‘No one could help liking Roger,’ she went on—Roger, do you like being Rogered?—‘and my only fear is, and Martens fears it too, that he will entangle himself with some undesirable girl. Then he is ruined. There would be no hope for him.’
‘But why——’ I began; then suffocated a moment behind a towel. ‘But why,’ I said again, gasping, ‘should he?’
‘Well, let us hope he will not. I fear, though, he is soft. Still, he has steered safely through a year often dangerous to young men. It is true his father could not have sent him to a safer place than my house. You so sensible——’ oh, Roger!—‘Besides being arrived at an age when serious and practical thoughts replace the foolish sentimentalness of earlier years,’—oh, Roger, I’m twenty-five, and not a single one of my foolish sentimentalnesses has been replaced by anything at all. Do you think there is hope for me? Do you think it is very bad to feel exactly the same, just exactly as calf-like now as I did at fifteen?—‘so that under my roof,’ went on my stepmother, ‘he has been perfectly safe. It would have been truly deplorable if his year in Germany had saddled him with a German wife from a circle beneath his own, a girl who had caught his passing fancy by youth and prettiness, and who would have spent the rest of her life dragging him down, an ever-present punishment with a faded face.’
She is eloquent, isn’t she? Eloquent with the directness that instinctively finds out one’s weak spots and aims straight at them. ‘Luckily,’ she concluded, ‘there are no pretty faces in Jena just now.’
Then I held a towel up before my own, before my ignominious face, excluded by a most excellent critic from the category pretty, and felt as though I would hide it for ever in stacks of mending, in tubs of soup, in everything domestic and drudging and appropriate. But some of the words you rained down on me on Tuesday night between all those kisses came throbbing through my head, throbbing with great throbs through my whole body—Roger, did I hear wrong, or were they not ‘Lovely—lovely—lovely’? And always kisses between, and always again that ‘Lovely—lovely—lovely’? Where am I getting to? Perhaps I had better stop.
R.-M.
IV
Jena, Nov. 12.
DEAREST OF LIVING creatures,—The joy your dear, dear letters gave me! You should have seen me seize the postman. His very fingers seemed rosy-tipped as he gave me the precious things. Two of them—two love-letters all at once. I could hardly bear to open them, and put an end to the wonderful moment. The first one, from Frankfurt, was so sweet—oh, so unutterably sweet—that I did sit gloating over the unbroken envelope of the other for at least five minutes, luxuriating, purring. I found out exactly where your hand must have been, by the simple process of getting a pen and pretending to write the address where you had written it, and then spent another five minutes most profitably kissing the place. Perhaps I ought not to tell you this, but there shall be no so-called maidenly simperings between you and me, no pretences, no affectations. If it was silly to kiss that blessed envelope, and silly to tell you that I did, why then I was silly, and there’s an end of it.
Do you know that my mother’s maiden name was Watson? Well, it was. I feel bound to tell you this, for it seems to add to my ineligibleness, and my duty plainly is to take you all round that and expatiate on it from every point of view. What has the grandson of Lord Grasmere—you never told me of Lord G. before, by the way—to do with the granddaughter of Watson? I don’t even rightly know what Watson was. He was always for me an obscure and rather awful figure, shrouded in mystery. Of course Papa could tell me about him, but as he never has, and my mother rarely mentioned him, I fancy he was not anything I should be proud of. Do not, then, require of me that I shall tear the veil from Watson.
And of course your mother was handsome. How dare you doubt it? Look in the glass and be grateful to her. You know, though you may only have come within the spell of what you so sweetly call my darling brown eyes during the last few weeks, I fell a victim to your darling blue ones in the first five minutes. And how great was my joy when I discovered that your soul so exactly matched your outside. Your mother had blue eyes, too, and was very tall, and had an extraordinarily thoughtful face. Look, I tell you, in the glass, and you’ll see she had, for I refuse to believe that your father, a man who talks port wine and tomatoes the whole of the first meal he has with his only son after a year’s separation, is the parent you are like. Heavens, how I shake when I think of what will happen when you tell him about me. ‘Sir,’ he’ll say in a voice of thunder—or don’t angry English parents call their sons ‘sir’ any more? Anyhow, they still do in books—‘Sir, you are far too young to marry. Young men of twenty-five do not do such things. The lady, I conclude, will provide the income?’
Roger, rushing to the point: She hasn’t a pfenning.
Incensed Parent: Pfenning, sir? What, am I to understand she’s a German?
Roger, dreadfully frightened: Please.
I. P., forcing himself to be calm: Who is this young person?
Roger: Fräulein Schmidt, of Jena.
I. P., now of a horrible calmness: And who, pray, is Fräulein Schmidt of Jena?
Roger, pale but brave: The daughter of old Schmidt, in whose house I boarded. Her mother was English. She was a Watson.
I. P.: Sir, oblige me by going to the——
Roger goes.
Seriously, I think something of the sort will happen. I don’t see how it can help giving your father a dreadful shock; and suppose he gets ill, and his blood is on my head? I can’t see how it is to be avoided. There is nothing to recommend me to him. He’ll know I’m poor. He’ll doubt if I’m respectable. He won’t even think me pretty. You might tell him that I can cook, darn, manage as well as the thriftiest of Hausfraus, and I believe it would leave him cold. You might dwell on my riper age as an advantage: say I have lived down the first fevers of youth—I never had them; say, if he objects to it, that Eve was as old as Adam when they started life in their happy garden, and yet they got on very well; say that I’m beautiful as an angel, or so plain that I am of necessity sensible, and he’ll only answer ‘Fool.’ Do you see anything to be done? I don’t; but I’m too happy to bother.
Later.
I had to go and help get supper ready. Johanna had let the fire out, and it took rather ages. Why do you say you feel like screaming when you think of me wrestling with Johanna? I tell you I’m so happy that nothing any Johanna can do or leave undone in the least affects me. I go about the house on tiptoe; I am superstitious, and have an idea that all sorts of little envious Furies are lying about in dusty corners asleep, put to sleep by you, and that if I don’t move very delicately I shall wake them—
O Freude, habe Acht,
Sprich leise, dass nicht der Schmerz erwacht ….
That’s not Goethe. By the way, poor Goethe. What an unforeseen result of a year in the City of the Muses, half an hour’s journey from the Ilm Athens itself, that you should pronounce his poetry coarse, obvious, and commonplace. What would Papa say if he knew? Probably that young Anstruther is not the intelligent young man he took him for. But then Papa is soaked in Goethe, and the longer he soaks the more he adores him. In this faith, in this Goethe-worship, I have been brought up, and cannot, I’m afraid, get rid of it all at once. It is even possible that I never shall, in spite of London and you. Will you love me less if I don’t? Always I have thought Goethe uninspired. The Muse never seized and shook him till divinenesses dropped off his pen without his knowing how or whence, divinenesses like those you find sometimes in the pages of lesser men, lesser all-round men, stamped with the unmistakable stamp of heavenly birth. Goethe knew, very well, very exactly, where each of his sentences had come from. But I don’t see that his poetry is either of the three things you say. I’m afraid it is not the last two, for the world would grow very interesting if thinking and writing as he did were so obvious that we all did it. As to its being coarse, I’m incurably incapable of seeing coarseness in things. To me
All is clean for ever and ever.
Everything is natural and everything is clean, except for the person who is afraid it isn’t. Perhaps, dear Roger, you won’t, as Papa says, quite apprehend my meaning; if you cannot, please console yourself with the reflection that probably I haven’t got one.
What you say about the money you’ll have dazzles me. Why, it’s a fortune. We shall be richer than our Bürgermeister. You never told me you were so rich. Five hundred pounds a year is ten thousand marks; nearly double what we have always lived on, and we’ve really been quite comfortable, now, haven’t we? But think of our glory when my hundred pounds is added, and we have an income of twelve thousand marks. The Bürgermeister will be utterly eclipsed. And I’m such a good manager. You’ll see how we’ll live. You’ll grow quite fat. I shall give you lovely food; and Papa says that lovely food is the one thing that ever really makes a man give himself the trouble to rise up and call his wife blessed.
It is so late. Good night.
R.-M.
Don’t take my Goethe-love from me. I know simply masses of him, and can’t let him go. My mind is decked out with him as a garden is decked with flowers. Now, isn’t that pretty? Or is it only silly? Anyhow, it’s dreadfully late. Good night.
V
Jena, Nov. 13.
NO LETTER FROM you today. I am afraid you are being worried, and because of me. Here am I, quiet and cheerful, nobody bothering me, and your dear image in my heart to warm every minute of life; there are you, being forced to think things out, to make plans for the future, decide on courses of action, besides having to pass exams. and circumvent a parent whom I gather you regard as refractory. How lucky I am in my dear father! If I could have chosen, I would have chosen him. Never has he been any trouble. Never does he bore me. Never am I forced to criticisms. He knows that I have no brains, and has forgiven me. I know he hasn’t much common sense, and have forgiven him. We spend our time spoiling and petting and loving each other—do you remember how you sometimes laughed?
But I wish you were not worried. It is all because I’m so ineligible. If I could come to you with a pot of money in each hand, turned by an appreciative ruler into Baroness von Schmidt, with a Papa in my train weighed down by Orders, and the road behind me black with carts containing clothes, your father would be merciful unto us and bless us. As things are, you are already being punished, you have already begun to pay the penalty for that one little hour’s happiness; and it won’t be quite paid ever, not so long as we both shall live. Do you, who think so much, ever think of the almost indecent haste with which punishments hurry in the wake of joys? They really seem to tumble over one another in their eagerness each to get there first. You took me to your heart, told me you loved me, asked me to be your wife. Was it so wrong? So wrong to let one’s self go to happiness for those few moments that one should immediately be punished? My father will not let me believe anything. He says—when my stepmother is not listening; when she is he doesn’t—that belief is not faith, and you can’t believe if you do not know. But he cannot stop my silently believing that the Power in whose clutches we are is an amazing disciplinarian, a relentless grudger of joys. And what pitiful small joys they are, after all. Pitiful little attempts of souls doomed to eternal solitude to put out feelers in the dark, to get close to each other, to touch each other, to try to make each other warm. Now I am growing lugubrious; I who thought never to be lugubrious again. And at ten o’clock on a fine November morning, of all times in the world.
Papa comes back from Weimar today. There has been a prolonged meeting there of local lights about the damage done by some Goth to the Shakespeare statue in the park; and though Papa is not a light, still he did burn with indignation over that, and has been making impassioned speeches, and suggesting punishments for the Goth when they shall have caught him. I think I shall go over by the two o’clock train and meet him and bring him home, and look in at Goethe’s sponge on the way. You know how the little black thing lies in his bedroom there, next to a basin not much bigger than a breakfast-cup. With this he washed and was satisfied. And whenever I feel depressed, out of countenance with myself and life, I go and look at it and come home cheered and strengthened. I wonder if you’ll be able to make out why? Bless you my dearest.
R.-M.
VI
Jena, Nov. 14.
THAT SPONGE HAD no effect yesterday. I stared and stared at it, and it only remained a sponge, far too small for the really cleanly, instead of what it has up to now been, the starting-point for a train of thrilling, enthusiastic thoughts. I’m an unbalanced creature. Do you divide your time too, I wonder, between knocking your head against the stars and, in some freezing depth of blackness, listening to your heart, how it will hardly beat for fear? Of course you don’t. You are much too clever. And then you have been educated, trained, taught to keep your thoughts within bounds, and not let them start off every minute on fresh and aimless wanderings. Yet the star-knocking is so wonderful that I believe I would rather freeze the whole year round for one hour of it than go back again to the changeless calm, the winter-afternoon sunshine, in which I used to sit before I knew you. All this only means that you have not written. See how variously one can state a fact.
I have run away from the sitting-room and the round table and the lamp, because Papa and my stepmother had begun to discuss you again, your prospects, your probable hideous fate if you were not prudent, your glorious career if you were. I felt guilty, wounded, triumphant, vain, all at once. Papa, of course, was chiefly the listener. He agreed; or at most he temporized. I tell you, Roger, I am amazed at the power a woman has over her husband if she is in every way inferior to him. It is not only that, as we say, der Klügere giebt nach, it is the daily complete victory of the coarser over the finer, the rough over the gentle, the ignorant over the wise. My stepmother is an uneducated person, shrewd about all the things that do not matter, unaware of the very existence of the things that do, ready to be charitable, helpful, where the calamity is big enough, wholly unsympathetic, even antagonistic, towards all those many small calamities that make up one’s years; the sort of woman parsons praise, and who get tombstones put over them at last peppered with frigid adjectives like virtuous and just. Did you ever chance to live with a just person? They are very chilling, and not so rare as one might suppose. And Papa, laxest, most tolerant of men, so lax that nothing seems to him altogether bad, so tolerant that nobody, however hard he tries, can pass, he thinks, beyond the reach of forgiveness and love, so humorous that he has to fight continually to suppress it—for humour lands one in odd morasses of dislike and misconception here—married her a year after my mother died, and did it wholly for my sake. Imagine it. She was to make me happy. Imagine that too. I was not any longer to be a solitary Backfisch, with holes in her stockings and riotous hair. There came a painful time when Papa began to suspect that the roughness of my hair might conceivably be a symbol of the dishevelment of my soul. Neighbouring matrons pointed out the possibility to him. He took to peering anxiously at unimportant parts of me, such as my nails, and was startled to see them often black. He caught me once or twice red-eyed in corners, when it had happened that the dear ways and pretty looks of my darling mother had come back for a moment with extra vividness. He decided that I was both dirty and wretched, and argued, I am sure during sleepless nights, that I would probably go on being dirty and wretched for ever. And so he put on his best clothes one day, and set out doggedly in search of a wife.
He found her quite easily, in a house in the next street. She was making doughnuts, for it was the afternoon of New Year’s Eve. She had just taken them out of the oven, and they were obviously successful. Papa loves doughnuts. His dinner had been uneatable. The weather was cold. She took off her apron, and piled them on a dish, and carried them, scattering fragrance as they went, into the sitting-room; and the smell of them was grateful; and they were very hot.
Papa came home engaged. ‘I am not, as a rule, in favour of second marriages, Rose-Marie,’ he began, breaking the news to
me with elaborate art.
‘Oh, horrid things,’ I remarked, my arm round his neck, my face against his, for even then I was as tall as he. You know how he begins abruptly about anything that happens to cross his mind, so I was not surprised.
He rubbed his nose violently. ‘I never knew anybody with such hair as yours for tickling a person,’ he said, trying to push it back behind my ears. Of course it would not go. ‘Would it do that,’ he added suspiciously, ‘if it were properly brushed?’
‘I don’t know. Well, Papachen?’
‘Well, what?’
‘About second marriages.’
He had forgotten, and he started. In an instant I knew. I took my arm away quickly, but put it back again just as quickly and pressed my face still closer: it was better we should not see each other’s eyes while he told me.
‘I am not, as a rule, in favour of them,’ he repeated, when he had coughed and tried a second time to induce my hair to go behind my ears; ‘but there are cases where they are—imperative.’
‘Which ones?’
‘Why, if a man is left with little children, for instance.’
‘Then he engages a good nurse.’
‘Or his children run wild.’
‘Then he gets a severe aunt to live with him.’
‘Or they grow up.’
‘Then they take care of themselves.’
‘Or he is an old man left with, say, one daughter.’
‘Then she would take care of him.’
‘And who would take care of her, Rose-Marie?’
‘He would.’
‘And if he is an incapable? An old person totally unable to notice lapses from convention, from social customs? If no one is there to tell her how to dress and how to behave? And she is growing up, and yet remains a barbarian, and the day is not far distant when she must go out, and he knows that when she does go out Jena will be astounded.’
Fraulein Schmidt and Mr Anstruther Page 2
