by Talaine Mare
It brings back so many memories
Sometimes I wish they would come alive again
And I could just jump into it
Sometimes, today seems sad
Compared to back then when everything seemed alright
But I know we need to keep moving on
It's a long road to where I'm heading
Half of the road has been travelled
So much has been seen
It's a long way my dreams will take me
I don't know where or when the next
Adventure will be
It's a long road to where I'm heading
Half of the road is still unknown
So much still to do
But I know it will be worth
Every day, every sacrifice
Cause where the dreams are
Is where I belong
In the, darker times, I need some courage
One thing I do is to look back
Seeing those memories and dreams that inspire
I feel so refreshed again
And then I get the strength, to
Look at the future and say here I come
There's a long way ahead I'll keep, moving on
It's a long road to where I'm heading
Half of the road has been travelled
So much has been seen
It's a long way my dreams will take me
I don't know where or when the next
Adventure will be
It's a long road to where I'm heading
Half of the road is still unknown
So much still to do
But I know it will be worth
Every day, every sacrifice
Cause where the dreams are
Is where I belong.
Chapter 3. WHAT'S IN A NAME
As I said before, my name is Katie Greenlight. My full name is actually Katie Rose Greenlight. It's on my birth certificate, and it's also on all of my other documents. But it isn't the name I was born with. You see, as people thought I was a boy when I was born, I was given a boy's name. But living as a girl with a boy's name isn't exactly the easiest life. I really don't know why names have to be gendered, but as they are, it's just one thing that we have to live with, I guess. And the best way to live with that was to change my name.
Changing your name is a weird and unique experience. Most people don't get to do it. In fact, some trans people have said that a unique gift of being trans is the ability to choose your own name. As to how this name is chosen, everyone has their own unique story. For me, Katie was a name somebody in my kindergarten class had. She was someone I sort of admired, although we were never really friends. Katie Rose also fit with my previous initials, giving me some continuity, so it didn't feel like I was losing my past.
Having finally decided on your name is a really empowering thing. You finally have an identity that is you, and that is complete. But the process of actually changing it legally is quite a hassle. Depending on where you live, you may have to go to a lawyer or even go to court. I have even heard of unsympathetic judges making things difficult for people in courts. Luckily, where I was born you only need to go to a registry office to get everything sorted. Once this is done, however, you have to go around to various government departments and organisations to change everything that has your name on it.
The reason why I am revisiting all this is because I am deciding whether to change my name again. Not literally, I am happy with my name now - but whether to have an artist name different from my real name for my music career. When I was living as a boy, it was something I decided that I would definitely do, because I didn't identify with the boy name. Now? I am not so sure. But I guess the best way to find out would be to try and pick an artist name.
**********
What should my artist name be? I have no idea. So I decided to raise the idea with my friend Jayne, who I met for lunch today. I first met Jayne in a youth support group. She was a strong ally of gay and trans people, which she attributes to being raised by two loving moms, whose stories of struggle to get their relationship accepted back in the 1980s and 90s inspired her to reach out and help others in similar situations, although she herself turned out totally straight. Jayne is really friendly and easy to talk to, and is one of those people who almost everyone admires, because they have such confidence about their own lives that they have plenty of it left over to share with other people in need of a confidence boost.
"Your name should be something that represents the real you," Jayne said.
"I am just a normal young woman, I guess. I am not like, someone like Lady Gaga, for example," I said.
"Then maybe you should have a name that reflects that," Jayne said.
**********
It's been a week, and I still haven't been able to decide on an artist name. I knew just the place to get some inspiration: trans forums. People talk about names there all the time.
And I was in luck. There was an active discussion on how everyone chose their name. So I read on.
"As a way of dealing with gender discomfort, I invented an alter-ego from an early age. I called her Renee, after the main character in my favorite book at the time. Renee came to have an email address and various internet profiles when I grew older. Later, I realised that I was living through Renee - that the real me was Renee. So I just changed my name to Renee," Renee wrote.
"I am an only child, but I was supposed to have a twin sister. Sadly, she never made it to birth. Her name would have been Charlene, I was told. I always believed that Charlene now lived in me. Therefore, when I transitioned, I became Charlene. My family was also able to take comfort from the idea that they are regaining the daughter they lost," Charlene wrote.
"I have always admired the singer Christina Aguilera. She is my role model, and she inspires me when I am lost in life. Therefore, I took her name," Christina wrote.
"Rachel was my best friend in high school. She knew about me being closeted trans and was totally supportive. In turn, I was totally supportive of her plans to become an elite concert pianist. Sadly, she died in a car accident in our first year of college. I have vowed to keep up her legacy. I took her name when I transitioned, so she can live on in a way," Rachel wrote.
As I read through the stories, something hit me. Every one of these stories are beautiful because they represent how each name came to mean something to the person, to the point where they became good enough to become a representation of the person. The same thing happened with me and my name. I didn't just decide to become a Katie overnight, after all.
Therefore, I decided that I would not use an artist name. I would just be known as Katie Greenlight, like I am known as in my everyday life. It is the name that is ME. It also fits with the idea that I am an unpretentious young woman, I guess.
**********
Inspired by all the beautiful stories of how other trans women chose their names, I realised that beautiful little stories here and there can be just the thing needed to cheer you up sometimes. I decided to sit down and write a song about it.
[This music can be found on the companion album. The name of the track is Beauty.]
Sometimes it's just the rain
And sometimes it's just the sun
Whatever time we all need
Something to cheer us up
It may be just the night sky
Filled with little stars
But for us it can hold
More meaning than a book
We all need those little things
To remind us of what's worth living for
We all need those little things
Just to show us beauty
And in those beautiful things
We can see why life is worth living
It's just a little book
But to me it's the key
To a time when this world
Seemed like a paradise
And with it I can try to
Build the magic agai
n
And for us love can last an eternity
We all need those moments
Just to show us what life is all about
And then we can carry on in those darker periods
So cherish those little beautiful things
And hold onto those great moments
And live the most out of what comes our way
And when I am under a
Dark cloud and the storm
I won't be afraid if
I have those dreams with me
And we'll keep on going
Till the great moments come back
And for me the world always
Is a world of hope
We all need those moments
Just to show us what life is all about
And then we can carry on in those darker periods
So cherish those little beautiful things
And hold onto those great moments
And live the most out of what comes our way
Chapter 4. GETTING OVER THE FEAR BARRIER
"But you're not really a woman, are you? How can you claim to speak for women?" the show host asked me.
"Well..."
I could feel my heart racing.
"Do I look like a man to you?" I suddenly said. My mind was blank, and I couldn't think of anything else.
The audience erupted into laughter.
"I don't care what you look like, you're just abnormal," a man from the front row yelled. The audience laughed more.
"Man, man, man, man, man...." some people chanted.
I could feel the embarrassment taking over me.
Then I woke up.
It was just a nightmare.
**********
I guess the fear of public embarrassment about being trans is still very much with me. And if I am to chase my dreams, I must conquer it.
Sometimes I think it's so unfair that us trans people basically have to live in fear all the time. There's the fear of physical danger, which trans people who work in some occupations or live in rougher areas are more at risk of. Thankfully, I don't think I will end up having to work in dangerous areas at night, as I am going to college. Nor do we live in a dangerous neighbourhood. But frankly, I am still a bit scared, to the degree that I don't go to quiet places alone, for example.
But there's another kind of fear which affects me much more in my daily functioning: fear of being discredited as a person. Fear of being seen as a freak. As I said before, in my everyday life most people either don't know that I am trans or know but won't raise it. However, there are still many times where I am meeting someone new or when I am in a situation with unfamiliar people, and I am scared if people actually know that I am trans and the issue would be raised at any minute. Frankly, it has never happened before, but I am still scared.
And then there's my inability to date. Yes, I am 18 and I have never been on a date. I have never been kissed, and I have never been 'in a relationship'. The reason? I'm scared, again. I really don't know how to handle explaining myself and the 'trans thing' to other people, let alone a boyfriend. Like my parents, they may have never heard of what being trans is properly. I also don't know if the issue may suddenly arise, for example on our first date. I keep picturing some random guy coming up to my date, and saying 'dude you're dating a drag queen' or something like that.
Wow, I just realised that I have a lot of fear, and that fear is preventing me from living even a normal life.
**********
Why do I fear so much? I mean, rationally there are plenty of nice and accepting people out there, right? And being trans is something that's not THAT hard to explain, right? It's probably more of a mystery than being gay or being a geek, but it's still not totally unheard of, like having sixteen fingers, right?
After a lot of soul searching, I came to a realisation: much of the fear stems from bad experiences from the months just after I came out, my 'transition' period.
I guess coming out was a weird and difficult experience for me, and for a lot of other trans people too. We have the usual stresses about coming out - how to say it, whether the person we are telling would be accepting, and the like. But there's another complication with trans coming out: you are essentially telling the other person that the 'you' they have known through the years is not really you. Well, you are that person, except you physically want to look different. I still have the same interests, the same personality, and the same memories. But still, to most people, a different shell means a different person. Imagine, for example, Justin Timberlake in the shell of Christina Aguilera. We don't actually change that much, but you get the idea.
In fact, coming out was an eerie experience, and something that had to be done repeatedly until everyone was told. Understandably, I would not want to revisit that part of my life again. I wish society was more ahead on its understanding of what being trans is, as then we would have a common language to talk about these things and people would understand what we mean. But society is not there yet, and probably won't be there for some time, because being trans is rare. I guess that's hard to change.
No girl wants to 'look like a man' or be identified as one in any way. In fact, I know of a case where a young woman underwent expensive plastic surgery because a stranger on the subway thought that she was a man. But for us trans girls, being treated as a man even when we have done our best to show you otherwise is especially painful, because it is like a deliberate invalidating of our identity. Nobody likes to be told that they are not who they believe they are, trans people included. And yet, early in our transition, it often happens. We haven't adjusted our presentation style well enough yet, we may have put on our makeup in the wrong way. Either way, we end up being identified as a 'boy in a dress' sometimes. To make matters worse, people point and stare. Later on it probably doesn't happen much for most of us, but that early trauma is enough to change our perspectives forever. Psychologically, we are scared that one wrong move and we would end up back where we were.
**********
Today, I had lunch with Jayne again. As she is such a confident person, I asked her why she appeared to have no fears.
"It's not that I have no fears, but I just don't let myself get taken over by them," she said.
"How can you do that?" I asked.
"Thinking rationally is the best way," she said. "Think rationally about what can happen, and how bad things really may be. Think rationally about what you can do in each scenario. It's never as scary as you think."
I guess that was helpful. On deeper thinking, if I had to 'explain the trans thing' now, it would be quite different, actually. I would still be me, still have the same shell, just with a bit of a unique history. It wouldn't be the same experience as 'coming out' the first time. I still can't prevent people from thinking of me as a freak afterwards, but for many people, it would probably be no big deal. And I don't have to be liked by everyone.
And the other thing - I don't look like a boy enough to get mistaken for one anymore. I really should put that fear away.
Chapter 5. A PROBLEM OF IMAGE
One way of having a music career is to get a record label to sign you up and get them to release your material. In fact, it's probably the only way to have a 'big career' in music. So I thought I would explore that idea a bit.
Over the past week I have been reading a lot of 'advice' on how to put together a demo package for record companies. I don't know how good the advice is, so I am basically taking a stab in the dark. But I'll follow their advice, as I have no better place to start. From what I've read, the CD in the package had to have three to four songs, to show them what you are about musically. I have already recorded two, so I'm well on my way to filling the quota. But it's not just about the music. The package also has to tell a story about who you are, as a person. There will need to be a brief bio along with photos.
Luckily, unlike most other people of the same age, I think I know who I am quite well. All that introspection that comes with the p
rocess of preparing to come out and the long process of redeploying your persona in a new shell will teach you a lot about that. Basically, I am the girl next door. I am not weird or 'edgy' in any way. I am also a low maintenance person, and I like how that means I am not stressed out about how I appear all the time. I don't even care about fashion that much. Another thing is, I love my family. Our relationship was tested during my coming out and early transition, but now it's stronger than ever. I am especially close to my mom. I think I should put that down too, as it's an important part of who I am.
Should I say that I am trans? Probably not. I am worried that people will see me in a particular way. Out there in the big world, there are a few trans stereotypes. And here's how I relate to them:
The first stereotype is that trans people behave in an 'over the top' manner, almost like a full time drag queen, complete with heavy makeup, big, fancy dresses and the most drama queen type behaviour. I personally would never dress that way, and I really can't stand drama queens either.
The second stereotype is that trans people live an anti-traditional life, and have very unconventional values. This is simply not true of me. I love my family, I don't drink alcohol, smoke, or take recreational drugs. I have also taken a pledge to remain a virgin until my marriage. I totally respect people who don't make the same choices in life as I do, but this is who I am.
The final stereotype is that trans people are simply weird. Well, I am not weird, and I don't want to be weird. I have nothing against people who choose to be weird, but that simply isn't me.
Understandably, I would never want my management putting me into any of these three boxes. I have decided: the trans thing will not be mentioned.
And I am definitely not paranoid about trans people being boxed into stereotypes by the world out there. Even friends do it. Once a friend told me that I was 'too conservative to be trans', after I told her about my past. I guess they meant the way I live my life, seeing that I am actually a liberal politically. Another friend, after seeing an interview with Laverne Cox online, asked me why I wasn't more like her, i.e. more willing to talk about my trans identity.
