I sit on a park bench and pull out my cell phone. It’s been buzzing against my hip for a while, and I—again in a state of rebellion—have ignored it. My skin tingles as I see another text from Master Roman. He’s sent several every day since I left. Not specifically pressuring me. Just reminding me that he loves me. Which I know.
I hope you’re having a nice day, blossom. The weather is perfect. I love you.
I shudder and glance around as I realize he can pinpoint my location with this phone. He undoubtedly can see that I’m on campus. Maybe I should have left it in the apartment so he wouldn’t know where I was. But even I know that would be stupid. No one should be out wandering around without a phone. What if I fell or someone tried to kidnap me?
Irrational thoughts, I know. Those are the kinds of things Master Roman would say every time I left the house to attend class. He worried incessantly about my safety, reminding me often to keep my phone in my hand when walking, to stay on well-traveled paths, to ensure I was never alone, to keep my bookbag strapped across my chest, to keep an eye on my surroundings. The list goes on. Daddy worries.
I roll my eyes when my phone starts buzzing, indicating an incoming call. A glance down shows the caller is Claudia, though. Not Master Roman. As I sit up straighter, glad for the distraction, I answer. “Hey, Claudia.”
“Hi, honey. How are you?”
“I’m good.” I pull my cardigan around my front as if I’m chilled.
“I’m worried about you. Do you want to meet for lunch? Maybe we can talk.”
“Did Master Roman ask you to call me?”
“No. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t spoken to him. He’s a nervous wreck worrying about you.”
Good. I sigh. “I can’t really meet you for lunch because I’m not dressed for it, but you can come to the apartment if you want. I could use the company.” And the advice.
“Okay. I’ll meet you there in half an hour. I’ll stop at the deli and grab us some sandwiches.”
“That sounds great. Thank you.”
“See you in a few.” Claudia ends the call and I stare at the phone. I wonder if she’s spoken to Master Roman as recently as this morning. I believe her that he didn’t specifically tell her to check up on me. She has no reason to lie. Besides, she’s my friend too, and I’m surprised she’s left me alone for the three days since dropping me off at the apartment.
I take a deep breath and push to standing to head back to the apartment. It still doesn’t feel like it’s mine. It’s like I’m staying in a hotel that has strange boxes of my childhood in the closet.
As I walk, I think about the few mementos I have from my childhood. Not many. Nothing that brings back fond memories. I suppose my mom loved me in her own way, but she loved my father more, or at least she cared more about pleasing him than seeing to my needs.
I wonder for the thousandth time if my father truly had another child. A son from before he married my mom. Daven. Where is he? Maybe I should look for him again. I’m feeling vulnerable and in need of some sort of connection to the world. If I have a blood relative... Would that even change anything? Not really. It wouldn’t change the fact that I had a shitty, neglected childhood.
I don’t even have a childhood doll or toys. That’s how I ended up in this situation in the first place. I craved reliving the years when I didn’t have what other little girls had. Do I still need this though? I wish the answer was simple. It’s not.
It takes me ten minutes to reach my apartment, and I’m still standing in it staring out the window twenty minutes later when Claudia arrives. Her knock at the door jerks me out of my pity party.
When I open it, I find myself relieved. I have had no direct human contact for three days. That’s unusual for me these days. Before I came to live with Master Roman, I often spent entire weekends alone between leaving work on Friday afternoon and returning on Monday morning. But Master Roman never leaves me alone that long.
“Hey, honey,” Claudia says as she steps inside, a brown bag in one hand, a drink holder in the other. She moves past me toward the kitchen table and sets everything down. This main room of the apartment is one big space with a kitchen and living room and dining area.
I cross my arms and shiver as I realize Claudia has been here before. She probably helped set it up and furnish it. I’m the outsider in the hideaway my Master arranged for me. Hell, for months when we first met, I didn’t even know this apartment existed.
I watch her as she takes food out of the paper bag. She’s dressed casually today. White capri pants. A sleeveless, silk, fuchsia blouse. Matching pink flats. Her blond bob is longer than it was when we first met. It comes down past her shoulders now. I like it longer.
“Come. Sit down. I got meatball subs. Let’s eat them while they’re hot.”
I smile at her as I meet her at the table. The food she’s pulling out smells so good. I haven’t had a decent meal in two days. I haven’t been hungry often either. Now, my stomach is rumbling.
As I take a seat, I notice there are four drinks and stiffen.
Claudia glances at me, catches me staring at the drinks, and reaches out to pat my hand. “Don’t worry. It’s just the two of us. I wasn’t sure what you might want to drink.”
I blow out a breath. It’s ridiculous that I would be nervous about her possibly arranging for Master Roman to be here too. I’m not ready to face him yet. Nothing in my life has changed in five days. I’m not sure it ever will. I’ve never been so confused.
Claudia points at one drink at a time. “Tea. Pepsi. Sprite. Root beer.”
Instinct has me reaching for the Sprite, and then I hesitate and glance up at her. “Root beer doesn’t have caffeine does it?”
“Nope.”
I’m nearly giddy as I make my choice. I don’t know when I’ve had root beer. It’s been a long time. It will be a treat, one that probably wouldn’t give Master Roman a heart attack if he knew about it.
Claudia sits across from me and hands me a sandwich. “Are you cold?” she asks, nodding at my sweater.
I glance down and decide to shrug out of the unnecessary bulk, leaving me in a thin white V-neck T-shirt. It’s a small, so the sleeves are tight around my biceps and the cut hugs my body. I don’t need to look down to know my breasts are obvious, my nipples dark points no one could possibly miss. I stared at this in the bathroom mirror this morning before putting on the sweater. I don’t need to hide from Claudia though. She’s seen worse on me. “I was out walking.”
She keeps her gaze on my face, but her brows are furrowed. “I could take you shopping if there are any clothes you need.”
I shake my head. “No. Thank you. I’m not ready.”
She nods slowly, holding my gaze. “Are you following all of Roman’s rules?”
I shrug, remembering how I touched my nipples two days ago and how I haven’t gotten out of bed at seven or gotten dressed before breakfast or eaten enough food. I’ve napped at weird times, used knives in the kitchen, lingered too long in the bath, left my hair down, worn jeans in the house. The list feels long. “No,” I whisper, “but most of the ones that count.”
She reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “Talk to me, honey.”
A tear runs down my face, and then another. I pull my hand back and swipe at them with my fingers. “Sorry. I don’t mean to cry.”
“Honey, I don’t mind if you cry. I’m sure you need to. Let it out.”
I lower my face and stare at my lap, trying to pull myself together.
Claudia pushes my root beer closer. “Take a drink. Eat. You’ll feel better afterward. Then we can talk.”
I nod as I reach for the cup and bring the straw to my lips. The first sip makes me moan. “God, that’s good.”
Claudia laughs. “It is. In fact, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll have the cola.”
“Go ahead.” No way was I going to drink something with caffeine. I’m bending every rule these days, but I haven’t outright defied Master Roman.
>
I feel better after I down half the root beer and dig into my sandwich. It’s equally delicious, and I devour it in no time.
When I finally wipe my lips on a napkin, I find Claudia smiling at me. She’s only eaten half her sub, and she is wrapping up the other half. “I want you to know that I’m not taking sides here. Even though Roman and I have been friends for many years, that doesn’t mean I’m not your friend too, nor do I agree with everything Roman does.” She lifts a brow.
“Okay.”
“You’ve been living in a very strict environment for a long time. It’s not surprising that you’re feeling restless. I’m surprised you lasted this long, to be honest. People in D/s relationships renegotiate all the time. It’s human nature and nothing to be ashamed about. Just because you agreed to a certain role three years ago doesn’t mean you don’t have every right to change your mind or switch things up a bit. Or even leave.”
I shudder. A new tear falls. “I miss him so much,” I murmur, surprising myself.
“I know you do, honey. You love him.”
I nod. “I really do.”
“And you know he loves you too, right?”
I nod again. “Of course.”
“Then what are you afraid of? Do you think he’ll break things off if you ask for some changes?”
This time I shake my head. “No. That’s not it. It’s more that I don’t know what I want those changes to be.”
She hesitates, leaning back, holding my gaze. “Don’t you, though?”
I wince, not speaking.
She leans forward after a few seconds and puts her elbows on the table. “Honey, I get why the dynamic you two had for so long worked. You were so involved in taking classes that it was easy to keep the status quo. But now you’ve graduated, and you’re wanting to spread your wings. Anyone would be.”
I wring my hands together in my lap. “Master Roman wants me to stay home, work for him.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
“Like I’m going to suffocate.” I’m shocked by my words, and I purse my lips. Would Claudia share this conversation with Master Roman?
She smiles warmly. “Now, we’re getting somewhere. So, you want to take a job out of the home, right?”
“Yes,” I whisper. It’s odd to confirm that out loud.
“And you’re afraid he’s going to tell you no.”
“Yes,” I murmur even softer. That is my greatest fear. If I go to him with my most important concerns, and he ignores my needs or denies my request, I don’t think there will be anything left between us. I pull in a long breath. “He won’t even let me get my hair trimmed. He hasn’t ever permitted me to wear a single article of adult clothing. He wouldn’t even let me keep my graduation clothes on for my party.”
Claudia listens intently.
I shove from the table and pace the small kitchen area. “He can’t stand the idea of me being away from him, as if I would even glance at another man. As if he can’t trust my love for him.” My voice rises. “And God forbid he entertain a discussion about fucking real, grown-up bras.” I clap my hand over my mouth when I realize I’ve cursed, my face flushing, my gaze darting to Claudia.
She laughs. “Honey, I don’t care if you cuss. Geez. Get it out. Roman is never going to hear about this. What we discuss is between you and me. I want to help you. I promise I won’t breathe a word to Roman.”
I nod and release a long breath, lowering my hand. “That felt good.” I giggle, wiping a few tears at the same time. “I wasn’t a huge cusser even before I moved in with Roman, but I haven’t used the word fuck for a long damn time.” I giggle again. Damn too. Perfect.
Claudia’s eyes are dancing. “At least we’re getting somewhere. So, you’d like to get a job. You’d like to wear adult clothing. Anything else?”
I chew on my bottom lip. “Makeup. Hair products. Shoes. A curling iron. A driver’s license. The list is kinda long.”
“But it’s all part of what you’d need to work in an office. I get it. I work in an office myself. No way would I go there dressed less than professionally without my hair and makeup perfect and my power outfit in place. No one would take me seriously if I arrived less than completely put together.”
She’s not kidding. I’ve rarely seen her in any other clothes than what I assume she wears to the office. Today is an exception, and even her comfortable clothes are stylish.
I drop back down in my chair, slouching in a way Master Roman would reprimand. If he were here. “I didn’t mind wearing undergarments of Master Roman’s choice to school. It wasn’t a huge hardship. They were a pleasant reminder most of the time. When I dress like that, it makes me squirm. Sometimes I had trouble focusing in class if I let my mind wander to my white cotton training bra with tiny pink hearts on it or something similar.”
She waits, seeming to know I’m not done.
“I love being his little girl. I still do today, sometimes even more than I did when we first met. It’s not that I want to stop role-playing as his little. I’m no longer as embarrassed as I was at first.” I sit up straighter and tug my T-shirt down, causing my nipples to press against the cotton. “Hell, I don’t even mind that you can clearly see my nipples. That used to drive me crazy.”
“But in a good way,” she points out.
“Yeah.” She was right. Even in the early days, it was heady. It aroused me constantly. Pleasing him makes my pussy wet.
I sigh. “I need both,” I finally admit out loud. “I need to be an adult for eight hours a day. I need to get a job where no one knows me or my lifestyle. I need to feel worthy. I need to make my own money. When the day is over and I come home, I don’t care what Master Roman dictates. I love submitting to him. It’s so relaxing to not have to make any decisions. Pleasing him makes me so horny I can’t think.”
I squirm in my seat at the visual of him looking at me. I can picture his gaze roaming up and down my body like he does every day when I step into his office wearing what he’s chosen. The love in his eyes when I do as I’m told warms me to the core.
Heck, the love is still there even when I’m naughty and he has to punish me. His stern expression is filled with the same emotion. When he spanks my bottom until it’s pink and sore and then stands me in front of him, I sense the same love as when I please him. Sometimes when he presses me into a corner for a timeout, I can feel his erection against my bottom, especially if he makes me stand there with my panties around my ankles and my dress pulled up above my breasts.
I lower my gaze, feeling another flush at my elicit thoughts.
“You love him,” Claudia points out again.
I nod. There is a lump in my throat. “What if he can’t give me this?”
“What if he can?”
I remain silent for a while, my mind wandering. Finally, I lift my gaze. “Do you have any idea how irate he gets at the mention of me wearing a bra? That alone is a deal breaker for him.”
She nods. “I know it has been. Hell, the man has control issues.”
“You think?” I joke.
She chuckles with me. “Honey, he’s going to have to get over himself or lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him. Because the truth, and you know it, is that there’s no going back now. You have new needs. He can either get on board or let you go.”
Tears fall again. I’m choked up as I speak. “I’m not sure I’m willing to take that risk. Why can’t I just be happy with what I have? I have everything a girl could want. Food. Clothing. A home. A man who adores me and would move the earth to make me happy. And certainly better sex than anything I’ve heard girls at school talk about.” I shudder. “Do you have any idea how awful other people’s sex lives are?”
She laughs again. “Yes. That’s one of the best parts about living in the fetish world. Not that everyone in the lifestyle is there for the sex, but a lot of us really get off on being who we are deep down instead of lying to ourselves and living in a vanilla world. How boring.”
> I smile broader. “Yeah.”
“Talk to him, honey. Take the risk. If you don’t, this will eat you up inside until you resent him for holding you back.”
She’s right. Dammit. I shake that word from my mind. I need to stop thinking such vulgar thoughts if I’m going to confront Master Roman. If not, I’m liable to throw an F-bomb in front of him and spend half a day naked in a corner with a burning bottom trying not to fidget.
Chapter 16
Lucy
* * *
I’m restless. So I walk. It’s how I’ve started filling my days. I stroll around campus and sit on park benches. I’m certain Master Roman keeps close tabs on the exact location of my phone, and I haven’t been bold enough to leave it in the apartment. It’s always with me.
He hasn’t texted me since the brief text yesterday. I’m sure Claudia has told him to control himself. I’m equally certain he’s pacing his office every day and not sleeping.
It’s hard for me to avoid focusing on what Master Roman is probably doing while I should be focusing on what I’m going to do. My options. Not that I really have a lot of choices. I’m lost without him. My body aches from missing him. But I need to gather my thoughts and face him with my specific needs.
This time away from him is for the best. I know that. When I’m with him, I’m twelve. It’s too easy to slide into my role as his little and let him control everything. If I simply went home, that’s what would happen. I would cave and agree to just about anything right now.
That’s not what I want. At least that’s not all I want. I want both worlds. The one where Master Roman dictates my every move; and the one where I have a separate existence outside of our perfect private world.
It’s midafternoon, and I’ve been wandering around so deep in my thoughts that I’ve paid no attention to where I am. I lift my gaze to orient myself with the campus and find a bench to sit on. I’m so grateful that it’s not only summer but that the weather has been unseasonably fantastic for the past week. It keeps my spirits up and permits me to leave the apartment. If the last five days had been dreary and rainy, I think I would have slid into a depression.
Leaving Roman Page 11
