Ben hesitated for the briefest of moments before sitting next to her, leaning back on his hands, and stretching his long legs out in front of him. Linda couldn’t ignore the ribbon of warmth that threaded through her veins whenever she was within arm’s reach of him. Tonight he was silent and distant, but she was acutely aware of the tension of the muscles taut across his shoulders and the warmth radiating from his body.
“Okay. What now?” he said.
Linda laughed. “Are you expecting a show?”
“I’m expecting something. You’ve gone to a whole lot of fuss if all we’re going to do is sit in the sand and listen to each other breathe.”
She leaned closer and nudged him with her shoulder. “Ach, du lieva. You always want to be entertained. Can’t you just sit still and ponder?”
He drew away from her. “Ponder what?”
“Don’t be so touchy. You can ponder life or the stars or guess how many grains of sand are in the sand dunes.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Sounds fun.”
“It is.” She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. “Close your eyes and just take a few deep breaths.” It was obvious from the silence beside her that Ben was watching her as if he feared she was a little touched in the head. She curled her lips upward. “Just do it, Ben. Have I ever led you astray?”
“Like with the essential oils?”
Without opening her eyes, she cuffed him on the shoulder. “Jah, like with the essential oils. They worked, didn’t they?”
“I walked around smelling like a flower shop.”
Linda took a deep breath. “Close your eyes. It’s all part of the experience.” She peaked out of one eye. Ben closed his eyes, but a deep worry line creased his brow. It was too much to hope he would relax, but at least he was trying. “What do you hear?”
“I can hear Cathy talking.”
“You cannot.”
“It carries over the distance.”
Linda couldn’t resist. She shifted so she was touching shoulders with him. “Ach, vell. Try not to listen for Cathy. What else do you hear?”
He blew a breath from between his lips and paused. The pause lasted for more than a minute. “I hear an owl, I think.”
“Me too.”
A high, short bark sounded in the distance. “That must be a coyote.”
“I think so.”
“Do you hear those screams?” he said. “That is a herd of elk. I didn’t know they had elk here.”
“For a boy who doesn’t like the outdoors, you seem to know a lot about the outdoors.”
“What makes you think I don’t like the outdoors?” he said.
“That first day of snowshoeing, you acted like you were allergic to fresh air.”
He grunted. “I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to snowshoe. And you made me feel like a dumkoff.”
“I’m sorry I made you feel like a dumkoff.” She smiled though he couldn’t see it. “But seriously, you were acting like one.”
“I suppose I was.” He was silent for a long time. “It wonders me why you asked me to go again. Wasn’t once enough torture?”
“You wanted so badly to beat me in a race. You even quit smoking. I had to give you another chance. And each time I win is more fun than the last.”
“Ha ha. Your winning streak is about to come to an end.”
Linda savored the sound of his low, silky voice. “I accept your challenge. Maybe we can convince Cathy to stay in the car next time so we can have a real race.”
“Do you see any possible chance of that?”
“Not really.” Linda tapped his bare foot with hers. The contact sent her pulse racing through her veins like a raging river. “I’ve changed my mind about you being a dumkoff. You saved me from a bear.”
“I didn’t save you. I just waved my arms and talked the bear into going away.”
Linda pulled her legs into her chest and wrapped her arms around her knees. “You stepped in front of me so the bear would eat you instead of me. A whiner would never have been that brave.”
He turned his face toward her. “You think I’m a whiner?”
She laughed. “Used to think.”
“Oh, sis yuscht. If I need a list of my faults, I’ll ask my dat, not you.”
How could she talk Ben out of his bitterness? “I’m not listing your faults. I’m just pointing out how much I’ve changed. And I’m making a mess of it, but I want to thank you for saving my life.”
“I didn’t really save your life.”
“Jah, you did, and I’m grateful.” Linda hooked her arm around his elbow. He probably thought she was forward and reckless, but he was just so irresistible, and she had ignored his enticing scent for as long as she could.
She couldn’t see him very well in the dark, but she felt him. It seemed like his entire body was clenched like a fist. She was making him uncomfortable, but now it would be even more awkward if she disentangled her arm from his. So, she panicked and, in a moment of insanity, rested her head on his shoulder as if she’d done it a thousand times.
For a brief, incredibly uncomfortable moment, she held her breath. He was probably holding his breath too. He was so stiff, she might as well have been resting her head on a boulder wearing a shirt.
Ummm. What should she do now?
She could pretend to want a good look at the stars, release his arm, and lie on her back. But would he feel obligated to lie down too? Would that be even more awkward than sitting here like this? Linda couldn’t imagine anything more awkward than what she was already doing, trying to get cozy with a fence post.
After the worst ten seconds of her life, Ben suddenly softened. Or maybe he just surrendered to his terrible fate. He tugged his arm from hers and slid it around her back, pulling her close as he had that night they saw the bear. With her heart banging against her chest, Linda snuggled deeper into his embrace, sliding closer and nestling her head against his neck. Ach, he smelled so good.
“So, uh, how do you know so much about the outdoors?” she said, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. “Like what to do when you see a black bear or how to recognize what a herd of elk sounds like.”
“Our whole family used to go camping almost weekly during the summer months. Dat loved to fish and hike. But then he got his calling as bishop and didn’t have time for it anymore. Dat and I used to go fishing together. Sometimes Levi would come. Now Dat mostly ignores me, unless I’m working with him on a bathroom remodel or doing something he doesn’t approve of. Then he yells.”
“It must be hard to be the bishop’s son.”
He stiffly rubbed his hand up and down her upper arm. “I don’t know. When he’s not working our business or our farm, he’s helping someone in the gmayna. I like it better when he doesn’t focus his attention on me, so I don’t mind when he’s gone.”
Linda pressed her lips together. Ben was stuck in a hole he had dug for himself—as if he wanted to live in that hole instead of climbing out and setting his face toward the heavens. Why did he choose that tight and meager life, when there was so much more to him that he refused to see? Why did he hang out with Wally and Simeon and paint ugly pictures in the snow and burn down sheds? It was as if he was trying to be a person he wasn’t, as if he was determined to prove he was hopeless.
Linda lifted her head and pointed to the sky. “You asked for a show. Look at the sky.”
Ben looked up, and she sensed when he riveted his attention to the heavens. The Milky Way was a sparkling cloud of stars overhead, and the brighter stars were like beacons for weary travelers. “Ach, du lieva,” he said. “I didn’t know.”
They sat without speaking for several minutes, straining their ears for the silent symphony of the stars. They both caught their breath when two shooting stars flashed across the sky, one right after the other. “This is why you don’t turn on a flashlight,” Linda said.
He pointed to the east. “Look at that star. It’s so bright.”
“I think
it’s a planet. And do you see the Big and Little Dippers?”
“Of course. Every camper worth his salt can find those.”
She laughed. “Sorry to insult your camping knowledge.”
“One time, it was just Dat, me, and Levi camping, and Dat showed us all the biggest constellations. That was before he stopped loving me and before I stopped trying to make him love me.”
Linda couldn’t let that falsehood stand without a fight. “Of course your dat loves you. What a silly thing to say.”
He didn’t like it when she called him silly. She used the word purposefully in an attempt to light a fire under him. His anger was better than this self-inflicted hopelessness that he wore like a heavy winter coat.
He didn’t take the bait. Instead, he sighed and slid his arm off her shoulder. “I’ve done too many bad things for anyone to love me. I know what I am. Might as well accept it.”
Linda found herself getting angry at Ben’s lack of emotion. “Accept it? And then what? Go on living in this tiny little world you’ve created for yourself?” She grabbed his hand. “You are not worthless, Ben. You have so much love to give. I’ve seen how you treat Winnie and your mammi. You put up with my essential oils and my snowshoes and my teasing.”
“Not cheerfully.”
“You’re fiercely loyal to Esther and Levi, and whether you want to admit it or not, you put yourself between me and that bear. You were more concerned for my life than your own. And no one who can sing like you can be all bad.” Her voice cracked into a thousand pieces, but she pressed forward because she had to make him understand. “And because . . . ach, I love you, Ben. It’s crazy and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I love you.”
A full year of silence.
Linda’s heart pounded in her ears. What had she been thinking? You don’t tell someone you love him unless you know he loves you back. But she’d been caught up in the moment and the beauty of the stars and had just blurted it out. She rarely thought about what came out of her mouth before she said it. It was definitely an affliction.
She couldn’t see his face very well, so all she could do was guess at his reaction, but her heart sank when he slipped his hand from hers. “Why do you say that?” he said in his low, husky voice.
“Because it’s true.”
“I don’t believe you.”
How in the world could she be in love with someone this irritating? “You don’t believe me?”
“What about the fire? Didn’t you hear about the fire?”
“Of course I heard about the fire. Everybody heard about the fire. But that doesn’t matter to me, Ben. I know you, and that is not who you are.”
He turned his face from her and stared into the darkness. “You don’t know me. The people who really know me know that this is exactly who I am. They don’t expect anything better, and that’s fine with me. It makes my life a whole lot easier not having to live up to expectations.”
“But you quit smoking. You sing railroad songs. You’re doing better, so much better than you were a few months ago. You could go apologize to Mr. Bateman. Tell him you didn’t mean it and then offer to pay for the damage. A group of us are going next week to help the Batemans rebuild that shed. You could be in charge of the whole thing, show people that you’ve changed. You can change, Ben. You already have.”
After a long, uncomfortable pause, Ben laughed softly. But there was no happiness in it. “I can’t believe I’ve been such a fool. All this time I thought maybe you didn’t mind me so much, that maybe you wanted to be my friend because you enjoyed spending time with me. How could I have been so stupid? I’m not your friend. I’m your project.”
Linda’s mouth fell open. “What do you mean I’m not your friend? I . . . I just told you I love you.” She nearly choked on love. Why had she let it escape from her lips in the first place?
“You don’t love me. You’re just saying that because you want to change me. I don’t wonder but Mammi or Levi put you up to this.” By the light of the stars, she saw him take off his hat and run his fingers through his hair. “Ach. You almost had me fooled.”
“I don’t want to change you. I like you just the way you are.”
“Who could like me the way I am?”
“I do.” Linda turned to face him and clutched his arm as if to stop him from jumping off a cliff. “But Ben, there’s so much more to you than hanging out with Wally and Simeon and playing pranks and damaging property. I like you as you are, but you can change. You can make your life into something beautiful and useful instead of just one big waste of time.”
“So why are you wasting your time with me?”
“I already told you.”
“And I already told you I don’t believe you. Everybody in the gmayna would be so impressed if you were the girl who got Ben Kiem to mend his ways, maybe talked him out of jumping the fence.”
“I don’t care what the gmayna thinks,” Linda said between clenched teeth.
“Maybe you think you’re being noble, but it’s pretty low to lie to me about how you feel just to convince me to change.”
“I’m not lying, Ben. I love you.” Though right now, she was this close to changing her mind. Ben was the most aggravating, stupid boy in the whole world. “This whole ‘I hate myself ’ attitude is starting to get on my nerves.”
“You really sound like a girl in love.” The words were bitter poison from his mouth.
“Well, maybe you need to quit wallowing.”
He stood up, and she could almost hear his spine snap into place. “Wallowing? Is that what I’m doing? Do you know what my dat said to me this morning? He said he is ashamed to call me his son. He said I am going to kill my mother with all the worry. That’s something every boy wants to hear, that he is going to send his mother to the grave. Did you hear the things people said about me after what happened at school? Ben Kiem is a very bad boy. There is no hope for such a wayward child. Ben Kiem is evil to the core.”
Linda lowered her head. She’d never said anything bad about Ben, but she’d gone out of her way to avoid Ben through the years because she didn’t want to be seen as a girl who flirted with evil. Or the girl who would even consider it.
“Parents wouldn’t let their kinner play with me. I was ashamed and lonely. Wally was the only friend I had, and he befriended me to make his parents mad.” He turned his back on her. “Do you have any idea how the teacher treated me for the rest of the year?”
“Magdalena?”
“Magdalena. She was sweet and kind to everyone except me. She even made an effort with Wally, but she hated me, and she made sure everyone knew it. I had embarrassed her deeply, and she wasn’t going to just let it go. She shamed me in front of the class daily and told my parents I was dumm and lazy. When she wasn’t sneering at me or telling me how stupid I was, she ignored me as if I was a bad smell that hung about the classroom.”
Linda didn’t know what to say. It had all been so horrible, and yes, Ben had been ostracized. Linda’s practical side wanted to tell him to quit whining, but the sympathy washed over her. Ben had been fourteen years old, and the gmayna should have shown more kindness.
“Magdalena was right about me. I can’t change, and if I did, no one would believe it was true. I’m the boy everybody whispers about behind their hands, the one who can’t be saved. The whole community would be better off without me. So excuse me for wallowing, but considering who I am, you shouldn’t expect any better.”
He seemed determined to cast himself in a bad light, as if to convince her to stop loving him, but all it did was make her feel worse and worse for how the community had treated him, how she had treated him. “I’m sorry, Ben.”
“Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re trying to make yourself feel better, and it doesn’t change anything. If you want the truth, here’s the truth. I thought you were my friend, but I should have known it was a lie. People have tried a lot of things to change me, but it is especially cruel to pretend to love me so you can sa
ve my soul.”
“I would never do that.”
He snatched his boots from the ground. “Whatever obligation you felt for me, you don’t have to feel it anymore. You don’t have to go hiking or canoeing or snowshoeing with me ever again. You can tell my dat and anyone else who wants to know that you’ve done your duty.”
“Ben, it’s not like that.”
“Just leave me alone.” He marched in approximately the same direction from which they had come, but he was going to get lost without a flashlight.
“Wait, Ben. Let’s go together.”
“I’ll find my own way home. Don’t wait for me.”
Linda scooped up the blanket as quickly as she could and stuffed it into her bag before remembering that she needed the flashlight from the bottom of the bag. She yanked the blanket out of the bag, fished around for the flashlight, and turned it on. By the time she had put the blanket back in the bag and picked up her shoes, Ben had disappeared. She hurried in the direction he’d gone, but she soon lost track of his footprints. “Ben,” she called, knowing full well he wouldn’t answer.
Linda squeaked in frustration, kicked at the sand, and plopped down on the ground, sitting cross-legged like a bird on her nest. She sat in the dark listening to the buzz of a thousand crickets and her sharp, frustrated breathing. Ben was a whiny dumkoff, and she was glad to be rid of him.
That thought lasted about as long as it took a star to shoot across the sky.
She would never, ever be glad to be rid of Ben. Despite her recklessness in declaring her feelings out loud, she had meant every word.
She loved Ben.
The thought terrified her, made her body ache with longing. Even if her love had been the most powerful force on Earth, it couldn’t compel Ben to love her back. It couldn’t make Ben see the truth about himself, and it certainly couldn’t change him. Linda blinked away any hint of a tear. There was no point in crying for someone who didn’t deserve to be cried about. How could she have let herself fall this hard?
The Amish Quiltmaker's Unruly In-Law Page 15
