“That’s because you’re a monster too,” I said.
She seemed to fade a little more at that.
The knife in my hand, I stared at the blade, not gleaming, not in the darkness, but dull.
If you do that, I’ll tell Mum. I’ll race upstairs and tell her.
I shrugged. “She can’t see you.”
You know that she can.
“She’ll never admit it. Besides,” I lifted my head to stare at her again, “I thought you’d be glad. I’ll be dead like you soon.”
She shook her head – a fractured gesture. I want you to live, for both of us.
I think I actually snarled as I lifted my left arm, palm side up.
I’ll tell Mum! Her voice was a screech that rattled inside my head.
“Tell her,” I said, “and tell her this if she’s listening, she’s a monster too, and I will never forgive her for denying what I am, when she’s the one I must have inherited it from. And there’s something else – I blame you just as much. Both of you have driven me to this.”
Were those sobbing sounds she was making? My dead twin reduced to tears? If she expected sympathy, she’d be disappointed. I had nothing more to give.
Ness, I love you. I’ve always loved you.
The knife biting into my flesh, I felt no pain, it was as though I’d gone completely numb. Leaning forward slightly, my face close to hers, I whispered more words – her sobs becoming wails on hearing them, on seeing the knife turn crimson.
Thirteen Chapter Twenty-Four
As I finished my story, I raised my head to find several pairs of eyes staring back at me. I’d never talked about what had happened to me at thirteen. For twelve years, I’d kept the shame of it locked inside, burning, always burning. Obviously, I hadn’t bled out. My mother had found me, my father dialled for an ambulance, doing their duty, as parents should. I’d never talked about the aftermath either – the psychiatric care I’d received – enforced care – the lies I’d had to tell in order to escape its clutches: ‘No, I can’t see spirits. Yes, I made it all up.’ Was it to seek attention, they’d asked? After all, I came from a big family, trying to get noticed must be hard at times. I’d nodded at that, ‘Yes, it was all to seek attention.’
Such answers kept the doctors satisfied.
“Miss?” It was Craig with his typical schoolboy address. “What happened to your twin? Have you seen her since?”
It was my twin who’d captured his imagination, not the way my family had treated me, or my suicide attempt. Somehow there was comfort in that.
“Miss?”
“No,” I replied, “I haven’t seen her.”
Another voice piped up: Isabel’s. “What happens now?”
Now? Angus’s gaze was questioning too.
“Erm…”
“Miss.” Not Craig, it was Lainey, her eyes had returned to normal, but something in her voice unnerved me still. “You haven’t turned on your torch.”
“My torch?” I looked down at what lay in my hands, at the slim metal casing – the torch! How had I forgotten it? It was the whole point of the game!
“And your story,” Lainey continued with a sneer, “it wasn’t exactly uplifting, was it?”
“Just switch on the torch, Ness,” Angus instructed.
I did my utmost to obey, but my hands had started to shake.
“It’s cold in here, Miss, really cold,” Craig said.
“I know, I know,” I said. Where was the bloody switch?
“Ness, give it to me.” Still Angus sounded calm
“Haven’t you noticed how cold it is?” I whispered to him. “Surely you’ve noticed?”
“Give me the torch.”
“No, it has to be me who switches it on, it has to be.”
There! My fingers had found the switch. I pressed down. Nothing happened. I pressed again. Still it refused to comply. I jabbed and jabbed, but no matter how hard I tried, there was no thirteenth light. Damn it, it had to come on. It had to! I willed it to come on.
“MISS!”
It was Craig, screaming as all the lights went out, just as they’d done on my thirteenth birthday, all the torches and all the candles, plunging us into darkness so intensely that for a moment I doubted my own existence within it. What you can’t see… But I did exist, as did the thing that resided in such darkness – it was here in this room, still intent on playing.
The scrape of boots on the floor indicated that people were scattering.
“Don’t break the circle!” I shouted, but it was in vain. With no protection, and no light, the darkness was winning. Amy’s cries confirmed that.
“The spider! It’s back. It’s on me, I can feel it.” So fast she’d descended into panic, providing fuel for the fire. “There’s more than one, there’s loads of them. They’re huge!”
I shouted for Angus. “Will you see to her?”
“Aye, leave it to me. Amy, where are you? Where the hell are you?”
It wasn’t a large room, so he should have no problem in finding her, she should be at arm’s length. Except she wasn’t. No one was. The room had become vast, a cavern, one that was filled with more cries and more screams. “Miss! Miss! Where are you?”
“Craig, I’m here. Make your way to the door!”
“I don’t know where the door is!”
“It’s… It’s…” He was right, where was it? I spun round and round, completely disorientated.
“Stop shining that light in my eyes!” It was Isabel, scolding Denny.
“Isabel,” I shouted, “Denny’s not doing anything. There is no light, remember?”
“He is, he’s blinding me,” she continued, and then her voice faltered, became more wary. “But… it’s a strange kind of light, it’s… it’s… dirty.”
“Isabel, where are you?” I shouted.
“I’m here. Where are you? I can’t see anything, because of Denny, because of this… horrible, horrible light. DENNY, WILL YOU STOP IT!”
She began to cry, and at that moment Denny screamed too. “That man, the one laughing at me, he’s coming over. Look! He’s as clear as anything. He’s going to get me!”
“There’s no man, Denny,” I answered. “Shut your eyes if that helps, but he’s honestly not there. Angus, Angus, where are you?”
Gradually, I became aware of other voices, those belonging to the terrified parents gathered at the door to Caitir’s room, a door that was so far away, in another time, another realm almost. I hadn’t called for backup, or yelled out ‘help’, but we needed them and the light that they could bring more than ever. We needed to up our game, not panic further.
“Ben, Mrs Ludmore,” I responded, striding across the room to where I thought the door might be. I took so many strides, an impossible amount given the room’s size. I tried shouting too, wondering if my voice might sound as far away as theirs, if they’d be able to hear me at all. “All of you, force the door open if you can. We can’t seem to find it and all the lights have gone out. We need you in here. We need you now!”
“You’re not going anywhere.” It was Lainey. In the darkness she’d found me, her voice with that strange slithering quality, her eyes the only thing visible… and yellow.
“You don’t frighten me,” I said, straightening my spine and preparing for battle.
“Filthy bitch,” she continued, as if she hadn’t heard my forced words of bravado. “What a burden you were for your family to carry. Such shame you brought on them.”
I swallowed and the cries around me – all of them – began to fade, even Isabel’s shrill insistence that there were snakes in the room now as well as spiders, as she began to retch with horror. “I’ve confessed to that shame,” I said, “right here in this room, in front of all of you. It’s no secret anymore.”
The thing that was Lainey but wasn’t, that was masquerading as Lainey, pushed its face into mine. “You think that words absolve you?”
I stood my ground “Why shouldn’t they? Words are pow
erful.”
“You feel cleansed?”
In a way I did, of that sin at least. A secret that’s been told loses its power.
It picked up on my thoughts.
“But what about the other words you said?”
“The other words?” Don’t think about it, Ness. Don’t let it trick you.
“The worst words. You haven’t confessed to them yet have you?”
“Get out of my way. I’m going to find the door.”
She laughed – a hateful sound. “There’s no escape from here.”
“There’s always a way out.”
“That’s just it, sometimes there isn’t.”
As I stared at her, Lainey grew more visible, the darkness around her seeming to shrink back. A girl of average height, she was becoming smaller, withered almost… and familiar too. Opening her mouth, she began to speak – her voice so much like mine.
“Why’d you do it? I said I was sorry.”
I tried to retreat, to turn even, but I was rigid, my feet glued to the floorboards. Around me, all sounds had faded entirely. There was just me in the room… me and my twin.
“Y…you’re not her,” I stuttered. “You’re pretending to be.”
“You’re denying what you see?”
“You’re. Not. Her.” It couldn’t be, not this withered, shrivelled thing, this husk.
“After what you said, Ness, a husk is what I became.”
Wildly, I shook my head. “I won’t be fooled.”
“I told you I was scared of the dark, didn’t I? I told you that there were things in it… waiting. Bad things, evil, vampiric. I told you all of that and still you banished me.”
I lifted my hand and rubbed at my eyes. “No… This isn’t… I didn’t…”
“YOU DID! YOU BANISHED ME!”
“I… Because…”
“And all because of something I did when I was a child.”
“You’re not real!”
“I’m your twin, I’m part of you.”
“You’re dead.”
“Because you sucked the life from me, and then you left me in the dark to fend for myself. Mum was right about you all along. You’re the demon that walks amongst us.”
Tears! Damn them for falling, but they were, gushing from my eyes as blood had once gushed from my wrists. What she’d done, my birthday cake, it had been the final straw, but she was right, we were kids, both of us – only thirteen. Ness, I love you. I’ve always loved you. Those were her last words to me. But my last words to her… what had they been?
“I never want to see you again, not even in death.” Lainey – no, my twin – was repeating them pitch perfect. “If you break that rule, if you try and contact me, if you plead, if you cry, even if you beg, I will ignore you. I will never, ever acknowledge you again. That’s what you said, Ness. To me, the one who loved you. The only one who ever loved you!”
And I’d hated her for that too. I’d blamed her for all those that didn’t.
I couldn’t stand it any longer, the weight of all that hate too heavy to bear. As I fell to my knees, the husk became the victor.
“That’s right.” There was another voice in my ear. Again it was familiar. “We’ve won.”
It was Mum, gloating. Whether she was a conjuring or not didn’t matter – she was here, in my head. She was always in my head.
Ness! Ness! My twin’s voice had changed – it wasn’t as scathing as before. Despite that, I didn’t look up, didn’t want to see again what she’d become, because of me.
Ness! Look at me. Please!
“Stay on your knees, girl.” It was Mum again. “It’s where you belong, in the gutter, crawling alongside other vile things. A witch, a mad witch. We should have let you bleed.”
Ness, quick! You have to be quick! Ness, listen to me. Look at me.
How I wanted to curl in a ball, and go quietly mad once more. My head was pounding, my heart beating as frantically as the wings of a caged bird. When was enough enough? Why wouldn’t my heart just stop? Release, Shelley had called it. If I had a knife…
You knew. I aimed the words at my mother but only in thought. You kept saying I was a liar, over and over, and yet you knew. That’s why I didn’t bleed out, why you found me so quickly that night, because she did what she’d said she’d do. She saved me.
My twin.
Ness!
Still she was calling.
Please!
I couldn’t lift my head; all strength had deserted me.
“Ness!”
Go away.
“Ness!”
“Just go away,” I repeated, able to speak out loud this time.
“Go away? Are you joking? I’m not going anywhere. It’s taken me ages to find you in the first place. I thought I never would. Come on, soldier, up you get, on your feet.”
Strong hands lifted me. Was this a trick again, another act of cruelty?
“Angus?” I said. “Is it you?”
“Who else?” he said, and I remembered his cheeky grin, his eyes always so enlivened. What would this do to him, this experience at the lighthouse? How would it taint him?
“Oh, Angus.” How many tears could I cry this night? There was a reservoir inside me whose dam had burst. “I was wrong. I’m so sorry. We’ve lost the game.”
“Lost? I don’t think so.”
Barely registering his denial, I rushed onwards. “I’ve put you in danger, all of you. I was mad to bring you all back here. I am mad. Officially. You know that now.”
“You’re a little quirky at times, I’ll admit. But… I kind of like that in a girl.”
“Angus!” I shouted. “Listen to me!”
It was what my twin had shouted – mere seconds before – and I’d ignored her. Would he do the same?
It seemed not. Grabbing my face between his hands, he brought it closer to his.
“We haven’t lost. I found you, in this… whatever this is. It didn’t want us to find each other, I know it didn’t, but we did anyway, thank Christ! Isn’t that some kind of triumph?”
A triumph? We were standing in this wretched room, on a remote spot on a remote island, at the mercy of something terrible, something evil, and he was talking about triumphs? I was about to retaliate, to try again to get him to listen to me, to beat against his chest if that’s what it took, my fists pummelling, as the fury inside sought release too, but then I stopped. This thing had tried to separate us; we’re all so much easier to attack that way. Standing here, with Angus, I still felt scared, ashamed and angry. Such strong emotions couldn’t disappear in an instant, but one thing I didn’t feel was vulnerable, not anymore, not with him by my side. Perhaps he was right. It was a triumph after all.
“Angus…” I began, but he silenced me, bringing me closer to him and placing his lips on mine – kissing me.
As he did, light flooded the room – not just the dim glow of tea-lights, of torches, all of them struggling. It was a massive flood of light, blinding in its intensity.
Angus pulled away.
“What the…?” I said. Had we died? That thought honestly crossed my mind.
I could see Angus’s face clearly, his smiling face.
“Good old Ron,” he said. “He must have asked for Liam’s help after all.”
Thirteen Chapter Twenty-Five
“Liam’s here?” I quizzed. Around me, I could see the others – Craig, Amy, Isabel, Denny and Lainey – and they were looking as bewildered as I’m sure I was. Lainey in particular, kept staring at the light and blinking, recovering with every passing second.
Angus nodded in reply. “He is. And just in the nick of time if you ask me.”
“The light, where’s it coming from?”
“Where’d you think it’s coming from?”
“I…”
His eyes widened with amusement. “It’s not a heavenly light, if that’s what you’re thinking, although… in a way perhaps it is.”
Like Lainey I blinked. It was the closes
t thing to a heavenly light I’d ever seen.
The door swung wide, the parents almost falling over themselves with the effort of getting it to open. Looking wildly around, they quickly located their various offspring, running to them and enfolding them in their arms just as they’d done before the event.
“Thank God you’re all right,” I heard Diane say to Lainey.
“I… I think I’m all right,” she replied.
“What happened?” her mother continued. “There was so much noise and commotion coming from in here, we raced up the stairs, but the door was stuck. We tried so hard to get it open, but it wouldn’t budge. Can you believe it? An old door like that? We were going frantic out there, all of us. It was awful, we felt so helpless. Oh, Lainey,” she cried, throwing her arms around her daughter again. “I’m so relieved you’re okay. We wouldn’t have given up; we would have broken that damned door down to get in. No devil’s going to keep me from my child.” The outpouring of emotion over, she started to squint. “Where is that light coming from? Not the tower, surely? The lens hasn’t worked in years.”
Before anyone could approach me, I made for the door too, leaving the room in as much of a hurry as they’d entered it.
“What you doing? Where you going?” Angus fell into step beside me.
“To the tower,” I said. “I need to be as close to the source of the light as possible.”
“Why?”
Before heading down the staircase, I stopped briefly to answer him, noting the baffled look on his face. “For good reasons, Angus, personal reasons. You said Liam is here. How come? When we spoke to Ron, he specifically said he didn’t want us to involve him.”
“Aye, but I spoke to Ron again.”
“When?”
“His was the phone call after Shelley. I explained what had happened to Ally, and then I left it with him to decide what to do for the best. I… erm… I trowelled it on thick.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that. “Trowelled it on thick? As if there was a need for that.”
“Aye, well, you know how the saying goes, things could always be worse. His conscience must have got the better of him, and he decided to contact Liam after all. It’s a fair drive from Carlisle to Skye, but Liam, God bless him, obviously made it. No one else around here knows how to operate the lens.” He cocked his head to the side, his face youthful, but his eyes wise. “I thought it’d help, you know, it being the mother of all lights.”
Psychic Surveys Companion Novels Page 34
