“Ach. Poor Ben.”
“It frightens him to think he has to live up to anybody’s expectations. So he doesn’t even try. I encouraged him to apologize to Mr. Bateman and help rebuild the shed. He accused me of trying to change him. He thinks the only reason I invited him to do things together is because I’ve turned him into a project. He can’t imagine he could be anything other than a project.”
Esther’s expression softened. “Is he anything other than a project?”
“You can believe what you want.”
“Forgive me. I’ve been elbow deep in apricot fumes all morning.”
Linda took a deep breath. She couldn’t be mad at Esther. Esther was incredibly protective of her bruder-in-law. Her loyalty was something Linda loved about her. “Ben wasn’t a project. I would never treat anyone that way.”
“Do you love him?” Esther asked so softly, Linda barely heard her.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Esther laid a hand on Linda’s shoulder. “It matters very much.”
Ach. Wasn’t it enough that she’d already made a fool of herself in front of Ben? Did she have to do it in front of his whole family? But it was too late. Anything she said to avoid the question would be a lie. “I told him I loved him, and he didn’t believe me.” She wrapped her arms around her waist. “We argued about that too.”
“Ach. Poor Ben.”
Poor Ben? What about poor Linda? She’d handed Ben her heart, and he’d stomped on it like it was a poisonous spider. Didn’t she deserve a little sympathy too? “Jah. Poor boy has suffered so much.”
Esther obviously heard the tinge of spite in Linda’s voice. “I’m not making excuses for him. Ben is responsible for his poor decisions, but you were closer to him than almost anyone. I know you understand why I feel sorry for him.”
Linda was honest enough to acknowledge the truth of Esther’s words. “I suppose I do.”
Esther sighed. “Ben has a very low opinion of himself. He doesn’t think he’s worthy of love and won’t accept it when it’s given to him. He gets into trouble because it’s easier than trying to fulfill his dat’s expectations.”
“Jah,” Linda said. “He justifies himself by blaming the gmayna. He uses our disappointment to justify doing nothing or doing bad things. If no one thinks well of him, he doesn’t have to live up to anything.”
Esther gave Linda a sad smile. “You told him you love him, and he didn’t take it well. He doesn’t believe anybody could love him. In fact, he’s worked hard to make himself impossible to love. So he thinks you’re lying to him.”
“As if I’m playing a trick on him to force him to mend his ways.”
Esther picked up a stick from the grass and started whacking it against the side of the house. “So now he’s going to prove to you and everyone else that he can’t change, that he’s as bad as we all think he is. He wants it to be perfectly clear that he will not be tricked or manipulated into changing.”
“This might sound strange, but I don’t want him to change. He needs to repent of some bad behavior, but I like the person he is way down deep inside.”
Esther snorted. “Very deep. And I know what you mean, because I love him too, but he has lost himself somewhere among the cigarettes and the boom boxes and the girls with black lips.”
Linda would have laughed if she hadn’t been so close to tears. “Raccoon Girl.”
“Levi tried to talk to him this morning about the big red truck and Wally and the smoking, but Ben wouldn’t listen. He says he’s never been happier, even when it’s obvious he’s the most miserable boy in Colorado.”
Linda’s heart felt like a stone in her chest. “He’s never been happier because things are easier. He doesn’t have to be afraid of failure because he won’t try. He’s quite comfortable thinking everybody hates him because then he doesn’t have to work for anyone’s approval.”
Esther broke her stick in half and then snapped each half in half again. “So.” She tossed her sticks to the ground. “So. What about you and Ben?”
“What about me and Ben?”
“Have you given up on him?”
Linda blinked back the angry tears that threatened to overtake her. “What do you want me to do? I cannot save Ben, and it’s unfair of you to place that responsibility on me.”
“I only meant—”
“He despises me, Esther. You should have seen him at the last gathering. He can’t stand the sight of me, and all I did to deserve it was tell him I love him.” She slapped away the tears on her cheeks. “Loved him.”
Esther draped her arm around Linda’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. You’re right. None of this is your fault. I’m just so frustrated with him. He’s as stubborn as a mule.”
“I’m sorry about Ben, but I have to protect my own heart. Giving him another chance is like sticking my finger in a rat’s nest over and over again. Soon I’ll run out of fingers.”
“That happened to my dat’s bruder. We called him Onkel Six Fingers.” Esther gave Linda a sideways grin, and they both laughed.
“I’d be wonderful foolish if I let Ben break my heart again. He doesn’t love me. And I have decided that I don’t love him anymore.”
“Ach, Linda, you’re wrong about one thing. Ben loves you something wonderful.”
Linda stopped with the tears and grunted her disagreement. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Besides, I’m looking for someone a little smarter than a boy who sets things on fire and has to buy a new hat every week. I don’t want anything to do with him, and I’m sure he feels the same about me.”
Esther grimaced. “Oh, dear. I may have done something we’ll both regret.”
“What’s that?”
Esther didn’t need to answer. Linda heard the obnoxious roar of a truck in the distance, and her stomach sank to her toes. She didn’t even have to look to know that it was a giant, red pickup truck with air conditioning and stereo sound.
“Esther,” Linda hissed.
“I thought if you and Ben could just talk about it . . .”
Like two shy schoolgirls, Esther and Linda peeked around the corner of the house. Linda’s least favorite truck barreled down the road and skidded to a halt behind Cathy’s car. They could hear the bass of the stereo vibrating through the closed windows. Esther turned to Linda, clenched her teeth together, and squeezed her eyes shut. “I should have told you he was coming. And he’s brought that Englisch girl and her truck. Oh, sis yuscht. I’ll have to be nice to her.”
Linda simply couldn’t abide another encounter with Ben and Raccoon Girl. She backed herself against the side of the house. The bricks were lumpy and uncomfortable. “I’m staying put. Will you send Cathy out after Ben goes in? He needn’t know I was even here.” Linda drew her brows together. Was there any evidence that she’d been in the house?
Esther eyed her doubtfully. “You don’t think Cathy will say something?”
Linda blew air from between her lips. For sure and certain Cathy would say something. She peeked around the corner again. Ben and Zoe were getting out of the truck, Ben, hatless, with that shock of thick, light brown hair and an I-couldn’t-care-less look on his face, and Zoe, with black lipstick and a silver chain around her waist. Ben wasn’t even pretending to be Amish anymore. He wore a black T-shirt with some sort of weird dragon-looking thing on the front and a pair of baggy jeans that he’d probably purchased at the second-hand store. Thank Derr Herr Ben hadn’t taken fashion advice from Mack. Ben’s waistband was positioned securely at his waist. Linda wasn’t surprised by his clothing choices, but seeing Ben dress Englisch made her heart hurt all the same.
Linda lost her ability to breathe. Every time she saw Ben, she was reminded all over again how handsome he was and how much she loved him. Well, used to love him. She wasn’t about to give her love to someone who refused to love her back.
As much as she wanted to avoid another unpleasant encounter with Ben, she also didn’t want to behave like a coward. What would she do if she w
ere a girl who was completely over Ben and wished him nothing but the best and actually felt grateful he didn’t return her love? What would she do if she had nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about and didn’t care whether Ben dated a girl with black lipstick or no lips at all?
Linda stepped out from behind the house, steeled herself against Ben’s handsome face, and strode purposefully toward Ben and his girlfriend. Ben furrowed his perfectly straight, thick eyebrows and took a step back. Did he think she was going to tackle him?
Ben looked past Linda to Esther who was close behind. “What’s she doing here?” he asked. Oy, anyhow. Had Linda ever heard a more hostile tone?
“I invited her over,” Esther confessed.
“I don’t want her here.”
There was no confidence booster quite like two people talking about you as if you weren’t there. Linda swallowed hard and smiled for all she was worth. “Hallo, Ben,” she said. “Vie gehts?”
Zoe puckered her lips into a pout. “Hey. It’s not polite to speak a different language. I can’t understand you.”
Linda kept her smile going, even though her face hurt from the effort. “Uh, sorry. It just means ‘How’s it going?’”
Zoe checked her fingernails. “Oh. Okay, I guess.”
Esther finally caught up to Linda. “Ben. You brought a friend. Is she staying for dinner?”
Ben looked at Zoe. “We’re not staying. I just came to get my paycheck from Levi.” In spite of everything, Ben still worked with his dat and Levi remodeling bathrooms and kitchens. His dat hadn’t fired him yet.
Esther gave Ben a look of profound disappointment. “Ach, Ben, you know Levi does the checks on Monday. He’ll give it to you on Tuesday at work.”
Ben kicked at the grass with a ratty blue tennis shoe. “I was sort of hoping he could write my check early, so I have money for the weekend.”
“Why don’t you stay for dinner, and you can talk to Levi about it?” Esther said.
Zoe made a sour face and shook her head. “Bennie and me are meeting Mack and Wally at Dairy Queen in fifteen minutes.”
“Not without money.” Ben glanced at Linda and quickly looked away. At least he had the good sense to be embarrassed about it.
“We’re having yummasetti,” Esther said.
Yummasetti was a traditional Amish dish that very few Amish made anymore. Maybe Esther wanted to remind Ben of his roots and tempt him with something truly delicious and fattening.
“I’m not staying,” Linda said, in case that made a difference. If Ben didn’t have any money, he’d need to rely on the kindness of people like his sister-in-law if he didn’t want to starve.
Ben pressed his lips together and studied Linda’s face for what seemed like three weeks. Then his gaze flicked in Esther’s direction. “Good,” he said.
That one word felt like a stab to the heart.
Ben finally pulled his gaze from Esther’s face. “We’ve got to go.”
“Come on, Ben,” Esther said. “I’ve got a whole pan of yummasetti in there, and Levi will get fat if he has to eat it all.”
Ben scrubbed his fingers through his hair and looked at Zoe. “You don’t have to stay.”
Esther seemed very enthusiastic about the possibility of Zoe not being there. “Yes, of course. No reason to stay.”
Zoe seemed as excited about coming to dinner as Esther was to have her. “I don’t really like Amish food. No offense.”
“Oh?” Esther said, not seeming the least bit concerned that Zoe wouldn’t like the dinner she cooked. “Well, maybe you’d prefer the McDonald’s in Alamosa.”
Zoe opened the passenger side door of her truck and pulled out a brown paper bag. “It doesn’t matter. I’ll drink if I don’t like the food.”
“Ach, I’m sorry,” Esther said, “but we don’t allow liquor in our house.”
Zoe laughed as if only she was in on the joke. “Oh, yeah, sure. It was worth a try. Right, Bennie?” She smiled at him, but Ben was as stiff as a board and as red as a beet.
“I’m serious, Zoe. You don’t have to stay,” Ben said. Maybe Linda was imagining things, but it sounded like he was begging her to leave. “You can come back and get me later.”
Cathy came limping around the side of the house. That bunion must have been acting up. “What happened to you two? It doesn’t take that long to pick one apricot.”
Esther grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, Cathy. We got sidetracked.”
Cathy’s mouth fell open when she caught sight of Zoe. “I guess you did get sidetracked.” She held out her hand, and Zoe actually shook it, as if maybe Cathy had caught her by surprise. The feeling was probably mutual. “I’m Cathy Larsen. Are you Ben’s latest girlfriend?”
Zoe leaned against the bed of her truck. “Yeah,” she said, smiling as if Cathy had challenged her to a fight. “Me and Bennie are tight.”
“Bennie? I like it. Sounds like an Elton John song.” Cathy tilted her head to one side. “Is that eye makeup hard to get off at night?”
Zoe flipped her hair out of her eyes and watched Cathy closely, as if she was waiting for Cathy to attack. “No.”
Cathy frowned. “I was allergic to my eye makeup. My eyes puffed up like two balloons. So I got eyeliner tattooed on my eyes. See?” She leaned her face close to Zoe, who took a step back before peering at Cathy’s eye tattoos.
“Wow, okay,” Zoe said. “I’ve heard of people doing that.”
“It’s very convenient,” Cathy said, “but when your skin droops, so do your tattoos. Let that be a lesson to you. Don’t get a tattoo anywhere that’s going to droop, and when you get to be my age, everything droops.”
Zoe brightened. “Bennie’s got a tattoo. It’s a skeleton hand just below his right collarbone.”
Whatever smile Esther was holding onto faded to nothing. There just weren’t any words.
Cathy studied Ben’s shoulder, probably hoping to see something beneath his black T-shirt. She shook her head. “It’s definitely going to droop.”
Linda wanted to cry as much as she wanted to laugh. She was hurt and confused and so mad at Ben she could barely breathe. But the whole situation was wildly, painfully funny, and if she didn’t laugh, she’d burst into tears. When she decided to laugh, it was completely out of her control. She barely had time to turn around before the laughter burst from her lips. She clapped her hand over her mouth, but everyone knew exactly what she was doing. Ben was probably furious. He didn’t like to be laughed at. But there was nothing Linda could do. If he didn’t want to be laughed at, he shouldn’t have gotten a tattoo that was going to droop someday.
The timer in Esther’s pocket dinged loudly. “Ach,” Esther said. “The first batch is done.”
Linda took a deep breath, got control of herself, and turned back around as if nothing had happened. She was sorry to leave Esther with all those apricots, but she refused to stay, especially since Ben was looking at her as if she’d just run over a cat with her buggy. “Cathy and I have to go.”
“We do?” Cathy said.
Linda smiled sweetly at Zoe. “But you should stay for dinner.” Esther twitched beside her. “We haven’t finished canning the apricots yet. You’d be a great help.”
Esther understood and nodded enthusiastically. “You and Ben could both help. Only one more bushel to get in bottles.”
Zoe pulled her phone from her back pocket. “It’s getting late. Bennie and I should get going.”
Esther curled her hand around Ben’s right shoulder. Did the skeleton beneath his shirt cross her mind? It definitely crossed Linda’s. She cleared her throat and looked away. “Won’t you stay for dinner?” Esther said. “Winnie would love to see you. You haven’t been around for a while.”
Zoe took Ben’s arm in both of her hands and dragged him away from Esther. “Come on, Bennie. It’s a Friday night. Let’s get out of here.”
Ben resisted for a few seconds then gave in. Without looking at Esther, he said, “I’ve got to go. Tell Levi I need to t
alk to him. And give Winnie a kiss for me.”
Esther sighed. “Be safe.”
Without making eye contact with any of them, Ben climbed into the truck and slammed the door behind him. He didn’t buckle his seat belt.
They could hear Zoe’s truck long after it disappeared down the road.
Linda stretched a wide smile across her face, but there wasn’t much hope of cheering Esther up, or herself for that matter. “Well, at least now we can help you finish the apricots.”
“And join us for dinner,” Esther said.
Cathy’s gaze was riveted in the direction the truck had gone. “Mark my words, that tattoo is going to droop. I hope I’m around to see it.”
Chapter Thirteen
Her pillowcase was wet again, both sides. For a girl who prided herself on being sensible and unsentimental, she certainly cried a lot. At least she did when no one could see or hear her. Linda’s family certainly didn’t suspect anything was wrong, except maybe three days ago when Mamm looked at her funny and asked her if she was coming down with something.
Linda got out of bed, tiptoed down the hall, and pulled a clean, dry pillowcase from the closet. She had to be extra quiet because the linen closet was right outside Mamm and Dat’s room, and she would be mortified if they woke up. Linda went back to the room she shared with Nora and changed her pillowcase so she could sleep without her cheek getting soggy. That was, if she could sleep at all.
This was getting silly—all this lost sleep over a boy. And not just any boy, but Ben Kiem, the wildest and stupidest boy in the district. She should be relieved that Ben didn’t want anything to do with her. She should thank him for rejecting her. He’d saved her from a future of certain heartache.
Why couldn’t she have fallen in love with Freeman Sensenig? Or even Simeon Beiler. Ever since that night at the park when Simeon had decided to join them for volleyball instead of go with Ben and Wally, Simeon had stayed securely attached to Mary Ann and the rest of die youngie who did normal things like play croquet and go to singeons. Simeon was even trying to quit smoking. He’d asked Linda for some essential oils to help him with the headaches.
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