by Davis Bunn
That Friday, Daniel called Stella from the pickup just as she pulled out of his driveway. Daniel told her, “When we’re done with your story, maybe they’ll let me do a piece on how tired one guy can get.”
Despite the sandpaper-rough edge to his voice, she loved hearing him over the car’s speakers. “Where are you?”
“I’m trapped on the 101 parking lot just south of Santa Barbara. I should be home sometime next week.”
“You should have stayed over.”
“Not a chance. I miss my girls.”
There was no reason why those words should cause her to smile. “Nicole and Goldie will be very happy to see you.”
“You know exactly who I mean.”
“Yes.” She was talking around a grin as big as her face allowed. “I know.”
The silence was comfortable now, warming.
Someone beeped behind her, and Stella realized the light had turned green. Daniel asked, “Where are you now?”
“Driving my hungry girl home.”
Amber said, “Hi, Daniel. Mommy made a mess in your kitchen.”
“You weren’t supposed to tell him.”
Which only made Amber shout, “Mommy made pea soup, you know, like the place in Solvang. It exploded. She even got green goop on the ceiling.”
“That’s not true.”
“Mommy had to ask Ricki to come over with a ladder!”
“All Daniel needs to hear is that he has a lovely dinner waiting for him when he gets home.”
Daniel replied, “The next noise you hear is my stomach growling.”
Stella pulled into the driveway and just sat there, sharing this moment with her daughter. Daniel went on, “We’ve started moving again. Maybe I’ll make it home by midnight. Which brings us to the subject of tomorrow.”
“What about it?”
“I was wondering if I might interest you ladies in another hike to—”
Amber sang the words, “Tranquility Falls!”
“The flowers will probably be gone,” Daniel said. “They’re mostly desert blooms and won’t last this long. Especially with the heat wave. But with the rains—”
“Please, Mommy, pleeese!”
Stella loved how her daughter bounced on her seat. The light in Amber’s gaze was strong enough to fill her own heart. “I don’t know. We had plans tomorrow, didn’t we, darling?”
“No, we didn’t!” Her voice a melody now. “Tell him yes!”
“Maybe we should wait for next week, see if the weather grows a little cooler. It’s too hot for us to walk all that way—”
Amber looked ready to explode. Then she heard Daniel’s chuckle and accused Stella, “You’re teasing me!”
“No, darling, I was just worried you might be too hot—”
“I hate it when you tease!”
Daniel said, “What do you think, Amber. Should we make her stay in her room?”
“And stand in the corner!”
“Not all day.”
“Yes! She blew up your kitchen, and now she’s teasing me!”
They were all laughing now. Daniel said, “Okay, I’m almost back up to cruising speed. I’ll pick you folks up at six.”
* * *
Amber came bounding into Stella’s bedroom just after five. “It’s time, Mommy! You have to get up!”
Daylight’s gray smudge disappeared when Amber switched on the ceiling lights. “Turn that off.”
Amber started flicking the lights. On off, on off.
“Girl, I am warning you.”
“You teased me, now I’m teasing you back!”
Stella pulled the pillow over her head. “Go turn on the coffee, and come back in an hour.”
On off. On off. Amber raced over, stole the pillow, and went back to playing with the switch.
“I’m going to leave you in the closet.”
Amber danced down the hall. “I’m making lunch!”
They left Miramar with the dawn. Stella insisted on driving Daniel’s pickup. He looked exhausted, and she wanted him to have this chance to relax, set down his burdens, and let others do for him.
Other than occasional directions on where she needed to turn, they made the drive in silence. Amber and Nicole occupied the rear seat. Goldie panted softly between them, shifting her head toward whoever stroked her pelt. The girls showed no more interest in speaking than the adults up front. Four people and perhaps even this remarkable dog, united by the unspoken fact that they were all in the midst of massive change.
Daniel’s growing love was introducing Stella to a new level of fear. She had so many broken pieces. So many half-healed wounds. So many fragments to render herself unlovable.
And yet the more Daniel came to know her, the stronger grew his love.
Unbelievable.
Stella pulled into the empty lot and cut the motor. The day was cool, with the sun barely above the horizon, but it would soon become stifling. They moved together, accepting packs containing drinks and food and two blankets. Stella applied sunscreen to the two girls’ faces and arms, then herself, and finally Daniel. It felt so nice, tracing her fingers over his features, feeling the strain and tension ease somewhat under her touch. Nicole attached Goldie to the leash, and they set off. They moved in easy tandem, walking in silence, the loudest sound from doves nesting in the Coulter pines and the jangle of Goldie’s leash. Easy and comfortable. Like they did this all the time.
Like a family.
The girls moved on ahead, with Goldie taking an impatient lead. As she walked hand in hand with Daniel, it occurred to Stella that she had entered a thin place. One where the distance between earth and some different realm, a haven with the strength to heal even her, was reduced to almost nothing. She walked a golden path toward a place she could not name, where the messiness of her life, the burdens she carried, could finally be set aside. Making room for something she could not even name.
When they reached the bowl, the flowers were almost all gone. But the waterfall still sang its welcome, the lake still shimmered, the grass rustled a breezy hello. She and Daniel stood holding hands and watched the girls dance with Goldie. Then the four of them walked around the ledge and gathered beneath the waterfall’s chilly curtain. Daniel laughed with them but otherwise remained quiet. Stella did not mind. If any man on earth deserved the right to ponder in silence, it was him.
They spread their blankets on the sand bordering the pool and ate an early lunch. Afterward, as the girls started to return for another dance beneath the falls, Daniel asked if he might have a word.
“You need to understand,” he told them. “I’m not making a declaration here. I’m asking you for advice. I want to know how you feel. Nothing more.”
For an endless moment, all they heard was the falling water. As though the place itself wanted to be included in this conversation. Finally, Amber asked, “About what?”
“You three have played such a role in my . . .”
When he seemed unable to continue, Stella said, “Becoming who you are. Taking the next step.”
“That’s just it.” He rocked slowly back and forth, nodding with his entire upper body. “Accepting that it is a next step. That this is a permanent shift. That I am this person.”
He breathed in, out, in, then ventured, “I feel like I have become defined by this process.”
Nicole said, “You mean, helping us out.”
“Again, that is exactly the issue. Do I help you, my loved ones?” He looked from one to the other. “Or do I try to reach further?”
Stella could see where he was going now. “You mean, help more people.”
“You’re already doing that with the documentary,” Nicole pointed out.
Daniel kept nodding, rocking back and forth, his eyes on the blanket in front of him. “I am. Yes.”
Stella realized Amber was holding her hand. “You’re thinking about doing something more?”
“Only if you agree.” He met her gaze, and revealed a new . . . something. Li
ght or strength or love. “You three have become the most important people in my world. Whatever comes next, I need to feel like you are a part of this. That you want it to happen.”
Stella felt a shiver course through her as Amber cried, “Want what to happen?”
“I feel like the town needs me. When word gets out of what’s been happening, a lot of people are going to be angry, hurt, and very afraid.”
“Yes,” Stella said. “Do it.”
“Absolutely,” Nicole said. “It’s a great idea.”
“Do what?” Amber looked from one person to the next. “What are you people talking about?”
Daniel replied, “I’m thinking of running for mayor.”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Many families and professionals shared their experiences only after I promised them anonymity. From the first day I started this research, I have been deeply moved by the willingness of experts and survivors to discuss addiction and treatment and recovery, emphasis on that last word.
So many great strides have been made in turning recovery from a distant hope into a reality shared by millions. Families and relationships and lives are being transformed as a result. That is what I wanted to focus on here: the power of recovery, and the hope of what lies beyond.
This story is dedicated to everyone who taught me so much and granted me new reasons to hope.
