by Hart, Cary
“She tried the eggs,” I whisper.
“She tried the eggs,” CJ agreed. “Everything in this binder,” she opens the coffee-soaked pages, flipping through as she continues, “this is what you thought you needed to get to the end. Your goal? The happy ever after. The problem? You forgot the happy.”
CJ’s right. I thought if I lived my life accordingly, followed all the rules, I could have exactly what my parents had.
“So, the real question is…what kind of eggs do you like?” Mal joins in.
“I don’t know.” I hang my head. The reality is, I fixed us what Jeffery liked: two eggs sunny-side up with a slice of bacon. “What I do know is I kind of hate sunny-side up,” I admit.
“Jeffery’s favorite?” CJ questions, though she already knows the answer.
“Yeah. Too yellow and way too runny.” I make a face.
“Don’t tolerate the eggs, taste them,” Mal joins in.
“When she says eggs, she means dicks.” CJ laughs.
Mal nods.
They both high-five.
“Speaking of dicks, look at this one.” Mal swipes her phone to life and flashes us the screen.
“Who is that?” I can’t help but blush.
“It’s this guy I met through a dating app. Apparently, when I said let’s chat, he took that as let me take a picture of my penis and send it to you.” Mal chuckles. “Like, why he would do that?”
“Question is why would you keep it.” I take the phone, examining the pic a little closer.
“Let me see.” CJ yanks the phone from my hands, blowing the pic up to twice the size. “Just as I thought.” She flashes us the screen. “It’s a Google dick.”
“A what?” Mal and I question.
“Clover, I’m disappointed in you.” CJ hands Mal her phone back and grabs mine. “And you call yourself the Google queen…” After a quick search and a couple swipes, she flips the cell around. “Google dick: a picture of a dick found with a Google image search. Most often used for sexting,” she whirls her finger in Mal’s direction, “when you don’t want to send a picture of your actual dick.”
“So, that’s not his dick?” It’s Mal’s turn to examine it. “I mean, I thought it was gross he sent it to me, but never thought it wasn’t his.”
“It’s pixilated. Plus, if you zoom in, you can see a small border, which proves it’s a screenshot.” CJ points out.
“Wow! You can.” Mal laughs, zooming in and out really fast, as she practically falls on the floor laughing. “Grower.” Zoom out. “Shower.” Zoom in. She repeats this a few times until she realizes we aren’t at all amused. “Um…can I blame the lack of sleep?”
“No, you can’t. However, we can go with lack of nutrition.” CJ scoots her chair back. “Who’s ready to move this gab-fest to the Shake Shack? I need to get some grease in me.”
“Me!” Mal follows.
“Guys, I’m going to pass.” I reach for my binder and stand. “You both have given me so much to think about.”
“Going to try some eggs?” Mal flashes me a smile.
“Maybe, but first,” I hold the binder in front of me, “I’m going to—”
“Clo, that binder is holding you back. I thought we—” CJ reaches for it, and I hug it to my chest, then quickly turn.
“Let me finish,” I interrupt CJ interrupting me. “I’m going to learn to live a little and color this baby up.”
“That’s my girl.” CJ turns me around and smacks me on the butt. “Go get ’em.”
“Wait…” I purse my lips. “Are you not walking out with us?”
“I have to make up with Monica.” CJ throws her thumb over her shoulder. “I’ll probably need Mal’s help.”
“Good luck. You’ll need it.” I shake my head and laugh as I turn and head for the door.
This time, my exit is a little more graceful than it was before.
CHAPTER 6
AUSTIN
I came to work early to get things done. To forget about her. And I was doing pretty damn good until it was time for Dr. Feelgood. When it’s your job to talk about sex, you have no choice but to think about it—a lot.
Most guys wouldn’t have an issue with this, but Clover is my best friend—hell, she’s practically family—and this is a massive goddamn problem because here I am imagining what it would be like…
Fuck!
I’m being a little pussy. Mind over matter is all it will take. I’m a dude. It’s easy to override our system. Just replace the data—and by data I mean the naked images of Clover imprinted on my brain.
I wish it was as simple as holding up a wand to forget it all, but that’s only in the movies. This is actually more fun—adult show-and-tell, cell phone style.
Reaching for my phone, I swipe it to life and scroll through my contacts.
Abby — too clingy.
Bianca — too handsy.
Ciara — too hairy. It’s the toes!
Jenny — too freaky.
Sexy Sierra. She’s pretty fun, and if my memory serves correctly, she has a pretty sweet naughty nurse costume.
Me: Hey, beautiful.
Girls love it when you make them feel special. “Beautiful” hits all the right spots.
What do you know, we got dots…
Sexy Sierra: Hey, handsome. It’s been a while.
If I were any Average Joe, this could possibly be a sticky situation to reply to. It’s been a while could be code for “why in the hell are you messaging me?” or “the past is the past. Let’s hook up.” Good thing I’m Dr. Feelgood and I have an answer for everything. It’s why men and women write, email, or call into me for advice. It’s also why I have the number one talk show on satellite radio.
Me: It has. I was hoping you would call. I’ve missed you.
Sexy Sierra: Aw. <3 Does Dr. Feelgood need a naughty nurse?
And here it is. The perfect opportunity knocking on my door. Clover who?
Me: I was hoping for dinner. To catch up, but now that you mention it…
This is where she thinks the ball is in her court but in reality, I’m controlling the score.
Sexy Sierra:
Sexy Sierra: Maybe that will hold you over until tonight. ;)
That’s what I’m talkin’ about. I didn’t just get a boob pic, I got a full-frontal of Sexy Sierra lying naked on her bed. Legs spread, waiting for…
Clover: I forgot my key. I’m near the office, can I swing by and get yours?
No! No! No! She doesn’t get to invade my texts. Not when I was thinking about doing very naughty things to Sexy Sierra.
Me: Sure. TTYL.
Clover: Thx. B there in 10.
Me: K.
Sexy Sierra: Did you not like? Having doubts?
Shit, the number one rule to sexting: no regrets from either party, and I just broke my own damn rule.
Me: Hell no. I got distracted by a certain photo. H-O-T.
Sexy Sierra: Show me how hot.
“Oh shit.” I look around to make sure no one is watching, unbuckle my belt, reach in, cock in hand—literally—and snap a quick pic just as a text from Clover comes across the screen.
Dammit.
Clover: B there in 15. I stopped and got us a sub.
One quick swipe to the left, Clover disappears, and the dick pic is on its way to Sierra.
Clover: Ha! It’s a Google dick!
Fuck! Of course, this would happen. Here I was trying to forget the images from this morning by sexting it up with Sexy Sierra and end up sending my rock-hard cock to Clover.
Me: Oops! Ummm…
What else can you say to that? I can’t deny it.
Sexy Sierra: Hey, did you forget about me?
I’m getting too old for this.
Quickly pulling up my pics, I forward the pic to Sierra as Clover walks in.
This should be good.
CLOVER
I’m going to kill Mal for telling her brother about the Google dick incident. Is
n’t anything private anymore?
“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Owen Decker, Hotline Hookup’s producer, hollers from inside his office.
Normally, I would stop and chit-chat, but I have places to go and people to see. Okay, maybe that’s a lie, but I do have to get back to Austin’s to make sure Kramer doesn’t have a meltdown when the driver drops him off.
“Brought lunch.” I hold up the bags and keep walking.
Reaching the studio, the On-Air light is off, and I walk right in.
“Think you’re funny, don’t you?” I laugh off the pic and set the subs down. “I can’t believe Mal. What did they do, call as soon as I left?”
Austin holds up his finger and continues texting and I carry on, babbling about our morning coffee talk shenanigans ignoring his request.
Austin Montgomery saw me naked. No matter how hard I try to forget, I can’t. It’s not like modesty is my middle name. But, him catching me in my birthday suit, has me seeing him in a whole new light. I can practically feel the heat rising as his eyes raked over me. He’s my best friend, I struggle to remind myself and begin the senseless chatter, talking about anything and everything and hope my best friend doesn’t notice my nervous behavior. So, I do what I do best and continue talking about anything and everything. “Like, who knew Google dick was even a thing?”
“A thing?” Austin glances up with a puzzled look.
Jeez, palm to the forehead.
“What does Mal have to do with my dick?” Austin winces. “Ew.” He shivers. “Pretend I didn’t just say that.” His phone beeps, and he’s back at it. Whoever he’s messaging apparently ranks higher than the station, food, and me.
“I know what a penis looks like, thank you very much.” I stand there, hands on hips, giving Austin my best go to hell look. “I also know what a Google dick looks like, and this,” I flip my phone around, flashing him the pic of one of the biggest penises I’ve ever seen, “is exactly that. I’m willing to bet it’s a porn peen.” I chuckle.
“Porn peen?” A laugh comes from Austin, like he sprung a leak—slow at first, stopping, then starting all over again. He wasn’t done yet either. I could tell from the way his hands let his cell drop to the floor and he rolled his emerald eyes to the ceiling.
“It’s not that funny.” I cross my arms.
“I-I-I’m so sorry, but…” Austin tries to catch his breath as he bites his lip, holding his amusement hostage.
“It’s not that funny,” I huff out.
From somewhere deep inside his chest comes a rumble, a shaking motion as his muscles grow tight. This man is about to explode.
“Whatever,” I mumble. “You are worse than a fourteen-year-old boy.” I lean back on the sound board, patiently waiting for him to finish.
“Sorry, Clo, but you said that dick looked like a porn star’s cock.”
“Well, what normal-sized penis looks like that? It’s all, like, huge…” I hold my hands out so he can get an idea that what he showed me isn’t normal, “and super veiny. It’s about to bust out at the seams or something.” I examine the pic one last time before I finally delete it.
“What if I were to tell you that porn peen was mine?” Austin smirks as he bends down, reaching for his cell, quickly swiping it to life.
“You wish.” I can’t help but dip my eyes to the front of his pants.
“Eyes up here, sweetheart.” Austin’s lips curve up, teasing me.
“Don’t flatter yourself.” I roll my eyes, and then my shoulders, uncomfortable in the situation I somehow got myself into.
“Oh, trust me, I don’t need to do that when—”
“Just stop!” I shout.
“Calm down.” He raises his hands to shush me. “Before Owen comes in here.”
“So?” I look at Austin like he’s crazy. “I brought enough food.” I reach in the bag and throw Austin his sub. “I’ll never eat all of mine.”
“It’s not that. Apparently, our show has dropped from number one to the number two spot and corporate is a little pissy about it. They want him to come up with something new and trendy no one else is doing.”
I’m really not sure what the station expects from a sex-talk radio show. There’s nothing Austin can really do except continue giving advice. He’s Dr. Feelgood. It’s what he does. It’s what makes Live Wire Radio their money.
“Hmm, I’m sure you guys will think of something.” I tear off a piece of my turkey club and pop it into my mouth.
“Yeah, but in the meantime, Owen is moody as fuck.”
Austin’s phones chimes again, and he smiles.
“Who has you looking like that?”
“Like what?” Austin raises an eyebrow.
“You know what I’m talking about. That is the same look you had when you found your father’s Playboy stash.” I set my sub down and brush the crumbs off my hands.
“Same look, huh?” He glances at his phone and clicks his tongue. “Well, let’s just say, it never gets old.”
“Oh my God! What is it with you people?”
“You people? Are you being serious right now?”
“Yeah! You, your sister, CJ…even Jeffery. It’s like everyone is in heat.”
“You act like it’s a bad thing.” Austin stands, wiping off his slacks. “Sex is an instinct. When two people find each other attractive, a chemical is produced—”
“Spare me the details. I’m not one of your listeners needing advice from Dr. Feelgood. My life is going—”
“Yes?” Austin raises his eyebrows.
“It’s going…”
Hell, I don’t even know how it’s going? Here CJ is having sex with Mr. Do It All Night Long, Mal is chatting with God knows who, Austin is sleeping his way through the alphabet, and then there’s me—twenty-seven, single, sexless.
“I’ll finish that for you. It’s not going.” He plops back down in his chair, elbows resting on the arms, fingers making a steeple, swiveling back and forth about to Dr. Feelgood me, I’m sure.
Feeling defeated, I let out a deep breath. “Austin, I’m more confused than ever. I thought I had it all worked out, but maybe everything I thought I knew was wrong. I mean, look at you.” I wave my hand in his direction. “You’re a—I mean, you—it’s just that you sleep around so much, I’m surprised your thingy hasn’t fallen off.”
“My number one rule: don’t be a joker, wrap your poker. It hasn’t failed me yet.”
“See…you don’t think. You just do.” I purse my lips and angle my head to the side. “And do. And do.”
“Okay, I get it. You think I’m a manwhore,” Austin says as he stands up, walks over to me, and places his hands on my shoulders. “But this isn’t about me. This is about you and how you’re feeling.” Austin bends at the knees, making us eye level. “It doesn’t matter who I sleep with. The problem is your relationship failed and you’re trying to blame your plan, but in all reality, you guys didn’t have a sexual connection and you ignored it.”
“How dare you.” I shift back, and his hands drop.
“Careful there.” He nods toward the board.
“Whatever, Austin. I’m not bad in bed. Actually, I—”
“Clover, you haven’t been listening to me,” Austin cuts in. “It’s not something you did, or even something Dalton did. Sometimes two people look good on paper, but when it comes to what matters, they don’t fit—literally.”
I giggle.
“Tell me I’m wrong.”
I let out the longest sigh. “Fine. You’re not wrong.”
“So, what exactly are you going to do about it?” Austin asks the million-dollar question as he takes a sip of his soda.
What am I going to do?
I can’t keep living my life how I have been, because plot twist—it doesn’t work. The one thing I lacked in my relationship with Jeffery was passion.
I want that. I want to know what it feels like to feel the zing, the butterflies, to want to want more—to need it.
Ma
ybe I should take CJ’s advice and try the eggs. I mean, what could it hurt? I’ve only had one kind, and I know there’s more out there. Hell, my calls with CJ and my Google history is enough to prove that.
“This isn’t something you have to decide right now.” Austin glances down at his watch while he takes a big swig.
“I’ve got it!” I shout as I slam my hand down. “I’m going to become a whore!”
Austin spits his drink out, soaking me and the board.
“Jesus.” I reach for some napkins and begin cleaning up. “What’s your problem?”
“That’s not what I was meaning.” Austin tosses his cup in the trash. “Not at all.” He rests his hands on his head.
“But it’s genius, really.” I continue to clean up. “How could I have had a relationship with someone for so long who couldn’t provide me with multiple O’s?”
Austin shrugs. “It’s true.”
“I know!” I hop off the board, and Austin’s eyes go wide. “Calm down, Montgomery. I know this is new for you, but I promise you, everything will be A-OK.”
“Clover…” Austin warns.
“Calm down, big boy.” I pat him on the shoulder. “This plan is perfect. I’m going on a man-hunt to find the perfect O.”
“Clover, stop talking.” He pushes me to the side, but I don’t stop.
“Yes!” I shout, then begin to pace the room, the ideas flowing as Austin fiddles with his board. “It’s about time I trade this halo in for a pair of horns. This good girl is about to be bad. Very, very bad. I’m talking so naughty—”
“Clover!”
“Austin—” I swing around, hands on my hips, “don’t you dare. This is not some kind of double-standard situation. If I want to have sex with all of New York, I can.”
“Clover, it sounds like you’re suffering from a brutal breakup. I’m sure after things settle down…” Austin starts, using his Dr. Feelgood therapy voice on me.
He’s so dramatic.
