they did years ago. They were right together. Even if Sophie was a bit of a bitch. The chemistry was there. Chemistry that Tasha had never felt with anyone. That feeling of passion, the fire, the light, whatever they call it. It hadn’t been there. Why not? She didn’t know. The wrong guy maybe. Either way, she wasn’t sure how to find it.

  Whilst Sophie and Jaz were rekindling their flame, Tasha decided to give them space, as she could feel the third wheel attaching to the metaphorical bike. Tasha made her way up to the smoking balcony and took out a pack of cigarettes which she only saved for special occasions, usually just when she was really drunk or really pissed off.

  As she stood there on the balcony smoking away at the top of G-A-Y, she felt a tap on her shoulder. When she turned around it was Lexi. Smiling. This time she got a good view of her, unlike the dim bar lighting. Lexi was tall, strong build but not overly muscular, chunky black boots, tight white top, biker leather jacket, tied back dark hair and the most piercing green eyes which were complemented beautifully by her pale complexion.

  “Hi. Do you have a spare one of those?” Lexi politely asked.

  “Yeah sure, here you go.” Tasha got a cigarette out of the pack, gave it to Lexi and smiled. “Sorry about leaving abruptly earlier. See the thing is, I’m out with my best friend, who’s just met up with the ex-love of her life, and now I’m third wheeling so I needed to get out of the way,” Tasha explained, struggling to give direct eye contact for some strange reason.

  “Ah the wonderful third wheel. We’ve all been there! Well you’re welcome to hang with me if you like. You really are gorgeous by the way. I love your lipstick and your eyes are just so blue,” Lexi complimented Tasha

  Steven had never complimented Tasha like this. The furthest he could go was something along the lines of ‘Nice Tits’.

  A strange feeling came over Tasha, like butterflies in her stomach and chest. Kind of like sickness but kind of like excited school girl dreaming of Sam Stone. Her cheeks blushed and her eye lashes fluttered.

  “Oh, thank you. That’s very kind of you,” Tasha gently responded, struggling to make eye contact.

  Lexi’s phone began to ring, and she immediately answered it, walked away from Tasha and finished the rest of her cigarette whilst talking about something which seemed important. “Look, I’m so sorry. I have to go. Personal issues. Are you here tomorrow night Natasha?”

  Nobody had ever called her Natasha but she kind of liked it. Without mentioning the name mishap, Tasha looked at Lexi and just smiled, without realising, she was smiling.

  “Erhm, yes. We’re here tomorrow night too. Home on Sunday.”

  Lexi looked Tasha up and down, then winked at her. “Great, See you tomorrow. I’ll be around earlier as it is a Saturday after all,” Lexi grinned, walked off and left the club.

  Tasha decided to leave Sophie and Jaz to it. She sent Jaz a text letting her know she had gone back to the hotel and told her to enjoy herself. Tasha needed some time to think about these strange feelings that she had going around in her stomach from a random woman who she had just met. She was trying to convince herself that she was just being silly.

  Did she fancy her?

  Was she as straight as she made out?

  Is anybody really completely straight?

  Who knows?

  Chapter 4

  After a good night of sleep, which was only briefly interrupted by Jaz sneaking back in around 3am, surprisingly alone and surprisingly quietly, Tasha felt truly invigorated. This was the first time in a while that her had not been interrupted by Stevens incessant snoring.

  Tasha and Jaz decided to make the most of their hotel, starting with the full English breakfast and copious amounts of fresh orange juice and coffee.

  “So, Jaz. How was your night? What happened with you and Sophie?” Tasha intriguingly asked as she just managed to get her mouth around a slice of thick cut bread covered in lashings blackberry jam and salted butter.

  “Oh Tash. I still love her. I think she loves me. She is single now and said maybe we should start seeing each other again. I don’t know if I’m being naïve or not but, I think I will give it a go. She’s back out tonight…” Jaz smiled.

  “Well, I’ve got to say, it would nice for you to find some happiness
again. I know you’ve always loved her, so you should do what makes you happy but please, please be careful,” Tasha sternly responded as she topped up her orange juice and then drank it all in one go.

  “Ah, I know Tash. I’m trying to be sensible. Anyway… Sophie said she saw you hanging out with a tall, mysterious looking woman last night. Explain? Or were you planning to keep that quiet? I think not my friend,” Jaz laughed as she indulged in a warm croissant filled with butter and honey.

  “Oh, I don’t know Jaz. We chatted and she bought us a drink, then we had a cigarette and she said she would be here today, in G-A-Y, so I said we would be too. Her name is Lexi. I know it sounds crazy, but I think she was hitting on me. She said I had nice lipstick and that I was gorgeous. I mean, I kind of liked it but I didn’t really know how to respond,” Tasha blurted, drank some more juice and buttered more toast.

  “Tasha… you fancied her, didn’t you? Sam Stone eat your heart out. It’s okay… what happens in Manchester stays in Manchester right?” Jaz laughed. “No wonder you liked the attention, I can’t remember the last time you told me something nice about Steven. Look there’s no pressure. You’ve only spoken to the woman; you’ve not broken your lesbian virginity yet... or have you?”

  “Jaz! Of course not. We just talked that was all. Anyway, enough of the chat. Let’s go shopping, schedule in some tapas, then get ready to hit Canal Street for 4pm?” Tasha expressed, clearly and concisely.

  “You’re the boss. Don’t want to be missing out on Sexy Lexi, do you?” Jaz winked, finished her drink and the pair of them went into Manchester for some retail and food therapy.

  After a day of shopping and eating delicious Spanish tapas, Jaz and Tasha dropped their bags off at the hotel, had a quick change of clothes and headed out to G-A-Y. Tasha felt a nervous wave flood her stomach, just from the thought of seeing Lexi again, in the light of day, without much alcohol in her stomach. Jaz also carried a similar wave, whilst she started to plan out her life again with Sophie, thinking about them moving in together, getting a cat and running off into the sunset.

  “I’m looking forward to meeting your new lover girl,” Jaz smirked as she sipped from her bottle of beer, knowing just how to wind Tasha up.

  “Please don’t embarrass me or anything. Just be you. Be cool and calm. I’m nervous as it is, I don’t even know why,” Tasha hastily explained.

  “Jeez Tash, relax. She’s just a woman, out having fun. Of course, I’ll be fine, you muppet. Only if you promise to be nice to Sophie,” Jaz replied as she pointed her finger in Tasha’s face.

  “Deal,” Tasha grinned, still carrying a huge wave of anxiety making her want to be sick at any moment.

  “Oh wait, that’s her isn’t it? That’s Lexi coming up the stairs now!” Jaz giggled.

  It was indeed Lexi. Tall, good looking Lexi. Slightly rocky, mysterious and intriguing. Lexi clocked Tasha immediately and came over after getting 3 drinks from the bar.

  “Here you go ladies. Oh hi, and you must the best friend? I’m Lexi. Nice to meet you,” Lexi introduced herself as charmingly as can be.

  “Well hello Lexi. Yes, I’m the best mate, better known as Jaz. Nice to meet you,” Jaz smiled and squeeze Tasha’s leg under the table.

  “Hi, nice to see you made it! Erhm, I’m going for a cigarette, do you want one?” Tasha’s face growing a little pinker with each word she said.

  Lexi nodded and followed her up the smoking balcony, just in time as Sophie appeared at the entrance. Tasha pointed to Jaz, so Sophie knew where to find her, as the pair walked up to the smoking terrace.

  “So, you decided to come back out and see me huh?” Lexi said in a confident sexy way which made Tasha feel stupidly excited in her head, heart and groin.

  “Hah, yes, well, Sophie is out too, so I was glad you were coming then I could chat to you a bit more and maybe not be so much of a... third wheel?” Tasha blurting out words without even thinking as her mind was too confused about fancying the absolute pants off of this tall dark handsome woman.

  Lexi smiled at Tasha, they finished their cigarettes and went back down to the bar to sit with Sophie and Jaz.

  The four of them spent hours drinking, talking and getting to know each other more. Everybody was getting on quite well. The dynamics felt like a double date. Tasha’s thoughts were constantly racing through her head.

  Every time Lexi brushed against Tasha it felt like fireworks had been set off in between her legs, in her mind, in her heart.

  What. The. Fuck.

  Infatuated like a school girl with this random woman. What about Steven? Peg? Her house, her home. It all hit Tasha too hard. She stood up and made a fast dash to the bathroom.

  Tasha looked at herself in the bathroom mirror and splashed water in her face. Drank water out of the tap. Slapped her own cheek. Anything to make her feel calmer.

  Staring into the mirror Tasha hoped she could figure out what she wanted. She had a boyfriend and a life back home which some people would love to have. Even if she wasn’t truly happy. Wasn’t that just life? Just when she began to calm, Lexi walked into the toilet.

  “Are you okay Natasha? That was abrupt. I thought I should see if everything was alright,” Lexi thoughtfully said, looking better than ever even in the bright bathroom light.

  Tasha looked at Lexi, and Lexi stared at Tasha. Stared at her like a wild lion ready to jump on their prey. Lexi grabbed Tasha’s hand, pulled her closer and kissed Tasha so hard and passionately that Tasha couldn’t even get her breath. Tasha kissed her back. They were kissing. It was getting more and more heated. With nobody else in the bathroom Lexi pulled Tasha into a cubicle where she picked her up, wrapped her legs around her waist and started biting, kissing and licking her neck. Tasha had never felt like this before. Her pulse was strong, in her chest and in between her thighs. All of the confusing thoughts were gone, and Lexi overtook it all. Lexi grappled Tasha’s thighs and pulled her as close and as hard as possible, thrusting in between her legs. Lexi’s hands and kisses felt electric. Her hands started moving up Tasha’s dress, their breathing became heavier, the feeling became heavier, they were both on fire, the desire was unbelievable.

  “Are you in here mate?” Jaz shouted.

  Lexi and Tasha froze. Staring at each other and smiling.

  “Yes, I’ll be out in a minute,” Tasha replied out of panic.

  Jaz left the bathroom and Lexi could see that Tasha looked like a ball of confusion. She unwrapped her legs from around her waist and held her close for a moment.

  “Are you okay? Sorry if I was out of order. I just, I had to,” Lexi smirked whilst stroking Tasha’s hair.

  “I’m fine honestly, I just… haven’t done this before. I’m sorry. It’s not you, I just, I’m confused,” Tasha blurted as usual.

  Lexi kissed her once more on the lips, straightened up her dress and opened the cubicle door. “Come on darling, let’s go back out there and have another drink.”

  Tasha smiled at Lexi and they walked back into the bar as if nothing ever happened, bought a drink and joined Sophie and Jaz who were becoming very touchy feely at the table. Tasha carried on drinking, thinking, contemplating, but also accepting that whatever just happened, in a cubicle with a woman in G-A-Y, felt good and she liked it. She kissed a girl and she liked it.

  What baffled her so much was what should she do next?

  Chapter 5

  The Manchester getaway was over, yet Tasha’s actions lingered on. Her anxiety and guilt started to set in hard as Jaz dropped her off outside her house. As she approached the front door, her first thoughts were more orientated towards the health of Peg the cat and also the state of the house. Tasha made her way inside as her jaw nearly hit the floor to see that the house was spotless. Not a single dirty sock in sight. No dirty plates overfilling the sink. Then reality hit. Julia had been over, of course.

  “Hey honey, I’m so glad you’re home. The food has been shite without you. Me and Peg barely survived.” Steven welcomed Tasha with
open arms, of which she awkwardly accepted. “Did you have a nice time? Hope you didn’t meet any hot men out in the big city.” Steven laughing as Tasha died a little more inside. The burning ball of oh-my-god-what-have-I-done grew and grew.

  “Very funny. I see your mother has been over and gutted the house. I knew she couldn’t wait to get her claws stuck in,” Tasha sighed.

  “Well, yeah, she did enjoy herself. Anyway, there is a few lads meeting up at Jacks house later and I was thinking about going over, do you mind? You’re welcome to join but it’s probably not your scene,” Steven smiled.

  Tasha looked at Steven and all she could see was a huge child desperate to play FIFA and drink beer. “Whatever you like, I’m so tired. It’s been great fun with Jaz, but I haven’t drank like that in ages. Have a nice time,” her cold flat reply couldn’t seem any more disinterested.

  Steven kissed Tasha on the cheek as he got his coat and headed out of the door. Tasha went upstairs feeling slightly alien in her own home and skin, hoping a hot bath would make her feel more alive again. As she sorted through her weekend bag, she noticed a small piece of paper poking out of her clutch bag from the night out.

  Lexi 07367256139

  Call me x

  A kaleidoscope of butterflies swarmed through Tasha’s stomach. Thoughts rushed through her mind, making her feel dizzy, excited and nauseous all at the same time.

  Lexi was supposed the be left in Manchester.

  The lesbian fling was not supposed to travel home with her.

  This was not supposed to happen.

  Tasha decided to get in the bath and relax her mind. Thinking of Lexi was too much for her at this moment in time. Why was Lexi so intoxicating? She didn’t know. All she did know was that her mind and body felt tired, and that tomorrow was an 8am start.

  After a good night of sleep, Tasha awoke realising two things:

  1. Steven had not returned home