by Karen Woods
Tina lay on the sofa watching the events on the street unfold while munching on snacks. Crisps were her downfall – she didn’t want to count the number of packets she could get through in a night while she was watching TV. She ate the last one then poked every finger inside her mouth in turn so she could suck off the salty flavouring. At least the comfort eating kept her away from the booze, she figured.
Behind her the door was flung open and Nevaya stormed into the room, up in arms about something, ever the drama queen. She was shrieking at the top of her voice and it took every ounce of Tina’s self-control not to read her the riot act. She wouldn’t stand for this at school – why should she have to put up with it at home? Who the hell did she think she was talking to? There was really no need for this. Nevaya carried on shouting and poking her finger towards her stepmother.
‘Have you used all the conditioner? I have to wash my hair tonight and it’s all gone. Every Tuesday and Friday I wash my hair, and you’ve used it all again. You’re a selfish bitch. You’ve done it on purpose.’
Chris sat up, his hair was stuck up all over the place. He’d been having a snooze, hand stuck down the front of his shorts. He sat up swiftly, and looked over at his daughter.
‘Oi, watch your mouth. Don’t speak to Tina like that or you’ll get a clip round the ear.’ Really helpful. Tina sighed. He should have been up out of his seat and ragged her up to her room, grounded her, taken her mobile phone away. Something to make the kid actually listen. She stood up; there was no way she was being spoken to like this, no way in this world. She eyeballed Nevaya. ‘Right, young lady. And who the hell do you think you’re talking to? Sort your attitude out and speak to me with some respect. I’m not one of your friends from the streets, and we never brought you up to have a mouth like that.’
Nevaya kicked off again, didn’t give a shit. ‘I’m sick of this bloody house, sick of you too, Tina. All you do is moan.’
Chris was studiously ignoring them, suddenly fascinated by Corrie in a way he never had been in all the years. Tina had to bite her lip before she said something she’d regret. She sat back down on the edge of the sofa and folded her arms tightly around herself. ‘Just go back upstairs and have a look in the drawer. There will be a new one in there. You’re horrible lately. I don’t even know you anymore.’
Nevaya put her hands on her hips and glared. ‘You don’t know me because I don’t want you to. You’re not my mother. I have my own, so back off.’
That was below the belt. After she’d given up so much to take on these kids. Where was the respect? Tina could have married a man without any baggage, without any problems, but she chose to give everything to this family, to help them stay together. Maybe she should have told her that, knocked her off her high horse. Ever since Chris’s ex, Wendy, had come back on the scene again, it had all gone steadily downhill. It was a joke – not a word from her for all those years and then she decided to rock up like nothing had happened. Where had she been when the kids needed her most? She didn’t deserve to be a mother. She was just a woman who had given birth and then abandoned her family when it suited her. What kind of woman did something like that?
Tina took a deep breath and looked over at Chris, hoping he’d back her up. Nothing. It was like his eyes were welded to the TV. Her blood was boiling now.
‘Are you really going to lie there and say nothing? Can you not hear how she talks to me?’
Chris sighed and scratched his head. Bloody hell, all he wanted was a bit of peace and quiet. Was that too much to ask? He was tired and in no mood for all this drama.
‘Nevaya, say you are sorry. And don’t talk to Tina like that. She’s always been good to you, never let you down. Your mam has been back on the scene for two minutes and suddenly you think the sun shines out of her arse. She dumped you both here, left you, are you forgetting that?’ There, that should do it. But his words had the opposite effect.
Nevaya paced up and down the living room like a headless chicken. Forget the bloody conditioner – this was her mother’s honour she was fighting for now. She looked at her dad, bent towards him as she spoke. ‘So what, she made mistakes, that was then, and this is now. Anyway, she told me the real reason why she left, and it was because you were shagging her sat over there, dear father,’ she pointed over at Tina. ‘Mum loved you, Dad, and you broke her heart. What did you expect her to do?’
That was it. Chris was on his feet now, roaring so loud the walls shook. She had no idea what really went on, he shouted. How dare she speak to him like this, believe her lying bitch of a mother who wouldn’t know the truth if it hit her full on in the face.
‘You’re talking out of your arse. Why are you even listening to her bullshit? She’s a born liar. I’ll tell you what, shall I, get your arse back up the stairs and stay there. You’re grounded.’
Tina had had enough too. No more playing good cop, trying to keep the peace. ‘If I was a different woman, I’d slap the living daylights out of you. Whatever happened between your parents is none of your business. And I met your dad after he’d split up from your mum, so put that in your bleeding pipe and smoke it,’ she yelled into her stepdaughter’s face. ‘And, if we’re being honest here, I’ll tell you what actually happened between Wendy and your dad, shall I?’
The colour had drained from Chris’s face. He had to stop her before she went too far, but it was already too late. Tina was on a roll now, so much for his private life staying private. He groaned and put his head in his hands.
‘Your mother was sleeping with anybody who would have her. It was your dad who was the injured party here not her. Every bloody night she left you and Charlie so she could go off with one of her fancy men and it was your dad who stayed home and looked after you both. Go on, Chris, tell her. That’s the truth, so don’t be letting her paint some romantic portrait of that old tart.’
Nevaya ran at Tina and curled her fingers deep into her hair, yanking, pulling, then pushing her about, shaking her. This was her mother she was slagging off, she wasn’t going to get away with this. How dare she?
Chris knew he had to do something. He leapt to his feet and yanked them apart. ‘Whoa, turn it in now!’ The room was suddenly a war zone, his wife and daughter trying to rip each other’s eyes out.
Tina was fuming, this had been a long time coming and she was holding nothing back. This should all have come out years ago and there would have been none of this. She backed off and stood opposite her stepdaughter panting like a dog on a hot day. She kept her eyes on Nevaya, ready if she decided to make another move.
‘Your mam come home one night and packed her stuff, said she was making a new life with whichever bloke it was that week. She didn’t want any of you, all she cared about was dropping her knickers. And you can tell her I said that too because it’s the truth. She’s a total slag and had been cheating for years,’ Tina yelled, going for gold. She puffed up her chest, ready to deliver the final blow. ‘She was a desperate woman and she’d sleep with anyone who’d give her the time of the day.’
‘Enough,’ Chris screamed at the top of his voice. This had all gone too far. ‘Let’s all just calm down, I’ve heard enough, had enough. Day in and day out you two are fighting and bickering, it needs to be sorted out before I lose my head. I want a quiet life, not this.’
‘It’s her, Dad, not me. She’s slagging my mam off and expects me to sit here and say nothing. But we can all tell the truth though, can’t we?’ Her eyes sparkled with fury. ‘Is it not right that you were her friend, and our babysitter? Yes, I thought you’d change your tune now. Look at you, lost for words. My mam told me all about you too. You were her mate, she trusted you and you two were having it off behind her back. OK, she messed up, but what you two failed to mention is that she caught the pair of you having sex. Yes, in her bed. So don’t you dare come across all high and mighty and try and tell me that my mother is a whore. She’s worth ten of you, Tina,
and you know it. That’s why you’ve never even spoken to me about her. Did you think I would just forget her?’ She started to back off, heading towards the door. ‘Well, I’ll never forget her, she’s my flesh and blood, not a plastic pretend mother like you are.’
Chris flung the remote at Nevaya. ‘Go now, get out of my sight before I say something I’ll regret.’
Tina was ready to run after her, but Chris dragged her back by her arm. ‘Turn it in, love, leave her to it. If she thinks that much of her mother, then she can pack her bags and go and live with her. I’ve had enough. Wendy won’t give her the time of the day in a few months’ time, you mark my words. She’s always let her down, she’ll never change, ever.’ A ball of misery choked Tina. Scrapping like one of the kids from school – how had it come to this? Yes, she’d always wanted her own child but it hadn’t stopped her giving Nevaya and her brother all the love and support a kid should have. And this was the thanks she got for always being there. You could bet she was the one who would always be there, not her goddamned mother. ‘All of this because she couldn’t be bothered to find the new bottle of conditioner. She’s not on, Chris. You need to support me on this.’
Chris walked out of the room, came back a few seconds later with a can of Foster’s. ‘I need a drink. Fuck only knows what the neighbours think. It never used to be like this.’
Tina stood with her hands on her hips, her bottom lip quivering. He still hadn’t answered her question. She reached for her handbag, pulled out her cigarettes and stuck one in her mouth before walking to the back door and opening it wide. If he wasn’t going to calm her down maybe nicotine would do the trick. She stepped outside, took a long drag – it seemed like forever before she blew a thick grey cloud of smoke from her mouth. She stuck her head round the door, ‘I’ve a good mind to go and see Wendy, find out what her game is. I was never her friend, the lying bitch. And you two were well split up when we started sleeping together. Why is she poisoning the kids against me?’
Chris rubbed his hand on the side of the sofa. ‘I don’t know and to be honest I’m not arsed, Tina. It’s ancient history. Just forget about it. I’ll have a word with Nevaya tomorrow and make her apologise. I’m stressed with it all, look at me drinking on a weeknight.’ There was silence. Tina stepped back inside the house, fag in her hand.
‘Are you for fucking real, Chris? This goes a lot deeper than a bottle of bloody conditioner. She hates me. Otherwise why has she just said all that?’
‘Stop overreacting. It’s a disagreement. Shit happens, just move on and get on with it.’
Tina flicked her cigarette butt into the garden and slammed the door. Chris was meant to be on her side. He’d barely had to lift a finger raising the kids and keeping the home since she’d come on the scene. A bit of loyalty and gratitude was long overdue. He was getting told.
‘No, you listen Chris, I’ve been putting up with her attitude for months and you’ve done jack shit. Don’t think by having a quick word with her that it’ll all be sorted. You heard what she thinks about me, go on, tell me that’s bloody normal behaviour?
‘I’m saying that I will sort it out. For fuck’s sake, Tina, don’t you think I’ve enough on my plate without this? Turn it in and sit down.’
Tina ground her fingers into her palms, her knuckles turning white. She couldn’t believe he was playing the bloody victim. ‘You’ve had fuck all on your plate compared to me, Chris. I’m the one who is struggling each bastard day, not you. You are aware that I’ve not long had major surgery which means I will never be a mother, aren’t you? Tell me you know that, and you haven’t forgotten.’
But the stress was getting too much for Chris. He let rip. ‘For crying out loud, I knew it wouldn’t be long before that was brought up. Like you’ll ever let me forget it. How did I know that it would all come back to you in the end? It’s not my fault Tina, it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just life and we have to deal with it.’
This was bad, it took a lot to get a rise out of her husband, but she wasn’t backing down.
‘Piss off, Chris. You never really wanted another baby. I bet you’re relieved that I can’t have one, aren’t you?’
‘Don’t go there, Tina. I’m in no mood to be fighting with you too. We both need to calm down. Go and have a lie down or a hot bath.’
‘No, Chris, I won’t. Maybe I should go to my mam’s. At least there I will feel loved and supported.’
Chris sat back down on the sofa. ‘Do whatever you want. I’m watching the football.’ He grabbed the remote and changed the channel.
Tina couldn’t hold back the tears now. ‘Like I said, you don’t care. I’ll get my stuff in the morning and leave you to it.’
Chris watched her leave the room and exhaled slowly. She wouldn’t go, she never did.
Tina slammed the bedroom door shut behind her and stood with her back resting against it. Her chest was heaving, she could feel the start of a panic attack building. Breathe, breathe. She sat down and gripped the edge of the white cotton duvet, took a few more breaths before reaching down to pull a small suitcase from under the double bed. She slowly unzipped it, pulled something out.
Tina ran a single finger softly over a white hand-knitted cardigan. It was so small, so tiny. A woman had been selling them on the local market the year before and she just couldn’t help herself, she had to buy one. She went back every week after that for months: bootees, mittens, all matching sets. And for what? Tina held the cardigan to her cheek and stroked it softly. Maybe she should have given them away instead of tormenting herself whenever she was upset or feeling down.
She could hear someone on the landing and quickly put everything back and pushed the case back under the bed. The bedroom door opened slowly, the bright light from the landing making her screw up her eyes.
‘Are you alright? I don’t want to argue with you, Tina. I love you.’ Chris stood shadowed in the doorway. She sniffed and lay down flat on the bed, dragging the duvet over her body. Her voice was low.
‘I’m a good person, Chris, I never hurt anybody. I just feel like a failure.’
He moved further into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, putting his hand on top of hers. ‘I know, love. Come here and let me hold you. I hate seeing you upset. You’ve been through so much lately. Come here.’ Chris pulled her towards him and looked deep into her eyes, wiping the tears away with the corner of his shirt. ‘It’s all going to be OK. Honest, love, we will get through this.’
Tina started to cry again. ‘I’m broken. I can’t explain what is happening to me. I just feel empty all the time. Will this ever pass?’ Chris looked at the ceiling. It was not a conversation he wanted to get into – he was hurting too; she just never saw it.
‘Shhh, baby. It will all be fine, hush now.’
Chapter Ten
Frankie looked around Ged’s front room. ‘It’s an alright gaff that you have here, Ged, pretty smart.’
Ged plonked himself down on the sofa and flicked his shoes off as he set the Xbox up. ‘My mam is a right clean freak; she hates any mess. I swear if I fart, she’s there with the air freshener two seconds later.’
Frankie nearly pissed himself laughing. He stared at Ged. ‘You’re an OK kid, you know. Me and you are going to be good mates. What if I get my head down here tonight, will that be OK? My mam knows I often crash with mates.’
Ged nearly passed out: a sleepover? A mate staying at his house. He didn’t have to think twice. ‘Defo, you can top and tail with me, or kip on the floor. Like I said, my mam isn’t in until late and she’ll be glad that I have some company. She’s always telling me to get out more.’
‘Sorted then,’ Frankie said, as he kicked his shoes off too and the games began. They never stopped laughing. Ged kept them fed with whatever he could find in the cupboard – crisp butties, biscuits. Suddenly he was the hostess with the mostest.
Halfway through the
evening, Frankie stretched his arms above his head and suddenly looked concerned. ‘Fuck, I might have to go actually. I’d forgotten I’ve got some weed and that still on me and I need to stash it somewhere safe.’
Ged was torn. He didn’t want to get involved in that side of things, but there was also no way he was going to lose his new friend after the laugh they had had together.
‘You can store it here if you want. There’s a loose floorboard under my bed, you can put it there. Nobody ever comes in my room, only my mam and she won’t look down there so it will be as safe as houses.’
It was clearly exactly the answer Frankie was looking for.
‘Top one, mate. Show me where it is so I can get it hidden away. I don’t want your mam finding it, do I?’
As Ged stood up he looked over at Frankie. Fucking hell, he was rolling a spliff. Ged was speechless. If his mam’d walked in right now, she’d have slung Frankie out by the scruff of his neck. A spliff in her front room! She’d do her nut. And then give him the same old lecture about how only fools took drugs, they ruined lives.
‘Have you ever been stoned?’ Frankie asked.
Ged could have lied but the question took him by surprise. He froze. Frankie burst out laughing.
‘Stop being a soft lad, everyone blazes a bit of bud. It chills you out. I’ll light it up when we go to bed. I always smoke a zoot before I go to sleep, it relaxes me.’
Ged figured it would be safer to get it out of sight in his room rather than making the lounge stink of the stuff, and showed Frankie upstairs to his room. He was just helping a friend out, there was no harm in that was there?
The next morning, Clare opened Ged’s bedroom door and stood gawping. It was hard to make out in the winter morning gloom but it looked like there was someone else in her son’s bed with him, she wasn’t sure. She edged further inside the room and took a closer look. Surprise hit her like a truck, she barely managed to get back out onto the landing. She looked like she’d seen a ghost. She made it to her bedroom, where she sank to the floor. It all made sense now; the moods, the secretiveness, the aggression. Why had she not seen what was right in front of her eyes? Maybe he’d been trying in his own way to tell her, but she never had the time to listen to him – she was always so busy. She was a bad mother, she’d failed him. Clare pulled her phone out of her cardigan pocket and started typing into the Google search box. ‘What to do if your son is gay’.
