me. For some reason I didn't want to let it go. When we reached our destination, I hid behind a tree and watched him walk back into the school. When the door slammed shut safely behind him, I turned to headed back to the dorms.
I started to come and see him more often. In fact, I made "surprise visits" so much that my visits became an instinct. I would take him away from the forsaken school when Mrs. Mackle wasn't watching over him like a hawk and take him to the park, to see the town, to eat lunch with me. As time passed by I began to notice that it didn't take a lot for James to crack a smile or a bubbly, giggly laugh. I loved his laugh since it was so beautiful. Everything about James was beautiful. His hair was no longer a dirty ragged brown, but a honey colored almond. His eyes were as green as the sprouts that grew when spring arrived.
As I hung out with him more and more, I began to love the little boy like my own. I think that it was because of my love that brought the truth before my eyes.
One day, as I sat on a bench at the park, watching James laugh angelically and chase around the pigeons and squirrels, something flashed before my eyes. It was my life, my past, my future. I saw myself as a mother one day and there was a little angelic boy laughing beside me. It was James. We lived together in a house, just the two of us. There was nothing to fear since we had each other to hold on to, to tell our secrets, to spill our sadness.
The vision was so perfect, so vivid, so electrifying, that I made one of my biggest decisions that day: James will be my son.
I didn't tell him that I would be adopting him soon since I wanted to keep it a secret. I would sign all of the papers for adoption and then pick him up. Imagine the surprise when I tell him that I would be his mom! I was so excited about my idea that I called Kattalee later that night.
"Oh, Kattalee, I have the best news!" I exclaimed into the phone.
"What is it?" she questioned.
"Remember when you asked me if James was my son?" I said and was practically jumping up and down.
"Yes, I do."
"Well, he's about to be," I said, no longer able to
contain it anymore. There was a moment of silence before Kattalee exploded in screams of joy. "Oh my gosh, are you adopting him?" she squealed.
"Yes, yes I am!" I said and squealed along with her. "I can't wait to be a mother soon!"
"You have to make me the godmother," Kattalee demanded. "I want cute little James to be my godson."
"Alright, I will," I promised. Then we laughed and laughed until tears came to our eyes. The future was bright and perfect.
The very next day, early in the morning, before the sun was even up fully into the sky, I went to The School of Homeless Boys and rapped on the metallic door three times. It took several moments for Mrs. Mackle to open the door. She already was already looking grumpy and out of place and when she saw that it was me, she seemed to dive into a deeper mood.
"What is it that you want?" she sniped. "And at this hour, too!"
"May I come in?" I interrupted. "I want to speak with you of an important manner."
She glared at me and I took that as an invitation to go in. I pushed past her and walked into the grand hall of the school. It was dimly lit by a few lamps along the walls. Several large oil paintings of angels hung on the walls, illuminated by the lamps. The carpet beneath my feet was blood red under the flickering light. I shivered
because the room gave off an eerie feeling. Mrs. Mackle closed the door quietly behind her and asked in a frustrated voice, "Well, now you're inside. What is it that you want to say that's so important that you disturbed my sleep?"
"I wanted to asked you something about James," I said. She crossed her arms.
"And what about him?"
"May I adopt him?" I blurted out. I clutched my little purse close to my chest and awaited her answer. I could feel myself hold a deep breath.
Mrs. Mackled looked me up and down. She seemed to be deep in thought. She said slowly and calculatingly, "Adopt James? Well, I guess that can be arranged. But adoption cost quite a bit of money. I assume that you have that amount?"
"What is the amount?" I asked. "I'll pay anything."
"Anything, huh?" she repeated. I thought I saw an evil look in her eyes and knew that nothing good was about to come. "It'll be thirty thousand dollars."
I almost jumped out of my shoes. I wasn't expecting so high of an amount. "Thirty thousand?!" I repeated, aghast. "But... that's so much! I haven't got that much. Can we lower it by half?"
Mrs. Mackled chuckled. "I'm afraid not, dear. That would be the final amount." There was venom in the way she said 'dear'.
"Please," I begged. "Can't I pay any other
way?"
She shook her head.
"No," she said and began pushing me out of the house. "Now, if you would excuse me, you are disturbing the entire school. I bid you good-bye." And, with that, she shoved me outside and shut the door.
I couldn't believe it! That woman made me want to throw up. The way she talked was intoxicating. Even so, thirty thousand was exceeding the limits.
I stared blankly at the school for a couple of moments before I took a deep breath and said into the dawn, "I'm not giving up, James. Wait for me. Mommy is coming to save you."
I came back again and again to Mrs. Mackle, asking her for adoption. Each time she denied me and sent me away. It was like a merry game to her, seeing my despair and agony.
But I never gave up. I wanted so badly for James to be my son. My days were spent trying to earn enough money to adopt him. I began to slack off at school, but I didn't really care. The more money I earn, I tell myself, the closer I get to my dream. But then, on a fateful day, everything spiraled out of control. All of my dreams, wishes, hopes came crashing down like a gigantic destructive wave.
It started out pretty normally. I worked until the day grew dark and walked over to The Home of Homeless Boys. I knocked on the door and
without a missing beat Mrs. Mackle opened it and poked her head out. I prepared to ask the question I asked every day, "May I adopt him, now?", but Mrs. Mackle beat me to it.
"You don't need to come here anymore," she said bluntly. I was taken aback and had no clue what she was saying.
"I'm earning money," I told her. "So, please, can I at least see him?"
Mrs. Mackle shook her head firmly. "No, you may not. He's no longer living here."
At first her words didn't register in my mind. I felt like I was trudging through murky brown water. When I pierced together her meaning, my eyes widened and I stepped back shakily.
"W-What do you mean?" I whispered. Everything around us suddenly went quiet, anticipating the moment. "Where have you taken him?"
Mrs. Mackle said, "To Britain, over the seas, at a school across the world. You will never see him
again. He's gone, for good."
"No," I said, refusing to believe her. I took several steps backwards down the stairs, shaking my head. "No. No. No. Please tell me you're just joking."
She only sighed in annoyance. "Do you have a brick for a head? I’m telling you I'm not joking around. Now leave."
I didn’t need her to say twice because I ran, then. I ran away, as fast as I could. I didn't even
know where I was going. Just as long as my feet carried me to a place that was nowhere near that orphanage. When I finally came to my senses, I had realized that I was standing at the doorstep of my dorm, breathing heavily with tears flowing down my cheeks. The front of my shirt was slightly drenched in it, but I didn’t care.
I couldn't stop the flow of my tears that night. I would stop for a moment, but then the image of James would appear in my mind and I would start bawling all over again.
I think this is where I would end my story. Not much happened after that. I hated feeling so helpless against Mrs. Mackle.
Despite that, I continued working hard even though my sole reason was gone to place I would never reach. I’m
fooling myself to believe that James is still there, somewhere within me, guiding me, reminding me that I am still alive. I don’t want to let his image go since it is the only thing that keeps me going.
That’s right, I can’t give up. Not now. There’s still hope. If I earn enough money, I can buy a plan ticket to Britain and search for James. I’m going to keep working hard and do my best.
It’s not over yet. Not until I really give up.
I’m going to meet James again, soon. Yes, I think that’s what I want to do. I’m going to find him again and, this time, I won’t let go of his hand.
I’m going to call my mother soon, when I’m ready, and I’ll explain everything to her. I’ll tell
her that she’s about to become a grandmother.
I believe tomorrow will be my new future.
It’s looking bright.
Lots of love,
Emily Helsing
There was a cloud of mist around Amber's eyes as she finished reading the story.
Emily never did find James again. She was in a car accident and never woke up from her coma.
Something shattered into a billion pieces in Amber's heart. She couldn't even begin to imagine the pain that her daughter had gone through, alone. Emily had been holding on to a blind hope -and she knew so herself- but she did that all for James. Amber clutched the letter tightly in her hands and held them close to her heart and took her shaky breath.
For the
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