by Kishan Paul
She stepped back, allowing the rest of the family to talk to Kyle. While they hugged and conversed, Alisha scanned the grounds. When she fixed her gaze on the mausoleum where he hid, Eddie realized he was fucked.
Ally didn’t stop walking until she arrived at the door of the mausoleum. She surveyed the area as she approached, ensuring no one noticed. She placed a hand on the thick stone door to the building. Someone had been there. Her heart raced. The bolt was flipped open, and from the rusty outline on the metal of the latch, a lock once hung on it.
A strange sense of déjà vu fluttered in her stomach. Ally considered walking away. The last time she’d entered the building, she’d been reeling from the loss of her husband and had followed Eddie inside. Things spiraled pretty quickly after their meeting, ending with her boarding a plane and facing Shariff. Meetings with Eddie had a tendency to get out of control.
They hadn’t communicated, much less seen each other, since Mumbai when he sent her on the plane back to the States almost a year and a half ago. But this time, her unreturned calls cut deeper. She’d tried to ignore the sting, telling herself Eddie just wasn’t good at keeping in touch. Until she realized the man in question did have time for others just not her. The end result was a silence she didn’t understand but was forced to accept.
Ally grabbed the stone barrier and pulled. The hinges groaned when she pressed her weight against it, opening it enough for her to squeeze in. When she entered, the fluttering in her stomach intensified. The same giant bust of a man sat in the center of the small room, but now instead of one large cement box there were two, one on either side of the statue. And leaning against the sculpture with his arms crossed was the very man she hoped to find.
She closed the door behind her and rested her back against it. “Hi.”
Eddie raised a hand and gave her a slight wave. “Looks like old Harold’s having a party in here. His new girl, me, and now you.”
She took in the two stone slabs on either side of the statue he leaned against. “This is getting kind of creepy.”
“Harold getting a girlfriend?”
She laughed and shook her head. “No, that’s really cute, but the whole us meeting around dead people part.” An uncomfortable silence filled the space. The only sound was of Ally tapping her fingers against the entrance she rested her back against. “If I move away from the door, will you make a run for it?”
“If I planned on running, do you really think you standing in front of the door would stop me?” His shoulders raised a few inches before returning to their normal height. “But considering we’re both trespassing, we should probably get the hell out of here before we wind up in jail.”
“After everything we’ve survived, the police are not what I’m worried about.” She swallowed the nervousness creeping up her chest and moved toward him, stopping when she stood a few feet away. Ally crossed her arms and tilted her head, sizing him up. In dark-colored athletic pants, a white tee, and sneakers, he’d appear to be out for a jog, not arranging a reunion between her and her late husband’s heart recipient. “You look good, Eddie.”
The left corner of his mouth rose, giving her a lopsided grin. “You too. Rest looks good on you.”
Her cheeks heated at his truth. The last time they were together, her face had been swollen and black and blue. “A lot of the reasons I’m rested is because of you.”
“Oh, yeah? Dreaming about me, are we?” He winked.
She laughed. “No. But I’m dreaming because of you.” Her eyes brimmed. She blinked them away. “Thank you for sending Kyle.”
“It wasn’t hard.”
Eddie’s dismissal made her laugh. “Just like finding Jay’s stem donor wasn’t hard?”
A stem donor who requested to remain anonymous. All she knew was the woman had been in the audience that day at Mumbai University. She’d come for the free meal and heard Ally’s speech. There were so many things about the situation that nagged at her. Things she’d been too scared to ask because she wasn’t sure how she’d feel if the answers weren’t ones she liked.
“No, that one was a little hard. We had to use the serial number on the test and track down the time when those digits were entered in the database and into which computer. From there we used video footage to identify her and then facial recognition searches to track her down.” He scanned her as if trying to read her mind. “In case you were wondering, no, she was not forced or manipulated into donating. She did what she did because it was the right thing to do.”
He had clearly just read her mind, and in this case, she was grateful. He’d answered one of the questions that plagued her. “Thank you.” She hesitated for a beat and asked the second troubling one. “Did you bribe her?”
The room fell silent. Eddie stiffened and she regretted asking. His eyes narrowed as if she’d insulted him. “I told her a little boy was dying, and she had the one gift that could save him. She did the right thing… On her own… With zero force or threat or promise of reward.”
Shame burned her cheeks, making her avert her gaze. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you. And thank you for doing what I wasn’t able to.”
They stared at each other, neither speaking. She wished she could read him the way he could read her, but she’d only caught glimpses of the real Eddie. And those brief moments conflicted so much with his normal states of either angry or asshole that she found herself doubting what she’d read.
Her thoughts floated to the boys she never got to say goodbye to. “How are the brothers?”
“Doing well.” Eddie focused his attention on wiping the white dust and picking the cobwebs off his pants.
“And Omar? Razaa mentioned you would make a decision about his future.”
He pinched a stringy piece of web off his shirt before answering. “He’s not on the team anymore.”
The verdict didn’t sit well with her. She approached him. “He was trying to save his sister’s life.”
“I know what he was trying to do. Just like I know what the consequences of his decision were.”
She stopped short when they were toe to toe. “I remember you making a similar decision to help your sister.”
“I did.” His jaw twitched but other than that showed no reaction. “And it cost me my job with the agency. As it should have.”
“Eddie—”
He raised a palm. “It’s done and not up for debate.”
She leaned her hip against the tomb beside her. “You always need to be in charge, don’t you?”
“You always need to believe I’m wrong, don’t you?”
She flinched at his words. “You might be right.”
He chuckled. “It seems we agree.” He pointed at the non-existent watch on his wrist and slid away from her, heading for his escape. An escape she wasn’t ready to give him. “I should go.”
When he tried to move past, she grabbed his arm. “Wait.”
The muscles on his bicep flexed under her grip. He yanked his arm away and backed out of her reach. Ally raised her palms in the air, noticing the way his hands fisted. Rejection was painful. She’d gone through it enough times in her life to understand that, but his repeated rejections of her and her lack of understanding why, it all bubbled to the surface and mixed in with it was frustration over a situation she couldn’t fix.
An uncomfortable tension swarmed around them. He stared at the floor. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t…”
“Don’t apologize, Eddie.” The statement came out louder than intended. She fixed her attention on the statue beside her and worked on reining in her hurt. “I won’t touch you again. Just give me a couple minutes, so I can at least offer you a proper thank you, and then you can leave and never have to see or talk to me again.”
“That’s not what I want.”
“I don’t know what you want,” she snapped. Ally sucked in a breath and cleared her throat. “You confuse me.”
Her confession was met with silence. “When I’m in trouble, you sho
w up and risk your life, your career. When my son’s sick, you find a way to help him. You go to all this trouble to set up a meeting with Kyle and then hide in here to watch it go down.” She rested a hand on each of the cement encased bodies, blocking him from moving. “One minute you’re saving my life, and the next you’re running as fast as you can the other way.”
Eddie didn’t argue. He rubbed the back of his neck while glancing over her shoulder at the door. “Your family’s looking for you.”
She ignored him. “For a while there, I chose to believe your kindness was because you felt guilty.” She paused a beat before continuing. “Maybe you blamed yourself for what happened to David and believed it was your job to step in and take care of me. Not check in on or talk to me, mind you. Just protect me. But then I find out from his parents you visited them a couple months after David passed and have kept in touch with them.”
He flinched as if she’d struck him but didn’t deny her words, validating she was on the right track.
“You don’t do that with me.” She hated how her voice cracked at the confession, but now she’d started, she couldn’t hold it back. “So that got me thinking. If you felt responsible for David’s death, why would you treat his parents any different than how you treat his wife? If anything, wouldn’t you be more present in my life?” She rested her palm on her chest. “Unless there was something different about your feelings for me than them. Maybe when you think of me, it’s not just guilt you’re feeling.”
His eyes bored into her. The stare so intense she averted her focus to the cement tombs. The truth was painful, and seeing it on his face would only make the sting of the words even harder. “At the center of all this mess is one person. Me.” She gripped the hard edges of the tombs. “If I hadn’t accepted Sayeed as a client or had handled the situation better, none of this would have happened. David would still be alive.” Her face heated. “Farah would not have become a widow, and she and her baby wouldn’t have been kidnapped. You wouldn’t have lost your job. That one decision on my part changed the course of all our lives. For the worse.”
The gravel crumbled under Eddie’s sneakers as he approached. He planted a hand on top of each of hers. “What happened was not your fault.”
“You don’t have to say that.” She slipped her palms away and wrapped them around her waist. “There are things I could have done differently, and looking back, I wish I had. I’m stubborn, hard-headed, and cold.” She smiled. “It’s why you call me Ice.”
A muscle in Eddie’s jaw flexed as he ground his teeth.
“Stop grinding your teeth. It’s okay. I’ve spent the past seven years thinking about the what-ifs. What if my choices had been different? They’d all be alive: David, Umber, Nasif, Amir, Alyah.” The heat of regret rose from her gut up her chest. “The impact my choices had on the boys’ lives. Jayden wouldn’t be an orphan.” Her face heated. “The impact it’s had on my family…” She glanced over at him. “On you.”
“If Sayeed hadn’t kidnapped you, he, Ayoub, Shariff, and Wassim would all still be alive.” His words were whispered and spoken slowly as if he didn’t think she’d comprehend if he spoke faster. “Thousands more lives would have been destroyed. As far as my sister, I would probably still be thinking she was dead while she was…” His voice faltered. “While they’d have used her however they’d deemed fit.” He stood so close his breath hit her face as he spoke. “And the boys? Their lives are changed for the better. Even Om’s. Because. Of. You.”
He missed the point. This wasn’t about trying to help her feel better about the situation. This was about Eddie and giving him what he needed. Freedom.
“David used to tell me I kept a mental checklist of things I felt I needed to do in order to consider myself okay. He was right. I do. It’s why I’m trying so hard to fix things for all the people who’ve been hurt because of my choices. I’m wondering if you do the same, but your checklist is responsibilities you think you have to fulfill in order to feel okay.”
He tilted his head, mouthing her words. Eddie finally flashed her look of confusion. “Let me make sure I’m understanding this right. Your diagnosis.” He made air quotes with his fingers. “Is that I have a checklist. All my actions, from risking my ass to find Sayeed, helping your son get his donor, reaching out to my dead friend’s parents… All of it is because of you. Either because I feel guilty or resent you?”
As she heard him reframe her words, she realized she wasn’t making sense. Her emotions were getting the best of her. “Let me try this again. I’m grateful for all you have done for me.” Emotion stuck in her throat. “For saving my life multiple times. For sending Kyle to me today. For finding Jayden’s donor. For—”
“You have me all figured out.” He cut her off and leaned in closer. “The inside of my head is a giant wall of ‘all about Ice’ yellow sticky notes. No wait, that’s wrong, they’re colored stickies. Blue for my ‘I feel guilty because Ice’s husband is dead so I must do’ list.” He tapped a finger against either side of his head. “And red for my ‘I hate Ice so I must do’ list.”
His words stung, deepening the burn in her face. “I didn’t explain things right. It wasn’t my intent to hurt you.”
“No,” he snapped. “You’re just helping me understand the mysteries of my head. Speaking of which, I am curious, when I kissed you, what list was that on? Was it the ‘I feel guilty because her husband’s dead’ or the ‘I hate her for fucking up my life’ list?”
“This was a bad idea.” She pushed off the tomb and took a step back.
“I disagree. You’ve thought it all through. My decisions revolve around you, so don’t stop now. Answer the question. Why did I fucking kiss you?”
Anger coursed through her. “So you could steal my passport and visa.”
“Deception.” An angry grin flashed across his face. “That one should get a whole other color sticky note. How about the second kiss we shared?” He shook his hand. “No, wait you kissed me that time. And the reason I kissed you back goes under pity, right? A pity kiss for a widow.”
“Stop,” she hissed.
His hand slapped the tomb, his eyes shut, and his shirt rose when he filled his chest with a long deep breath. “Do you think there possibly might be another reason or feeling for why I try to stay away from you?”
“Hate, disgust, I don’t know,” she snapped. “I am just trying to accept a behavior I can’t seem to understand. And to be honest, your words, your actions, they hurt.” She hated the pain she heard in her confession and turned her back to him, staring at the exit.
Language held so much power. By mixing a few words together, the person speaking had the ability to empower or destroy the receiver of the message. She’d hurt him with her words, and he’d retaliated with his. How this conversation ended was just as much her choice as it was his.
She placed a hand on the cool stone of the door. “But that doesn’t make it okay for me to hurt you. I’m sorry. I know I’m not the center of all your decisions, your world. I’ve never believed that, and this wasn’t how our last talk was supposed to go. No matter your reasons, just understand I’m okay and I’m grateful for everything. I won’t leave you any more messages or ask about you. Good luck, Eddie, with whatever you do. I really mean it. I want you to be happy.”
“Di, where are you?” Rey’s voice floated in from somewhere outside the building and had Ally moving toward the exit. She pushed at the door and was about to make her way out when Eddie grabbed her arm.
“Alisha.”
It wasn’t the name he used that made her look over her shoulder. It was the emotion she heard in his voice. He stood behind her, staring down at her. It didn’t matter that he had released her arm, the intensity of his gaze kept her rooted to the spot. “You’re right. I am different with you. But it’s not because of guilt or resentment or hate.” His voice cracked.
Her chest tightened. “Why then?”
The breath he let out warmed her cheek, making her li
ps part. His focus dropped to her mouth. Emotions flashed across his face, emotions he finally allowed her to see: want, hunger, need. The intensity of them stunned her. “Because you deserve better.”
“Eddie,” Ally started only to be silenced by her sister’s calls.
“Di!” The hysterical edge of fear to Rey’s tone pulled her focus away from Eddie to the door partly cracked open and at her sister who currently roamed the grounds. “So help me, if you don’t come out from wherever the hell you are and let me know you’re okay, I’m calling the police.”
“Go.” Eddie shoved her forward and stepped back, shrouding himself in the shadows of the room.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
CANNON BEACH
Ally maneuvered the oversized SUV toward the large two-story home along Cannon Beach. Pine trees lined either side of the path. To the right of her on the private stretch of forest, the green rooftop of a building poked out. She made a mental note to check it out once they’d settled in to the property.
Her mother-in-law sat beside her on the passenger seat, reading a novel on her e-reader. She’d kept her company while the occupants in the back slept. Her father-in-law sat directly behind her, his head resting on the door, snoring to his own special tune. Jayden slept beside his grandfather with his head on the older man’s shoulder, and the two dogs did the same in the third row of the vehicle.
Thankfully, the four spent the entire four-hour trip sleeping, allowing her to savor the silence. The soft tunes of a local radio station played on low inside the cabin, and Ally hummed along to the music. She wasn’t typically a hummer, but excitement flowed through her the closer their destination became; in this case, it would be any minute.
Today was a monumental occasion for her family. Jayden had made it a full year post stem cell transplant. Although still considered immunocompromised, his immune system was stronger now than before, and his energy level increased by the day. Which was why she agreed to his first-ever vacation. The little guy had been so excited about the prospect of a vacation that he got up at four in the morning. She had to get him to curb his enthusiasm and stay quiet while the rest slept a few hours longer. Not that she blamed him. For the next week, they would be in a private cabin surrounded by forty-plus acres of forest on a private beach. He would be able to explore, hike, and run to his heart’s desire without fear of germs and illnesses.
