by Kishan Paul
“As far as me. I’m damn good at my job. I don’t take risks I shouldn’t.”
When he tried to wipe the stone away, she caught his wrist. “Can you promise me you won’t get shot at? That people won’t try to kill you?”
He stared at the drawing. Never in his life had he wished for anything as much as he wished he could offer her such a promise. He pulled his hand away, leaving the tombstones intact. “No.”
“While you and Razaa and the boys are off doing what you do, I’m left behind with this vivid imagination. But it’s their lives and their choice. A choice I’d never take from them.”
“So, in order for you and me to happen, I would need to walk away from the team?”
“No.” She wiped her drawing away. “That’s not an option. Those boys need you more than you need them, more than I…”
She cleaned her hands of the dust. “I’d never make you do that. You’d hate me. I’d hate me. I already hate me for being so selfish.” The morning sun reflected in her eyes. “You’ve shown up every time I needed you. You’ve saved my life more times than I can count. You’ve never given up on me, no matter how hard I made it for you, and here I am, giving up on you, on the possibility of us. I wouldn’t blame you if you did, but I hope you don’t hate me.”
He didn’t bother explaining hate was not the emotion he experienced at the moment nor would it ever be one she’d stir in him. Confessions of his love and promises he’d always be there stuck in his throat, refusing to be spoken for fear she’d shut them down.
He couldn’t tell her that at night when his eyes closed, and in the morning right before they opened, her face was the only one he saw, no matter where in the world he was. That somehow, she’d rooted herself so deep inside him that he couldn’t yank her out without destroying himself.
But he couldn’t promise her anything more than his love, and sitting there watching her pain, understanding he played a role in causing it, all he could think of was how to make her stop hurting. The realization grabbed hold of his throat and squeezed. “You’re right. Being with me is a risk. Any decision we make is a risk, to love, to live, to not. I’d never force you to make that decision, to take that risk, but I will say this much. I’ve never wanted something more than I’ve wanted you. And if there’s a way to make this work, I will figure it out.”
She lowered her head, resting her forehead on her knees, making it clear she didn’t think it a possibility. Eddie rose to his feet, his back to the ocean; he stared at the forest and then down at her. “As far as hating you, you don’t need to worry about that. It’s not possible.” He reached to touch her but thought better of it. Instead, he retreated into the trees.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
THE SUN
Ally stayed on the beach for a while before returning to the house. When she approached the building, she paused. Dad sat on one of the deck chairs watching her arrival. She forced a smile and climbed the steps.
He pulled out a chair beside his. “Come have a seat.”
She shook her head, knowing she wasn’t in the mental state for a chat. “My allergies are acting up. I really need to go in.”
“Spend a few minutes with your father-in-law first.”
The term made her pause. Something passed across his face. Something that made it clear she needed to do as he requested. She nodded and slid into the seat he patted.
“Too bad about those allergies, it’s a nice day.”
“It is.”
Dad stretched his legs out on the chair across from him and leaned back in his seat. “I could see myself living out the rest of my life in a place like this. Razaa did an excellent job finding this rental and putting all of this together.”
Behind her in the kitchen, Mom and the boys laughed about something. There was so much about Razaa the family didn’t know. Instead of trying to figure out what she could and couldn’t say, she found it easier to let her son correct or add to their knowledge about him and his life.
“You know that spot?”
Ally followed the direction Dad pointed, to the left corner of the deck directly behind him.
“You get the best views from there.”
She assessed the scene taking in the way the beach, ocean, and skyline melded perfectly.
“After your folks get here, we should take family pictures standing there.”
She grinned at his suggestion. The poor man was trying to get control over the chaos that was about to overtake the beach and was hoping she’d help. “You tell me when and I’ll have your back.”
“Excellent.” He pulled out his cell and scrolled through it while he talked. “Here, let me show you the things I’ve seen from here.”
What she wanted was to go to her room and process the conversation she had with Eddie and all the feelings that came with it. Instead, she swiped through picture after picture of water, seagulls, trees, beach, until she came to the frame of her and Eddie.
Dad leaned in, positioning his face over her shoulder. “Gotta love technology. It’s so clear. Like I stood right there. There’s one more.”
Her gut twisted as he swiped to the next image. Again, it was of her. She sat on the sand while Eddie stood over her. The heat of sadness and shame warmed her stomach and began its assent up her chest as she fixed her attention on the pain etched in Eddie’s face. When the emotion reached her eyes, threatening to escape, she handed the phone back to Dad.
“Did he hurt you?”
The question and the protectiveness in his tone made her laugh. “No,” she confessed. “I hurt him.” The words seemed strange to utter. It was hard to imagine anything hurting him. He always presented as hard, tough, and was so good at hiding his real emotions. But a little while ago, he hadn’t hidden himself, although she wished he had.
Dad’s gaze didn’t leave her. “From the looks of it, you hurt both of you.”
So many things about this conversation made her uncomfortable. Her sadness was raw. She needed time to regroup before she could shove it away. The man who forced the topic was also her late husband’s father. She focused on the blue skies instead of Dad, keenly aware he watched her.
“You sure it was the right thing to do?”
“It was the right decision for all of us.”
Eyes, deep green rimmed with blue, bored down on her. “All of us? Really? Do you want to talk about it?”
No. An answer she knew he wouldn’t argue with but would hurt him to hear. The idea of pushing another person away didn’t sit well with her. Instead, she opted for something softer. “We discussed roads.”
His forehead wrinkled. He sat back and crossed his arms, as if in deep thought. “Some of those potholes can make all of us cry. But we’re not talking about potholes or bad drivers, are we?”
She met Dad’s gaze. “If I said we talked about potholes and bad drivers…”
“I’ll call bullshit and have Mom come out here.” His brows rose, challenging her.
The look on his face was one she knew well. One she used to get a lot from another man a lifetime ago. “I see where your son inherited his stubbornness.”
Dad’s features relaxed. “Don’t change the subject.”
Ally got comfortable in her chair and considered how to share without sharing. “I told him how we set out on a journey, expecting it to go one way, only to realize once we’re on it that the path is no longer an option. And after a while of that happening, we become more careful about the paths we take.”
He didn’t respond at first, just stared out at the ocean. “Or you become too scared to move and stop taking trips.”
She stiffened at his response.
Dad rested his hand on her shoulder and gave her a squeeze. “A little advice from a man who never planned to bury his son?”
Ally rested her head on his shoulder.
“None of our journeys turn out the way we plan. And there’s always going to be some sort of grief or hurt. It’s not something we have control over. What we do have a choice in is if
we are going to hide inside a closet, dreading the next event, or say to hell with it and get outside and soak in the sun. In order to enjoy this life we’re given, we need to accept pain as payment for the joy and just deal with it, whenever it happens.”
She gazed down the stretch of beach, which seemed to go on forever.
“Mom and I opted for enjoying the journey. That’s what led us to Jaybird. And to you and Razaa.”
Understanding dawned on her. Instead of protecting their hearts from further loss, they offered it up to a child, knowing he might die. Dad squeezed her tight. “You deserve to soak in the sun, Alisha.”
Ally draped a blanket over her, got comfortable on the sofa, and savored the fruity sweetness of Lee’s latest creation. The orchard once known for fresh apples and pears now was gaining a reputation for its perry-making. Her industrial friend and in-laws managed to school themselves in the art of creating alcohol from fermented fruit. The end result was various delicious concoctions of varieties of pears, apples, and exotic fruits. At the recent Vashon Strawberry Festival, the genius team introduced their newest creation, a strawberry-infused perry. The drink was such a hit, it made the newspaper. Sales of all their varieties had tripled ever since. Ally sipped her share, enjoying the drink and the company.
The Philadelphia family arrived hours ago, and the house overflowed with warm bodies and laughter. Even the dogs were happy. As promised, Razaa took all the humans and canines to the beach to explore and exert some of their excess energy. After which, Dad managed to get them to comply with an impromptu photo shoot on the deck. And now, post-dinner, the kids hung out in the basement watching a movie.
She gazed across the large family room. Both sets of parents, her siblings, their spouses, minus Rey who was putting her toddler down for the night, were all seated around her, and yet she felt alone. As happy as she was to have them together, her heart hurt. A smile plastered on her face, she tried to shove those hurts as far as she could, hoping to survive the week without anyone noticing, and prayed Dad would keep what he’d seen to himself.
Rey entered the room, baby monitor in hand. “Davina is out for the night.”
After pouring herself a glass of sparkling perry, she positioned herself and the monitor on the couch beside her. Her sister raised her glass. “To alcohol, overbearing families, the terrible twos, and my lost sanity.”
The rest of them raised their drinks as well, murmuring their own life complaints and their profound appreciation for the libation. Ally stared out the screen to the deck. The glass door had been left open, allowing the outside air to cool the room full of warm bodies. The ocean sounds were a soothing white noise to the voices around her.
Her mind floated to Eddie, alone in the small house in the woods, wondering how he was doing. She took a sip. They both had wounds they needed to nurse.
Her decisions didn’t just impact her, there was a child she needed to consider. Jayden had suffered enough losses in his life. Not only did he need stability, he hungered for a father. This trip made things crystal clear to her. On the beach surrounded by his family, he stuck to his two grandfathers, uncles, and brother. Those were the ones whose attention he sought, and it was something she wanted for him not just on family vacations. A father. A man who’d be around to help him grow. A man Eddie couldn’t be.
Rey waved her palm in front of her face, making Ally lean her head back and force her attention to the people in the room, most of whom gazed back at her. “Sorry, I was—”
“Not listening,” Rey interjected.
“Thinking about Jayden.” Ally ignored her sister and finished her response.
“Jay’s doing great. His levels are normal. He’s gaining weight.” Bhai used his I’m a doctor and know these things voice.
“And he’s in good hands,” Sonya, Bhai’s wife added. “Anyone want more?” She rose from her spot and grabbed Ally’s empty glass.
“Me.” Mom wiped down the last few sips of her drink and handed her empty vessel to Sonya. “Alisha has spent so much of her time worrying about him. I’m not sure she knows how to stop.”
“She needs to develop new interests,” Rey replied.
Understanding exactly where the conversation was about to go, Ally shook her head and gave Rey a shut-up look.
“Like men.” Rey returned Ally’s glare with a glare of her own.
Mummy slid her glass to the end table beside her. “And speaking of which, what happened with that boy who visited Jay in the hospital after his procedure? He seemed very nice and very interested in you.”
Ally smirked at how Mummy had just referred to her forty-something successful attorney as a boy.
“Good question. I really liked him.” Pappa’s five-star review of a man he knew very little about made her pause. She scanned the others in the room. Some stared back at her, others at each other, and a few fixed their attention to the floor or their drinks. Their body language had all the indications of an intervention. An intervention where she was the central target.
She accepted her new glass and considered how to respond. “Before we begin the topic of my dating life, if any of you would like to escape, now is a good time.”
“I’m out,” Parker, Rey’s husband, shot out of his seat. “Sorry, folks, but Philly’s three hours ahead, and I need my beauty sleep.” He gave Rey a kiss on the top of her head, mouthed “good luck” to Ally, and headed toward the stairs.
The encouragement was enough to get her guard up. This was not a casual, spontaneous intervention they were about to have. She turned her focus on the three who typically ran from topics like this. “Dad, Pappa, Bhai?”
Pappa leaned back on his recliner until the footrest was as high as it could go and stretched out. “Why are you just calling out the men?”
Dad chuckled and reclined his chair as well. “Sounds a lot like sexual discrimination, doesn’t it?”
Ally took a sip, ignoring their claims. “My lawyer and his girlfriend are doing well.”
“Why are you not his girlfriend?”
She disregarded her mother’s question and began a more pressing conversation. “Speaking of which, let’s discuss boundaries.”
“Why create rules none of us are going to follow?” Rey shook her head. “Let’s discuss why your hot single lawyer is dating another woman when he clearly would rather be with you.”
“Rey.”
She raised her drink in Ally’s direction. “That voice only works on your kids not your sister.”
Ally let out a breath. “This is not an okay conversation.”
“Show of hands if you think Di’s love life is okay conversation.”
Most of the hands shot up.
Mom shrugged. “Inquiring minds have wanted to know for a long time.”
“We went on two dates.” Ally tucked her feet under her and leaned back on the headrest of the couch. “It didn’t work out.”
“No kidding.” Rey’s voice dripped with sarcasm. “Who here believes it was the boy who decided that it wasn’t working out?”
She cringed at her sister’s assessment and at the fact that no hands raised. Technically, it had been a joint decision. Granted the decision was based on the fact that he’d spent a good majority of both dates carrying the conversation while she politely listened and fought the urge to check the time. At the end of the second date, they knew she wasn’t ready. “How long have you been conspiring about my love life?”
“A while.” Rey’s retort had Ally rolling her eyes. “Lack of love life, actually.”
“We have a group text running.” Pappa grinned.
Dad patted Pappa’s shoulder. “We tried the video conferencing, but it was too complicated.”
She laughed in spite of herself. “Do you know how unhealthy all of this is?”
“For the record, I don’t approve of nor do I participate in those texts.” Bhai leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m just here to make sure you don’t feel outnumbered. Say the word and I’
ll shut it down.”
“Stop playing saint, Bhai. She doesn’t need your protection,” Rey snapped. “As for you, Di, stop changing the subject.”
The look on Rey’s face, her mother’s nods in agreement, they were unified on their mission and wouldn’t leave her alone until she gave them a bone to chew on. She opted for a bone that would stir pity for her and possibly close the topic for good. “I wasn’t the right fit for him. So, he found a woman who was.”
Her mother shifted uncomfortably in her seat, a sour look on her face. “Never mind him. If he couldn’t see what a treasure you are, then he doesn’t deserve you.”
Ally took a sip to hide her amusement over Mummy’s anger and over the way Rey mouthed liar to her as their mother continued her quest to find her a man. “Do you remember Mitil Uncle, your Pappa’s college friend?”
“I do.”
“I ran into him the other week. His son is divorced now and has a good job working for the federal government.”
“Sahil?” Bhai was laughing before Mummy finished sharing the resume. “The man cheated on both his wife and his mistress.”
“That’s not what his father told me.”
Bhai rolled his eyes. “I don’t care what his father told you, he is not an option.”
“What about the sheriff?” Mom asked.
“What sheriff?” Reya leaned forward, her attention completely fixed on Ally’s mother-in-law.
“Justin Pearson. He’s handsome. Muscular. Looks very nice in his uniform.”
Ally’s jaw dropped at the description coming out of her mouth. “Mom?”
Her cheeks turned an adorable shade of red. “What? I have eyes. The same pair of eyes to see that he’s been spending a lot more time at the orchard lately.”
“Mom’s not the person he’s visiting,” Razaa announced. “It’s Leanna he’s interested in.”
Ally glanced over her shoulder at Razaa. He stood behind the counter, pouring himself a drink. Empty glass in hand, she rose from her spot on the couch and made her way to the counter to get another as well.
